Who Would You Be?

Wednesday, Sept 26, 2018

Der,

Tomorrow would be your 24th birthday. Five...five birthdays you've missed...that we've missed with you. 24 is how old I was when I had you. Who would you be at 24? Would you have followed your dreams and gone into cosmetology or would you have found a new dream to pursue? Would you be a mother? Would you be sober? Would you have found that special someone hand-picked by God for you if things had been different? Who would you be? Who would I be? Who would we be as a family? Who would be your latest favorite band? What new tattoo would you be wanting or getting? Would you have decided to go to school? Would our home still be filled with the sounds of your singing or would you have moved out and been singing in your own home? Would you be married? Who would you be? I don't recognize me. I feel haunted, lost, timid, anxious. Who would we be? Would we get along as you've grown older? Would you still text me random things and would I still get silly songs stuck in your head? Would you still sleep with Baby Bop or would you have retired her to a shelf or your closet? Would we be close? Would you still hero-worship your brother? Would you still be Daddy's little girl? Would you still laugh easily and big? Who would you be?

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you, that I don't miss you and love you, that I don't selfishly wish things were different and you were still here, but the LOVING part of me be glad that you are alive in heaven holding the fort down until I get there. I miss your hugs. I miss hearing the sound of your voice. I miss knowing you were asleep in the next room and miss feeling that false sense of security that I could keep you safe. I didn't keep you safe. I didn't keep you safe from bipolar and I couldn't shield you from the realities of this world in which drugs exist and helped steal you away from us. I wish I got a do-over. So many things I would change but I can't. We push on knowing each day is one day closer to being with you again. Happy birthday Sugarbear. You are loved more than you ever could've imagined but now where you are, I hope you know.

I love you always,

Momma

Mother's Day 2018

Today is Mother's Day. I've tried not to think about it and was pretty successful at it for a while. Friday at work, however, when many ladies are getting flowers from their husbands and/or kids, the dam broke just for a little while.  It wasn't a full-on catastrophic break, more like a crack, but it leaked over lunch when I let my mind go there.  I called Tim on lunch and I know he was expecting it at some point.  It's just the way it goes for me on this grief journey.  I was thankful he let me just express myself as only he and God would understand the depth of my pain.

Mother's Day has been hard for years, even before Amanda died. First, my mom has been gone for 28 years...28 years. That's a lot of Mother's Day cards I haven't had the opportunity to buy, a lot of time spent with her on other times, phone calls and laughs to miss out on.  Then there's Ann not being here now.  But of course, for me, the biggest one is not having Amanda here in the here and now with us and Michael being back home in NC.  We long to get back to him and are working diligently toward that end.  But we're not together now, and that's hard.

Friday afternoon after talking to Tim, he surprised me with two beautiful deep pink roses in a vase with a little card.  He just wanted to cheer me up and knows how I struggle.  He's so very thoughtful and loving. After work, he came back up and we went to Sherman for supper.  We ate at Golden Corral (more like gorged). We went to Office Depot for some stuff he needed and then went shopping for new work/church clothes for me for spring/summer.  Time with him is just what I needed.  It was wonderful.

All the while, however, I know I'm stuffing memories, trying very hard not to think of them, not because they aren't worthy of thinking of and celebrating, but because they are.  Because it hurts so dang much to peek back at those, the happy times, even the hard times because it's a reminder that I don't get those with our girl now and it's only some time off in the future.  So I was at church this morning and Ms. Patty Wells asked me if I'd heard from Mike, which I had.  💝 He called me while I was getting ready for church this morning and we talked for about 15 minutes.  I'd gotten his card yesterday.  Then she asked me if I was thinking on the happier times with Amanda.  I told her I was trying really hard not to.  She insisted that I needed to do that, to celebrate them.  I started crying and she was teared up and gave me a hug and told me she knew it was hard.  After church, knowing we'd already been out to eat at a nicer place this weekend and that most restaurants in town would be packed for Mother's Day, we opted for cheap and went to McDonald's (my choice).  After that, we opted to come home instead of going grocery shopping and get a nap (Tim is done with youth for now - PRAISE!!!).  I say all of that to get to this memory/point.  While I was napping, God brought to mind one of my most favorite, precious memories of Amanda.  When I was in college, she was in pre-school right there at the college.  When they'd be outside playing, she was always on the lookout for me and when she'd see me, even if from a long ways off, she would yell MOMMMMMYYYYY.  I'd hear her and go over to her.  We were always excited to see one another in the middle of our normal day.  It was a treat.  I'd go over to the fence, go inside and she'd run into my arms and I'd just hold her for a while, give her kisses and tell her I loved her.  I really hope it's like that one day again, that she's watching and waiting for me, excited to see me again and when she does, she yells MOMMMMYYY, pushes her way to the front and runs into my arms...I long for that.  What a Mother's Day that will be.

Can't believe it's been this long...

Where do I even begin?  SO. MUCH. HAS. CHANGED.  

So...Dad came home from his 6-week trip and was an absolutely, total and complete MESS.  He was crying all the time. He was a nervous wreck. It broke our hearts to see him like that.  But there was a kicker...when he was gone, he'd reconnected with Aunt JoeAnn (now Jody).  He said he couldn't explain it, but over the course of his visit with her, he fell in love.  We were in shock.  He left grieving one wife and comes home in love with someone else....we thought it would fade...that it would just be a temporary thing that once he got back into the groove of his life here, it would go away....but it didn't.  He'd asked for my blessing to pursue something with her and I of course gave it.  I only want him happy, but at the time when he asked, he said it would be probably a two-year courtship as she's raising her great grands and that's how long it would take for them to be moved out....well, that's what we thought was going to happen.  Next thing we know, he's making plans, getting rid of stuff, putting the house in my name and HE MOVED TO WASHINGTON 10/25/17!!!  We were devastated!!  To be honest, we're still wrestling with it.  We want what's best for him, we're just not positive this is it.  We know he was lonely and that we could never fill that hole of a spouse, but we were not prepared to be without him ourselves.  Tim was brokenhearted, angry, and just generally upset.  For him, Dad was the dad figure he's been craving and missing out on, someone stable whom he could love and be loved by in return, and they did love one another!!  Tim loved spending time with Dad and for Dad, Tim really was a son.

We rented a big dumpster and for a few weeks went through the process before dad left of getting rid of stuff, just crap that we had around the yard, garages, etc. That got rid of a lot of stuff, but not enough!  Still, it's that much less that we will have to deal with later.

I had left my job at the Casino in the gift shop and took a job at the Gaming Commission with Jody Nelson.  BIG MISTAKE!!!!!  Not only did I HATE the job, she and I butted heads.  I cried all the time going to work.  I felt convicted every single day for working there in support of something I don't believe in.  It all came to a head and I just left October 5.  I had gone to work that day and came home about 2 hours later.  I was terrified.  I'd never just quit a job but immediately I felt so much peace in my spirit, outside of the fact that I knew I had likely ruined my friendship with Jody.  I still felt I'd made the right decision.  Fast forward to today and we still aren't friends.  I've apologized multiple times for the way I quit (not that I quit). She says she forgives me but can't trust me anymore. Anyways, I can't do anything about her; I can only do something about me.

Before Daddy moved, for his 80th birthday, I'd gotten us tickets to see a Texas Rangers game.  Dad and Tim came to pick me up from work and we drove down.  We had great seats and it was a lot of fun!  We were trying to create memories/pictures for us all.  Never know if I'll ever be able to do something like that again 😧

I cried for days and days after Daddy moved.  It was initially quite the roller coaster for Dad.  Jody was all over the place as far as how she was treating Dad.  He felt like he was walking on eggshells all of the time which ticked me off.  He is also completely strapped for money.  We are enjoying our couple time but at the same time still wish Dad was here.  We've told Dad we are staying for two years to give he and Jody a chance to see if they are going to move back here.  If so, we won't sell the house as we don't want Dad to not have somewhere to live, whether they are together or not.  If he comes back alone, we will stay.  If he comes back with Jody, we will probably move back home.  If he decides to stay in WA, we are going to try to move back home.  I really don't like ambiguity.  I like at least having the semblance of a plan and this up in the air business has me all upset.  Things do seem like they're settling down on the home front for Dad and Jody, though.  He even told me Josh (Jody's great grandson) got baptized a few weeks back!!!  PRAISE!  That's huge in and of itself, but beyond that, Josh had initially been nervous about Dad moving there as he knew Dad was an ordained minister and Josh didn't go to church.  This was great news!!

Anyway, so now we are in the process of trying to get rid of stuff that Dad left...things we don't want and if we can get some money for it, all the better.  If it's Dad's stuff that sells, I'm sending him at least half the money.  It's my time researching the stuff, listing it on E-Bay, buying shipping supplies and shipping the stuff.  I've sold a bit on E-Bay but we have SO MUCH STUFF left!  We may enlist the help of an auctioneer if we decide we are moving to get rid of some of the bigger things like the tractor, etc. We are also trying to pay off my hospital bill from when I went to the ER in October right before Dad moved for some bradycardia.  That's a whole other subject!  Choctaw refused to pay for it even though I appealed their decision 3x and had letters of support written by my cardiologist and my internal medicine doc.  Supposedly Councilman James Dry is having a big wig re-look at my case and she has the power to overturn it.  We'll see but I'm not holding my breath.

We haven't been able to see Mike since May for his graduation and that has me very bummed.  We feel stuck.  We are trying to save money in case we can move home, but if we can't move home, I want to go see him.  Catch 22 because everything is up in the air still.  

On 2/6/18 Tim and I celebrated our 19th anniversary.  He sent me roses with lilies.  On the 10th, we went and saw a dinner theater, something we really enjoy doing.  This was called The Mein Shaft or something like that.  It was a lot of fun.  

Backing up, I accepted a position at Choctaw Nation Durant Regional Medical Clinic as a registration clerk.  At first it was daunting...I felt overwhelmed, but I LOVE IT.  I started there in early November and just passed my 3-month probation period.  We have a lot of laughs.

So...that's about my life in a nut shell now.  I work, come home and maybe work out, fix supper, do chores, take a shower and go to bed to do it all over again.  On the weekends, we work around the house/yard/garage, try to sort through more things to try and list to sell on E-Bay, go to church and start the week over again.  It seems the seasons of life go faster and faster the older I get.  Anywho...that's all.

Long Overdue!!

Okay, sooooo.....I haven't posted in months, mostly because I didn't really know how to put into words all of the conflicting emotions....sometimes it just feels too much to "go there."  But here goes.

We were so excited to go home and be with Michael for Christmas!  To actually spend Christmas with him...it's been too long.  I did, however, feel guilty for leaving Daddy alone at Christmas and was calling or texting him every day we were gone.  I had left him presents to unwrap on Christmas day.

We had booked a room to rent for the first few days as after that, Sara would be gone and we could then stay at Mike and Sara's and use their spare room.  The place we stayed was cozy and it was pretty cheap.  We enjoyed time with Michael, Sara, a few friends and of course Tim's family.  We did Christmas early for Sara as she was leaving to go to her family's place.  That was really special.  The other special thing that happened was that Michael actually went to Christmas Eve service with us at Covenant and he dressed up.  I knew he didn't want to, but he did it because I wanted him to.  That's really all I wanted so he did.  That made my heart smile so much.

We went to Rob and Christy's for Christmas lunch I think.  I don't remember exact days now.  Anyway, Christmas evening we were at Mike's watching TV and I happened to go in our room and check my phone.  I had a voicemail from Dad.  It broke my heart.  He was crying and asking if we could try and come home early.  I couldn't tell whether he was saying Ann's is dying or she died.  I had to go into the living room to have the guys turn the volume off.  I was trembling.  Hearing Daddy so heartbroken was terrible.  I called him right back and she had already passed.

I had talked to him that morning and he didn't mention anything about her not doing well or anything.  Throughout the day she started having BMs and vomiting.  Dad called the hospice nurse and Nita came out.  She was sort of throwing up really dark blood or ?  Nita at one point had talked to the doctor and a pharmacist was going to bring some medicine out for her, but by that time, the nurse knew it wasn't going to help.  The worst part for Dad is that she kept saying, "Help me. Help me."  She knew something was wrong, but there was really nothing they could do.  Nita stayed in there with Ann holding her hand and talking to her until Ann passed away.  She stayed here with Dad until after the coroner came and took her body.  We had booked a flight for early the next morning and we were back home by 1 p.m. 

It's been so hard seeing how brokenhearted Dad is.  Tim and I jumped in and took care a lot of the details for her memorial service.  Dad picked out her urn.  Tim did the memorial program and we had one of Dad's favorite pictures of her blown up into two large prints for the service which are now hanging in the living room and in dad's bedroom.  The family flew and drove in from all over.  The service was really nice and I wrote something to speak at it.  Dad was really pleased with how things turned out.  Still, it's his second spouse to lose.

Dad's been staying busy. He's still bowling 2x a week.  He's now going to the Wellness Center 2x a week and still going to his Choctaw seniors luncheon.  He's still going to church and is interested in getting back into his Disaster Relief work.  He's served at things for the seniors a few times and has done some singing with them at funerals and such.  Mostly he's been busy getting the trailer ready for a 6-week trip he's planning.  He's going to be going West to see relatives and friends, including Tony and meet his granddaughters, Jemma and Sadie.  He's looking forward to it.  It's part of his grieving/healing journey.

We've had Tim's birthday, but we've really tried to stick closer to home, trying to be available for Dad and not leave him alone too much.  We had our 18th anniversary.  Tim rented the cabin that we love in Shawnee and we went there for 2 days.  Valentine's Day came and went.  I don't really remember much about it.  We probably didn't do much lol.

The thing Tim wants me to write down is my birthday.  My 47th birthday was just 3/26.  It was a Sunday so we couldn't do anything that day, but Tim had bought a tent and some other camping gear and we went to Lake Texoma Friday and part of Saturday.  It was supposed to be good weather. Humph!  Thankfully we packed jackets and sweatshirts, etc.  Tim had bought an extra sleeping bag and had borrowed one from the church.  Thank goodness!!!

So we went out to Catfish Bay to a point.  We found a nice area and set up our tent.  Things are going great.  The tent went up quickly.  The air mattress filled up super quick.  This is good.  It's a little chilly but not bad.  Tim cooked up some hotdogs and chili and we had some chips, water and/or Dr. P.  We couldn't get the chili very hot but we didn't care.  We tried to fish a little bit until it got too dark.  We went into the tent and played some Uno.  It was fun.

It started getting a bit windier but we didn't think much about it.  We had put our food up in my car to keep critters away.  Tim practiced his message in the car while I tried to sleep.

Having to use the bathroom was an adventure.  It wasn't too far away but far enough.  Thank goodness Tim brought flashlights as there were no lights in there.  Going to the bathroom there was funny.  Tim said everything dropped into the pit of Hell LOL.  Sitting on the toilet with the wind blowing mysteriously across your bum was a bit unnerving.  HAHA.  Where was that coming from??? 

So we get back in the tent and try to sleep.  Mind you, it's our first time camping in 15 years.  Tim was on high alert with every sound he heard, which, with all of the wind blowing, there were a lot of sounds.  The ping, ping, ping, ping of the zippers clanking on the sleeping bag from the wind.  The trains that  went by all night.  The wind that sounded like we were in the midst of a tornado.  The geese that seemed to camp outside of our tent door in the wee morning hours.  The boats that were unloading into the lake very early for the fishing tournament we had no idea was going on.  In the midst of the very noisy, scary, windy night, the tent collapsed on my side.  Tim had to run out in his underwear to fix the tent while I'm inside holding it up.  The whole night was comical but we didn't get much sleep.  We did, at one point look out the tent door and look at how awesome the sky looked and all of the stars :-)  We serve such a majestic God!

We wake up fairly early (from said boats, geese, etc.) and Tim fixes us some eggs, sausage and toast.  It was wonderful.  The only problem we found was that in the middle of the night, a mouse who apparently lives in my car (again), found our bread and helped himself to several pieces.  Sooooo...I took those down to feed to the geese.  After breakfast we ended up taking a nap.  It was supposed to be warm by 10 I think with clear skies, but it was cold and cloudy and rained off and on.  I took my nap fully dressed WITH my heavy jacket on under the covers.  Tim woke up before I did.  I slept the sleep of the dead.  Since it was still cold when we woke up, we decided to just start cleaning up and go home.  By the time we finished cleaning and packing everything up, of course the skies cleared up and it warmed up...so we fished....or rather we attempted to feed the fish but they weren't having any of it.  So...we went home.  Hopefully we will attempt this again.  It was a new adventure to say the least.  I'm thankful to have had another birthday to spend with my love.

Thanksgiving

I was pretty proud of myself.  This Thanksgiving is the first since Amanda died that I did not cry.  I did tear up once, but I did not cry.  I cooked. We ate.  I kept a candle lit for her all day.  Michael went to Sara's parents' in Wilmington and they fixed a fully vegetarian Thanksgiving spread.  He said he envied our meat LOL but that everything turned out great!

For the first time in my life, I made cornbread stuffing from scratch (okay, minus the box mix I used for the actual cornbread).  It was excellent!!!  I usually skip the stuffing any time it's served, but I was really curious.  I had found the recipe on Pinterest and it sounded easy enough.  I added dried cranberries to it, lessened the amount of onion for Tim's sake, increased the celery.  It was so flipping good!  Since I'd used Jiffy brand cornbread mix, it had a sweetness to it that Dad didn't care for, but Tim said it was the best stuffing he'd ever had. Woot!  I know it was the best I'd ever had.  I sent over some of everything to Jack and Sheila.  Tim said Jack was excited because I'd made "pink stuff."  Tony even texted me the day before for the recipe for pink stuff.  That was Grandma Cox's thing she used to make so I've continued the tradition.

We received our things back from Pickles & Pottery.  They turned out so good!  Tim's was the Holy family and mine was an angel holding a heart that I put Amanda's initials in.  That got me in the mood to decorate and for the first time since Amanda died that I actually wanted to engage in all aspects of Christmas.  Thanksgiving day I had Tim put the tree together (not decorated, just up) while I cooked.  After lunch (and a nap) we decorated the tree and I did the house inside.  When I'd been cleaning out Dad's broken storage shed, I'd run across some ornaments/wreath that were keepers so yesterday Tim and I went out to the good shed and brought those out.  We decorated the outside of the house for the first time since living here.  It's cute.  The other night we went to Elements and painted a cute Christmas tree in a blizzard.  Those are hanging as well as the other Christmas pictures we've painted there.  I did get a little weepy when we were decorating the tree.  Sometimes it's just so hard thinking about her not being here, about our family not being all together.  I feel like whether we go home for holidays or stay here, I'm always letting someone down and I hate that.  Anyway, that is all :-)

Random musings

I don't know what to write, just that I feel the need to get my thoughts and feelings out.  The holidays are approaching again.  I feel the ever-present ache all the more as they approach.  I need to figure out if I will be fixing for Jack and Sheila, too, or if they have other plans. 

Tim had to go to Ada today for a pastor's thing so I got to sleep in.  I did some chores and then went to Jack and Sheila's to pick up some things to take to Goodwill for them.  I headed to Walmart after that and it was kinda nice just to wander the store, except for the reminders of Christmas everywhere.  I found a really cute owl ornament that I considered buying but put it back.  I'll probably go back and get it one day soon.  I was musing about how many owl ornaments we needed and that one day, we'd probably have a whole Christmas tree with nothing but owl ornaments.  I was looking, though, for a red bow and a red lightbulb to add to a little wooden deer that I found out in Dad's storage.  I stained him a few weeks ago and thought he could be cute with some added bling.  I found some cute rustic looking red bows (we'll use the rest for the tree) and some mini-light ornaments.  Again, I will use the rest for the tree.  I came home and superglued the bow and lightbulb and he's really cute.  I'm going to fill the box part of him with the scented pinecones.  He may be kinda hokey, but I liked him.  He kinda reminded me of me, in need of some TLC but overall good bones.

The holidays are still hard.  Not excruciating like they used to be, but they are definitely hard.  There's the reminder of the empty chair, the wonder of what she'd be like, what she'd want for Christmas, and always, always missing her so very much. 

We are facilitating GriefShare (almost done).  Soon we'll be having the Surviving the Holidays class.  It will be a good refresher for me.  I've just been feeling the sadness more in the last few days.  Tim got me out of the house yesterday and we went to paint at Pickles & Pottery in Sherman.  It was very relaxing and much needed.  Tim did a nativity scene with Mary, Joseph and Jesus and I did an angel holding a heart that I put Amanda's initials in.  I'm always trying to find ways to incorporate her into our life now.  It's not the same, but it makes me feel a tad better.  I really, really miss her.

I am looking forward to going home.  Mike is doing great in school and will graduate in the spring.  We'll go home for that, too, of course.  We'll be staying at a room we rented for a few days and then staying at Michael's the rest of the time.  I'm really looking forward to seeing him again.  It's been too long for this momma.  Tim and I have often talked about when/if we get to move back.  We're not really sure if we'll move back to the same area.  Somewhere in the vicinity of Michael, but not necessarily Greenville or even Winterville.  I just want to be able to see him frequently, be near to him where ever he is.

I am concerned about something, though.  My dad told me the other day that when he had X-Rays done at the VA that they saw a spot on his liver.  They're sending him back to Dr. Sturch (whom he sees Wednesday) to hopefully get a CT scan to figure out what it is.  That fills me with trepidation.  I'm praying it's nothing or at most fatty liver.

Amanda's 22nd birthday

Sometimes I feel like there is so much to say and I just get overwhelmed and say nothing.  At least that's how it's been lately.

For Amanda's 22nd birthday (3rd in Heaven), we chose to do Random Acts of Kindness again.  This world has gone crazy with hatred, racial division, etc., and I felt one thing we could do would be to spread love and kindness.

We had cards made up from Vista Print and mailed them out across the country to those who wanted to participate.  More participated without receiving cards, as well.  I had found these beautiful owl blank note cards online and ordered a bunch.  I sent the RAOK cards inside of those.

For us, we have been doing stuff all month basically, which I considered part of our RAOK.  We cut my aunt and uncle's grass, but then since Tim and I had cut dad's, Jack/Sheila's, I figured it would be nice to go cut Aunt Kay's grass, too.  When Tim was done with J/S's grass, he came over and we tag-teamed to finish Aunt Kay's.  It looked so good!

I've also started making dinner and desserts for Jack and Sheila.  I know they're struggling financially and this was just something I could do to help.  I do it most nights and this blesses me as much as it does them.  I love being able to help, especially knowing what a toll Jack's stroke has taken on them both.

I also, with the owl note cards, wrote about 15 notes of encouragement to folks.  Some were for people whose children went off to college.  Some were for those who've lost a loved one.  One was for appreciation to Dr. Gadberry.  Some were for people going through health issues.  Some were for students who had gone off to school.  Words of affirmation is one of my love languages, so this was a perfect fit for me to do.  I heard back from several people thanking me and telling me how much it meant to them, so that was great :-)

Tim and I thought and thought about what else to do.  We combined ideas.  I wanted to do "Free Hugs and Prayer" signs and stand somewhere where there'd be a lot of foot traffic and he suggested in front of the Wesley on the 24th (Saturday) as it was SE Homecoming game and there would be a larger than average amount of people there.  GREAT!  I knew I wanted an owl on the sign somewhere, so I looked up images and found a cute one to give him an idea.  He drew them up, I colored them in, and he added all of the artistic flair.  They were perfect!So there we were out front of the Wesley on that Saturday.  It was hot as heck and at first I was a little discouraged, but before we got there, I had prayed.  Just God, bring people and let this honor Amanda and glorify you.  I ended up getting to hug so many, including two members of the band as they marched by.  They wanted hugs so I ran out there and gave them hugs.  I had people stop in the middle of the street in their cars and grab a hug through the window.  I got a lot of "thumbs up."  I had people driving by on the little carts from SE jump off and give me a hug.  I got to tell why we were doing this.  Tim got to pray with several people.  I looked over to the SE police station and out front there was a Highway Patrol officer, Sheriff, Durant PD and SE PD officer.  I ran over and just gave them each a hug and thanked them for all they do (in light of all of the craziness in this world right now, people hating on our law enforcement officers all across the country, it was especially meaningful to me to do this).  All in all, it was a great day and I was so pleased doing this.