Let me see....Mother's Day....well, it came and went. Tim took me to Tokyo the day before as I hate dealing with crowded restaurants. Michael texted me (he was the first to wish me happy mother's day), but ya know what? (I would never ever say this to him as I know he's broke and already feeling like a failure in life, wishing he'd gone to school earlier so he'd be further along than he is.) Just once, ON HIS OWN ACCORD, I would love for him to CALL me on Mother's Day, send me a card, something. But I got a text. At least I got that.
I was trying really hard not to think about it. Trying not to think that I have TWO children who should be here to ignore me on Mother's day (snarky). I did find a FB post Amanda made to me in May 2012 saying how much she looked up to me, how I was the hardest working woman she knows and that she wants to make me proud (tears). Well, trying not to think about it only lasted so long, because my heart and mind weren't collaborating. I ended up going in the room and crying for a while. Tim came in and held me. He said he knew it was coming; he just didn't know when.
On Tuesday when we were coming into work, we were driving down Cox Lane (I was following Tim) and a big beautiful owl flew right between our vehicles. I just hit the brakes and watched with mouth agape. I just started crying. Tim pulled over to have me pull up beside him and he was like, "Did you see that???" I needed that little hug from Amanda.…boy did I need it!
So today I've been in kind of a funk. I had this very intense dream last night/early this morning. There was a trial. Apparently some evidence had been "found" that showed that Ryan intentionally killed Amanda. The scenes would change back and forth from in the court room to in a conference room with the judge, attorneys, me, Tim, and Ryan. The opposing side were just ripping Amanda to shreds, basically saying that it was her own fault. I just remember arguing that we never said Amanda was a saint, but that no one deserves to have their life taken from them like that. It was very traumatic the things they were saying about her and I was just crying. There was also a slideshow of pictures of Amanda that I'd never seen before. Pictures of her at school, with friends, etc. I was elated and brokenhearted at the same time to see these pictures of our beautiful girl. I was mesmerized just wanting to take in every detail of each one, and at the same time hearing such terrible things about her. The whole dream was so intense and I remember I was just sobbing. The alarm went off then so I never got to finish it, but the residua of the dream just has left me in a funk. Funny how it can carry over and color your mood. I'm trying not to let it, which is why I'm blogging about it so maybe if I get it out, I can move on from it.
Tomorrow is Michael's 26th birthday. What. the. heck?! 26??? Friday he's going back to see his father for a visit. I'm thankful he has lived long enough for this to happen. Today's my grandpa's birthday. It just dawned on me, that this is the same timing as when I went into labor with Michael in 1989. It was May 14 (Grandpa's bday), and I was hoping to have him on that day (It was also Mother's day that year), but he came at 2:48 a.m. the 15th, weighing 8 lb. 4 oz. and 22 inches long. :-)
We've made vacation plans to go back out and see him July 28-August 4. I need some Michael time and just time away from Oklahoma. Hopefully the results of my surgery won't mess that up. We did purchase trip insurance in case things have to change, however. It's going to depend on if the mass is malignant or benign and what treatment, if anything, needs to happen after that. I'm hoping we can still go. I really just need out of here. Unfortunately, my surgery is June 2 and Tim will be at camp that week, so my lady friend, Jean Rodgers, is going to be my ride. It's just a same-day surgery (I hope). They are starting it laparoscopically and, depending on what they find when they get in there, may have to convert it to an "open" surgery (bigger incision, longer recovery time). I really hate that Tim won't be there.
That's all for now. Guess I'll get back to work....It feels that that is all I do.
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