Recently across the country, Medical Examiners have begun ruling deaths by heroin overdose as homicides instead of accidental overdoses.  I was afraid to hope.  Last week I took the chance and emailed the office of the Chief Medical Examiner in OKC to inquire about Amanda's case:

A

Amy Elliott

to me
4 days ago

Details

Ms. Ford, please accept my sympathies on the loss of your daughter.   Our office does not rule overdoses as homicides unless the decedent is injected by someone else and it is witnessed.   I have read your daughters case and don't see where anyone  injected her.   If you suspect someone may have injected her, you should contact law enforcement.   Our cases are always subject to change with new information.   My apologies, Amy

-----Original Message-----
From: Shelly Ford [mailto:sford2699@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, May 25, 2016 12:50 PM
To: Amy Elliott
Subject: Message from Website: Website Inquiry

Your office performed my daughter's autopsy (Amanda Christine Garrett) in December 2013.  Her death was ruled an accidental overdose (heroin).  With medical examiners across the country now ruling deaths by heroin overdose as homicide, is there a way to have hers changed to reflect such?

Sincerely,
Shelly D. Ford

 I understood but was still crushed. Anyway, I had a mini meltdown yesterday afterwards. All of the whys...why did you leave me, Amanda? Why did you go over there when we begged you not to? WHY DOES HE GET TO CONTINUE ON WITH HIS LIFE, POTENTIALLY RUINING OTHERS', MAKING BABIES THAT HE DOESN'T CONTRIBUTE TO THEIR CARE, like nothing ever happened? Why does he get that opportunity to get his life together??? I was able to get myself together and realize that agonizing over these will not help me and I may never get answers...and even if I did, what would really change? I felt like I HAD to ask the ME....I still want justice for her, if some can be had, and felt that IF the cause of death could be changed to homicide, MAYBE then the police would have cause to go after him....

Two nights ago Tim got to have a wonderful dream/visit with Amanda:

My husband just had a dream about our daughter last night. He was so moved and excited. It was in the midst of this chaos and then she was there. He was so stunned to see her and didn't care about what else was going on around him. He just went to her and they hugged each other tightly for a really long time. He told her how much he loves her and misses her. He said she looked the age she was when she passed (he's had a couple of other dreams, but she was always younger). He said she had her hair done and she was dressed really nice. He was crying as he shared it with me. He was just so thankful to have gotten to see and hold her.

I'm so glad he had that dream. He's been longing to have one and he misses her so much. This life, being here without your child, is so hard. 

It's the little things that undo me

Friday, April 29th, we'd gotten up early to take Phillippe to the groomer. Poor thing looked like a homeless dog and I kept thinking that if Ann could see and know the condition he was in, she would never have stood for it. Anyway, we dropped him off, went and had breakfast together. Afterwards, we went by storage. I have been wanting to see if I had some smaller clothes in there since 99% of mine are too big now (PRAISE!!). Tim and I were looking through boxes for a little bit but he had to run by the Wesley for a minute and I continued looking through storage tubs. I was also on a mission trying to find the necklace Tim had bought Amanda so was going through her things.

One thing really kept going through my head and it was how incredibly sad it was that all we have left of our daughter, our treasure, the physical things we have left that were her treasures fit in the space of about 2-3 storage tubs. The hugeness of this person's life, condensed into something so small.  That was just so very sad to me. Of course those "things" don't begin to capture her value or importance, but they are the tangible evidence of a life lived, of passions and interests, of hurts, hopes, dreams, strengths and frailties.

That already had me bummed, but then I ran across the jar of blessings I'd started in 2013. I sat down on the asphalt and pulled out each slip of paper and read each one. Many had to do with Amanda and her accident, so thankful she was still there with us, thankful for Dr. Gadberry (or Dr. G. Biggles as she called him). I was thankful for being able the take care of her in her dependent state after the accident and just being able to love on her. And again, it was all terribly sad to me. I kept thinking it wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I wept bitterly sitting right there outside of our storage shed. I wept for her, for us, for the past, present and future here that we don't get with her. I know we get to see her again and that time is marching ever closer, but here in the now, it sure seems so long and very far off.