It's the little things that undo me

Friday, April 29th, we'd gotten up early to take Phillippe to the groomer. Poor thing looked like a homeless dog and I kept thinking that if Ann could see and know the condition he was in, she would never have stood for it. Anyway, we dropped him off, went and had breakfast together. Afterwards, we went by storage. I have been wanting to see if I had some smaller clothes in there since 99% of mine are too big now (PRAISE!!). Tim and I were looking through boxes for a little bit but he had to run by the Wesley for a minute and I continued looking through storage tubs. I was also on a mission trying to find the necklace Tim had bought Amanda so was going through her things.

One thing really kept going through my head and it was how incredibly sad it was that all we have left of our daughter, our treasure, the physical things we have left that were her treasures fit in the space of about 2-3 storage tubs. The hugeness of this person's life, condensed into something so small.  That was just so very sad to me. Of course those "things" don't begin to capture her value or importance, but they are the tangible evidence of a life lived, of passions and interests, of hurts, hopes, dreams, strengths and frailties.

That already had me bummed, but then I ran across the jar of blessings I'd started in 2013. I sat down on the asphalt and pulled out each slip of paper and read each one. Many had to do with Amanda and her accident, so thankful she was still there with us, thankful for Dr. Gadberry (or Dr. G. Biggles as she called him). I was thankful for being able the take care of her in her dependent state after the accident and just being able to love on her. And again, it was all terribly sad to me. I kept thinking it wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I wept bitterly sitting right there outside of our storage shed. I wept for her, for us, for the past, present and future here that we don't get with her. I know we get to see her again and that time is marching ever closer, but here in the now, it sure seems so long and very far off.