It's been a while...

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted...I just haven't felt up to it.  Tim and I had the best time at the cabin in Shawnee.  It was so special.  There were two owls in the decor...they had the cabin decorated for Christmas with a tree and everything.  It was absolutely perfect!  We saw the most stunning sunset as we were driving into the cabin the first night.  The cabin wasn't too "fru-fru," but it was cozy and just what we needed it to be.  We had brought the owl candle holder I'd painted as well as the owl salt/pepper shakers and set them up in front of the fireplace on one of the bar stools.  We went to dinner at a Japanese steakhouse, went to the zoo, went to dinner in OKC at KD's, watched movies and just quietly remembered our girl.  It was perfect...for being what we were there for.  We were just trying to celebrate life, her life and the life we still have to live but without her with us.  Of course there were times of tears.  We just miss her so very much.  It's so surreal to have to mark milestones because she's not here.  Grief has its own milestones...holidays without her, vacations without her, last time you saw her, birthdays, anniversary dates, etc. etc. She is frozen in time and it's so hard to try to imagine what she'd be like now...would she have continued down that path?  Would she have finally gotten help or embraced growing up and met the challenge?  We will never know.  All I do know is that she's in a far better place than she ever could have been here whether she lived or not.

Christmas was different.  I mean, we were here, so that was hard not being with Michael.  But in its own way, it was good to be here with Daddy for a change at Christmas.  We had made him a photo collage book of he and Ann's times/travels together.  We also bought him a turquoise/nickel bolo tie.  He loved both but cried, of course, over the book.  He'll be able to use that at her funeral, which was part of why we made the book.  I cooked a small Christmas meal but didn't overdo it.  I wore Amanda's knee-high socks that day to "have her with me."  Tim had gotten a bigger TV for us for Christmas for the living room as he was moving the other TV to the sunroom.  We also bought us an elliptical, which didn't get delivered for several weeks after.  I'd gotten him a soundbar for the TV in the living room.  He'd also gotten two picture frames that are made to look like window frames with four panes each and put pictures from our trip to the Shawnee cabin in them.  He also got me an owl necklace and another picture frame that said, "To have somewhere to go is Home.  To have someone to love is Family.  Both are a blessing."  Inside is a picture he took of us at the cabin.  It all was so special and made me cry.

Michael is doing well.  He's started back for another semester in college.  He was reinstated with financial aid and that came through prior to his enrolling so all of his classes and books were covered.  Thank God!  We've made plans to go see him March 13-19.  I'm so excited to see him!!

One day maybe two weeks ago (?) Tim and I were coming home on Cox Lane and saw a big owl fly overhead and land in a tree up ahead on the left.  We stopped the car and just watched it watching us.  We just stared and watched it for a while.  I guess it got tired of our gawking and flew to the right to land in a tree by Martha Kay's.  We pulled up a little more and sat and watched it.  Finally, we just drove on home.  It was really cool to see and Tim cried a little....just missing our girl.

For Tim's 42nd birthday (Jan. 9), I'd bought tickets for us to go see the Oklahoma City Thunder.  The game wasn't until the 15th, against the Timberwolves.  Our seats were surprisingly pretty good.  Could've been a little lower, but really the view was great.  We stayed the night at the Crowne Plaza hotel and it was great to just get away.  We ate at Dave and Buster's prior to the game.  It was actually fairly disappointing (the food not the basketball game).  OKC won the game.  It was wonderful to get a full night's sleep without animals crawling all over us and clamoring for our attention!

This morning Tim sent me a picture of an owl he saw when he was driving down Banty Road.  This big beautiful barn owl just sitting on a fence post...you don't usually see them during the day but there it was!

 

Yesterday very early morning (3:11) we were awoke by the phone.  Aunt Sheila was calling and needed help.  Uncle Jack had fallen and she thought he had a stroke.  She hadn't called 911 yet, though, so I told her to hang up with me and call them and we'd be over.  Sure enough, he was in his back bedroom on the floor on his side.  The way the bedroom was set up, it was difficult to maneuver him.  He couldn't help any.  We had to sort of roll him over and try to get him sat up as best we could.  We tried to prop him against the bed until the EMTs arrived.  They finally got there and it was difficult for them to get him up and onto the gurney.  Then for some reason they had to meet Durant EMS and transfer him to another ambulance.  Aunt Sheila was with me and Tim followed.  Long story short, Durant hospital wasn't equipped to handle his neurologic needs and he was transferred to TMC in Denison.  He's had multiple CT scans, an MRI, speech pathology and physical therapy.  When we first got to him, he could barely speak..he tried, but it was difficult to understand him.  It had affected his whole left side.  He couldn't see out of his left eye.  He couldn't move his left arm or leg.  By the time he left the Durant hospital to be transferred, he could move his arm and leg but still could not grip with his left hand.  His speech is somewhat improved.  I'm sure with speech therapy and physical therapy we will see some improvements.  It breaks my heart.  Uncle Jack is the sweetest man and always a doer!!  He still kept his sense of humor, though, and said he was too young for a stroke!  He JUST retired Jan. 1!!  When I took Aunt Sheila to TMC as Jack was being transferred, I met Jodie (their daughter) and her husband Jeremy.  I haven't seen Jodie for years...probably since Grandpa's funeral.  Sheila had had me call Jodie to let her know when we were at the Durant hospital and when we were at TMC, she had me call Jack's son, Garth.  After I went in and saw Uncle Jack and visited with Sheila, Tim and I went ahead and went home since Jodie could take care of her mom.  I got everyone's phone numbers and gave them mine. They've been keeping me updated.  I'm going to go see him tomorrow after I get done serving lunch.  I will bring snacks for them if they would like some and hopefully give them a break so they can get outside of the hospital for some fresh air and maybe they can go back to Jodie's to get some real rest.  I just want to be available to them as much as possible without overstepping my bounds.

They got the results back from the MRI that was done this morning.  He actually had a large stroke in the right frontal brain and a smaller one in the back right brain.  The doctor was surprised he's doing as well as he is.  Physical therapy had him up taking a few steps today and his throat was scoped, dad said, and he's able to eat regular food now.  Initially he couldn't swallow water but could drink thicker liquids and very soft foods.  Praise God for progress!

That's about it and it's past my bedtime. 

Holidays

I haven't written in a bit...I just haven't wanted to. The holidays have me reminiscing about Amanda and it all seems wrong without her here.

I cooked a very minimal Thanksgiving dinner. I played Adele while I was cooking to include Amanda.  It was okay. We watched a movie with Dad while we ate.  I also purchased Christmas cards and, with Tim's help, got those filled out and sent.

On November 30 we received the T-shirt quilt that we had made of Amanda's T-shirts.  It is BEAUTIFUL.  Such a special thing to have. I'm sort of paranoid of it getting messed up, though.  It's a queen size and we had bought owl flannel sheets to be the backing of it.  We have the T-shirt side down as, with the animals, I don't want it messed up.  It's like snuggling up with her...sort of.

I did do my baking for Michael.  I made him chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, snickerdoodles, oatmeal raisin cookies, turtles and fudge.  I shipped that out November 30 also, priority mail...supposed to be there BY the 3rd...oh no...he got it on the 7th.  I was not a happy camper, but at least he got it.  He was funny. He texted me the next day and said someone needed to take the bag of turtles away from him because he kept eating them. :-)

I organized a group of us from youth (adults only) to go to Elements and paint.  It was so much fun!  I really needed it. The wine helped haha.  Tim made his look like an elf and mine...well, it's supposed to be Santa.  We laughed and carried on.  It was a really fun night and I needed to cut loose so much.  The pressure and stress of missing Amanda is so heavy.  I've been snapping at everything.  I've been drinking a little more (which is to say I very, very rarely drink at all, and I bought a bottle of mudslides and a bottle of wine at Thanksgiving and I still have some of both left).  Because we had so much fun, I organized for us to have (with kids) a gingerbread house and/or cookie decorating get-together at the Wesley.  We (generalized) always talk about getting together with people and it's always sort of put off for "we should" or "sometime" and never actually do it.  Tim and I are such hermits and it's good for us to get together with friends.  That will be happening on the 18th at 6 p.m.

We had the Wesley Christmas party/dinner this last Sunday night. I was supposed to make the ham and spinach dip but ended up making the deviled eggs and mashed potatoes, too.  They did a talent show which was funny.  Tim participated in that, two different skits.  I knew they were practicing for something for a few weeks, but I hadn't seen it.  It was cute.

All of this is good and fine and all of that, but honestly, I feel like a fraud.  Even with my book and all of that, I guess it gives the illusion that I'm dealing with things fine, and who knows, maybe in the grand scheme of things and the magnitude of my loss, I am, but it doesn't feel like it.  I guess it really just hits me even harder at the holidays.  I had a hissy fit the other night, well, Sunday afternoon.  At times I feel like all of this helping with this and helping with that are just too much and even though Tim says I don't have to, I know that he kind of does expect it, so I do it, and feel like I constantly have to stuff my own needs into a corner.  I don't know. Maybe doing this stuff is better for me than hiding in my room.

The book is selling very slowly.  I got my first "royalty check."  A big whopping $14 and some change.  We haven't even broken even yet to start sending money to New Life House.  Sigh.  No festivals in the near future to try and sell at.  No new radio or TV appearances to promote it.  It's frustrating.

I guess I'd better get back to work.  I've been struggling with that, too.  I can't seem to stay focused.  I'm easily distracted...Case in point, I'm writing my blog when I should be working.  Tim and I booked a cabin in Shawnee that we are going to tomorrow and coming back on the 12th to be there during the anniversary of Amanda's death.  I'm glad we will just have some time alone.  I miss Amanda so very much.  I know she's better, I just miss her.  Can't even go home to see Michael for Christmas, but that was worth it because we were able to keep him in school this semester.  He just passed the first part of his certification exam for his degree.  I'm really proud of him!!!  He's working so hard, full-time as the kitchen manager at Crave and taking care of his school in addition to his relationship with Sara.  I'm really happy for him and the direction his life is heading.

Back to work.

Local Author Shares Touching Story Behind Her New Book - KTEN.com - No One Gets You Closer

Local Author Shares Touching Story Behind Her New Book - KTEN.com - No One Gets You Closer

Busyness and grumpy

So much has been going on that I haven't felt like I've had the time to even post. I've sold several books. I went to Jen's church in Calera last Sunday (November 1) to be part of the service. She was talking about life after death and after reading my book, she knew I'd had several experiences with Amanda and even prior, with my mom, so she had me sit up front with her and she asked me questions.  Tim went with me and videotaped it.  I think I did pretty well.  Then the next day I had a television interview with KXII. That was VERY brief.  Tim went with me to support me with that, too.  Aaron Bucy was there. Everything seemed to go fairly well until the cameraman distracted me and right then they asked me where people could find the book, and I froze. Thank goodness the camera wasn't on me at that time, but it was obvious that my mind had gone blank....sigh.  Lesson learned.  I have another interview on Friday with KTEN and this time I'm going to bring a note card with the websites where people can purchase the book!  Tuesday we have a student coming over from Southeastern to interview us for the college newspaper.  It's not like the main newspaper for town, but at least it's exposure.

We were SUPPOSED to go to Bullard, Texas on Friday for the Red, White & Blue Festival where Aaron was going to be there with myself and two other authors. I had purchased 50 books to have available for sale. Tim and I were so excited...we were finally going to get away, even if it was just overnight.  So, we're on our way there, in Anna, Texas, and I saw I had a text from Aaron....the event was canceled....flooding overnight caused the place to be too wet.  So, we had to cancel our hotel reservations and instead we went to Sherman for me to renew my glasses.

God protected us, though, in us not going to Bullard.  Saturday when I went to start my car, my check engine light and traction light came on and stayed on.  Also, my cruise control light was blinking at me when I tried to turn it on and set it.  Sooooo, I followed Tim in his truck and we dropped my car off in Sherman at the Toyota place to be worked on.  I'd rather have that happen when we were at home than 4 hours away. God knew it was going to happen!

Friday before we headed out of town, though, we stopped and ate brunch at IHOP.  A song came on and I just busted out crying!  This song, "Say Something," is one I associate with Amanda being nonresponsive in the hospital. There's this one part that says, "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." and it tears me up.  Not that I knew she was dying or where she was to be able to get to her, but it's a momma's heart to always want to protect their children, and I wasn't able to protect her, to save her. Anyway, it sort of caught me off-guard me having that reaction...was like a punch in the gut.  I just sat there crying in the middle of IHOP.  I've been more aware lately anyways with the holidays approaching that it's almost been two years since Amanda died and so I've been more emotional.

I've also been more stressed about living here, not in Oklahoma, per se, but that Tim and I have no privacy, no "our space," nothing that's really ours.  I hate how junky this house is, how junky it stays. I hate the clutter. I don't like how tiny our room is and I'm just picking at stuff. It's probably just because of my nerves being more frayed lately, but it's just really getting old. I miss Tim and I having our space, our being able to have down time the way/when we want to without being on anyone else's scheduled.  For instance, and this really annoyed me today, Dad informed me that Ann's brother is coming for a visit tomorrow...I'm SUPPOSED to be working tomorrow...I know it's good her brother wants to see her and all that, but it's like there is no consideration, zero, to my obligation to be working.  I felt like if someone is supposed to come visit, HE should stay home instead of going bowling so that HE can visit with them or whatever needed to be done instead of him going bowling and me having my work interrupted AGAIN, as if it isn't all day every Monday and Wednesday with the dogs, the cats, the nurses, etc. I don't have an office space or room that I could close off...I'm right in the flipping dining/living room. Sigh...I feel taken for granted, like my time is not valued the same as others'.  I need some space. I need some peace. I was so looking forward to having that, even temporarily with the hotel night away...

Emotional

I've been a bit emotional the last few days.  I can't totally put my finger on it.  It's been cumulative of several small things....the seasons changing, I've hurt my left foot and right knee attempting to jog and so I'm out of doing that for a while (I think I actually have "duck feet" so that may be why - I had to wear braces on my feet/legs as a child and maybe they didn't work??...we got a new dog (Jax) and it made me sad that as big of a lover of animals Amanda was, she wasn't here to meet him/love on him...my book is I guess selling okay...I want it to do well as I want it to help others, but at the same time it's hard to think about it as the only reason there IS a book is because our baby girl is in Heaven....then last night I heard back after several months from a lady I'd asked about making a T-shirt quilt for me from Amanda's T-shirts.  I took those out of Tim's dresser where they've been for months.  I've wanted to get this done and yet, as silly as it may seem to some, the thought of those shirts being cut up for any reason upsets me.  One more tangible thing that was Amanda's and I'm letting them go, even if it's to turn them into something wonderful in her memory.  I never would have worn them, but still it was hard to part with them.  I did take pictures of all of them last night and met with her today.  For the back, I need to look for a queen-size sheet with owls on it, sort of whimsical, if I can find one Tim and I agree on.

Aaron Bucy contacted me tonight...my book is ready in paperback for sale.  I will receive two free ones based on our contract and we ordered 18 more.  One I know I'll give to Michael, Linda, and Ms. Trudy.  Several others want to buy one.  Anyway, it's exciting and saddening at the same time.  Aaron is going to contact a news station for them to interview me.

I guess that's it...shed some tears today.  I also cried when I had to throw away one of the candles at the Wesley that were ones we'd bought for Amanda for her apartment....made me sad...another thing gone.

Amanda's 21st birthday, Sunday, September 27, 2015.

It really was a beautiful day.  I  had been in a bit of a funk (not too terrible) a few days before, but that's normal.  Saturday I stayed in bed quite a bit, just sad.

Sunday had a beautiful blue sky dotted with clouds and a slight breeze.  We had bought a helium tank that included ribbon and some extra balloons so that we didn't have to purchase any more.  After church we went to McDonald's, in honor of Amanda, and shared some chicken McNuggets (her favorite).  Afterward, we drove out to Lake Texoma.

When we got there, Tim and I tag-teamed, as usual. I was cutting the ribbons and holding the balloons together as he got them ready, blowing them up, tying them, and the ribbon.  It was HOT, and I laughed that Amanda would be griping that it was too hot out.  At first there didn't seem to be a breeze, but as we were getting closer to releasing, a gentle breeze began.

When they were all assembled, with the big owl in the center that said "Who Loves You Baby?" we sang happy birthday to her (recorded this), and released the balloons.  It was pretty emotional but we did pretty well.

The funny part came when as the balloons were ascending, the owl balloon, which was tied by a toe, didn't ascend ahead of the others despite there being more helium in that one and being the biggest. Instead, it was at the bottom of the bunch, upside down, looking like it was being dragged by his toe.  That made me laugh.  Wasn't quite how it was supposed to work out, but that's ok.  I'm sure if God gave Amanda a window, she would have laughed about it, too.

We watched until they were essentially out of sight and then left.  I went back to the Wesley after dropping Tim off at church.  I took a nap, but before I could, all of these memories of birthday parties for Amanda started flooding my mind. I remembered writing on her birthday cakes, decorating the trailer while she napped or was out playing so I could surprise her.  Those memories were beautiful and yet also brought tears to my eyes.  My sweet baby girl.

I was sort of on edge all day...little things were quick to get on my nerves. I knew it was because of the day.  I still was able to do youth and Jody made her best effort to get me out of my funk.

We've started doing Couch 2 5k a week ago today.  I've seen slight improvements but am not beating myself up about my slow progress, either.  At least I'm moving and it's helping me to feel better that I'm doing something positive along with changing my eating habits to take care of me.

I finished editing my book on the 27th, appropriate that it's about grieving Amanda's loss and it's complete on her birthday. We'll see what happens with it. I sent it to the publisher/Aaron Bucy.  It's in God's hands. I just want others to get something positive out of it, mostly hope.

Big Changes

So....I've been helping Tim with youth this semester. To be honest, I really didn't want to. I wanted to pull away some...But God had other plans for me and I'm so glad He did!

For the last almost 3 years of helping with youth, I've felt a lot of pressure in being a leader, whether that was self-induced pressure or not.  This year, though, we have a lot of help!  I'm in a group of leaders for the junior high girls, which is different for me (I have traditionally done senior high girls). I have Shelby, Jody, and Jean with me, so I don't feel so much of the pressure to do it all of have all of the answers or have it all together. It's been FANTASTIC!  Not only are we our own accountability group, but the strengths each one brings complements another's.

Tim has been challenging us (the youth and leaders) lately to make being with God a habit that we pursue. This really spoke to me in that we are only as close to God as we want to be.  Convicted!  I've been the worst about picking up my Bible to take it to church and not picking it up again until the next Sunday.  I really wanted to take this seriously....to purpose to draw closer to God and not solely in prayer. I needed to get into His word.  I downloaded the First 5 app from Proverbs 31 Ministries, whose purpose is for us to give God our first moments of the day through a quick devotional and Scripture reading.  It asks questions at the end to ponder, etc.  I also downloaded the You Version Bible Study app and have started 3 Bible studies in that.  This time with God has been transformative!!  Just starting my day out with time with God in His word has filled my soul with peace that covers me all day.  Not only that, but there was one scripture that really hit home with me, Genesis 7:5, "And Noah was obedient with all God commanded him."  ALL, that's the word that got me. He didn't just pick or choose the easy parts or the fun parts, or what he felt like at a given time. ALL.  This also convicted me.

I knew for a while that God's been wanting me to do my part to reconcile with Michelle W. but I'd been stomping my foot at him telling him No. I didn't want to. I felt "justified" in my feelings.  As part of one of my devotionals, also, I'd come across a story that made me think...it was about how we often only want to be used by God in the way WE want to, not necessarily in the way God wants to use us.  I realized I was guilty of that at times and began to pray. I wanted God to be able to use me in any way He saw fit, even in the hard stuff.  Well....later that day God gave me a chance to put that to the test and it involved Michelle.  My initial response was the foot stomping NO!  Immediately, the Holy Spirit whispers to me, "Oh?  Didn't you just pray earlier for me to use you even in the hard things?  Really meant that, huh?!"  UGH!  Head hanging low...yes, God, you're right. I will be obedient (through gritted teeth).  I told God, you know I don't want to do this, but I WANT to want to do this, so if you can take that and do something with it....of course He can!  So...I let Tim know my encounter with God and he'd come to the same conclusion I had. We needed to not be hardhearted about this situation. 

But God wasn't done with me yet about this. See it wasn't enough to repent of my hardened heart, I had to do something about it to attempt to reconcile. So...being the coward I am, I apologized to her...via text. Yeah, I know, lame, but I really am still not ready to talk to her.  I apologized for having hardened my heart towards her and for any pain I caused her. She never responded, but that's not MY business; that is between she and God.  So, that was huge for me.

THEN, Jody from youth also had invited me to her Sunday school the other day after church so I went with her. That was also a big deal for me. I'm always so worried no one is going to like me so shy away, but since she was there, I felt more confident. It was a GREAT Sunday school class. I knew several in there and even went back the next week.  That week in class, God also got to work on me.  God brought to mind all of the ways/occasions people from our church have blessed us since we got there and I was convicted again!!  All of those people doing all of these wonderful things for us, welcoming us, and what have I done? Basically spat in their face with my attitude, how I'd hardened my heart about even being here. Oh the people I know I've hurt with my words/attitudes/actions!  I felt so ashamed.  It was like God has removed the scales from my eyes to see all of the good things that we DO have here, the wonderful people and the blessings we've been given and I've been so blind to them. It's like I didn't want to even acknowledge them. I was so dead set that "I'm not staying here" that I refused to get close to anyone or see the good that was here around us.  I once was blind but now I see....Again, I had to bow my head and pray, asking for forgiveness for my hardened heart.  Whatever you need of me, Lord....if this is where you want to use us, your will be done. I will do whatever you want.

I can't tell you how light I've felt in my spirit since all of this has taken place!!  I honestly feel like I'm coming back to life.  The depression that has been a weight around my neck is lifting...that's NOT to say that I miss or love Amanda any less...but it's okay for me to live...to really live!  I know Amanda would want no less for me.

Thank you, God, for all of the work you are doing and have yet to do in me to make me more like you!  Thank you for the nudging of the Holy Spirit. I want to be obedient to you in all things, in all ways, at all times. Forgive me when I fail. Thank you for your Word and the privilege to spend time with you! Thank you for being my shelter in the storm and my light, even when I couldn't see that you were there. Thank you for never, ever leaving me.  Amen