This will just be a quick one, but I had something interesting happen earlier and wanted to document it.
This afternoon Tim's youth group and some others from church were serving at Families Feeding Families. We got there entirely too early and I was just standing by the kitchen talking to two of the boys from Caddo. I had gotten a call from Michael a little earlier so when I heard my phone, I assumed it was him again maybe having forgotten to tell me something. I pull it out of my shorts pocket, and instead of it being a phone call, it was a video of Amanda riding in a car with another girl and Amanda was just singing and laughing. For that to have logically happened, I would have had to select my camera icon, go to my videos and find one of Amanda. I just felt really blessed but also choked up. I wanted to be able to get away and just think about my girl, but I didn't have that chance. Maybe, like one friend said, she was telling me hello, she loves me and to remember her that way.
A second blessing is when I got home from there with Tim and there was a package from my friend, Nancy Bullock. She had sent me a card and this sweet memory locket that she personalized with an "A," an owl, a heart that said "daughter" and a music note. All of it represents Amanda so well. It was so beautiful and thoughtful. She had also received today the owl pin I sent to her :-) She sent me a picture on FB to show it on her purse.
My roller coaster experience of losing our 19-year-old daughter and walking through all that entails.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Comforting changes of perspective
I was going to wait until tonight to write this, but I wanted to make sure I got it down before I forgot it or just forgot to do it.
After blogging last night, I was reflecting on some very hard questions that I will have to answer for my new "homework." One is, "Why did my child die?" Now, these questions are, or can be, things that we never know the answers to this side of Heaven, and are oftentimes more asked as prayers. I started thinking about that one question, why did Amanda die? My practical side knows the why, physically, of what happened to her with the heroin, alcohol, and pneumonia. But that's not the essence of the question I really seek the answer to. As I was reflecting, I don't know how to explain it other than the voice of God whispering to my heart. He told me that it was because Amanda was so fragile and so broken, and this world was so cruel. It was the most merciful act of love He could do as, if she stayed in this world, it would have continued to chew her up and spit her out; she wouldn't have had the life I wanted for her, He said.
This makes me both comforted and cry. I'm glad that he had that mercy on her, to take her out of this world where she was so broken. This isn't like it's new to me. I knew it wasn't a punishment from God and that he didn't "take her" from us, as in He caused it, but I guess I just needed to hear that from Him right then and was receptive to His message to me. He was merciful. That is who He is - Gracious, Merciful, Loving God.
The second thing I was reflecting on that God spoke to me about is about my Dad. I've been pretty resentful of the fact that he wouldn't move to NC and that we ended up moving here. In essence, I guess I've blamed him in part for Amanda dying. That's not an easy thing to admit nor to carry around with you, especially when I live with him. It's not been a nice feeling. I was thinking about how he didn't move when we wanted him to. What God told me next was this, "He may not have moved (location) when you wanted him to, but if he hadn't moved when you needed him to, you wouldn't even have had the chance to raise Amanda and be her mom." Whoa! That was a punch in the gut, but much needed. What that means is that when Amanda was born and she was initially going to be adopted, she went home with the adoptive couple. It wasn't truly what I wanted and felt sort of stuck, but after a day and a half, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed to get my baby girl back and do whatever it took to raise her and be her mom. I was talking to my Dad on the phone and told him I couldn't do it; I wanted to get my baby back. He said, "Let's go get my granddaughter!" In other words, he MOVED for me; he got in his truck and raced from Palmdale to Canyon Country to get me and then to Santa Monica to the lawyer's office and sat there stoically with me, holding my hand, so I could get my baby girl. Instead of being resentful of him for not moving when I wanted him to, I need to be grateful for him "moving" when I needed him to so I had the honor and privilege of raising Amanda and being her mom.
Thank you, Papa God, for giving me a new perspective on events. Thank you for my Dad. Thank you for letting me be Amanda's mom as long as I live, and then some!
After blogging last night, I was reflecting on some very hard questions that I will have to answer for my new "homework." One is, "Why did my child die?" Now, these questions are, or can be, things that we never know the answers to this side of Heaven, and are oftentimes more asked as prayers. I started thinking about that one question, why did Amanda die? My practical side knows the why, physically, of what happened to her with the heroin, alcohol, and pneumonia. But that's not the essence of the question I really seek the answer to. As I was reflecting, I don't know how to explain it other than the voice of God whispering to my heart. He told me that it was because Amanda was so fragile and so broken, and this world was so cruel. It was the most merciful act of love He could do as, if she stayed in this world, it would have continued to chew her up and spit her out; she wouldn't have had the life I wanted for her, He said.
This makes me both comforted and cry. I'm glad that he had that mercy on her, to take her out of this world where she was so broken. This isn't like it's new to me. I knew it wasn't a punishment from God and that he didn't "take her" from us, as in He caused it, but I guess I just needed to hear that from Him right then and was receptive to His message to me. He was merciful. That is who He is - Gracious, Merciful, Loving God.
The second thing I was reflecting on that God spoke to me about is about my Dad. I've been pretty resentful of the fact that he wouldn't move to NC and that we ended up moving here. In essence, I guess I've blamed him in part for Amanda dying. That's not an easy thing to admit nor to carry around with you, especially when I live with him. It's not been a nice feeling. I was thinking about how he didn't move when we wanted him to. What God told me next was this, "He may not have moved (location) when you wanted him to, but if he hadn't moved when you needed him to, you wouldn't even have had the chance to raise Amanda and be her mom." Whoa! That was a punch in the gut, but much needed. What that means is that when Amanda was born and she was initially going to be adopted, she went home with the adoptive couple. It wasn't truly what I wanted and felt sort of stuck, but after a day and a half, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed to get my baby girl back and do whatever it took to raise her and be her mom. I was talking to my Dad on the phone and told him I couldn't do it; I wanted to get my baby back. He said, "Let's go get my granddaughter!" In other words, he MOVED for me; he got in his truck and raced from Palmdale to Canyon Country to get me and then to Santa Monica to the lawyer's office and sat there stoically with me, holding my hand, so I could get my baby girl. Instead of being resentful of him for not moving when I wanted him to, I need to be grateful for him "moving" when I needed him to so I had the honor and privilege of raising Amanda and being her mom.
Thank you, Papa God, for giving me a new perspective on events. Thank you for my Dad. Thank you for letting me be Amanda's mom as long as I live, and then some!
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Comfort for those who mourn
Nothing much new to talk about, I guess. Dad is gone on his trip to Reno. Our grief support group is going okay, I guess. I think when we are done with Beyond the Broken Heart in October, Tim and I might just go to Ada once a month to The Compassionate Friends meetings.
A few weeks back we took Lori, one of our group members to Orr, OK, so she could finally see her daughter's grave again. It had been several years. We took her to see several of her family members and her best friend as well as out to lunch, and, of course, to the cemetery. It was a great day for her and it was nice to be able to do that for her. We had been wanting to bless her in a certain way, but as we were with her and listening to her, a definite need was stated...not like blatantly, "hey we need this," but Tim and I both felt called to help meet that need, so at the end of the day, that's what we did. She was floored and so thankful. It blessed us just to see her appreciation and knowing we did what God would have wanted us to do.
I started thinking recently about how I have too much time on my hands to think and get sad about Amanda not being here anymore, about things I can't change at all or, for some, just not yet. I have also missed doing transcription. I just randomly emailed my old supervisor at Command Health to see if they had any part-time work available. She was so excited. One thing led to another and now I'm back working for them 20 hrs a week and for the Wesley 20. My office is at the Wesley, just in a different room now than before. As much as I missed doing it, I was absolutely terrified that with my brain being as it has been since Amanda died, I wasn't sure I would be able to cut it anymore. It's been like trying to see through the thickest fog. I literally was trembling my first day and anxious looking over the account specs, etc. I have been more than pleasantly surprised. Sure, I'm not as fast as I was, but I've been out of the game for 10 months, but I've been able to pick it back up with very little difficulty...so far. It's not like I need it for the money, so this will just go towards fun money, Christmas and going home to Carolina to see Michael and others.
I was looking at a picture of Amanda the other day that is on my desk. She was a sophomore or so and those big blue eyes were so sparkly and full of life. It just struck me as so sad that we only have those pictures, only the past with her to look back on, and will never have any new pictures of her any older than 19. I know we have our future with her...it just seems so far away in the here and now.
I miss you, baby girl. I'm trying to help others who, for whatever reason, wind up in their own boatful of grief. That's all we can do is try to comfort others as God has comforted us to try and make something beautiful out of something so wrong. I hope I make you proud. Save some hugs for Momma. I love you.
A few weeks back we took Lori, one of our group members to Orr, OK, so she could finally see her daughter's grave again. It had been several years. We took her to see several of her family members and her best friend as well as out to lunch, and, of course, to the cemetery. It was a great day for her and it was nice to be able to do that for her. We had been wanting to bless her in a certain way, but as we were with her and listening to her, a definite need was stated...not like blatantly, "hey we need this," but Tim and I both felt called to help meet that need, so at the end of the day, that's what we did. She was floored and so thankful. It blessed us just to see her appreciation and knowing we did what God would have wanted us to do.
I started thinking recently about how I have too much time on my hands to think and get sad about Amanda not being here anymore, about things I can't change at all or, for some, just not yet. I have also missed doing transcription. I just randomly emailed my old supervisor at Command Health to see if they had any part-time work available. She was so excited. One thing led to another and now I'm back working for them 20 hrs a week and for the Wesley 20. My office is at the Wesley, just in a different room now than before. As much as I missed doing it, I was absolutely terrified that with my brain being as it has been since Amanda died, I wasn't sure I would be able to cut it anymore. It's been like trying to see through the thickest fog. I literally was trembling my first day and anxious looking over the account specs, etc. I have been more than pleasantly surprised. Sure, I'm not as fast as I was, but I've been out of the game for 10 months, but I've been able to pick it back up with very little difficulty...so far. It's not like I need it for the money, so this will just go towards fun money, Christmas and going home to Carolina to see Michael and others.
I was looking at a picture of Amanda the other day that is on my desk. She was a sophomore or so and those big blue eyes were so sparkly and full of life. It just struck me as so sad that we only have those pictures, only the past with her to look back on, and will never have any new pictures of her any older than 19. I know we have our future with her...it just seems so far away in the here and now.
I miss you, baby girl. I'm trying to help others who, for whatever reason, wind up in their own boatful of grief. That's all we can do is try to comfort others as God has comforted us to try and make something beautiful out of something so wrong. I hope I make you proud. Save some hugs for Momma. I love you.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5New International Version (NIV)
Praise to the God of All Comfort
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.
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