Comforting changes of perspective

I was going to wait until tonight to write this, but I wanted to make sure I got it down before I forgot it or just forgot to do it.

After blogging last night, I was reflecting on some very hard questions that I will have to answer for my new "homework." One is, "Why did my child die?" Now, these questions are, or can be, things that we never know the answers to this side of Heaven, and are oftentimes more asked as prayers. I started thinking about that one question, why did Amanda die?  My practical side knows the why, physically, of what happened to her with the heroin, alcohol, and pneumonia. But that's not the essence of the question I really seek the answer to.  As I was reflecting, I don't know how to explain it other than the voice of God whispering to my heart. He told me that it was because Amanda was so fragile and so broken, and this world was so cruel. It was the most merciful act of love He could do as, if she stayed in this world, it would have continued to chew her up and spit her out; she wouldn't have had the life I wanted for her, He said.

This makes me both comforted and cry. I'm glad that he had that mercy on her, to take her out of this world where she was so broken. This isn't like it's new to me. I knew it wasn't a punishment from God and that he didn't "take her" from us, as in He caused it, but I guess I just needed to hear that from Him right then and was receptive to His message to me. He was merciful. That is who He is - Gracious, Merciful, Loving God.

The second thing I was reflecting on that God spoke to me about is about my Dad.  I've been pretty resentful of the fact that he wouldn't move to NC and that we ended up moving here. In essence, I guess I've blamed him in part for Amanda dying. That's not an easy thing to admit nor to carry around with you, especially when I live with him. It's not been a nice feeling. I was thinking about how he didn't move when we wanted him to. What God told me next was this, "He may not have moved (location) when you wanted him to, but if he hadn't moved when you needed him to, you wouldn't even have had the chance to raise Amanda and be her mom." Whoa! That was a punch in the gut, but much needed. What that means is that when Amanda was born and she was initially going to be adopted, she went home with the adoptive couple. It wasn't truly what I wanted and felt sort of stuck, but after a day and a half, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I needed to get my baby girl back and do whatever it took to raise her and be her mom.  I was talking to my Dad on the phone and told him I couldn't do it; I wanted to get my baby back.  He said, "Let's go get my granddaughter!"  In other words, he MOVED for me; he got in his truck and raced from Palmdale to Canyon Country to get me and then to Santa Monica to the lawyer's office and sat there stoically with me, holding my hand, so I could get my baby girl. Instead of being resentful of him for not moving when I wanted him to, I need to be grateful for him "moving" when I needed him to so I had the honor and privilege of raising Amanda and being her mom.

Thank you, Papa God, for giving me a new perspective on events. Thank you for my Dad. Thank you for letting me be Amanda's mom as long as I live, and then some!