Dark places

Last time I wrote, I think I indicated that I need some help. That is very true.  The fact of the matter is I feel hopeless and rather pointless.  Hopeless in that I feel stuck and see no viable option for me.  We are here to help dad, and dad is here in the sticks. Being in the sticks for me is entirely too isolating and it's not good for my bipolar (Amanda and I definitely had that in common).  I can't move and Dad won't move, so....I've been in a very, very dark place contemplating pills, think about drinking way too much, and just suicide in general.  I feel pointless in that I feel like dad and I don't really relate. We don't talk. I feel like I can't really share what's on my heart and mind because (A) It would likely hurt his feelings, (B), I feel tremendous guilt for feeling how I do, (C) he never talks about Amanda, and (D) I feel like he doesn't really care if I am here or not, but Tim, being a man, is another story.  I feel like a hindrance to Tim. I feel like just a wallet to Michael, which I know is not true, but in general, it just feels like if I were to die, it really wouldn't leave a ripple.

I also feel hopeless in that I don't feel like my well being, be it physical or mental or ____ is a priority to anyone.  I have to be here Mondays and Wednesdays for Dad to do his stuff.  Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to be at the Wesley for Tim and all his stuff. Sundays I have to help Tim.  My only day to do anything is Friday and frankly, sometimes I get damn sick and tired of having to schedule anything I need around everyone else's schedules. 

Last night I looked into where the Choctaw Behavioral Health Services are.  There is a location near me in Hugo, but the main place is in Talihina, 2.5 hours from me. Stupid.  It didn't give any indication as to whether I can just call and make an appointment to be seen or if I have to have a referral or ??  I see Dr. Lee soonish so I will ask him unless I call up there earlier.  I feel so crappy.  Like I'm already on meds for depression and clearly they either aren't working or if they are, they are certainly not enough.  I definitely want to talk to a therapist to help me work through some of these feelings.  I just feel like I have no purpose anymore.  I have no drive about anything.  All I do is work, wait on Tim, help Tim, help Dad, clean, and go to church where I'm getting nothing out of it....which is and has been another point of contention.  At Covenant I could have gone to one of the counselors there but FUMC Durant offers NOTHING like that.  The pastor is clueless and only gives pat answers...oh just pray about it...do you think I haven't?  I may talk to Jen Kellogg, though. I would feel safe talking to her.  She's a pastor, close to my age, and a friend.

Anyway, if anyone actually reads this thing, I'm sure people are sick of my whining, but ya know what? This is MY life and MY blog and this is my only outlet other than talking to Tim, and he hears it already.  I'm glad I was able to voice all of these things to him yesterday.  I know he's scared for me and I hate making him feel that way.  Frankly, the way I feel scares me, too, sometimes.