We had a WONDERFUL trip home to NC from July 28 through Aug. 4. It was sooooo good!!! Michael went out of his way to spend time with us this time, which was a really nice change. We got to meet his girlfriend, Sara, and we really like her a lot. She is really good for him. The maturity level was saw in him, the responsibility, the tenderness he has with Sara...all really good changes to see in him. As usual, I didn't want to come home and cried on the way back. We went fishing, ate out a LOT, took him shopping, paid his rent for August, went to a Sunday at the Park at the Town Commons where we listened to music and talked, went to a movie (Ant Man), visited friends, went to Covenant, painted pottery at The Painted Peacock. It was so nice to be able to see him whenever we wanted. I miss that so very much. It was nice to feel needed and wanted. To see the relationship with him as an adult start really developing.
Then I come back here. I'm so isolated. I'm so lonely. I miss Amanda so very much. I feel so guilty. I HATE living out here in the sticks but know I can't leave Dad. I don't like going to our church here. I get nothing out of it. I don't fit in anywhere. I can be in a crowd, like last night at the pool party, and feel totally alone. I don't feel a purpose in my life. I think too often about drinking and/or suicide. I would never want to leave Michael and Tim, though...and drinking, well that's all Tim needs to deal with is an alcoholic wife when he's a pastor....
I looked again for a The Compassionate Friends meeting closer to me, and still, the closest one is in Ada. There is a new Grief Share group that started up in Sherman...on Monday nights...started actually tonight. I feel like there's no one here I can really relate to. No one I can feel safe to take my mask off for. I mean who wants to listen to or be around Debbie Downer? I miss my life...the one I had with my intact family in North Carolina...though when I was in NC I missed my dad, so when the hell am I happy? And now Amanda's whole and fully loved in Heaven, but I struggle every day with missing her....with missing me. I feel so alone.
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Ran across these today on FB...I needed them both.
... to the limpers who feel too far behind,
to the bruised who feel too busted up,
to the scarred who feel too wounded deep inside ---
*We need you*... We need you because you who are scarred make the world sensitive, because you who are broken leak a rare kind of light, because you who limp are the ones who dance the most unforgettably.
*We need you*... and right now, you are the ones down in the trenches who need to know: you are wanted, you are brave, you are Beloved.
-- Ann Voskamp
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