Who Would You Be?

Wednesday, Sept 26, 2018

Der,

Tomorrow would be your 24th birthday. Five...five birthdays you've missed...that we've missed with you. 24 is how old I was when I had you. Who would you be at 24? Would you have followed your dreams and gone into cosmetology or would you have found a new dream to pursue? Would you be a mother? Would you be sober? Would you have found that special someone hand-picked by God for you if things had been different? Who would you be? Who would I be? Who would we be as a family? Who would be your latest favorite band? What new tattoo would you be wanting or getting? Would you have decided to go to school? Would our home still be filled with the sounds of your singing or would you have moved out and been singing in your own home? Would you be married? Who would you be? I don't recognize me. I feel haunted, lost, timid, anxious. Who would we be? Would we get along as you've grown older? Would you still text me random things and would I still get silly songs stuck in your head? Would you still sleep with Baby Bop or would you have retired her to a shelf or your closet? Would we be close? Would you still hero-worship your brother? Would you still be Daddy's little girl? Would you still laugh easily and big? Who would you be?

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you, that I don't miss you and love you, that I don't selfishly wish things were different and you were still here, but the LOVING part of me be glad that you are alive in heaven holding the fort down until I get there. I miss your hugs. I miss hearing the sound of your voice. I miss knowing you were asleep in the next room and miss feeling that false sense of security that I could keep you safe. I didn't keep you safe. I didn't keep you safe from bipolar and I couldn't shield you from the realities of this world in which drugs exist and helped steal you away from us. I wish I got a do-over. So many things I would change but I can't. We push on knowing each day is one day closer to being with you again. Happy birthday Sugarbear. You are loved more than you ever could've imagined but now where you are, I hope you know.

I love you always,

Momma

Mother's Day 2018

Today is Mother's Day. I've tried not to think about it and was pretty successful at it for a while. Friday at work, however, when many ladies are getting flowers from their husbands and/or kids, the dam broke just for a little while.  It wasn't a full-on catastrophic break, more like a crack, but it leaked over lunch when I let my mind go there.  I called Tim on lunch and I know he was expecting it at some point.  It's just the way it goes for me on this grief journey.  I was thankful he let me just express myself as only he and God would understand the depth of my pain.

Mother's Day has been hard for years, even before Amanda died. First, my mom has been gone for 28 years...28 years. That's a lot of Mother's Day cards I haven't had the opportunity to buy, a lot of time spent with her on other times, phone calls and laughs to miss out on.  Then there's Ann not being here now.  But of course, for me, the biggest one is not having Amanda here in the here and now with us and Michael being back home in NC.  We long to get back to him and are working diligently toward that end.  But we're not together now, and that's hard.

Friday afternoon after talking to Tim, he surprised me with two beautiful deep pink roses in a vase with a little card.  He just wanted to cheer me up and knows how I struggle.  He's so very thoughtful and loving. After work, he came back up and we went to Sherman for supper.  We ate at Golden Corral (more like gorged). We went to Office Depot for some stuff he needed and then went shopping for new work/church clothes for me for spring/summer.  Time with him is just what I needed.  It was wonderful.

All the while, however, I know I'm stuffing memories, trying very hard not to think of them, not because they aren't worthy of thinking of and celebrating, but because they are.  Because it hurts so dang much to peek back at those, the happy times, even the hard times because it's a reminder that I don't get those with our girl now and it's only some time off in the future.  So I was at church this morning and Ms. Patty Wells asked me if I'd heard from Mike, which I had.  💝 He called me while I was getting ready for church this morning and we talked for about 15 minutes.  I'd gotten his card yesterday.  Then she asked me if I was thinking on the happier times with Amanda.  I told her I was trying really hard not to.  She insisted that I needed to do that, to celebrate them.  I started crying and she was teared up and gave me a hug and told me she knew it was hard.  After church, knowing we'd already been out to eat at a nicer place this weekend and that most restaurants in town would be packed for Mother's Day, we opted for cheap and went to McDonald's (my choice).  After that, we opted to come home instead of going grocery shopping and get a nap (Tim is done with youth for now - PRAISE!!!).  I say all of that to get to this memory/point.  While I was napping, God brought to mind one of my most favorite, precious memories of Amanda.  When I was in college, she was in pre-school right there at the college.  When they'd be outside playing, she was always on the lookout for me and when she'd see me, even if from a long ways off, she would yell MOMMMMMYYYYY.  I'd hear her and go over to her.  We were always excited to see one another in the middle of our normal day.  It was a treat.  I'd go over to the fence, go inside and she'd run into my arms and I'd just hold her for a while, give her kisses and tell her I loved her.  I really hope it's like that one day again, that she's watching and waiting for me, excited to see me again and when she does, she yells MOMMMMYYY, pushes her way to the front and runs into my arms...I long for that.  What a Mother's Day that will be.

Can't believe it's been this long...

Where do I even begin?  SO. MUCH. HAS. CHANGED.  

So...Dad came home from his 6-week trip and was an absolutely, total and complete MESS.  He was crying all the time. He was a nervous wreck. It broke our hearts to see him like that.  But there was a kicker...when he was gone, he'd reconnected with Aunt JoeAnn (now Jody).  He said he couldn't explain it, but over the course of his visit with her, he fell in love.  We were in shock.  He left grieving one wife and comes home in love with someone else....we thought it would fade...that it would just be a temporary thing that once he got back into the groove of his life here, it would go away....but it didn't.  He'd asked for my blessing to pursue something with her and I of course gave it.  I only want him happy, but at the time when he asked, he said it would be probably a two-year courtship as she's raising her great grands and that's how long it would take for them to be moved out....well, that's what we thought was going to happen.  Next thing we know, he's making plans, getting rid of stuff, putting the house in my name and HE MOVED TO WASHINGTON 10/25/17!!!  We were devastated!!  To be honest, we're still wrestling with it.  We want what's best for him, we're just not positive this is it.  We know he was lonely and that we could never fill that hole of a spouse, but we were not prepared to be without him ourselves.  Tim was brokenhearted, angry, and just generally upset.  For him, Dad was the dad figure he's been craving and missing out on, someone stable whom he could love and be loved by in return, and they did love one another!!  Tim loved spending time with Dad and for Dad, Tim really was a son.

We rented a big dumpster and for a few weeks went through the process before dad left of getting rid of stuff, just crap that we had around the yard, garages, etc. That got rid of a lot of stuff, but not enough!  Still, it's that much less that we will have to deal with later.

I had left my job at the Casino in the gift shop and took a job at the Gaming Commission with Jody Nelson.  BIG MISTAKE!!!!!  Not only did I HATE the job, she and I butted heads.  I cried all the time going to work.  I felt convicted every single day for working there in support of something I don't believe in.  It all came to a head and I just left October 5.  I had gone to work that day and came home about 2 hours later.  I was terrified.  I'd never just quit a job but immediately I felt so much peace in my spirit, outside of the fact that I knew I had likely ruined my friendship with Jody.  I still felt I'd made the right decision.  Fast forward to today and we still aren't friends.  I've apologized multiple times for the way I quit (not that I quit). She says she forgives me but can't trust me anymore. Anyways, I can't do anything about her; I can only do something about me.

Before Daddy moved, for his 80th birthday, I'd gotten us tickets to see a Texas Rangers game.  Dad and Tim came to pick me up from work and we drove down.  We had great seats and it was a lot of fun!  We were trying to create memories/pictures for us all.  Never know if I'll ever be able to do something like that again 😧

I cried for days and days after Daddy moved.  It was initially quite the roller coaster for Dad.  Jody was all over the place as far as how she was treating Dad.  He felt like he was walking on eggshells all of the time which ticked me off.  He is also completely strapped for money.  We are enjoying our couple time but at the same time still wish Dad was here.  We've told Dad we are staying for two years to give he and Jody a chance to see if they are going to move back here.  If so, we won't sell the house as we don't want Dad to not have somewhere to live, whether they are together or not.  If he comes back alone, we will stay.  If he comes back with Jody, we will probably move back home.  If he decides to stay in WA, we are going to try to move back home.  I really don't like ambiguity.  I like at least having the semblance of a plan and this up in the air business has me all upset.  Things do seem like they're settling down on the home front for Dad and Jody, though.  He even told me Josh (Jody's great grandson) got baptized a few weeks back!!!  PRAISE!  That's huge in and of itself, but beyond that, Josh had initially been nervous about Dad moving there as he knew Dad was an ordained minister and Josh didn't go to church.  This was great news!!

Anyway, so now we are in the process of trying to get rid of stuff that Dad left...things we don't want and if we can get some money for it, all the better.  If it's Dad's stuff that sells, I'm sending him at least half the money.  It's my time researching the stuff, listing it on E-Bay, buying shipping supplies and shipping the stuff.  I've sold a bit on E-Bay but we have SO MUCH STUFF left!  We may enlist the help of an auctioneer if we decide we are moving to get rid of some of the bigger things like the tractor, etc. We are also trying to pay off my hospital bill from when I went to the ER in October right before Dad moved for some bradycardia.  That's a whole other subject!  Choctaw refused to pay for it even though I appealed their decision 3x and had letters of support written by my cardiologist and my internal medicine doc.  Supposedly Councilman James Dry is having a big wig re-look at my case and she has the power to overturn it.  We'll see but I'm not holding my breath.

We haven't been able to see Mike since May for his graduation and that has me very bummed.  We feel stuck.  We are trying to save money in case we can move home, but if we can't move home, I want to go see him.  Catch 22 because everything is up in the air still.  

On 2/6/18 Tim and I celebrated our 19th anniversary.  He sent me roses with lilies.  On the 10th, we went and saw a dinner theater, something we really enjoy doing.  This was called The Mein Shaft or something like that.  It was a lot of fun.  

Backing up, I accepted a position at Choctaw Nation Durant Regional Medical Clinic as a registration clerk.  At first it was daunting...I felt overwhelmed, but I LOVE IT.  I started there in early November and just passed my 3-month probation period.  We have a lot of laughs.

So...that's about my life in a nut shell now.  I work, come home and maybe work out, fix supper, do chores, take a shower and go to bed to do it all over again.  On the weekends, we work around the house/yard/garage, try to sort through more things to try and list to sell on E-Bay, go to church and start the week over again.  It seems the seasons of life go faster and faster the older I get.  Anywho...that's all.

Long Overdue!!

Okay, sooooo.....I haven't posted in months, mostly because I didn't really know how to put into words all of the conflicting emotions....sometimes it just feels too much to "go there."  But here goes.

We were so excited to go home and be with Michael for Christmas!  To actually spend Christmas with him...it's been too long.  I did, however, feel guilty for leaving Daddy alone at Christmas and was calling or texting him every day we were gone.  I had left him presents to unwrap on Christmas day.

We had booked a room to rent for the first few days as after that, Sara would be gone and we could then stay at Mike and Sara's and use their spare room.  The place we stayed was cozy and it was pretty cheap.  We enjoyed time with Michael, Sara, a few friends and of course Tim's family.  We did Christmas early for Sara as she was leaving to go to her family's place.  That was really special.  The other special thing that happened was that Michael actually went to Christmas Eve service with us at Covenant and he dressed up.  I knew he didn't want to, but he did it because I wanted him to.  That's really all I wanted so he did.  That made my heart smile so much.

We went to Rob and Christy's for Christmas lunch I think.  I don't remember exact days now.  Anyway, Christmas evening we were at Mike's watching TV and I happened to go in our room and check my phone.  I had a voicemail from Dad.  It broke my heart.  He was crying and asking if we could try and come home early.  I couldn't tell whether he was saying Ann's is dying or she died.  I had to go into the living room to have the guys turn the volume off.  I was trembling.  Hearing Daddy so heartbroken was terrible.  I called him right back and she had already passed.

I had talked to him that morning and he didn't mention anything about her not doing well or anything.  Throughout the day she started having BMs and vomiting.  Dad called the hospice nurse and Nita came out.  She was sort of throwing up really dark blood or ?  Nita at one point had talked to the doctor and a pharmacist was going to bring some medicine out for her, but by that time, the nurse knew it wasn't going to help.  The worst part for Dad is that she kept saying, "Help me. Help me."  She knew something was wrong, but there was really nothing they could do.  Nita stayed in there with Ann holding her hand and talking to her until Ann passed away.  She stayed here with Dad until after the coroner came and took her body.  We had booked a flight for early the next morning and we were back home by 1 p.m. 

It's been so hard seeing how brokenhearted Dad is.  Tim and I jumped in and took care a lot of the details for her memorial service.  Dad picked out her urn.  Tim did the memorial program and we had one of Dad's favorite pictures of her blown up into two large prints for the service which are now hanging in the living room and in dad's bedroom.  The family flew and drove in from all over.  The service was really nice and I wrote something to speak at it.  Dad was really pleased with how things turned out.  Still, it's his second spouse to lose.

Dad's been staying busy. He's still bowling 2x a week.  He's now going to the Wellness Center 2x a week and still going to his Choctaw seniors luncheon.  He's still going to church and is interested in getting back into his Disaster Relief work.  He's served at things for the seniors a few times and has done some singing with them at funerals and such.  Mostly he's been busy getting the trailer ready for a 6-week trip he's planning.  He's going to be going West to see relatives and friends, including Tony and meet his granddaughters, Jemma and Sadie.  He's looking forward to it.  It's part of his grieving/healing journey.

We've had Tim's birthday, but we've really tried to stick closer to home, trying to be available for Dad and not leave him alone too much.  We had our 18th anniversary.  Tim rented the cabin that we love in Shawnee and we went there for 2 days.  Valentine's Day came and went.  I don't really remember much about it.  We probably didn't do much lol.

The thing Tim wants me to write down is my birthday.  My 47th birthday was just 3/26.  It was a Sunday so we couldn't do anything that day, but Tim had bought a tent and some other camping gear and we went to Lake Texoma Friday and part of Saturday.  It was supposed to be good weather. Humph!  Thankfully we packed jackets and sweatshirts, etc.  Tim had bought an extra sleeping bag and had borrowed one from the church.  Thank goodness!!!

So we went out to Catfish Bay to a point.  We found a nice area and set up our tent.  Things are going great.  The tent went up quickly.  The air mattress filled up super quick.  This is good.  It's a little chilly but not bad.  Tim cooked up some hotdogs and chili and we had some chips, water and/or Dr. P.  We couldn't get the chili very hot but we didn't care.  We tried to fish a little bit until it got too dark.  We went into the tent and played some Uno.  It was fun.

It started getting a bit windier but we didn't think much about it.  We had put our food up in my car to keep critters away.  Tim practiced his message in the car while I tried to sleep.

Having to use the bathroom was an adventure.  It wasn't too far away but far enough.  Thank goodness Tim brought flashlights as there were no lights in there.  Going to the bathroom there was funny.  Tim said everything dropped into the pit of Hell LOL.  Sitting on the toilet with the wind blowing mysteriously across your bum was a bit unnerving.  HAHA.  Where was that coming from??? 

So we get back in the tent and try to sleep.  Mind you, it's our first time camping in 15 years.  Tim was on high alert with every sound he heard, which, with all of the wind blowing, there were a lot of sounds.  The ping, ping, ping, ping of the zippers clanking on the sleeping bag from the wind.  The trains that  went by all night.  The wind that sounded like we were in the midst of a tornado.  The geese that seemed to camp outside of our tent door in the wee morning hours.  The boats that were unloading into the lake very early for the fishing tournament we had no idea was going on.  In the midst of the very noisy, scary, windy night, the tent collapsed on my side.  Tim had to run out in his underwear to fix the tent while I'm inside holding it up.  The whole night was comical but we didn't get much sleep.  We did, at one point look out the tent door and look at how awesome the sky looked and all of the stars :-)  We serve such a majestic God!

We wake up fairly early (from said boats, geese, etc.) and Tim fixes us some eggs, sausage and toast.  It was wonderful.  The only problem we found was that in the middle of the night, a mouse who apparently lives in my car (again), found our bread and helped himself to several pieces.  Sooooo...I took those down to feed to the geese.  After breakfast we ended up taking a nap.  It was supposed to be warm by 10 I think with clear skies, but it was cold and cloudy and rained off and on.  I took my nap fully dressed WITH my heavy jacket on under the covers.  Tim woke up before I did.  I slept the sleep of the dead.  Since it was still cold when we woke up, we decided to just start cleaning up and go home.  By the time we finished cleaning and packing everything up, of course the skies cleared up and it warmed up...so we fished....or rather we attempted to feed the fish but they weren't having any of it.  So...we went home.  Hopefully we will attempt this again.  It was a new adventure to say the least.  I'm thankful to have had another birthday to spend with my love.

Thanksgiving

I was pretty proud of myself.  This Thanksgiving is the first since Amanda died that I did not cry.  I did tear up once, but I did not cry.  I cooked. We ate.  I kept a candle lit for her all day.  Michael went to Sara's parents' in Wilmington and they fixed a fully vegetarian Thanksgiving spread.  He said he envied our meat LOL but that everything turned out great!

For the first time in my life, I made cornbread stuffing from scratch (okay, minus the box mix I used for the actual cornbread).  It was excellent!!!  I usually skip the stuffing any time it's served, but I was really curious.  I had found the recipe on Pinterest and it sounded easy enough.  I added dried cranberries to it, lessened the amount of onion for Tim's sake, increased the celery.  It was so flipping good!  Since I'd used Jiffy brand cornbread mix, it had a sweetness to it that Dad didn't care for, but Tim said it was the best stuffing he'd ever had. Woot!  I know it was the best I'd ever had.  I sent over some of everything to Jack and Sheila.  Tim said Jack was excited because I'd made "pink stuff."  Tony even texted me the day before for the recipe for pink stuff.  That was Grandma Cox's thing she used to make so I've continued the tradition.

We received our things back from Pickles & Pottery.  They turned out so good!  Tim's was the Holy family and mine was an angel holding a heart that I put Amanda's initials in.  That got me in the mood to decorate and for the first time since Amanda died that I actually wanted to engage in all aspects of Christmas.  Thanksgiving day I had Tim put the tree together (not decorated, just up) while I cooked.  After lunch (and a nap) we decorated the tree and I did the house inside.  When I'd been cleaning out Dad's broken storage shed, I'd run across some ornaments/wreath that were keepers so yesterday Tim and I went out to the good shed and brought those out.  We decorated the outside of the house for the first time since living here.  It's cute.  The other night we went to Elements and painted a cute Christmas tree in a blizzard.  Those are hanging as well as the other Christmas pictures we've painted there.  I did get a little weepy when we were decorating the tree.  Sometimes it's just so hard thinking about her not being here, about our family not being all together.  I feel like whether we go home for holidays or stay here, I'm always letting someone down and I hate that.  Anyway, that is all :-)

Random musings

I don't know what to write, just that I feel the need to get my thoughts and feelings out.  The holidays are approaching again.  I feel the ever-present ache all the more as they approach.  I need to figure out if I will be fixing for Jack and Sheila, too, or if they have other plans. 

Tim had to go to Ada today for a pastor's thing so I got to sleep in.  I did some chores and then went to Jack and Sheila's to pick up some things to take to Goodwill for them.  I headed to Walmart after that and it was kinda nice just to wander the store, except for the reminders of Christmas everywhere.  I found a really cute owl ornament that I considered buying but put it back.  I'll probably go back and get it one day soon.  I was musing about how many owl ornaments we needed and that one day, we'd probably have a whole Christmas tree with nothing but owl ornaments.  I was looking, though, for a red bow and a red lightbulb to add to a little wooden deer that I found out in Dad's storage.  I stained him a few weeks ago and thought he could be cute with some added bling.  I found some cute rustic looking red bows (we'll use the rest for the tree) and some mini-light ornaments.  Again, I will use the rest for the tree.  I came home and superglued the bow and lightbulb and he's really cute.  I'm going to fill the box part of him with the scented pinecones.  He may be kinda hokey, but I liked him.  He kinda reminded me of me, in need of some TLC but overall good bones.

The holidays are still hard.  Not excruciating like they used to be, but they are definitely hard.  There's the reminder of the empty chair, the wonder of what she'd be like, what she'd want for Christmas, and always, always missing her so very much. 

We are facilitating GriefShare (almost done).  Soon we'll be having the Surviving the Holidays class.  It will be a good refresher for me.  I've just been feeling the sadness more in the last few days.  Tim got me out of the house yesterday and we went to paint at Pickles & Pottery in Sherman.  It was very relaxing and much needed.  Tim did a nativity scene with Mary, Joseph and Jesus and I did an angel holding a heart that I put Amanda's initials in.  I'm always trying to find ways to incorporate her into our life now.  It's not the same, but it makes me feel a tad better.  I really, really miss her.

I am looking forward to going home.  Mike is doing great in school and will graduate in the spring.  We'll go home for that, too, of course.  We'll be staying at a room we rented for a few days and then staying at Michael's the rest of the time.  I'm really looking forward to seeing him again.  It's been too long for this momma.  Tim and I have often talked about when/if we get to move back.  We're not really sure if we'll move back to the same area.  Somewhere in the vicinity of Michael, but not necessarily Greenville or even Winterville.  I just want to be able to see him frequently, be near to him where ever he is.

I am concerned about something, though.  My dad told me the other day that when he had X-Rays done at the VA that they saw a spot on his liver.  They're sending him back to Dr. Sturch (whom he sees Wednesday) to hopefully get a CT scan to figure out what it is.  That fills me with trepidation.  I'm praying it's nothing or at most fatty liver.

Amanda's 22nd birthday

Sometimes I feel like there is so much to say and I just get overwhelmed and say nothing.  At least that's how it's been lately.

For Amanda's 22nd birthday (3rd in Heaven), we chose to do Random Acts of Kindness again.  This world has gone crazy with hatred, racial division, etc., and I felt one thing we could do would be to spread love and kindness.

We had cards made up from Vista Print and mailed them out across the country to those who wanted to participate.  More participated without receiving cards, as well.  I had found these beautiful owl blank note cards online and ordered a bunch.  I sent the RAOK cards inside of those.

For us, we have been doing stuff all month basically, which I considered part of our RAOK.  We cut my aunt and uncle's grass, but then since Tim and I had cut dad's, Jack/Sheila's, I figured it would be nice to go cut Aunt Kay's grass, too.  When Tim was done with J/S's grass, he came over and we tag-teamed to finish Aunt Kay's.  It looked so good!

I've also started making dinner and desserts for Jack and Sheila.  I know they're struggling financially and this was just something I could do to help.  I do it most nights and this blesses me as much as it does them.  I love being able to help, especially knowing what a toll Jack's stroke has taken on them both.

I also, with the owl note cards, wrote about 15 notes of encouragement to folks.  Some were for people whose children went off to college.  Some were for those who've lost a loved one.  One was for appreciation to Dr. Gadberry.  Some were for people going through health issues.  Some were for students who had gone off to school.  Words of affirmation is one of my love languages, so this was a perfect fit for me to do.  I heard back from several people thanking me and telling me how much it meant to them, so that was great :-)

Tim and I thought and thought about what else to do.  We combined ideas.  I wanted to do "Free Hugs and Prayer" signs and stand somewhere where there'd be a lot of foot traffic and he suggested in front of the Wesley on the 24th (Saturday) as it was SE Homecoming game and there would be a larger than average amount of people there.  GREAT!  I knew I wanted an owl on the sign somewhere, so I looked up images and found a cute one to give him an idea.  He drew them up, I colored them in, and he added all of the artistic flair.  They were perfect!So there we were out front of the Wesley on that Saturday.  It was hot as heck and at first I was a little discouraged, but before we got there, I had prayed.  Just God, bring people and let this honor Amanda and glorify you.  I ended up getting to hug so many, including two members of the band as they marched by.  They wanted hugs so I ran out there and gave them hugs.  I had people stop in the middle of the street in their cars and grab a hug through the window.  I got a lot of "thumbs up."  I had people driving by on the little carts from SE jump off and give me a hug.  I got to tell why we were doing this.  Tim got to pray with several people.  I looked over to the SE police station and out front there was a Highway Patrol officer, Sheriff, Durant PD and SE PD officer.  I ran over and just gave them each a hug and thanked them for all they do (in light of all of the craziness in this world right now, people hating on our law enforcement officers all across the country, it was especially meaningful to me to do this).  All in all, it was a great day and I was so pleased doing this.

it's been a good while...

I really hadn't realized I hadn't posted in this long.  I just came off of a really ugly cry set off by the tiniest trigger....a date on a medicine bottle.  I'm sick.  I'm being treated for strep, but whatever this is, has moved into my chest now and I have a bad cough.  I was scrounging around for some cough syrup, having tried one the other day that didn't work well and saw another bottle tonight.  I was reading it over and saw the date, 12/13/13, and that's all it took for a flashback, us in the hospital praying for Amanda to be okay, Tim becoming sicker and sicker, her dying, Tim going to the doctor the 13th, thus the medications.  And so, it just hit, yet again, like a punch in the gut and I'm left reeling, again, thinking incredulously that I have to live the rest of my life without my daughter. How is that even possible?

Tim has started working again on Amanda's owl urn.  Before he was going to do the model in clay, but he needs an oven to work with it (different type, I guess) and so that wasn't going to work.  Now he has plaster and will carve it out to make the model and later do it in wood.  I had recently done some research as I didn't know what capacity the urn would need to be and found out that for every pound of body weight, it typically yields 1 cubic inch of cremains.  Having to even process through that whole thing makes me nauseous.  The process of what happened to my daughter's body after she died.  Having to figure out what size urn you will need for your child....not something any parent should ever have to think about, EVER. What makes her situation a little different in trying to figure the calculation is that while she was on life support, she was being pumped full of stuff to try and make her less acidic and with her kidneys not functioning properly, the fluids had nowhere to go, so she became very bloated.  I would think that that would burn off in the cremation process, but ???  And again, that is not something any parent should ever have to concern themselves with.

Another of our CSM "kids" got married yesterday.  I'm very happy for them, for the family. Time marches on and Amanda won't get her happily ever after here. Sometimes I feel so cheated, so robbed.  I hope and pray that Mike and Sara will one day get married at least and maybe (hopefully) make us grandparents someday, too.  I would be over the moon.

One thing that Tim and I did in June, which I am so excited about and proud of is we ran our FIRST EVER 5K.  Okay, so we didn't run the whole way, but I went into it with no expectations placed on myself other than to just finish.  I walked when I needed to and just did what was best for me.  Thankfully Tim didn't leave me in the dust; he stayed with me the whole time.  Diane Dixon ran with us and we just made sure to keep her in eyesight.  Sometimes we would pass her and then we'd walk and then she'd pass us.  I was so jazzed when we crossed the finish line.  We'd prepared and had bought protein shakes to chug afterwards to help our muscles rebound quicker with less adverse effects.  Come to find out that I placed 3rd in my age bracket!  What!?!  I was exhausted, elated, and couldn't wait to do another one.  I've just filled out the forms to participate in this program through the Choctaw that encourages healthy lifestyles.  Through that, as long as you run 2 5K's in 12 months, they will pay your registration fees.  Sweet deal.  I'm looking forward to the next one...now to just get over this sickness! 

Recently across the country, Medical Examiners have begun ruling deaths by heroin overdose as homicides instead of accidental overdoses.  I was afraid to hope.  Last week I took the chance and emailed the office of the Chief Medical Examiner in OKC to inquire about Amanda's case:

A

Amy Elliott

to me
4 days ago

Details

Ms. Ford, please accept my sympathies on the loss of your daughter.   Our office does not rule overdoses as homicides unless the decedent is injected by someone else and it is witnessed.   I have read your daughters case and don't see where anyone  injected her.   If you suspect someone may have injected her, you should contact law enforcement.   Our cases are always subject to change with new information.   My apologies, Amy

-----Original Message-----
From: Shelly Ford [mailto:sford2699@gmail.com]
Sent: Wednesday, May 25, 2016 12:50 PM
To: Amy Elliott
Subject: Message from Website: Website Inquiry

Your office performed my daughter's autopsy (Amanda Christine Garrett) in December 2013.  Her death was ruled an accidental overdose (heroin).  With medical examiners across the country now ruling deaths by heroin overdose as homicide, is there a way to have hers changed to reflect such?

Sincerely,
Shelly D. Ford

 I understood but was still crushed. Anyway, I had a mini meltdown yesterday afterwards. All of the whys...why did you leave me, Amanda? Why did you go over there when we begged you not to? WHY DOES HE GET TO CONTINUE ON WITH HIS LIFE, POTENTIALLY RUINING OTHERS', MAKING BABIES THAT HE DOESN'T CONTRIBUTE TO THEIR CARE, like nothing ever happened? Why does he get that opportunity to get his life together??? I was able to get myself together and realize that agonizing over these will not help me and I may never get answers...and even if I did, what would really change? I felt like I HAD to ask the ME....I still want justice for her, if some can be had, and felt that IF the cause of death could be changed to homicide, MAYBE then the police would have cause to go after him....

Two nights ago Tim got to have a wonderful dream/visit with Amanda:

My husband just had a dream about our daughter last night. He was so moved and excited. It was in the midst of this chaos and then she was there. He was so stunned to see her and didn't care about what else was going on around him. He just went to her and they hugged each other tightly for a really long time. He told her how much he loves her and misses her. He said she looked the age she was when she passed (he's had a couple of other dreams, but she was always younger). He said she had her hair done and she was dressed really nice. He was crying as he shared it with me. He was just so thankful to have gotten to see and hold her.

I'm so glad he had that dream. He's been longing to have one and he misses her so much. This life, being here without your child, is so hard. 

It's the little things that undo me

Friday, April 29th, we'd gotten up early to take Phillippe to the groomer. Poor thing looked like a homeless dog and I kept thinking that if Ann could see and know the condition he was in, she would never have stood for it. Anyway, we dropped him off, went and had breakfast together. Afterwards, we went by storage. I have been wanting to see if I had some smaller clothes in there since 99% of mine are too big now (PRAISE!!). Tim and I were looking through boxes for a little bit but he had to run by the Wesley for a minute and I continued looking through storage tubs. I was also on a mission trying to find the necklace Tim had bought Amanda so was going through her things.

One thing really kept going through my head and it was how incredibly sad it was that all we have left of our daughter, our treasure, the physical things we have left that were her treasures fit in the space of about 2-3 storage tubs. The hugeness of this person's life, condensed into something so small.  That was just so very sad to me. Of course those "things" don't begin to capture her value or importance, but they are the tangible evidence of a life lived, of passions and interests, of hurts, hopes, dreams, strengths and frailties.

That already had me bummed, but then I ran across the jar of blessings I'd started in 2013. I sat down on the asphalt and pulled out each slip of paper and read each one. Many had to do with Amanda and her accident, so thankful she was still there with us, thankful for Dr. Gadberry (or Dr. G. Biggles as she called him). I was thankful for being able the take care of her in her dependent state after the accident and just being able to love on her. And again, it was all terribly sad to me. I kept thinking it wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I wept bitterly sitting right there outside of our storage shed. I wept for her, for us, for the past, present and future here that we don't get with her. I know we get to see her again and that time is marching ever closer, but here in the now, it sure seems so long and very far off. 

A sweet dream and other things

It's been almost two months since I've written.  I've lost 45 pounds and am now 141.2.  That alone is remarkable and I thank God.  But that's really neither here no there.  Still, it does make me feel good.

In March we went home to NC for 8 days.  It was great to see Michael, Sara, family and very few friends.  We stayed again at Trudy's, went to Covenant and also to John and Linda's church.  My main focus is always to spend as much time with Michael as possible.  He still had work and school going on, as well as he and Sara's first anniversary.  They went to Wine and Design (I think it's called) and had a great time.  It always makes me a little sad that 99% of the people we considered friends there don't take 5 seconds to call or see us.  Not that we purposed to really develop our friendships with others when we lived there, so I'm sure that has something to do with it.  We know everyone's busy, but still it would be nice to feel like people gave two poops that we came home for a visit.

We did get to see Tim's friend, Brent Williams, who used to be Tim's roommate in college.  We saw Brian Taylor and Will at Evolve.  We did a Bible study with Trudy at her home with several others.  We got to see Zoe and Alice Gray for coffee and after hearing a specific need for Alice, two days later we stopped by her work to gift her with something.  It's what we are called to do, be the hands and feet of Christ, to meet needs when we can, to be the church.

One of the best days was when we had Michael all to ourselves.  Most of the time we saw Mike, he was with Sara, which was perfectly fine; it was just nice to get him alone one day.  We went pier fishing at Atlantic Beach.  It was a first for all of us.  It was a lot of fun.  We caught about 16 skates (stingray?), 1 baby sand shark, and 2 crabs, but 0 fish lol.  Either way, we enjoyed ourselves.  Afterwards we went to eat at The Crab's Claw restaurant that overlooked the water.  That was probably the most expensive meal we've eaten in a long time, but just to have that time with Mike and make memories, it was totally 100% worth it. 

I'm so proud of Michael, of the decisions he's making, of how well he's doing in school, his focus, his dedication and drive.  He and Sara are in a really good place and are actually moving in together very soon....sooner than they were planning on, but Mike's roommate, John Huffman, is not doing well (alcohol), lost his job and is moving back in with his parents, hopefully to get some help. So, with that happening by the end of April, Mike and Sara are moving in together sooner than anticipated.

It was great to go home, but honestly, even if the planets aligned perfectly for us to move back to Greenville/Winterville, I don't know that I would...I mean, I want to be close to Mike, so where ever he is, I want to be in close proximity, but with less and less people interested in even seeing us when we go back, it makes it less attractive.  We might even consider moving to New Bern..but really, it's kind of moot to think about it, considering.  Still, I cried when leaving because I never want to leave there to come back here.  It's like two separate worlds.

Fast forward...I've been having doubts about doing the book.  We went to a "Chili Cook-off" in Bullard, Texas, that was supposedly going to be this big shindig...HA!  What a waste of time!  I sold two books and the chili contestants ran out of chili by 1 o'clock and it was supposed to run until 4.  We packed up and came home early.  I've told God that whatever He wants to do with it, I will do.  It's His deal.  If he closes the door, that's fine.  If he opens another one, that's fine.  If He continues the course, that's fine.  Nevertheless, I've been a bit down about it all.

Last night I dreamt about Amanda.  She was approximately 6-7 and was with a group of girls in I guess a dance competition.  I was standing on the sidelines watching, about 4 rows back.  Afterwards, everyone was hugging all of the dancers congratulating them, etc., but Amanda kept her eyes on me and intently made her way back to me.  We hugged for the longest time and it felt so, so good just to hold my baby girl again.  I never wanted to let her go.  Unfortunately, my stupid dog woke me up and try as I may, I could not go back into that dream.  I was so upset.  All I wanted to do was hold her some more and never let her go.  It is truly a gift when she visits me in my dreams and I get to hold her.  Afterwards, though, it's so hard.  There's such a deep longing.  An ache that can't be quenched...at least in this life.  I miss my baby girl so much.  Things weren't perfect when she was here.  We were both stubborn and both hurt, walls were up and we had tempers and would sometimes hit below the belt with our words.  We had this pattern of hurt on both sides so oftentimes just anticipated the worst from the other towards each other.  We would oftentimes react defensively instead of seeking to understand and look to the heart of what the other meant versus what they said/did.  I have so many regrets, but I know that she loved me and I loved her...I LOVE her (present tense).

The rest of today I've just been on the verge of tears, sometimes actively crying.  I just miss her.  I'm thankful for the times she comes to visit me in my dreams because even if I just get to hold her for a minute, I still get to hold her, and even though my heart aches in ways most people thankfully will never understand, at least I had some time with her.  She was here.

I've been watching a show lately called Long Lost Family.  It's about adoptees searching for birth families and vice versa.  It really hit home with the first episode.  I really couldn't tell you the story, but it made me think about Amanda anyway, how I was initially going to give her up for adoption, how she went home for a day and a half with her adoptive parents/brother and I got her back.  I have never regretted getting her back.  I wanted her.  I love her.  Still, with the way things turned out, it makes me wonder if I did the right thing.  Maybe she would've had a better life if I'd let her go.  Maybe she wouldn't have gotten involved with the same type of folks as she did.  Maybe she could've gotten the best help for her bipolar, if she'd even struggled with it...after all I still wonder if maybe all of her issues, her depression, her feelings of abandonment, etc., were from her discovering she was going to be adopted in the first place...was ALL of this my fault?  I just don't know, and I never will know.  I do know that I loved my daughter with every fiber of my being.  I wanted the best for her and would've done everything in my power to help her.  My baby girl...forever.

Been a bit weepy..

I don't really know where to begin.  I don't really know the reason I've been weepier (is that a word??), just that I have been.  I always miss our girl, but it's been building in me, this ache, without release.

I periodically check in on Erica H. - just creeping on her FB really, and saw she'd updated her profile picture: 

She looks good, right?  Clear eyes, face no longer sunken in...she looks healthy and clean.  And I'm happy for her. I'm proud of the progress she's made and is making, and then those voices start...Why her? Why does she get that chance?  Why not Amanda? I hate those questions.  They are for naught, but still my heart hurts  because I guess when it comes down to it, I still want to know the answer to them. I know it's just from my pain.

Yesterday Tim and I went fishing at Lake Texoma.  That was the first time we'd been there since doing the balloon release for Amanda's 21st birthday in September.  I was sitting there and rubbed my thumb on the inside of my arm near my wrist and noted that the skin was really soft.  That's all it took for a big ugly meltdown to happen.  My brain automatically jumped to when Amanda was in the hospital. I was holding her hands, rubbing my thumb over the top of her hand and noting how soft her skin was and just wanting her to wake up.  Sitting there at the lake, with the sun shining down and the wind lightly blowing and I wasn't there at all.  The tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was just so sorry.

Tim scooted over to me and we sat there and cried.  I still feel so guilty. I am guilty.  I made us move here and it cost us Amanda. I. MADE. us. move. here.  For what?  Because still, after 46 years, I'm still trying to gain my dad's approval, because I've never felt "enough."  Like I have always felt he would've been happier if I'd been a boy, that he doesn't really know how to relate to me and that I constantly need to prove my value. For this reason, I feel compelled to honor what I told him all those years ago, to be there for him whenever he needed me.  But what about MY family?  Did God not give me the gift of MY CHILDREN??  Weren't THEY supposed to be my top priority?  But no, I stomp my foot and basically demand that we move to the armpit that is Oklahoma.  Amanda didn't want to go.  If we hadn't moved, I feel that Amanda would still be with us.  Why didn't I just put off the move until Amanda got through cosmetology school???  Why??  If we had stayed, she could've gotten into which ever school, Alexander Paul or even Miller-Motte...she would've had that base under her and been able to stay.  Her dying is MY fault.  I know people would try to talk me out of those feelings, but they ARE my feelings and I've been carrying them around with me every single day for the past 2 years, 2 months and 9 days.

I'm so very sorry, Amanda.  You said this place was going to kill you.  I thought you were just being melodramatic. You hated it here. Hell, I hate it here.  I had a responsibility to you and my selfishness, my "need for acceptance" by my dad, cost you your life.  And I STILL don't feel accepted, ain't that the kicker?!  Moving us here, I singlehandedly ripped our family apart.  Yay me...

Today Tim and I were in the sunroom and I had yet another meltdown over the stupidest thing.  I was going through my sock/underwear drawer and since losing weight, I have all of these underwear that are too big for me.  I need to throw them away and you know what?  I felt almost like I was betraying Amanda to throw them away!  What??  Like in my head, I know that's ridiculous.  They are underwear for crying out loud. Underwear!  But guess what?  Amanda would borrow them sometimes when she would run out.  They were underwear I wore when she was alive. She was still here.  And to throw them out "feels" like I'm throwing "her" away, moving further away from her, which I am, but I'm also moving closer to her.  Sigh.  Underwear...I had a meltdown over underwear.  That's how twisted this grief journey can be.  Don't want to use the last of the shampoo she had in her apartment, or don't want to throw away makeup that was hers, even if I can't use it...it was hers...she used it, she touched it, it's proof that she was here and I look around and need all of the proof of her existence as I can as time keeps marching on and my heart needs tangible evidence that demonstrates her presence.

Speaking of presence...Tim and I were in the kitchen today.  I was preparing the veggies for a soup and he was next to me.  Suddenly the fan for the range hood came on.  Just like that.  Poof.  He and I looked at each other and asked if the other had done it.  I was busy chopping veggies and had no reason to have turned it on yet.  I just say it's Amanda letting me know she's here.  What I wouldn't give to feel her arms around me, to hear her voice telling me she forgives me, that she loves me, though I know she does love me.  I can't wait to see you, Sugarbear...this waiting is so long.

It's been a while...

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted...I just haven't felt up to it.  Tim and I had the best time at the cabin in Shawnee.  It was so special.  There were two owls in the decor...they had the cabin decorated for Christmas with a tree and everything.  It was absolutely perfect!  We saw the most stunning sunset as we were driving into the cabin the first night.  The cabin wasn't too "fru-fru," but it was cozy and just what we needed it to be.  We had brought the owl candle holder I'd painted as well as the owl salt/pepper shakers and set them up in front of the fireplace on one of the bar stools.  We went to dinner at a Japanese steakhouse, went to the zoo, went to dinner in OKC at KD's, watched movies and just quietly remembered our girl.  It was perfect...for being what we were there for.  We were just trying to celebrate life, her life and the life we still have to live but without her with us.  Of course there were times of tears.  We just miss her so very much.  It's so surreal to have to mark milestones because she's not here.  Grief has its own milestones...holidays without her, vacations without her, last time you saw her, birthdays, anniversary dates, etc. etc. She is frozen in time and it's so hard to try to imagine what she'd be like now...would she have continued down that path?  Would she have finally gotten help or embraced growing up and met the challenge?  We will never know.  All I do know is that she's in a far better place than she ever could have been here whether she lived or not.

Christmas was different.  I mean, we were here, so that was hard not being with Michael.  But in its own way, it was good to be here with Daddy for a change at Christmas.  We had made him a photo collage book of he and Ann's times/travels together.  We also bought him a turquoise/nickel bolo tie.  He loved both but cried, of course, over the book.  He'll be able to use that at her funeral, which was part of why we made the book.  I cooked a small Christmas meal but didn't overdo it.  I wore Amanda's knee-high socks that day to "have her with me."  Tim had gotten a bigger TV for us for Christmas for the living room as he was moving the other TV to the sunroom.  We also bought us an elliptical, which didn't get delivered for several weeks after.  I'd gotten him a soundbar for the TV in the living room.  He'd also gotten two picture frames that are made to look like window frames with four panes each and put pictures from our trip to the Shawnee cabin in them.  He also got me an owl necklace and another picture frame that said, "To have somewhere to go is Home.  To have someone to love is Family.  Both are a blessing."  Inside is a picture he took of us at the cabin.  It all was so special and made me cry.

Michael is doing well.  He's started back for another semester in college.  He was reinstated with financial aid and that came through prior to his enrolling so all of his classes and books were covered.  Thank God!  We've made plans to go see him March 13-19.  I'm so excited to see him!!

One day maybe two weeks ago (?) Tim and I were coming home on Cox Lane and saw a big owl fly overhead and land in a tree up ahead on the left.  We stopped the car and just watched it watching us.  We just stared and watched it for a while.  I guess it got tired of our gawking and flew to the right to land in a tree by Martha Kay's.  We pulled up a little more and sat and watched it.  Finally, we just drove on home.  It was really cool to see and Tim cried a little....just missing our girl.

For Tim's 42nd birthday (Jan. 9), I'd bought tickets for us to go see the Oklahoma City Thunder.  The game wasn't until the 15th, against the Timberwolves.  Our seats were surprisingly pretty good.  Could've been a little lower, but really the view was great.  We stayed the night at the Crowne Plaza hotel and it was great to just get away.  We ate at Dave and Buster's prior to the game.  It was actually fairly disappointing (the food not the basketball game).  OKC won the game.  It was wonderful to get a full night's sleep without animals crawling all over us and clamoring for our attention!

This morning Tim sent me a picture of an owl he saw when he was driving down Banty Road.  This big beautiful barn owl just sitting on a fence post...you don't usually see them during the day but there it was!

 

Yesterday very early morning (3:11) we were awoke by the phone.  Aunt Sheila was calling and needed help.  Uncle Jack had fallen and she thought he had a stroke.  She hadn't called 911 yet, though, so I told her to hang up with me and call them and we'd be over.  Sure enough, he was in his back bedroom on the floor on his side.  The way the bedroom was set up, it was difficult to maneuver him.  He couldn't help any.  We had to sort of roll him over and try to get him sat up as best we could.  We tried to prop him against the bed until the EMTs arrived.  They finally got there and it was difficult for them to get him up and onto the gurney.  Then for some reason they had to meet Durant EMS and transfer him to another ambulance.  Aunt Sheila was with me and Tim followed.  Long story short, Durant hospital wasn't equipped to handle his neurologic needs and he was transferred to TMC in Denison.  He's had multiple CT scans, an MRI, speech pathology and physical therapy.  When we first got to him, he could barely speak..he tried, but it was difficult to understand him.  It had affected his whole left side.  He couldn't see out of his left eye.  He couldn't move his left arm or leg.  By the time he left the Durant hospital to be transferred, he could move his arm and leg but still could not grip with his left hand.  His speech is somewhat improved.  I'm sure with speech therapy and physical therapy we will see some improvements.  It breaks my heart.  Uncle Jack is the sweetest man and always a doer!!  He still kept his sense of humor, though, and said he was too young for a stroke!  He JUST retired Jan. 1!!  When I took Aunt Sheila to TMC as Jack was being transferred, I met Jodie (their daughter) and her husband Jeremy.  I haven't seen Jodie for years...probably since Grandpa's funeral.  Sheila had had me call Jodie to let her know when we were at the Durant hospital and when we were at TMC, she had me call Jack's son, Garth.  After I went in and saw Uncle Jack and visited with Sheila, Tim and I went ahead and went home since Jodie could take care of her mom.  I got everyone's phone numbers and gave them mine. They've been keeping me updated.  I'm going to go see him tomorrow after I get done serving lunch.  I will bring snacks for them if they would like some and hopefully give them a break so they can get outside of the hospital for some fresh air and maybe they can go back to Jodie's to get some real rest.  I just want to be available to them as much as possible without overstepping my bounds.

They got the results back from the MRI that was done this morning.  He actually had a large stroke in the right frontal brain and a smaller one in the back right brain.  The doctor was surprised he's doing as well as he is.  Physical therapy had him up taking a few steps today and his throat was scoped, dad said, and he's able to eat regular food now.  Initially he couldn't swallow water but could drink thicker liquids and very soft foods.  Praise God for progress!

That's about it and it's past my bedtime. 

Holidays

I haven't written in a bit...I just haven't wanted to. The holidays have me reminiscing about Amanda and it all seems wrong without her here.

I cooked a very minimal Thanksgiving dinner. I played Adele while I was cooking to include Amanda.  It was okay. We watched a movie with Dad while we ate.  I also purchased Christmas cards and, with Tim's help, got those filled out and sent.

On November 30 we received the T-shirt quilt that we had made of Amanda's T-shirts.  It is BEAUTIFUL.  Such a special thing to have. I'm sort of paranoid of it getting messed up, though.  It's a queen size and we had bought owl flannel sheets to be the backing of it.  We have the T-shirt side down as, with the animals, I don't want it messed up.  It's like snuggling up with her...sort of.

I did do my baking for Michael.  I made him chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, snickerdoodles, oatmeal raisin cookies, turtles and fudge.  I shipped that out November 30 also, priority mail...supposed to be there BY the 3rd...oh no...he got it on the 7th.  I was not a happy camper, but at least he got it.  He was funny. He texted me the next day and said someone needed to take the bag of turtles away from him because he kept eating them. :-)

I organized a group of us from youth (adults only) to go to Elements and paint.  It was so much fun!  I really needed it. The wine helped haha.  Tim made his look like an elf and mine...well, it's supposed to be Santa.  We laughed and carried on.  It was a really fun night and I needed to cut loose so much.  The pressure and stress of missing Amanda is so heavy.  I've been snapping at everything.  I've been drinking a little more (which is to say I very, very rarely drink at all, and I bought a bottle of mudslides and a bottle of wine at Thanksgiving and I still have some of both left).  Because we had so much fun, I organized for us to have (with kids) a gingerbread house and/or cookie decorating get-together at the Wesley.  We (generalized) always talk about getting together with people and it's always sort of put off for "we should" or "sometime" and never actually do it.  Tim and I are such hermits and it's good for us to get together with friends.  That will be happening on the 18th at 6 p.m.

We had the Wesley Christmas party/dinner this last Sunday night. I was supposed to make the ham and spinach dip but ended up making the deviled eggs and mashed potatoes, too.  They did a talent show which was funny.  Tim participated in that, two different skits.  I knew they were practicing for something for a few weeks, but I hadn't seen it.  It was cute.

All of this is good and fine and all of that, but honestly, I feel like a fraud.  Even with my book and all of that, I guess it gives the illusion that I'm dealing with things fine, and who knows, maybe in the grand scheme of things and the magnitude of my loss, I am, but it doesn't feel like it.  I guess it really just hits me even harder at the holidays.  I had a hissy fit the other night, well, Sunday afternoon.  At times I feel like all of this helping with this and helping with that are just too much and even though Tim says I don't have to, I know that he kind of does expect it, so I do it, and feel like I constantly have to stuff my own needs into a corner.  I don't know. Maybe doing this stuff is better for me than hiding in my room.

The book is selling very slowly.  I got my first "royalty check."  A big whopping $14 and some change.  We haven't even broken even yet to start sending money to New Life House.  Sigh.  No festivals in the near future to try and sell at.  No new radio or TV appearances to promote it.  It's frustrating.

I guess I'd better get back to work.  I've been struggling with that, too.  I can't seem to stay focused.  I'm easily distracted...Case in point, I'm writing my blog when I should be working.  Tim and I booked a cabin in Shawnee that we are going to tomorrow and coming back on the 12th to be there during the anniversary of Amanda's death.  I'm glad we will just have some time alone.  I miss Amanda so very much.  I know she's better, I just miss her.  Can't even go home to see Michael for Christmas, but that was worth it because we were able to keep him in school this semester.  He just passed the first part of his certification exam for his degree.  I'm really proud of him!!!  He's working so hard, full-time as the kitchen manager at Crave and taking care of his school in addition to his relationship with Sara.  I'm really happy for him and the direction his life is heading.

Back to work.

Local Author Shares Touching Story Behind Her New Book - KTEN.com - No One Gets You Closer

Local Author Shares Touching Story Behind Her New Book - KTEN.com - No One Gets You Closer

Busyness and grumpy

So much has been going on that I haven't felt like I've had the time to even post. I've sold several books. I went to Jen's church in Calera last Sunday (November 1) to be part of the service. She was talking about life after death and after reading my book, she knew I'd had several experiences with Amanda and even prior, with my mom, so she had me sit up front with her and she asked me questions.  Tim went with me and videotaped it.  I think I did pretty well.  Then the next day I had a television interview with KXII. That was VERY brief.  Tim went with me to support me with that, too.  Aaron Bucy was there. Everything seemed to go fairly well until the cameraman distracted me and right then they asked me where people could find the book, and I froze. Thank goodness the camera wasn't on me at that time, but it was obvious that my mind had gone blank....sigh.  Lesson learned.  I have another interview on Friday with KTEN and this time I'm going to bring a note card with the websites where people can purchase the book!  Tuesday we have a student coming over from Southeastern to interview us for the college newspaper.  It's not like the main newspaper for town, but at least it's exposure.

We were SUPPOSED to go to Bullard, Texas on Friday for the Red, White & Blue Festival where Aaron was going to be there with myself and two other authors. I had purchased 50 books to have available for sale. Tim and I were so excited...we were finally going to get away, even if it was just overnight.  So, we're on our way there, in Anna, Texas, and I saw I had a text from Aaron....the event was canceled....flooding overnight caused the place to be too wet.  So, we had to cancel our hotel reservations and instead we went to Sherman for me to renew my glasses.

God protected us, though, in us not going to Bullard.  Saturday when I went to start my car, my check engine light and traction light came on and stayed on.  Also, my cruise control light was blinking at me when I tried to turn it on and set it.  Sooooo, I followed Tim in his truck and we dropped my car off in Sherman at the Toyota place to be worked on.  I'd rather have that happen when we were at home than 4 hours away. God knew it was going to happen!

Friday before we headed out of town, though, we stopped and ate brunch at IHOP.  A song came on and I just busted out crying!  This song, "Say Something," is one I associate with Amanda being nonresponsive in the hospital. There's this one part that says, "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." and it tears me up.  Not that I knew she was dying or where she was to be able to get to her, but it's a momma's heart to always want to protect their children, and I wasn't able to protect her, to save her. Anyway, it sort of caught me off-guard me having that reaction...was like a punch in the gut.  I just sat there crying in the middle of IHOP.  I've been more aware lately anyways with the holidays approaching that it's almost been two years since Amanda died and so I've been more emotional.

I've also been more stressed about living here, not in Oklahoma, per se, but that Tim and I have no privacy, no "our space," nothing that's really ours.  I hate how junky this house is, how junky it stays. I hate the clutter. I don't like how tiny our room is and I'm just picking at stuff. It's probably just because of my nerves being more frayed lately, but it's just really getting old. I miss Tim and I having our space, our being able to have down time the way/when we want to without being on anyone else's scheduled.  For instance, and this really annoyed me today, Dad informed me that Ann's brother is coming for a visit tomorrow...I'm SUPPOSED to be working tomorrow...I know it's good her brother wants to see her and all that, but it's like there is no consideration, zero, to my obligation to be working.  I felt like if someone is supposed to come visit, HE should stay home instead of going bowling so that HE can visit with them or whatever needed to be done instead of him going bowling and me having my work interrupted AGAIN, as if it isn't all day every Monday and Wednesday with the dogs, the cats, the nurses, etc. I don't have an office space or room that I could close off...I'm right in the flipping dining/living room. Sigh...I feel taken for granted, like my time is not valued the same as others'.  I need some space. I need some peace. I was so looking forward to having that, even temporarily with the hotel night away...

Emotional

I've been a bit emotional the last few days.  I can't totally put my finger on it.  It's been cumulative of several small things....the seasons changing, I've hurt my left foot and right knee attempting to jog and so I'm out of doing that for a while (I think I actually have "duck feet" so that may be why - I had to wear braces on my feet/legs as a child and maybe they didn't work??...we got a new dog (Jax) and it made me sad that as big of a lover of animals Amanda was, she wasn't here to meet him/love on him...my book is I guess selling okay...I want it to do well as I want it to help others, but at the same time it's hard to think about it as the only reason there IS a book is because our baby girl is in Heaven....then last night I heard back after several months from a lady I'd asked about making a T-shirt quilt for me from Amanda's T-shirts.  I took those out of Tim's dresser where they've been for months.  I've wanted to get this done and yet, as silly as it may seem to some, the thought of those shirts being cut up for any reason upsets me.  One more tangible thing that was Amanda's and I'm letting them go, even if it's to turn them into something wonderful in her memory.  I never would have worn them, but still it was hard to part with them.  I did take pictures of all of them last night and met with her today.  For the back, I need to look for a queen-size sheet with owls on it, sort of whimsical, if I can find one Tim and I agree on.

Aaron Bucy contacted me tonight...my book is ready in paperback for sale.  I will receive two free ones based on our contract and we ordered 18 more.  One I know I'll give to Michael, Linda, and Ms. Trudy.  Several others want to buy one.  Anyway, it's exciting and saddening at the same time.  Aaron is going to contact a news station for them to interview me.

I guess that's it...shed some tears today.  I also cried when I had to throw away one of the candles at the Wesley that were ones we'd bought for Amanda for her apartment....made me sad...another thing gone.

Amanda's 21st birthday, Sunday, September 27, 2015.

It really was a beautiful day.  I  had been in a bit of a funk (not too terrible) a few days before, but that's normal.  Saturday I stayed in bed quite a bit, just sad.

Sunday had a beautiful blue sky dotted with clouds and a slight breeze.  We had bought a helium tank that included ribbon and some extra balloons so that we didn't have to purchase any more.  After church we went to McDonald's, in honor of Amanda, and shared some chicken McNuggets (her favorite).  Afterward, we drove out to Lake Texoma.

When we got there, Tim and I tag-teamed, as usual. I was cutting the ribbons and holding the balloons together as he got them ready, blowing them up, tying them, and the ribbon.  It was HOT, and I laughed that Amanda would be griping that it was too hot out.  At first there didn't seem to be a breeze, but as we were getting closer to releasing, a gentle breeze began.

When they were all assembled, with the big owl in the center that said "Who Loves You Baby?" we sang happy birthday to her (recorded this), and released the balloons.  It was pretty emotional but we did pretty well.

The funny part came when as the balloons were ascending, the owl balloon, which was tied by a toe, didn't ascend ahead of the others despite there being more helium in that one and being the biggest. Instead, it was at the bottom of the bunch, upside down, looking like it was being dragged by his toe.  That made me laugh.  Wasn't quite how it was supposed to work out, but that's ok.  I'm sure if God gave Amanda a window, she would have laughed about it, too.

We watched until they were essentially out of sight and then left.  I went back to the Wesley after dropping Tim off at church.  I took a nap, but before I could, all of these memories of birthday parties for Amanda started flooding my mind. I remembered writing on her birthday cakes, decorating the trailer while she napped or was out playing so I could surprise her.  Those memories were beautiful and yet also brought tears to my eyes.  My sweet baby girl.

I was sort of on edge all day...little things were quick to get on my nerves. I knew it was because of the day.  I still was able to do youth and Jody made her best effort to get me out of my funk.

We've started doing Couch 2 5k a week ago today.  I've seen slight improvements but am not beating myself up about my slow progress, either.  At least I'm moving and it's helping me to feel better that I'm doing something positive along with changing my eating habits to take care of me.

I finished editing my book on the 27th, appropriate that it's about grieving Amanda's loss and it's complete on her birthday. We'll see what happens with it. I sent it to the publisher/Aaron Bucy.  It's in God's hands. I just want others to get something positive out of it, mostly hope.

Big Changes

So....I've been helping Tim with youth this semester. To be honest, I really didn't want to. I wanted to pull away some...But God had other plans for me and I'm so glad He did!

For the last almost 3 years of helping with youth, I've felt a lot of pressure in being a leader, whether that was self-induced pressure or not.  This year, though, we have a lot of help!  I'm in a group of leaders for the junior high girls, which is different for me (I have traditionally done senior high girls). I have Shelby, Jody, and Jean with me, so I don't feel so much of the pressure to do it all of have all of the answers or have it all together. It's been FANTASTIC!  Not only are we our own accountability group, but the strengths each one brings complements another's.

Tim has been challenging us (the youth and leaders) lately to make being with God a habit that we pursue. This really spoke to me in that we are only as close to God as we want to be.  Convicted!  I've been the worst about picking up my Bible to take it to church and not picking it up again until the next Sunday.  I really wanted to take this seriously....to purpose to draw closer to God and not solely in prayer. I needed to get into His word.  I downloaded the First 5 app from Proverbs 31 Ministries, whose purpose is for us to give God our first moments of the day through a quick devotional and Scripture reading.  It asks questions at the end to ponder, etc.  I also downloaded the You Version Bible Study app and have started 3 Bible studies in that.  This time with God has been transformative!!  Just starting my day out with time with God in His word has filled my soul with peace that covers me all day.  Not only that, but there was one scripture that really hit home with me, Genesis 7:5, "And Noah was obedient with all God commanded him."  ALL, that's the word that got me. He didn't just pick or choose the easy parts or the fun parts, or what he felt like at a given time. ALL.  This also convicted me.

I knew for a while that God's been wanting me to do my part to reconcile with Michelle W. but I'd been stomping my foot at him telling him No. I didn't want to. I felt "justified" in my feelings.  As part of one of my devotionals, also, I'd come across a story that made me think...it was about how we often only want to be used by God in the way WE want to, not necessarily in the way God wants to use us.  I realized I was guilty of that at times and began to pray. I wanted God to be able to use me in any way He saw fit, even in the hard stuff.  Well....later that day God gave me a chance to put that to the test and it involved Michelle.  My initial response was the foot stomping NO!  Immediately, the Holy Spirit whispers to me, "Oh?  Didn't you just pray earlier for me to use you even in the hard things?  Really meant that, huh?!"  UGH!  Head hanging low...yes, God, you're right. I will be obedient (through gritted teeth).  I told God, you know I don't want to do this, but I WANT to want to do this, so if you can take that and do something with it....of course He can!  So...I let Tim know my encounter with God and he'd come to the same conclusion I had. We needed to not be hardhearted about this situation. 

But God wasn't done with me yet about this. See it wasn't enough to repent of my hardened heart, I had to do something about it to attempt to reconcile. So...being the coward I am, I apologized to her...via text. Yeah, I know, lame, but I really am still not ready to talk to her.  I apologized for having hardened my heart towards her and for any pain I caused her. She never responded, but that's not MY business; that is between she and God.  So, that was huge for me.

THEN, Jody from youth also had invited me to her Sunday school the other day after church so I went with her. That was also a big deal for me. I'm always so worried no one is going to like me so shy away, but since she was there, I felt more confident. It was a GREAT Sunday school class. I knew several in there and even went back the next week.  That week in class, God also got to work on me.  God brought to mind all of the ways/occasions people from our church have blessed us since we got there and I was convicted again!!  All of those people doing all of these wonderful things for us, welcoming us, and what have I done? Basically spat in their face with my attitude, how I'd hardened my heart about even being here. Oh the people I know I've hurt with my words/attitudes/actions!  I felt so ashamed.  It was like God has removed the scales from my eyes to see all of the good things that we DO have here, the wonderful people and the blessings we've been given and I've been so blind to them. It's like I didn't want to even acknowledge them. I was so dead set that "I'm not staying here" that I refused to get close to anyone or see the good that was here around us.  I once was blind but now I see....Again, I had to bow my head and pray, asking for forgiveness for my hardened heart.  Whatever you need of me, Lord....if this is where you want to use us, your will be done. I will do whatever you want.

I can't tell you how light I've felt in my spirit since all of this has taken place!!  I honestly feel like I'm coming back to life.  The depression that has been a weight around my neck is lifting...that's NOT to say that I miss or love Amanda any less...but it's okay for me to live...to really live!  I know Amanda would want no less for me.

Thank you, God, for all of the work you are doing and have yet to do in me to make me more like you!  Thank you for the nudging of the Holy Spirit. I want to be obedient to you in all things, in all ways, at all times. Forgive me when I fail. Thank you for your Word and the privilege to spend time with you! Thank you for being my shelter in the storm and my light, even when I couldn't see that you were there. Thank you for never, ever leaving me.  Amen