Too much in my brain...

I should have written sooner before I had so much in my brain that it will come out a jumbled mess, and I'm afraid that's what this will be.

We heard from the PI on October 6, I believe, that they had found an EYE WITNESS that had seen Amanda up walking around October 11, 2013, between 7:30 and 7:45 a.m.  The detective said they are positive it was my Amanda they saw, and that he deems them a very credible witness.  This was huge and mind-blowing. For one, we had assumed, based on her core body temperature and acidity, that her heart had to have stopped around midnight to 1 a.m. The longer the heart had not been pumping blood, the more acid would have built up in her system. So that seemed a good assumption. BUT, if she was alive around 7:30 a.m., even to 7:45 a.m. and then Ryan called 911 around 8:30, (A), what happened in that time interval?  (B) obviously her heart hadn't been stopped THAT long to account for the acid level being so high, (C) that explains why EMS said she was still "warm," and (D) that DOESN'T explain why her core body temp was as it was.  This had me broken all over again. All I kept thinking was what did that bastard do to her? (excuse my language; I really have a hard time thinking kind thoughts when it comes to someone having hurt my child).  All I could do was sob and sob for her, for me, for us, for not knowing. 

On Friday the PI, Aaron, had said he was going to go try and question Erica and see what she might tell him. She and Ryan are apparently in a custody battle now for their son, so I was hopeful that IF Ryan had told her anything about what happened that day, and I can't see that he didn't, she might be more willing to spill the beans on him to try and remove him from the equation of the custody situation. Nothing had come back under Amanda's fingernails as far as DNA goes. The syringes only showed heroin in the needles and no DNA, and they weren't able to get any fingerprints on the syringes either. Aaron said if he couldn't at first get Erica to talk to him, he would try her attorney for the custody dispute and see if he/she could get Erica to talk to him. He was going to try and talk to Erica's mom, too, to see if she had told her anything. I was so hopeful.

He said Erica at first tried to give the same song and dance about what happened that night as what she'd told Laxton, but when Aaron confronted her with things he KNEW had happened and when, she changed her tune and filled in a lot of blanks and answered questions that they still had about some things.  The one thing she didn't provide, is what, if anything, Ryan told her about what happened that morning. So, while it was fruitful, it wasn't what I really needed/wanted to have come from that. Aaron said he has a very good idea and a very strong timeline of what happened except for about the critical 30-45 minutes.  I was crushed.  Aaron feels he should have this wrapped up in the next few weeks.

I asked him if it was his inclination that this was something criminal or just something she did, a bad decision, and he said probably both. He said he feels Amanda was a willing participant, and I don't doubt that. BUT he said that he does NOT feel Amanda was dosing her own heroin (and even by Erica's interview, Ryan was extremely controlling of the heroin and would hide it,  constantly moving it around and not tell her where it was). He feels that if it can be proven or if Erica would ever say that Ryan told her he gave it to her, Ryan could be on the hook for manslaughter or criminally negligent homicide, even if it was an accident, but none of that will come to be unless Erica talks.

Another thing that has been eating at me is Tim's schedule. I KNOW what he's doing are good things, it's Kingdom work, and it's God work. I know this. He's so flipping busy I feel like a side note and I HAVE to work with him in the various activities just to see him. He's part-time at both places BUT it's definitely NOT part time either place. Then even when he's "off," someone is calling him about work, or someone needs counseling, or there's some book he has to be reading to prepare for the next meeting, or there's the next meeting to be prepping for, or the next tailgating on a Saturday (also a day off), or the next message to be practicing or doing research for, etc. etc. And I feel like such a heel. I just miss him having ONE job and having time off that really felt like time off, not just time to prepare for the next thing on the list. If you looked at his calendar, it's amazing he doesn't have to schedule bathroom breaks, for real!  All of his busyness, even with good things, makes me resentful sometimes. I miss my husband. I miss us having OUR time and OUR space and not feeling like I have to share him with 50,000 people daily.  Also, I've been wanting to go into storage to start looking for pictures to finally start putting together our picture frame we'd bought before Amanda died. I truly thought I was going to have to go there alone and do that by myself and that made me angry. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE!  And that's the main feeling of his busyness for me, I feel alone.  He must have heard me talking today to my friend Jean about how I was feeling and that I was going to go to storage today while he went to his meeting, because he offered to go with me for a little bit, which he did.  Jean had offered to go with me for support if I needed/wanted company. I told her I really wasn't sure how I was going to feel when I got there. She told me to just call her if I needed her.

Which leads to my next thing.  Going into storage is excruciating. It's a big neon sign in the face that screams SHE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE!  I finally went through her clothes that were in her hamper. Some of her shirts still had a lot of her hair on them.  I was throwing some things out (underwear, bras), and setting aside some of her T-shirts to hopefully have turned into a quilt, and setting aside other things to go to a Goodwill type program. Tim did find the pictures and we loaded that tub into the truck. To even throw one thing away that was hers, that she wore or touched felt like a betrayal. I know it's not, and I know this is necessary and that I can't hold onto every single thing. This will take me some time. I told Tim before we got over there to not go into his organizer mode and start riding roughshod over me, that this was going to be upsetting and I needed to go slow. He was good. He broke down two times, one when he ran across the video of her birth, which for reasons stated in prior posts, I have great guilt over Amanda ever having seen. The next time he broke down was when he was handling Amanda's box of important things and he dropped it and the contents spilled all over the floor of the storage room. I wasn't able to access her dresser, and I know I need to go through that. Baby steps. 

So, that's where we're at. My head and heart are a mixed up jumble of emotions. I miss you so much baby girl.

Leaving a Legacy

This will be continually added to up to (and maybe shortly after) Amanda's birthday, Saturday, September 27.  This will include the ripples of kindness that people are spreading across the US as part of celebrating Amanda's birthday with us by doing Random Acts of Kindness.

Hey lovely lady.

I just thought I would let you know that I have prayed about how I could Honor Amanda.  And it just so happened that at church last Sunday in the announcements they were offering an 8 week  class(which I believe starts on the 27th of September)  to help those with any strongholds that would be holding them back from being a true disciple of Christ. This was such an eye opener and a huge knock to the head from God that I had decided to not only donate funds in Amanda's name but buy some of the books to keep this class study going for the next group that comes along. I am so excited to tell you that as all of this was happening I felt  joy that only comes from knowing that Amanda would love this group.

With just the little you have shared with me I know in my heart of heart that this class is what I could see her participating in. Thank You for letting me be part of this for her.

Lots of Love to You & Tim

Dottie (Houtz) Peters took flowers to a stranger at a convalescent home. Dottie and my mom were friends.

Michael Stumbaugh

Random Act of Kindness

Around September 20, 2014, I had the opportunity to help an old acquaintance who had fallen on hard times. I have had known her for years through my job at Tipsy Teapot and she was recently evicted from her home. She was in Raleigh hanging out with friends for about two weeks and she returns to her home to find out that she has been evicted due to her roommates throwing a party that got out of hand and she did not have a cell phone at the time to even be notified about the eviction. The home was locked up and the landlord would not allow her to enter to get her remaining possessions as it was his right, so he said, to prevent such actions from happening. She was now homeless with no possessions other than her bag of clothes that she went to Raleigh with. Furthermore, she had no job at the time, as she was in a band that toured parts of the east coast and was already barely making ends meet by playing music, but this is what she loved doing I suppose. So picture painted; no suitable clothing to properly try to procure a job, no cell phone, no transportation, no home and no extra money to get on her feet. She had been bouncing around friends’ houses for about a month until we ended up re-meeting each other at a mutual friends house where she was staying. She felt that she had stayed there too long so I told her she could stay on my couch for a few days and I’d try to help her out, as I could see and have always seen that she was a genuine person with a big heart. So, for a little over a week, she stayed at my home and I fed her and purchased her some clothes that were more suitable for a job interview. From the beginning, we were going out and getting job applications and towards the end, I talked to her landlord and convinced him to let her get her possessions. Oddly enough, he had all the expensive stuff that her and others had left, in a storage unit; to sell I’m sure. In the end, we got some of her clothes, 3 of her Bass guitars, and her computer back. She again bounced to another friend’s house as she never wants anyone to feel that she has overstayed her welcome and within a few days she got a job interview at PetSmart and was hired two days later. We have grown to become best friends and I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything, we learned a lot from each other and even though I wasn’t necessarily in the financial position to be doing these things for her, it felt right and I knew it was something that was worth doing and it was something my sister would have been proud of. Finding truly genuine, kind and loving people is a rare occasion in today’s world and I’m forever grateful to have found and helped one of those people.

Nancy and I made a donation to Cure Search (http://www.curesearch.org/?utm_source=Donors2&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=CCAM2014) in Amanda's memory and in honor of a little girl who's a cancer survivor and was in a previous church we served.

Hi! Shelly, well on Wednesday there was a man with his kids stuck at a school where I pick up kids. His vehicle wouldn't start and it was hot out. I didn't know him at all. I remembered your request and I told the kids to give me a minute that we were going to go do a good deed. They didn't understand. I told them we were going to help this man. I had one of those handheld machines to give him a jump start. I'd never used it before. It worked, he was shocked and happy, so was I. It was a great feeling. I know it's not much, but I thought I'd share.

Shelly, I wanted to you know, we fed a homeless man in Amanda's name. I told him to have a meal on Amanda.

  

Hi, I just wanted to say you & Tim were on our hearts and mind yesterday more than ever...I hope the pics we tagged you in were ok and didn't make you cry anymore...my grandbaby Aiden was so sweet , he is only 2 but it was as though he understood..when we said we were goona go let the balloons go, for Amanda's b/day and for uncle Zachy he said with Jesus?? and we told him it was uncle Zach's friend Amanda's b/day and she is with uncle Zach & Jesus and he sang happy birthday as the balloon went into the sky..and then he blew kisses and said I love uncle Zach.. and jesus loves me, and uncle Zach and "Manda"..(Jesus loves me..is his favorite song..he knows every word & sings it all the time) he also knows Happy Birthday & It's a Small World too..Scott did a RAK yesterday 2 actually but I am not allowed to share them lol he is such a goof ball....((hugs)) hope you smiled at least once yesterday knowing how much your beautiful girl was loved.

Today did not go as planned. I've struggled with a way to honor Amanda that was special. We try to do kind things every day in our every day lives, so finding something extra special was hard. We had several ideas, but they all involved a hot, sunny day. Well, today is windy and almost cold. I was at a loss. We went out anyway and hoped that inspiration would strike. And it did. We ended up going to Walmart and buying several $5 gift cards. We then went into the store and looked for people who looked like they needed to be blessed with a little help. One lady looked extremely poor, yet she had a cart full of food for animals. I know she could have used that money for herself, but after we gave her the card, she went back and bought more cat food. I think we did a good job choosing all of the recipients because as I made my little speech to honor Amanda, each and every one of them cried with me and were so very grateful. But, the last lady, oh, the last lady. She was in a wheelchair. As I explained what we were doing, she looked up at me with such joy. She asked if she could pray with us. When I told her that I would love it, she grabbed my hand and prayed for us... my family, your family, Amanda... all of us. She is an ordained minister and truly blessed our day. Mom was even able to smile at the woman. Her name was Bessie. So, even though we didn't do what we had planned, I know we had guidance to do what we were supposed to do. God Bless you, Shelly, Tim, Amanda and Michael. Thank you for letting us share in the celebration of Amanda's life. p.s. I'm telling you this story so that you know that even though I never met her, I love Amanda and wanted to honor her. But, I believe that by telling others about good deeds, it brings honor to me instead of Jesus. So, if you share my story, and you're welcome to do so, please don't use my name. Love you!

Hi, in honor of Amanda, cooking dinner and sending my neighbors a plate or two! BBQ baked chicken, french style green beans, homemade mashed taters.

Hello Shelly! My Random Act of Kindness came a little early. On tues I was having a fb message conversation with someone that was in my life decades ago. I've reconnected a little with het the last few months. She in a very tough situation, single mom 1 son with Bipolar (I know you told me before that Amanda suffered with this mental illness as well) anyway she asked me about church food pantry type assistance and while I have her the information I also tried to make arrangements to take her shopping for some groceries or drop groceries off. She just couldn't make it work in the next couple of days so I met her with grocery gift certificates and got to meet and hug her son, Thinking of precious Amanda. I thought it was so amazing how this opportunity to help was laid in my lap just days before Amanda's birthday! Almost like she sent them to me. Silly I know. Anyway I wanted to share and let you know that Amanda's heart for others lives on! hugs my friend.

Yesterday I performed several random acts of kindness in honor of my beautiful friend Amanda 's birthday. My favorite was serving an elderly couple who was very clearly eating out on a fixed income. They were sweet as can be. Shared a sandwich, both got waters. I overhead the lady say that all she really wanted was a glass of white wine and some tiramisu. So I bought her some and surprised her. Even when you don't have alot to give it feels good to see someone so genuinely surprised and happy.  This same young lady sent me this:

Hi sweet lady! I have been thinking about you all! I wanted to share a couple of random acts of kindness on Amanda's behalf. Forbes painted a welcome sign to Rob's cousin that was coming to spend the evening with us. I made a quiche for some of our neighbors that has a father that has cancer and is staying with them through the week as he gets treatments in Greenville. We love u guys. Sarah

 

For our random act, (I hope it doesn't sound lame), we made a cake for a girl on her birthday, who wasn't going to have one.

Making dinner for a neighbor whose husband suffered an accident a month ago. He is still in rehab and learning to walk again. ‪#‎raok ‪#‎amandaford

Hey Shelly,

Please keep my email confidential b/c one of my recipients would recognize it was me & I wanna be anonymous. (Thanks!)

First off I got some little owl stickers in memory of Amanda. Whenever I see anything owl-related now, I lift you up in prayer. So owls are my prayer prompt for you. :-)

I didn't get to do everything I had on my list b/c we have a funeral tomorrow. Mark's 91-yo grandmother Farrell passed away Friday morning in Apex, NC & we've been getting ready for the service tomorrow. However, I did get my two "big" ideas done! And I will do more soon.

First there is a lady in my community who is a foster mom to PETS! I would love, love, love to do that one day. This lady works odd jobs to pay vet expenses, etc. I got her a cute t-shirt off Cafe Press online for rescue/foster pet moms. I wrote her a "thank you for all you do" card & put a little owl sticker on it.

Second thing was I shopped for trial size stuff (deodorants, hand sanitizer, lotions, etc.) and some bags of coffee for a friends of the homeless ministry. I also wrote them a card with an owl sticker. I will get these two packages in the mail on Monday .... missed it today, our little post office isn't open on Saturday anymore.

I think this was an awesome way for y'all to honor Amanda's memory! I'm going to adopt this idea and honor my loved ones who have passed on on their birthdays too....so you have inspired me! Thank you!! I was honored to participate.

I think of you often and pray for you more often!

In Christ's love, xxxxxx

Dearest Shelly,

I was trying so hard to think of something awesome to do today in honor of Amanda. My mind was blank. But as always God had a plan.

I decided to eat lunch outside today. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, banana, and some carrot sticks.

A homeless man came from behind the building. He walked past me. And something told me to ask him if he was hungry. Of course he was. So we sat together and ate. His name is Matthew. He lives near the train tracks behind work. He's trying to get his life back on track after 12 years of addiction. (That's when God hit me over the head with a 2x4)...Matthew was my pay it forward. Although I think I learned a lot more from him. He let me pray with him. And I even got to give him my "no shame, no blame, just love" bracelet.

Happy Birthday in Heaven to your sweet child of God, Amanda!

xoxo,

________

Hi Shelly and Tim
I think I told you about our day. We cut limbs and trimmed the back hedge at Wesley this am. (We stacked a huge pile by the street tonight after serving at Tailgating. Hopefully will be picked up Wednesday.)Then we headed south, had lunch at the new Slotzkey's (?)in Denison. Found out they serve Cinnabon rolls there so got 15 minibons and took them to the nurses and CNA's at Homestead of Denison where Gordon's 96 year old mom stays. They work 16 hour shifts on the weekend so were delighted! Had a smaller group at Tailgating tonight (around 50) but a good groups working. Was fun.
This was a great way to honor Amanda and celebrate her birth!
Love and hugs to you both,
Gordon and Kay

I hope this is a day of celebration for you! Amanda is having the time of her (Heavenly) life looking at all the celebrations that are going on for her down here on Earth, I think. Well, the neighborhood get together didn't go as planned, because my neighbor beat me to the punch by having a potluck last week to welcome the two new families. There were at least 30 people there, which included far more than I even knew!

We did, however, celebrate by going to Baskin Robbins for an ice cream today. I handed the Server your card and told her we wanted to pay for the family of 6 who was right behind us. I asked that she give them the card when they went to pay, and "wow" were they all surprised and very touched by your act-of-kindness request. I had chills, and it wasn't from the ice cream. I felt emotional telling them only that you had lost Amanda last December, and this was for YOU. Even the Server did a double take when learning of your request. No one else was in the store at the time except all of us celebrating Amanda. It couldn't have been more special.

Love, Dottie

Hi Ms. Shelly,

Sorry I missed you earlier. The pumpkin muffins are delish! You are so sweet to think of us.

So, what we did was I sent letters of encouragement to some ladies I know that really need it. Also enclosed a magnet for their fridge to remind them of how awesome they are.

Also, I watered a yard for an elderly couple. The husband has been in and out of the hospital over the last few months and the lady is the only care giver for him. Also, took them some meals.

That is all. J Thanks for the great idea to honor your sweet daughter.

Love ya!

I was sent a card for Amanda's birthday by a lady I used to work with at PE.  She is also one of the people whose RAOKs are listed here.

Earlier in the week, I was also sent a carved owl necklace that is pictured here also by a guy I went to high school with (and maybe Junior high too?).



Shelly, I have a not so random act of awesomeness I would like to share with you about Amanda's birthday - this Saturday, September 27, 2014. A couple weeks ago I had a random Facebook evite (you know how you get those) to go to a yard sale. I checked it out and saw it was from a friend I haven't seen or spoken to in a couple of years. Her name is Amanda Bush. I happily noticed that it was raising funds for House of Hope ministry. They have been helping my beautiful 15 year old daughter for the past year. I of course immediately decided to go. Then, last Saturday, I ran into that same friend at church! What a wonderful surprise! Before when I knew her she had been in the process of wanting to adopt a teenage girl. God was really laying that her heart. Now, she has one who I met with her last week. I found out that she is in my daughter's small group at church. Wow. The following Saturday, your special Saturday, I dropped my daughter off to attend Wired (church event) where I waited until a friend showed up for her to hang out with. This turned out to be Amanda's daughter Cassie! Then I headed over to the yard sale and saw another old and dear friend who is in Amanda's small group. I'm having coffee with Amanda this week and am thinking of starting to go to her small group so I can have the fellowship I have been needing. I love how God orchestrates our lives for good. I was especially blessed by your daughter's beautiful day and wanted to share what it meant to me and my life. Thank you.

Dewey helped some neighbors move :-)

Ms. Shelly for our random act of kindness we baked and baked. We shared treats with our local unsung heroes teachers :) at North West Heights and Silo Elementary. We also took some and visited with an elderly couple in our neighborhood who are pretty much home bound due to his illnesses. Thank you so much for having us do this memory of Amanda. I wish I had had a chance to meet her. By knowing you and Tim I know she was a lovely young lady. Thank you for reminding me that that I can do simple things everyday that may enhance the day of a perfect stranger. Thank you for helping me realize there is still a chance to daily create goodness in this crazy messed up world we live in. Also thank you and Tim so much for the muffins....they were so yummy!! :-)

So, I have to admit I am still a bit caught up in the Random (or not so random) acts of kindness thing and found myself today wanting to "have a better story to tell you". So I did offer a lady walking to our local store a ride today..She was almost there and said walking helped her back. But I did offer. I also just sent some money to the DR to help with Alberts travel expenses for his surgery. My point being is that your celebration of Amanda ' s birthday has stirred a little something in me and I appreciate that and hope to find myself living out her generosity all through out the year.

Aidan and I feed homeless people (as we are known to do on occasion) in Amanda's name:)

Act of kindness: Sharri and I participated in a 72 hour spiritual training event which demonstrates God's love and grace. 33 women enjoyed a first time experience. Over 100 volunteers renewed their experience as the hands, feet, and heart of Jesus. Volunteers did everything from cleaning cabins to witnessing a life story of God's grace in their own life. The event is called Walk to Emmaus. That was our act of kindness this past weekend.

My brother fed a homeless man and his dog :-)

Donated 10 inches of hair to locks of love.

my RAOK .... a lady in line behind me at the grocery store lost her wallet in the store. she had already unloaded her cart at the checkout & realized her wallet was gone. she set out looking for it .... parking lot, car, every aisle, under & in food displays. while she was looking I had the clerk go ahead & scan her items & i paid for them for her .... i left before she came back to the checkout, so i don't know if she found it, but her groceries were paid for & bagged up ready for her to go home. her daughter was in my class a couple of years ago & i know that wether or not she found her wallet, money is tight for them & I was happy to be the one in line ahead of them.

My RAOK was on Saturday I had went to the store with Sean and there was an elderly lady in front of us in line. She was having a little trouble getting her groceries out of her cart. So Sean and I helped her get them out and then Sean asked the lady if he could help her take her cart to her car and she had a smile so big it made me tear up. We helped her to her car and unloaded her groceries for her. She was so grateful she hugged Sean and I and told me how blessed I was to have such a sweet little man.
Thinking of you always!

When a random person messages you thinking that your someone else. Then they have a name of someone that you know...so you think that you know them too. Then your talking and the person asks for your advice on something. You give it to them, only to realize that you dont know them? Hahahahahha God works in mysterious ways. I needed that laugh. This is Amandas birthday present because that person told me I was amazing at giving advice and truly appreciated me. It was funny and relieving at the same time. I instantly thought about Amanda when it happened....idk why but I guess its a sign. Anyway Happy Birthday Amanda we miss you here on Earth. Love you Mrs Shelly.

(This wasn't done FOR Amanda's bday, but she was mentioned, so thought I'd include it).  To the individual who found my phone in front of Albertsons and chose to turn it in instead of keeping it... I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have everything on that phone, a lot more than I probably should, and a very serious blow would have been dealt to my life had you not chosen to share an act of kindness with me. Nancy Bullock has been trying to encourage people to do random acts of kindness in memory of a loved one she has lost who was notorious for such thin...gs. It is because of people like Nancy, her loved one and this individual who helped me out today, that I love people. It is because of the kinds of people that no matter what happens in life, no matter dark or depressing history, politics or the media might be, that I will always have faith in humanity. This might seem like an over reaction to some people, but maintaining faith in humanity is important to me, and I have a deep appreciation for selfless people with kind hearts. So thank you to those mentioned and those who do random acts of kindness themselves. And I encourage everyone start or continue doing random acts of kindness.

Hey girl!! I finally have my plan for Amanda's birthday/RAK... (sorry it was delayed but I was waiting for the right one and it just came by an email request today) I/we will be donating money for 2 students to go to a play with their 7th grade class.  I will try to post the email so you understand the need that the teacher has asked for help with.  Happy Belated Birthday to Amanda!!

This message was sent via SchoolNotes.com

Hey,
The entire 7th grade is going on a field trip, next Thursday, except for about 16 students who can't afford the trip. Several parents have sent in donations already which has helped, but I am reaching out to my students parents one more time.

We would love for each of our students to be able to attend this play and so I wanted to email you and ask if at all possible, you could send in even a few dollars to help our other students to attend.

If it is at all possible we would appreciate this so much. For many of these children it would be the first time in their life to attend something like this event.

I am sending this request to all of my parents in hope we can accomplish this goal.

We need the money by next Wednesday, but the sooner the better. Once enough funds are collected, I will email you to let you know.

Once again, thanks for any amount you can spare at this time.
Ms. Martin

#No Child left behind!!! Love u guys!

This is especially meaningful to me as I'm sure when our kids were younger, we were the beneficiaries of others' generosity like this, so thank you.

I was really trying to do or think of something that wasn't of monetary value but this came and it was like God's answer to help those kids experience something they may never get another opportunity.

Hey Tim and Shelly,

I hope today finds you resting in the arms of Jesus.  I am doing well and just wanted to let you know about my random act of kindness in memory of our sweet Amanda.  It was rather simple but the outcome surprising but isn’t that how God works all the time.  He is full of surprises.  I really wanted to do something really clever but that didn’t happen.   As I was driving through Starbucks the other day, I decided to buy the girl behind me her coffee.  The best part of it though was sharing with the girl who took my order and money about sweet Amanda and how her birthday was being celebrated.  The girl got big tears in her eyes and thanked me for making her day with such a kind act in memory of such a sweet girl.  Tim and Shelly,  I loved your idea and I love how honest you have been as you grieve.  It has really helped me understand the depth of pain that one feels when they lose a child.   Keep grieving out  loud because I know  you are giving others permission to do the same.  I never cried so hard for other people like I did for you the day I found out Amanda was gone.  There is so much we don’t understand on this side of heaven but I have to believe and trust that God is Good.  I love you both and Happy Birthday Amanda!  I can only imagine the amazing time you are having heaven.

Love,

Darlynn

I am doing my "act of kindness" in memory of Amanda tonight.  My plan is to do this once a week.  I'll have a bible trivia question and whoever answers it correctly gets a free item of my handmade jewelry mailed to them.  This will all be done in Amanda's memory.  Sorry I am a little late with this.  Brooke and I spoke a lot about Amanda on her birthday and celebrated her day in our hearts.  (Make sure to tune into tonight at 7:30 for the trivia question)  Love ya!  -Kim

 
 Tim and I sent some money to a dear friend of mine in CA who helps take care of her mother.  She very likely wouldn't have accepted it otherwise, so I sent it as my RAOK so she's sorta "obligated" to take it now ;-)  I baked pumpkin bread mini-muffins and packaged them up. Tim made the gift tags that went with them and we bought little owl stickers to go on them. We ended up giving them out to 13 different people, with 5 or 6 going to the people who were with us in the hospital and who really loved on us and supported us that day when Amanda died and since then.  We wanted a small way to say thank you to them.  We were able to visit with folks, one in particular who had just had surgery and her father just died recently. I could tell she needed a visit.  The last thing that we did was over two days we painted a fence for a widow in our church. She was amazing.  89 years old and just go-go-go.  She refused to let us just do this, though, without giving us something, and even though we protested, she stuck $20 in my pocket. Bless her. She is such a sweet, loving lady and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have met her.  I did sing Happy Birthday to my baby girl. Man oh man I miss her. I did pretty well until we were in IHOP, the place she was supposed to be working, and they sang HBD to someone near us.

So to tally it up, the states represented were NC, CA, OR, OK, PA, UT, SC and NV!  That's awesome! I know Amanda would have been so touched.

With love and laughs from Amanda

I was talking to Amanda on the way into work this morning. I was telling her how I keep my nails painted all the time now in memory of her as I didn't understand the importance when she was here and would ask us to go get our nails done. I only saw it as a waste of money and didn't appreciate that it was the TIME that was important. I said no all the time to that. I was telling her how sorry I was for not understanding that and taking advantage of the time that I COULD HAVE spent with just the two of us. Right out of the blue, the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt song came into my head and the next thing you know I'm singing it without really realizing what I was doing and then it made me laugh. I would periodically sing that to her just to get it stuck in her head and then I'd catch her singing it later in the day and I'd say, "Ha ha, it worked!" And she was like MOMMM! LOL I think she put that song in my head this morning to acknowledge what I was saying to her and accepting my apology.

A  second thing that happened today was that my friend, Jean, kidnapped me today and after lunch we went to several thrift stores among other things and I had just said that if she saw a Barney or Baby Bop to let me know. As soon as I turned around right there on top of the stuffed animals was a Baby Bop!  She was in good condition, too. So I bought her. First one I've seen since Greenville :-)

Just a post I did in a group I belong to.

Had a meltdown last night. I feel tremendous guilt and there's really nothing anyone could say that could assuage that. See, when my mom died in 1990, I promised my dad that whenever the time came that he needed me, I'd be there to help him. Fast-forward to 2012, and his wife has Parkinson's and Alzheimer's and he needed us. We (my husband and I) begged him for five years for them to move to NC. We offered to help move them. We offered to buy the duplex adjoining ours so we could be right there, but we could each have our own privacy. No dice. My daughter, Amanda, had bipolar. Even though we REALLY didn't want to move from NC where we loved it to OK, we thought maybe it would be a fresh start for our daughter. We had to leave our then 23 y/o son there, which I also hated. Granted, Dad never held this promise over my head...I did. And so in Oct. 2012, we moved. Our daughter HATED it here. The place was not this quaint country town like we anticipated but impoverished and riddled with meth and a host of other drugs. She was supposed to start cosmetology school when we got here, but we were trying to give her a little leeway to adjust to her new surroundings (especially given her bipolar and great anxiety). She ended up, instead, meeting up with people that drug her down, used her, and with her low self-esteem, she thought these people were friends, despite our constant warnings. She would get away from certain ones eventually only for them to be replaced by more. If I hadn't forced my way, basically mandated that we move to help my dad, then I really feel in my heart of hearts that she would be alive today. No one will ever convince me otherwise. I single-handedly tore our family apart when I insisted we move. And then there's the guilt I also feel regarding my dad because I WANT to help him (we do live with them now to help out) but I'm also mad because why couldn't they just move?????? All for some stupid land that will be sold off and we will move when he's gone anyway?? And where the heck are HER kids? Oh yeah, it takes 3 of them to take care of their father and 0 for their mother. Dad's reasoning was, "well they'd have to quit their jobs and sell their homes to move here." Excuse me, but we had to do exactly that and as a result of our move, now our daughter is dead, which all winds back at the same place...if I hadn't forced my will...I'm so sorry, Amanda. You were right, this place was going to be the death of you.