Too much in my brain...

I should have written sooner before I had so much in my brain that it will come out a jumbled mess, and I'm afraid that's what this will be.

We heard from the PI on October 6, I believe, that they had found an EYE WITNESS that had seen Amanda up walking around October 11, 2013, between 7:30 and 7:45 a.m.  The detective said they are positive it was my Amanda they saw, and that he deems them a very credible witness.  This was huge and mind-blowing. For one, we had assumed, based on her core body temperature and acidity, that her heart had to have stopped around midnight to 1 a.m. The longer the heart had not been pumping blood, the more acid would have built up in her system. So that seemed a good assumption. BUT, if she was alive around 7:30 a.m., even to 7:45 a.m. and then Ryan called 911 around 8:30, (A), what happened in that time interval?  (B) obviously her heart hadn't been stopped THAT long to account for the acid level being so high, (C) that explains why EMS said she was still "warm," and (D) that DOESN'T explain why her core body temp was as it was.  This had me broken all over again. All I kept thinking was what did that bastard do to her? (excuse my language; I really have a hard time thinking kind thoughts when it comes to someone having hurt my child).  All I could do was sob and sob for her, for me, for us, for not knowing. 

On Friday the PI, Aaron, had said he was going to go try and question Erica and see what she might tell him. She and Ryan are apparently in a custody battle now for their son, so I was hopeful that IF Ryan had told her anything about what happened that day, and I can't see that he didn't, she might be more willing to spill the beans on him to try and remove him from the equation of the custody situation. Nothing had come back under Amanda's fingernails as far as DNA goes. The syringes only showed heroin in the needles and no DNA, and they weren't able to get any fingerprints on the syringes either. Aaron said if he couldn't at first get Erica to talk to him, he would try her attorney for the custody dispute and see if he/she could get Erica to talk to him. He was going to try and talk to Erica's mom, too, to see if she had told her anything. I was so hopeful.

He said Erica at first tried to give the same song and dance about what happened that night as what she'd told Laxton, but when Aaron confronted her with things he KNEW had happened and when, she changed her tune and filled in a lot of blanks and answered questions that they still had about some things.  The one thing she didn't provide, is what, if anything, Ryan told her about what happened that morning. So, while it was fruitful, it wasn't what I really needed/wanted to have come from that. Aaron said he has a very good idea and a very strong timeline of what happened except for about the critical 30-45 minutes.  I was crushed.  Aaron feels he should have this wrapped up in the next few weeks.

I asked him if it was his inclination that this was something criminal or just something she did, a bad decision, and he said probably both. He said he feels Amanda was a willing participant, and I don't doubt that. BUT he said that he does NOT feel Amanda was dosing her own heroin (and even by Erica's interview, Ryan was extremely controlling of the heroin and would hide it,  constantly moving it around and not tell her where it was). He feels that if it can be proven or if Erica would ever say that Ryan told her he gave it to her, Ryan could be on the hook for manslaughter or criminally negligent homicide, even if it was an accident, but none of that will come to be unless Erica talks.

Another thing that has been eating at me is Tim's schedule. I KNOW what he's doing are good things, it's Kingdom work, and it's God work. I know this. He's so flipping busy I feel like a side note and I HAVE to work with him in the various activities just to see him. He's part-time at both places BUT it's definitely NOT part time either place. Then even when he's "off," someone is calling him about work, or someone needs counseling, or there's some book he has to be reading to prepare for the next meeting, or there's the next meeting to be prepping for, or the next tailgating on a Saturday (also a day off), or the next message to be practicing or doing research for, etc. etc. And I feel like such a heel. I just miss him having ONE job and having time off that really felt like time off, not just time to prepare for the next thing on the list. If you looked at his calendar, it's amazing he doesn't have to schedule bathroom breaks, for real!  All of his busyness, even with good things, makes me resentful sometimes. I miss my husband. I miss us having OUR time and OUR space and not feeling like I have to share him with 50,000 people daily.  Also, I've been wanting to go into storage to start looking for pictures to finally start putting together our picture frame we'd bought before Amanda died. I truly thought I was going to have to go there alone and do that by myself and that made me angry. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE!  And that's the main feeling of his busyness for me, I feel alone.  He must have heard me talking today to my friend Jean about how I was feeling and that I was going to go to storage today while he went to his meeting, because he offered to go with me for a little bit, which he did.  Jean had offered to go with me for support if I needed/wanted company. I told her I really wasn't sure how I was going to feel when I got there. She told me to just call her if I needed her.

Which leads to my next thing.  Going into storage is excruciating. It's a big neon sign in the face that screams SHE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE!  I finally went through her clothes that were in her hamper. Some of her shirts still had a lot of her hair on them.  I was throwing some things out (underwear, bras), and setting aside some of her T-shirts to hopefully have turned into a quilt, and setting aside other things to go to a Goodwill type program. Tim did find the pictures and we loaded that tub into the truck. To even throw one thing away that was hers, that she wore or touched felt like a betrayal. I know it's not, and I know this is necessary and that I can't hold onto every single thing. This will take me some time. I told Tim before we got over there to not go into his organizer mode and start riding roughshod over me, that this was going to be upsetting and I needed to go slow. He was good. He broke down two times, one when he ran across the video of her birth, which for reasons stated in prior posts, I have great guilt over Amanda ever having seen. The next time he broke down was when he was handling Amanda's box of important things and he dropped it and the contents spilled all over the floor of the storage room. I wasn't able to access her dresser, and I know I need to go through that. Baby steps. 

So, that's where we're at. My head and heart are a mixed up jumble of emotions. I miss you so much baby girl.