Going crazy.

I am terribly, terribly depressed. I can't seem to shake it. Nothing has really changed so I don't understand it. My surgery went great. The mass was benign. They took both ovaries and said I had endometriosis, which they burned whatever spots of that, that there were. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't want to work. I am not satisfied in anything. I'm bored all the time. I cry easily. Maybe it's from the ovaries being removed.

However, I've noticed that this 2nd year of having lost Amanda has been harder in some ways than the first. In the first year I was in shock, which is a nice buffer. I was scrambling and scraping to hold onto any sense of normalcy so I didn't totally lose it. I still hold to my faith...I can't and don't want to imagine my life without it. But now, it's like my heart is catching up with what my head has known, and the finality of it all is smothering. It's not like I think about it all day every day or anything like that. I miss her. I love her. I always will. But it's like it's colored over EVERYTHING.

I know part of my discontent in my mood is our living here in the sticks. It's so isolating. And yet, I don't want to leave Dad alone so we can have an apartment in town. Living with Dad isn't difficult, personality wise. He's funny. He's easy to get along with. Yes, there's too much junk, but...  I just have mixed emotions about it. I miss so much having our own space. Being able to do things that weren't dependent on flipping schedules and nurses and all of that. Being able to schedule things when I need/want them done and not based on bowling schedules and Indian lunches. As I type it I realize how petty I am. I do realize how precious this time is with my dad, and it is. I get this opportunity that many don't and many wouldn't want for the inconvenience. I'm just saying it's not easy and it does come with sacrifices.

I don't want to work at the Wesley anymore. I don't want to type anymore. I really don't seem to want to do much of anything anymore. I feel like my life is one of those flip books that if you flip the pages really fast an image seems to come to life. Well mine would look the same day after day after day, week after week. I'm so freaking bored with my life. All I do is work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  There is really nothing TO do in this whole freaking area. Tim's constantly busy. Right now and the last couple of weeks he's been busting his tail to build dad a sunroom. He's doing such a great job and he's working so hard. I'm proud of all that he is able to accomplish. And I know, in part, he's doing it so we can get me an elliptical and have a place to put it. I do want to exercise and know I need it. I know that would probably help with my mood.

I have no real social interaction. I have "friends," but no one I feel I can call up and do anything with. And then again, what's there to "do"??  Then I'm also conflicted as when Tim has time to spend with me, I want to spend it with him.  We ARE getting away to Oklahoma City this coming weekend (July 4th weekend), but again, it's for his part-time pastor's thing. Sigh. At least it's out of here, but still.  I don't like feeling so isolated. I feel very, very alone.  I did reach out to my old group, GriefShare, but they're not doing any meetings in the summer. I brought home some of the books I'd bought right after Amanda died, so I've started reading one, I Wasn't Ready to Say Good-bye. It's about dealing with sudden loss. It's validating to read things that mirror my own feelings/experiences/thoughts. I'm truly wading through unchartered waters and the only one who can tell me where to go and how to get there is me and God. From what I understand from my friend, Stacey, this second year being harder is a normal occurrence. Maybe I'm not losing my mind. 

"Mom struggles"

I've been struggling lately. I don't know if it's the upcoming surgery that has me more contemplative.  I've been thinking about Michael, myself, our relationship, and his future. I'm an enabler. I have a hard time telling Michael "no" when he asks for something, but especially since Amanda died. I know there were many times when Amanda was still alive that she'd ask for something (i.e. to have her nails done), and we said "No" when it would have been just as easy to say yes, even if it hurt a little financially at the time. Since Amanda died, I look back at all of those lost opportunities for the relationship to be built, those times to connect. Not that we should have said yes to everything and spoil her, but what really would it have hurt to say yes more than we did?  And so I have some regrets and I don't want to have those with Michael, BUT...

Michael is my baby...he will always be my baby, but he is not A baby, and I need to let him fall sometimes on his own without trying to swoop in and prevent...what?  Financial hardship of his own making? Him feeling the repercussions of poor decision making and lack of planning?  What I'm really preventing are learning opportunities for him to grow, to feel the sting and say OUCH! I shouldn't do "that" again.

In the last two months or so, we've spent a lot of money on Michael. Now granted, we CHOSE to do this, so he could go see his father and sisters.  We feel that was important. But see, it wasn't just the flight and travel money, then it's money to make up for his lost work when he gets back. It's hey, I forgot I need my meds, may I please get some money? And I rationalize, well those are important, so here's the money. And then it's that he needs contacts. Again, I rationalize the importance of those and purchase his eye appointment and 2 years of contacts....but the last time I bought them we were leaving NC and I told him he had two years to start budgeting and saving for the next go-round. Fast forward two years and there I go paying again. And it's gas money sometimes, and his check was short so can I help him pay rent? There's a litany of occurrences.  He always expresses his great thankfulness, so there's that, but...he's 26 now.  Yesterday he texted me this sweet note but was asking if I would "help" him get his fishing license so he could take Sara out on a boat fishing at River Park North. I lied to him and said I didn't have the money. I felt terrible for lying to him and I thought saying No might split me in two. Then I worry about, well is he going to put it on his credit card and just add to his debt then??  He likes to go and do like we all do, but he doesn't have the income for it...at all.  So since I'm connected to his checking account and I can see when he's gone to Christy's Euro Pub and blown money that, had he planned ahead, could have been used for X, Y, or Z, and then he asks me for money, it bothers me.  So I'm not mad at myself for saying No, (I mean clearly I say "yes" too much!), but then the guilt starts of....would I look back on this if something were to happen to him and regret it? In this instance, I definitely think not.  It's just a struggle. Letting go. Needing him to grow up, but then I've been preventing that in many ways. I mean, he pays his bills, gas, etc., 99% of the time, he just needs to learn to budget and plan ahead.  Part of me thinks...well geez, at 26 I had a 2-year-old and a 7-year old....but he's not me, and I've been enabling this behavior of spending all I have and then asking mom when I can't do _____.

May 14

Been away for a while…from posting, that is. It's just I feel like a broken record.

Let me see....Mother's Day....well, it came and went. Tim took me to Tokyo the day before as I hate dealing with crowded restaurants. Michael texted me (he was the first to wish me happy mother's day), but ya know what? (I would never ever say this to him as I know he's broke and already feeling like a failure in life, wishing he'd gone to school earlier so he'd be further along than he is.) Just once, ON HIS OWN ACCORD, I would love for him to CALL me on Mother's Day, send me a card, something. But I got a text. At least I got that. 

I was trying really hard not to think about it. Trying not to think that I have TWO children who should be here to ignore me on Mother's day (snarky).  I did find a FB post Amanda made to me in May 2012 saying how much she looked up to me, how I was the hardest working woman she knows and that she wants to make me proud (tears). Well, trying not to think about it only lasted so long, because my heart and mind weren't collaborating. I ended up going in the room and crying for a while. Tim came in and held me. He said he knew it was coming; he just didn't know when.

On Tuesday when we were coming into work, we were driving down Cox Lane (I was following Tim) and a big beautiful owl flew right between our vehicles. I just hit the brakes and watched with mouth agape. I just started crying. Tim pulled over to have me pull up beside him and he was like, "Did you see that???"  I needed that little hug from Amanda.…boy did I need it!

So today I've been in kind of a funk. I had this very intense dream last night/early this morning. There was a trial. Apparently some evidence had been "found" that showed that Ryan intentionally killed Amanda. The scenes would change back and forth from in the court room to in a conference room with the judge, attorneys, me, Tim, and Ryan. The opposing side were just ripping Amanda to shreds, basically saying that it was her own fault. I just remember arguing that we never said Amanda was a saint, but that no one deserves to have their life taken from them like that. It was very traumatic the things they were saying about her and I was just crying. There was also a slideshow of pictures of Amanda that I'd never seen before. Pictures of her at school, with friends, etc. I was elated and brokenhearted at the same time to see these pictures of our beautiful girl. I was mesmerized just wanting to take in every detail of each one, and at the same time hearing such terrible things about her. The whole dream was so intense and I remember I was just sobbing. The alarm went off then so I never got to finish it, but the residua of the dream just has left me in a funk. Funny how it can carry over and color your mood. I'm trying not to let it, which is why I'm blogging about it so maybe if I get it out, I can move on from it.

Tomorrow is Michael's 26th birthday. What. the. heck?! 26???  Friday he's going back to see his father for a visit. I'm thankful he has lived long enough for this to happen. Today's my grandpa's birthday. It just dawned on me, that this is the same timing as when I went into labor with Michael in 1989. It was May 14 (Grandpa's bday), and I was hoping to have him on that day (It was also Mother's day that year), but he came at 2:48 a.m. the 15th, weighing 8 lb. 4 oz. and 22 inches long. :-)

We've made vacation plans to go back out and see him July 28-August 4. I need some Michael time and just time away from Oklahoma.  Hopefully the results of my surgery won't mess that up. We did purchase trip insurance in case things have to change, however. It's going to depend on if the mass is malignant or benign and what treatment, if anything, needs to happen after that. I'm hoping we can still go. I really just need out of here. Unfortunately, my surgery is June 2 and Tim will be at camp that week, so my lady friend, Jean Rodgers, is going to be my ride. It's just a same-day surgery (I hope). They are starting it laparoscopically and, depending on what they find when they get in there, may have to convert it to an "open" surgery (bigger incision, longer recovery time). I really hate that Tim won't be there.

That's all for now. Guess I'll get back to work....It feels that that is all I do.

It's been a while...

I haven't posted since February. Days turn into weeks and so on, and there's nothing spectacular to write about.

I turned 45 on March 26, and I took the day off. I was really down for a few days before my bday. I just wanted Amanda here, knowing, though, that even if she were here, she probably wouldn't have spent it with me. She usually blew off mine and Tim's birthdays. But I wanted her here, even if it was to blow me off. I didn't want the big hoorah that some of the Wesley kids may make over it. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want it. None of it. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and since it was on a Thursday when we serve the free lunch at the Wesley and have Bible study at night, I just couldn't bear the thought of being around a bunch of people, especially Michelle.

One thing that occurred was that Michael's father, Tim Stumbaugh, ended up in the hospital and nearly died. First he was nearly dead when he arrived at the ER, and then after surgery, nearly bled to death. They really didn't think he was going to make it. I'd been trying to get Michael and his father to communicate, but neither had made a real effort, both scared, I suppose. Well, this time we flew Michael out there for a few days. We felt it was important, especially if his father were going to die, for Michael to have some time to see his father, to say whatever he needed to. He was able to meet family he never has, specifically his sisters Mia and Destiny, and a 2nd cousin, James, who is Tim's medical power of attorney. Tim is an alcoholic with liver failure and desperately needs a liver transplant, but due to his repetitive relapses with alcohol, that's not likely to happen. Tim's out of the hospital now and living with James and his family. We have been in communication. I prayed for him constantly. I pray for his soul. I prayed for God to breathe healing life into every cell in his body, but specifically for him reach into Tim's heart, mind, and soul and speak life and love to him, and for Tim to say "Yes" to Christ.  Tim and I agreed even before Tim S. got out, that since he only has, at max, 6 months to live, we would cancel our family vacation plans to a cabin in NC we'd rented, and send Michael back out there to spend time with his father. We booked him a flight for May 16-19, a day after Michael's 26th birthday.  I was able to connect some with Mia and Destiny, sending Destiny pictures of her dad and brother that she'd never seen. 

So, aside from that, it's pretty much been status quo. Easter is tomorrow and Rachel Jenkins got married today to Josh Schwager...both events have me melancholy. I'm elated for Easter -- the meaning of Easter -- It's my favorite holiday. However, with that, it brings up the memories of Easters when the kids were little. I don't think I have a single picture of the kids at Easter time. The kids loved decorating eggs. Even as an older teen, Amanda still wanted us to dye eggs...how I wish I could go back and say yes instead of thinking it silly.  She loved doing Easter egg hunts. I remember countless ones at the trailer. We'd hide easier ones for her or she'd get really frustrated, and harder ones for Michael. We had to make stipulations that Michael, even if he saw an easy one, he couldn't take it for himself or he'd get all of the eggs and Amanda would throw a fit. We'd do hunt after hunt. She just loved them. 

Then with Rachel getting married today....she used to babysit Amanda sometimes...kinda cuts to the heart. Another reminder of what I won't get to share with her. I wanted her to find that forever love...sometimes I think she thought we set the bar too high with mine and Tim's marriage. She wanted what we have, but she wanted it without all of the hard work that went into getting there. She wanted an automatic happily ever after...now in Heaven she gets the happily ever after, just not the one I'd hoped she'd find here, too.  And so, my eyes are leaking again.

Then, one final thing...I've been having what I'm assuming are GYN issues. It feels like cysts on my ovary, but instead of hurting once a month or every other month, it's been multiple times a month with a dull ache almost daily. I've had a pelvic, a pap, and an ultrasound now. They even insinuated I was making it up (or making more of it than it was) because I'm depressed. The sent in some sort of a shrink to talk to me for like an hour and a half before she said I was fine, doing better than she would have expected, and I've done a lot of processing/grief work already. Well, lo and behold, a few days later the doctor had to call me to tell me that the radiologist saw something on the ultrasound. She said, yes, there were multiple cysts on the right ovary but that there was something near or next to the ovary that had blood flow to it. They want to do a CT scan, but, with the speed with which they move, it won't be until April 16th. I'm praying it's not cancer, but the thought that has continued to float around in my head is, To live is Christ; to die is gain.  Not exactly the encouraging thought I wanted, but I agree. If I continue to live, I want it to be to glorify God, but if I don't, then I get to go home to Heaven, Amanda, and my mom....but I don't want to leave Tim and Michael...so...enough of that jazz. I'm trying not to worry about it...I mean, Matthew 6:27 says, "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" So, thy will be done, Lord, THY will.

Doing okay

Tim and I have been purposing to spend more time together. There have been some ambush moments here and there from missing Amanda, usually triggered by music.  Adele's Set Fire to the Rain came on one day while I was getting ready and it just hit me so hard. I could clearly hear her singing that song and how my heart misses hearing her actually do it from the next room. All of the things I miss and will miss just flood me.

Another time I got ambushed was this song, Jar of Hearts:

Amanda could sing this so, so well, and it's so hauntingly sad, which is, I guess, why it appealed to her and she could sing it so authentically.  It just tears me up.

A friend from kindergarten through high school sent me a box full of owl goodies a while back. There were 2 owl journals, an owl necklace, an owl nightgown, a little stuffed owl, an owl scarf, and an owl mirror compact. Such a thoughtful thing to do for someone I was never really really close with and really just acquaintances by high school. Still, you go through life and realize that you have more in common than the superficial crap that we let get in the way as youth.

I haven't had anymore vivid dreams about Amanda, but she is in many dreams, usually as a child of 4-6. Usually it's that someone has taken her, or she's lost and I can't find her and the majority of the dreams, I'm desperately trying to find her. I guess it's still my subconscious and heart trying to accept (or not wanting to) that she's really gone from me here and not coming back. I wake up so sad after those dreams.

The other day Tim and I went to the movies over our Valentine's weekend getaway. We saw some (dumb) movie with Channing Tatum in it and at the end, there was the typical love story element, and the unlikely guy and girl get together. I told Tim I felt like she was sitting next to me watching the movie and I could almost hear her giddy laugh and happy clap as they kissed at the end. She loved romance and was always wanting to find her happily ever after. I told Tim I could hear her say (as she most likely would), "Hell-oooo SEXY!" about Channing Tatum. I miss her sense of humor and silly ways.

I saw yesterday on FB one of the youth from Covenant whom we've known since she was a little girl (and who used to babysit Amanda) got her wedding dress. She and another kid from Covenant youth are getting married soon. I am happy for her. They are both good kids. It is a reminder, however, of all of the things we won't get to experience with Amanda, so while I'm happy, it's bittersweet.

I love you so much, Amanda. Nothing has changed. I can stuff it down easier now while I have to work and do life...that is until an ambush forces me to rip the mask off and be the real grieving mom I am.  I recently bought a necklace in memory of her and can't wait to receive it.


I also bought a sign from the Magnolia Market. I saw it on an HGTV show, Fixer Upper, and what it said really spoke to me, especially in light of losing Amanda.
http://shop.magnoliahomes.net/collections/all/products/today-is-a-good-day-sign#

It's going to go over the TV in the living room as a daily reminder to look for and embrace the good that God does give us in each and every day. It was supposed to be delivered Friday, but we weren't at the Wesley, so I'm hoping it will come Monday.

I also recently made an owl wreath in memory of Amanda. I think it turned out well. I saw the idea on Pinterest and finally got the supplies needed at Hobby Lobby and one last roll of owl ribbon at Wal-Mart.  It's hanging in the kitchen window and coordinates well with the wall color.





In the stillness of the heart...

I don't know why I write like I do. It's more like journalistic reporting...just the facts, Ma'am.  But here I sit on this Monday, when I should be working, but there is none, and I have too much time to think. Back from vacation and seeing Michael, friends, and Tim's family. Back to the stillness and quietness of the heart, and that's where/when I miss Amanda the most. Everything is back to "normal."  Nowhere to go or visits to try to squeeze in. Just back...here...with my memories and that's all I have left of you here. Of us as an intact family. Someone said we are still an intact family, we are just located in different places. And I guess that IS true. You are more alive now than you ever were here, but it's that I can't see you. I can't hold your hand or hug you or watch you sleep. I can't hear that laughter except in my memories and dreams.

I don't want you back here, not like you were, with your hurts and demons. It would be beyond selfish of me to want that. I just miss you. I don't know if I wrote this down earlier or not, but on a card we got was this saying, and I hope I don't goof it up. It said something to the effect of, "If they are with Christ, and Christ is with us, then they are never really far away." I love that, and it was sort of an ah-hah moment. I just miss her so, so much.

I don't know why her life was as tough as it was. I beat myself up about the one thing I could have NOT done and convince myself that that one thing is what set the downward spiral in motion...but do I know that for a fact? No. Is it helpful for me to tell myself that it's my fault? No. But I guess in my heart of hearts, that's what I believe. I. started. it.  And to live with that guilt?  It's what caused me initially to push Tim away. How could you even stand to look at me? How could you want to be around me? I'm horrid. I'm disgusting. I gave THAT explanation, and in my mind, that's what started her self-loathing. So, fast-forward, in effect, I killed our daughter. That's the ugliness I have in my heart. If I had given another explanation, or lied and not told the truth, she MIGHT still be here. She MIGHT NOT have turned to drugs. Heck, for all I know, she might not have ever been bipolar. What do I know??  And that's where I've had to turn it over to God. He knows the hurt and ugliness I try to stuff down so deep. I mean, who wants to think THEY ALONE are responsible for their child's pain? It's truly too much to bear, and that's what Satan wants me to do, bear it alone. Don't turn it over to God. Don't cry out to God. But I have to. No one else knows my heart. No one else truly knows her story or mine. Even I don't know my own story like the author. So God, take these ugly, self-deprecating thoughts and self-blame from me. I can't bear it. I miss my baby girl so very much, and you alone know how much my heart is broken without her here. But thank you for taking her from the misery she was in. Thank you for making her whole and walking with us while we pick up the pieces of our lives. Thank you for my husband's steadfast love for me. Thank you for making him her earthly daddy and you her heavenly one. Thank you that these tears that run down my cheeks even now, you call precious and collect every one. Thank you that not only will I be reunited with Amanda again one day, but that I can stand in your presence and worship you, can fall on my face in worship and adoration of you. You are the great I AM and no circumstances change who you are.

"None But Jesus"

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

I am yours and you are mine...

All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore

I made it through Christmas...

I really didn't want Christmas to come. Not for anything to do with the meaning of it, but because I had no idea how I would handle it and that freaked me out. My anxiety level was very high.

We went home for Christmas. I felt bad leaving Dad, but Marian was coming the day before we left, so I knew he would have good company.  It had been 9 months since we'd seen Michael, and that was just too long for me, especially with how down he had recently been.  I was excited to see him, but still wary of how to deal with Christmas with Amanda not being there.

We got to spend a good bit of time with him. He was off for four of the days that we were there. Mostly when we hung out, it was at his place. Other times we took him out to eat, once with his roommate, John, as well.  

We did some Christmas shopping and saw some friends, ate a LOT, saw some people unexpectedly. Tim got me a new wedding band and I got him the new iPhone 6-Plus. It's like a suitcase compared to his old one LOL.  He finally made the leap to a smartphone in a big way! 

I did love going to Christmas Eve service at Covenant. How I have missed that church, those people, great messages, the movement of the spirit and passionate worshippers.  We also go to go to church our last night there, Saturday night, for that evening service. It was so nice to be welcomed by so many. Hugs from people we don't always get to see.

Christmas day Tim and I had to go to New Bern for the family thing. Mike went, too, but drove separately as he had to work the next day and didn't want to be out too late. I guess it wasn't too bad, but I did have my moments of tears.  I gave Linda, Kelly, and Christy their ornaments I'd had made for them, and then the day before I had gone on Collage.com and did a collage of pictures of Amanda for Linda, sent it to CVS and had them print it. We bought an 8x10 frame and I wrapped that and gave it to her, as well.  They all seemed to like their gifts, and Christy did hang her ornament on the tree.  Linda sent me a picture the next day and had hung hers from her rearview mirror in her car.  

I don't know...I guess I was mostly just trying NOT to feel or think. Part of me feels like I should have wallowed in bed crying all day, but it does truly help to know that Amanda got to have Christmas WITH JESUS!!!  I mean, how much more awesome could that be?  I miss her terribly, but she got to celebrate Jesus' birth WITH Jesus!  It was hard not to reminisce, and I did do that some...that's usually when the tears came. Hard not to think about Christmases past.  John had seen my tears but gave me space.  He did come up to me the next day at the Dirty Santa party at Rob and Christy's and ask me if I was doing better. He mentioned that he'd seen me crying. He's been great, he really has. Linda had given me a beautiful scarf with owls on it. I made sure to wear it to the party, along with the perfume they gave me (Cool Water).  She also had brought me a book she just finished reading, Unbroken, the story of Louis Zamperini, which is quite the page-turner!!  It's so, so good!

I hate leaving there. Not that I'm in a big hurry to get back near Tim's family, BUT I would do it to get to see Michael often.  Maybe God will bring us back there one day. Who knows. For now, this is where our mission field lies, and we will be obedient to God.