A Gift

I had to get this dream down really quick before I forget any of it:

Instead of Amanda being cremated, as she was, in my dream she's going to be buried. I have one last chance to go in and spend time with her before they seal up the casket. I'm by myself and walk up to her casket. I'm crying and heartbroken. She looks so beautiful and peaceful lying there. I don't remember if I notice what she's wearing; I just concentrate on her face, her hair, her hands so soft. I remember just weeping over her and telling her how much I love her, how much I'm going to miss her, and how I wish I could just hold her one last time, to look into her eyes and tell her how much I love her and how sorry I am for not being there to prevent this.

Suddenly, her eyes open and I'm looking around thinking, SHE'S NOT DEAD! DOES ANYONE ELSE SEE THIS?  And she speaks to me and tells me that no one else can see it; it's a gift just for me. She tells me how much she loves us, how sorry she is that this happened, and how she will miss us, too. She keeps telling me not to cry and wipes my tears. She pulls me to her and I get to hold her one last time. It felt so incredibly good to hold her, to hear her voice, to see my baby's eyes looking into mine. I remember, though, upon reflection, this peace that emanated from her when I was holding her. 

I think I was given a gift last night. Thank you, Jesus, for letting me hold my baby girl even while you are holding her.

I am really having such a hard time with Mother's Day. It's hard to hear all of these Hallmark commercials..."Hallmark, the heart of Mother's Day."  I am still a mom...just broken. I hope Michael at least calls me on Sunday. I love my children so much. Thank you, God, for the privilege of being their Mom.