I have this overwhelming sadness. Overwhelmed period pretty much describes me. Mother's Day is coming. I had to deactivate my Facebook for now. I can't bear to see all of the messages or pictures and posts about wonderful family gatherings and gifts. Not that that day has ever really been a big deal to my kids but I always wanted it to be. I wanted them to want to get a card for me that Tim didn't either suggest or buy and ask them to sign. I wanted them to want to do something special for me that they thought of. I guess that's just me and my Norman Rockwell fantasy life imaginings again.
I'm also having a hard time still with Michelle from the Wesley. I feel like she has just invaded everything. Work was my safe haven where I could just work and try not to think about Amanda or my parents but just work and now everytime I turn around, here's Michelle. Now Tim has nooo problem whatsoever. She helps him with youth , because of his history of having been abused, he wants to save everyone. That's just who he is. My problem is with the quantity of time she is with us and I feel like I have to share Tim constantly. Mondays she shows up at the Wesley; Tuesdays same thing and goes with Tim to Caddo for the afterschool program; Wednesday same plus goes to the nursing home with him and later to youth; Thursdays, she's back. Friday and Saturday I actually get sans Michelle, but Sunday she is with Tim at church early, Tim wants to take her with us out to eat or whatever, then she's with him for youth and later at the Wesley. She is extremely needy and is constantly up and down, crying and lashing out in stupid ways and getting into trouble. Then she's wanting advice repeatedly but doesn't take it and then comes back crying. I CAN'T DEAL WITH HER!!!! I feel like I'm dealing with Amanda's bipolar all over again,which I gladly would if it were Amanda, but instead I'm trying to mourn my daughter, try and figure out how to go forward, while living with my folks and deal with Ann's diseases and be here for dad. My emotional tank is running on fumes most days and I feel like everything to do with my interactions with Michelle, for me, are life-taking and not life-giving.
I say all that to say that I truly do not know what to do. At this time in my life, I need my husband more than ever, and I feel like I have less of him than ever. On top of that, I mean he's a pastor, so he's going to be there for her and she does help him a lot. I just really don't know what to do. Even work for me now is a source of stress...I need one drama-free/stress-free zone, and I no longer have it. So I did take one step last night and tried to temporarily block her on FB, but apparently if you block someone you're friends with, it automatically unfriends them. Whoops. So for now, with Mother's Day coming and I know I'm already going to be emotional, I've just deactivated my FB account. I just need some peace, somehow, some way.
My roller coaster experience of losing our 19-year-old daughter and walking through all that entails.
Shelly, first of all... a great big hug! I cannot imagine what you are going through. As for Michelle, I have a few thoughts that all boil down into one. First thought, is Michelle Tim's way of escaping? Is she enough of a distraction that dealing with her is HIS safe place? Not wrong, but probably not healthy in the amount that he is focusing on her. Second thought, is there anyway that you guys can reach a compromise? Maybe she can do the helping and finding support but the office is off limits? Probably not since he's a pastor. But there has to be a way that you don't feel that she is usurping all of your chances at peace. Third thought, is it healthy for Michelle to spend so much time with any one person? Yes, she needs help and guidance and attention. But should it all be from an older male figure? Is there someone else in the ministry that can take some of the "help" from Tim's shoulders? And my final thought, I'm just an outsider looking in, but it seems a little unhealthy for everyone. I hope I'm not over stepping by making these observations. I obviously don't know all of the details, so, I may be out of line. Talk to Tim. He's a good guy. He'll listen. I love you, Shelly. And if I could take some of this pain and conflict from you, I would in a heart beat. Let me know how it goes. <3
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