Just a little frustrated today. I made the "mistake" of posting on FB about being frustrated that we don't have any answers about what happened to Amanda. I had started watching The First 48, wherein homicides are supposed to be solved in 48 hours or the chance substantially increases that they will go cold. I remarked that some families are blessed that they are able to find out what happened to their loved ones. I feel that the police have washed their hands of Amanda's case because she had used drugs. They, in my opinion, don't care to find Ryan and Erika. In my opinion, a whole hell of a lot more would have been done, no matter the circumstances of the child's death if it had been the child of one of their own. I feel no stone would have been unturned, and Ryan and Erika would have been found and brought back to be questioned. But, well, she was Amanda, NOT the child of a cop, and a drug user, so no loss. Chalk it up to another one off the street. Anyway, my frustration lies in the responses I get from both John and Linda. Linda insists that some stranger came up to Kelly AND Michael and said that we will never know what happened that night until we get to Heaven. For one, the guy came up to Kelly ONLY, according to Kelly, while she was up rubbing the borrowed urn as she thought Amanda was in there and she was talking to "her." According to Kelly, before, she said she hadn't seen the guy before or during the service and didn't see him again after he spoke to her. She had said at that time that the guy said she needed to have faith and believe. THAT'S IT. Nothing about never getting the answers blah blah blah. And John chimes in and talks about I couldn't do anything even if I did know what happened and that ticks me off, because depending on what the truth is, maybe, just maybe there could be some justice had. People telling me to let it go and I know they mean well, but honestly I want to tell everyone to put a sock in it. They may love me, but they have NO understanding of me or what I go through every single day. They don't know what it's like to lose a child. It IS different from any other loss. And to lose a child under suspicious circumstances and feel like no one is trying to find out what happened, and feel like the ones who were supposed to see that through, dropped the ball and don't care to pick it back up.  My frustration is NOT a crisis of faith. It is anguish, grief, pain, and yes, anger, but it's NOT about my faith in God. I KNOW I will know the whole truth in Heaven if that's what God wants me to know. I know he has been with me and will continue to do so. I know he's been comforting me and giving me strength and peace. So when they say these things about faith or letting go and letting God, I feel completely misunderstood, and it heightens my feelings of being alone and like fingers are being pointed at me like I'm grieving "wrong," and really it just pisses me off, because how dare they or anyone?

Anyway, that's my rant. Ann is back home. Oh. Yay. I don't even have it in me to go there today.

I've been super stressed out lately. Just knowing Ann is coming home adds more to my plate. That may make me sound like a horrible person, but it. stresses. me. out!!!  I know that we moved here to help Dad take care of her, but I didn't "plan" on having to deal with that and trying to grieve Amanda! Gah!!!!  Either one on their own is enough, both is just too much.

And then, working from home...I tried doing it for a little bit today as, even though it's Saturday, there was a good bit of work on the system and I wanted to take advantage of the being able to make some extra money. Working at the kitchen table SUCKS. Working from a laptop is so different than a regular PC. I'm thinking about getting a wireless keyboard so at least that will feel familiar. The kitchen chair kills my already out of whack back, and the shag carpet makes my foot pedal stick. So, in frustration, I quit for the day.

Tim and I went to the movies earlier to finally get out of the house. Tomorrow Ann comes back. Ugh! We saw Jersey Boys, which was about Franky Valli and the Four Seasons. Lot of language, but it was Jersey, so what did I expect. Overall, I really enjoyed it though. We were on the way home and talking about the movie and we see a car slow down right when we are passing it. Yep, a cop. Got me going 75 in a 65. So now I have a nice little ticket and court date. I was so mad at myself. Just more stress added to my plate, and this was my fault. I'm trying to think of it as getting pulled over kept something even worse from happening.

When we came home, I knew I needed to get my laptop set up out in the little garage to see how it would work out at Dad's computer station. Well...it didn't. For me to sit normally and comfortably, my foot pedal would have been all the way under the computer hutch, and there's a kickboard or ? there, so it wasn't going to work. Tim came up with a good solution for me, so Dad can keep his computer where it is, and I have a better set-up with just a regular folding table. Tim had to clean a bunch of Dad's junk off of it and place it somewhere else, but YAY TIM!! He came through!

The real reason I'm writing, though, is that God brought a new person into my life. Her name is Jean Rodgers, and she is going to be helping us at the Wesley. Her granddaughter, Amanda, was 19 when she passed 8 years ago. It is so nice to talk to someone who gets it, who also wears her heart on her sleeve, and gives great hugs! To be honest, it felt like talking to my mom, that kind of familiarity.

On Thursday she was helping with the free lunch at the Wesley and we were talking about the circumstances of Amanda's death, and she said something that made my jaw drop as it was reaffirmation of what God told me in my dream - She said, "Do you ever think that God took her or let her die when He did to keep something even worse from happening to her?" In my dream, He said it was the kindest, most loving thing He could do to welcome her into Heaven when He did as she was never going to have had the life I had wanted for her. I got chills when she said that to me.

Anyway, between she and my GriefShare group, it's been a blessing that I really needed, and the timing couldn't have been better. Thank you, God.

One final note, Tim designed Amanda's birthday invitations, printed them and cut them out, and I've addressed 72 so far. I hope so many people are blessed through this. Maybe we will do it every year in Amanda's memory for her birthday. I love you, Sugarbear. Every night that I read, I pull out the bookmark with your picture on it, kiss your sweet face, rub it against my cheek, and then lay it over my heart. I like to think that somehow, you are feeling and receiving those kisses in Heaven. I miss you so very much.

Just an illustration of, if the hole was bigger, how I feel every single day.

This and that

Since ending the Grief Care group (which I was both relieved and disappointed about), I have felt this panic inside of me. I needed something; I needed counseling or to talk about Amanda. I felt that I was bush which gives the false appearance that I'm coping or doing well, but all it felt like was that I was playing ostrich or running as hard, far and fast as I could away from my grief as possible in order not to deal with it and hurt. But I AM hurting, and I also knew that my not dealing with it now would eventually come back to bite me in a big way. We avoid grieving because it's messy. It's painful. It's unpredictable and uncontrollable. Who wants to fling themselves into that?? But I knew I needed to.

I brought home the videos, books and workbooks so I could continue Beyond the Broken Heart on my own. I haven't heard back from Victory Life still but knew I needed to do something for me.  After I'd read and did a little, I went back through my daily GriefShare emails that I receive and resubscribed to them. In doing that, I decided to check and just see what the closest meeting was for me. I noticed that a brand new group was forming the very next day in Sherman. I asked Tim if he would at least go with me to the first one as I know once college starts back he will have a Bible study on Thursday nights. 

Last night we attended our first meeting and it was just what I needed. I felt relieved to be able to express my pain and struggles with people who weren't uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the commonalities of grief. This is different from The Compassionate Friends in that this group is not just for bereaved parents but for anyone who has lost someone. We were the only ones who had lost a child, but I could relate to the thoughts and feelings that others shared and what was said on the video. It was so nice to have that sense of community. I have work to do throughout the week and I know it will be difficult, but I am glad I took that step.

On a completely different note, I sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I had scheduled my install with my company to remotely access my new laptop and put in everything I will need to work from home and suddenly I am just pissed! I'm mad that I have to work from home at the kitchen table with 3 noisy/needy cats, a dog and have to change diapers on Ann all while trying to concentrate on work. I'm mad that I have to make these sacrifices and drag my equipment home and back weekly. I'm mad that I will have to move my laptop all over so it's not on the table and. I'm mad that we even have to live in this dinky house that has no place that I could actually work in a dedicated work spot. I'm PISSED! And yes, I do realize how childish I sound right now and frankly I'd like nothing more than to have a wall-eyed hissy fit complete with foot stomping. I'm sick of these circumstances and I guess if I got to the heart of the matter, I'm pissed that Ann is coming home at all which is necessitating this upsetting of my apple cart. 

So...I have to end on a good note after all of my complaining and that is that Michael started college today. He has three online classes to work himself back into it and texted earlier saying he's already done all of the assignments that he could until the 26th or so. I'm proud of him and taking the initiative on this. Wish I were there to cheer him on, but for now I will have to settle for doing it from afar.

I've been putting off posting about this since it happened, but Zacc Grazier, Amanda's friend whom we took with us to her service passed away on August 8, just 13 days shy of his 21st birthday. He was such a kind, loving, charismatic boy and you couldn't help but like him. Even after Amanda passed away, he would text me or message me on FB to see how we were doing and/or just say how much he missed Amanda. I really appreciated that kindness and care. I've only heard rumors that his death, too, was an overdose. It just made me so sad. What Satan is doing to our kids. The lies they are believing. The way they are destroying themselves. The brokenness that our kids are experiencing.

I am just copying and pasting what I posted earlier on FB:
I went to bed last night with tears in my eyes as I thought about Zacc Grazier's parents. I can only relate what I felt the night before Amanda's service. Laying in bed, finding it hard to take a breath. Wanting to stay awake, thinking maybe, just maybe you can hold off the night from progressing into tomorrow because tomorrow makes it real. So far, everything in you is screaming, fighting againstwhat your head is just barely starting to accept, that your child is dead, and if you can just hold off the night, it doesn't have to be real. Finally, in exhaustion, you fall asleep. Today you are faced with the reality that all of the plans, hopes, and dreams for your child will never come to fruition, and you have to start the arduous task of grieving. Grieving the loss of your child, who you used to be and life as you knew it. Grieving all of your hopes and plans for their future. Grieving for all of the experiences they will never get to have, nor you get to share with them. Grieving because you have no idea how you will ever live another single day without your child and don't want to. I lift his parents up to God, because only God and another grieving parent can ever really know or appreciate the depth of the despair we will carry as we figure out how or why to ever live again.

I struggle every single day. I had a mini meltdown earlier as I was out and saw a little red 4-door Ford Focus and I could just picture Amanda driving it still...she should still be here driving it and driving me crazy. I'm really not doing as well as people seem to think. I guess because I get up everyday and go to work that that's some sort of accomplishment, but it feels like I'm just running away from my grief rather than working through it, and I feel like that will come back in an onslaught one day. I did reach out to Victory Life Church to see if they had counselor a on staff. I know I at least need that. I push everyone away or at least do not let myself get close enough to be vulnerable with them and let them really see what's going on in my heart and mind. I know that my grief makes people uncomfortable...it makes them feel vulnerable in that if it happened to my child, it just might be able to happen to theirs, and we like to construct this fairy tale belief that we have this measure of control over our lives and that of our children. But the reality remains that I need someone to talk to for me. I need to be able to talk about Amanda and how I am hurting. How I don't know what my purpose is and I just feel so lost. I don't know how to let go of someone I never wanted to nor imagined having to let go of. To let go of her, whatever that looks like, feels like a betrayal of the love I have for her. I'm just so sad, but if anyone asks me, "I'm 'fine.'" Why open myself up to people who A. would feel uncomfortable if I really opened up and B. can't really understand anyway. I hope I hear back from the church soon. 

Melancholy

I've been in the dumps for the last few days.  As the summer is once again coming to a close and with schools starting back up all around us, I feel like there is this constant ticking of the clock. Seasons changing. Amanda's 20th birthday approaching. The holidays just around the corner. Tick, tick, tick...further and further away from when Amanda was here with me. And I know I should think about it as being that much closer to being with Amanda again...

I don't know how we should celebrate her birthday. Maybe I will make her a cake. It's all so depressing. Sometimes it still just seems unreal...my baby, dead. I have never heard back from the lady from New Life House about setting something up where people can donate money in Amanda's memory for December 11. In just a few short days she will have been gone eight months. Most days I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, doing what I have to do to get through this 24-hour period. Nothing really makes me happy. Now Ann is coming back home from the nursing home on hospice. I really never thought that would happen. I didn't think she would last that long and then I get angry. I guess it's angry at God. I mean WHY prolong the life of someone who will never have quality of life and not heal someone (Amanda) when it was totally within his power to do so? I mean if she was never going to have the life I wanted for her, I mean He's GOD, he could change all of that, too. I guess I am not meant to know these things and I know he has his reasons.  I sure don't get it, though.

It's also been hard being at the Wesley with students getting ready to come back. The further in this grief journey I go, the more I tend to push everyone away. We had our last Grief Care meeting last night. It just was not what I wanted it to be. All we did last night was I fixed dinner for us all and we watched Courageous. Very emotional movie. I want to move forward...I want to feel better..but at the same time, I feel like getting there means I'm that much further from when Amanda was here, and I know that translates into letting her go, and that just feels wrong. How? How do I let my child go? I'm so miserable. I'm so mad. I just want my life back and I can never have it back again. 

Strange occurrences

This morning I woke up hearing Amanda calling me. What makes this unique is it's the 2nd time this has happened, the last time at home, this time at the Wesley. I was sleeping on the couch and hear Amanda. I don't know how to explain how it sounded other than she was right there but far away. "Mama....mama..........mama!"  I woke up and looked around, listened for anything to explain what I heard. Nothing. The only other occurrence I can liken it to is the night my mom passed. I had been sleeping and in the middle of another dream when everything in my dream went black and I heard my mom calling out to me. Then, too, she sounded like she was right there but far away.

A second strange thing happened today. I was at the coffee maker getting coffee when the screen on my phone went on, on my pictures and was the picture of the back of my new shirt that said, "The hardest thing I ever heard was that my child died.  The hardest thing I've ever done is live every day since then."  I love you and miss you, too, Amanda.