Melancholy

I've been in the dumps for the last few days.  As the summer is once again coming to a close and with schools starting back up all around us, I feel like there is this constant ticking of the clock. Seasons changing. Amanda's 20th birthday approaching. The holidays just around the corner. Tick, tick, tick...further and further away from when Amanda was here with me. And I know I should think about it as being that much closer to being with Amanda again...

I don't know how we should celebrate her birthday. Maybe I will make her a cake. It's all so depressing. Sometimes it still just seems unreal...my baby, dead. I have never heard back from the lady from New Life House about setting something up where people can donate money in Amanda's memory for December 11. In just a few short days she will have been gone eight months. Most days I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels, doing what I have to do to get through this 24-hour period. Nothing really makes me happy. Now Ann is coming back home from the nursing home on hospice. I really never thought that would happen. I didn't think she would last that long and then I get angry. I guess it's angry at God. I mean WHY prolong the life of someone who will never have quality of life and not heal someone (Amanda) when it was totally within his power to do so? I mean if she was never going to have the life I wanted for her, I mean He's GOD, he could change all of that, too. I guess I am not meant to know these things and I know he has his reasons.  I sure don't get it, though.

It's also been hard being at the Wesley with students getting ready to come back. The further in this grief journey I go, the more I tend to push everyone away. We had our last Grief Care meeting last night. It just was not what I wanted it to be. All we did last night was I fixed dinner for us all and we watched Courageous. Very emotional movie. I want to move forward...I want to feel better..but at the same time, I feel like getting there means I'm that much further from when Amanda was here, and I know that translates into letting her go, and that just feels wrong. How? How do I let my child go? I'm so miserable. I'm so mad. I just want my life back and I can never have it back again.