This and that

Since ending the Grief Care group (which I was both relieved and disappointed about), I have felt this panic inside of me. I needed something; I needed counseling or to talk about Amanda. I felt that I was bush which gives the false appearance that I'm coping or doing well, but all it felt like was that I was playing ostrich or running as hard, far and fast as I could away from my grief as possible in order not to deal with it and hurt. But I AM hurting, and I also knew that my not dealing with it now would eventually come back to bite me in a big way. We avoid grieving because it's messy. It's painful. It's unpredictable and uncontrollable. Who wants to fling themselves into that?? But I knew I needed to.

I brought home the videos, books and workbooks so I could continue Beyond the Broken Heart on my own. I haven't heard back from Victory Life still but knew I needed to do something for me.  After I'd read and did a little, I went back through my daily GriefShare emails that I receive and resubscribed to them. In doing that, I decided to check and just see what the closest meeting was for me. I noticed that a brand new group was forming the very next day in Sherman. I asked Tim if he would at least go with me to the first one as I know once college starts back he will have a Bible study on Thursday nights. 

Last night we attended our first meeting and it was just what I needed. I felt relieved to be able to express my pain and struggles with people who weren't uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the commonalities of grief. This is different from The Compassionate Friends in that this group is not just for bereaved parents but for anyone who has lost someone. We were the only ones who had lost a child, but I could relate to the thoughts and feelings that others shared and what was said on the video. It was so nice to have that sense of community. I have work to do throughout the week and I know it will be difficult, but I am glad I took that step.

On a completely different note, I sure woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I had scheduled my install with my company to remotely access my new laptop and put in everything I will need to work from home and suddenly I am just pissed! I'm mad that I have to work from home at the kitchen table with 3 noisy/needy cats, a dog and have to change diapers on Ann all while trying to concentrate on work. I'm mad that I have to make these sacrifices and drag my equipment home and back weekly. I'm mad that I will have to move my laptop all over so it's not on the table and. I'm mad that we even have to live in this dinky house that has no place that I could actually work in a dedicated work spot. I'm PISSED! And yes, I do realize how childish I sound right now and frankly I'd like nothing more than to have a wall-eyed hissy fit complete with foot stomping. I'm sick of these circumstances and I guess if I got to the heart of the matter, I'm pissed that Ann is coming home at all which is necessitating this upsetting of my apple cart. 

So...I have to end on a good note after all of my complaining and that is that Michael started college today. He has three online classes to work himself back into it and texted earlier saying he's already done all of the assignments that he could until the 26th or so. I'm proud of him and taking the initiative on this. Wish I were there to cheer him on, but for now I will have to settle for doing it from afar.