Hey Erica,
I'm Amanda's mom. I just wanted to reach out to you, mother to mother. These last 10 months since Amanda died have been a nightmare for her dad and I. To have your child die, to never be able to hold their hand or hear their voice, to watch them become the person they were meant to be, to watch them get married and have children of their own...it's more than any parent should ever have to endure. Please hear me on this, I am NOT interested in getting you in trouble. I do pray for you and your son. I hope that if you aren't free of the drugs yet, that you can beat it for his sake...so you can turn your life around and be the mom and person you were born to be. I hope that now that you're free of Ryan, you'll be able to do just that. I'm begging you, mom to mom, to tell the detective anything Ryan told you about what happened that morning with/to Amanda. It haunts me day and night that I don't know what happened, and I'm pretty sure that if you were in my shoes and something happened to your son, you would want to know, too. I am begging you.
I'm Amanda's mom. I just wanted to reach out to you, mother to mother. These last 10 months since Amanda died have been a nightmare for her dad and I. To have your child die, to never be able to hold their hand or hear their voice, to watch them become the person they were meant to be, to watch them get married and have children of their own...it's more than any parent should ever have to endure. Please hear me on this, I am NOT interested in getting you in trouble. I do pray for you and your son. I hope that if you aren't free of the drugs yet, that you can beat it for his sake...so you can turn your life around and be the mom and person you were born to be. I hope that now that you're free of Ryan, you'll be able to do just that. I'm begging you, mom to mom, to tell the detective anything Ryan told you about what happened that morning with/to Amanda. It haunts me day and night that I don't know what happened, and I'm pretty sure that if you were in my shoes and something happened to your son, you would want to know, too. I am begging you.
Sunday 2:16pm
I must say, one, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It haunts me too, I think of Amanda almost everyday. I have gotten clean I have been clean now working on 5 months and part of my driving force is I try to live everyday to the best of my ability because I know that Amanda can't. I have seen a lot of bad things happen to people over the years of my crazy addiction. But, for some reason Amanda sticks out for me. I have sat and talked with Detective Bucy, and I don't know anything other than what I told him. Truthfully I couldn't tell you what happened while I was at work, and Ryan isn't going to tell me. I am free of him these days and don't plan on ever going near him again. I don't know what happened myself and it bothers me. I wish I knew more as far as what happened to her that morning. I hate that things are this way. I could not imagine the pain you and your family must have endured. Amanda will forever be with me the day she passed was my birthday. I will forever carry Amanda with me. I know nothing I am going to say is going to bring her back or fix things, and you are right I could not imagine burying one of my own. I have still been ravaging my brain looking for answers but I can't seem to find any. I am so sorry for the lose you and your family have endured if I think of something I will most definitely keep you updated.
My thoughts: I've taken a day to kind of digest this. I felt like she was being honest. I pray that she is clean and totally free of Ryan. I had been so angry, and part of me still is, but mostly I'm just sad. I see her not as the monster I wanted to see her as, but as a broken person, and drugs were the avenue her demons played out. I don't know what her brokenness stems from. The drugs are a symptom, not the source, but they add to the troubles when they promise to make things better. Another tool of Satan. She seems remorseful. I really wasn't sure how or if she would respond. I guess I thought she'd tell me where to go and how to get there. As for Ryan, I still feel that he did something to her. He was the one home with her. He was the one who would administer the heroin.
Thursday we have our sit-down with the detectives, and honestly I feel sick. I want to know, but I don't. I don't want to tell Dad whatever is said as he's already judged her based on her actions and fails to look past the actions to the root and try to understand the hurt that drove the demons. I'm not saying that to excuse her behavior. Every choice has a consequence, positive or negative. We see where hers went, but no matter her actions, she was and will always be our baby girl. Something Brandon Hatmaker said last night on our Explore God series was (paraphrasing), "My children didn't do anything to earn my love, and they can't do anything to lose it." That's the same way with God and it's what we were trying to tell Amanda all along...there was nothing she could do to push us away, to turn us away from her or make us not love her. Our love just was and it will remain.
I miss you, Sugarbear.
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