Silent Night

Yesterday Tim and I went to town and got our Christmas tree, ornaments and decorations out of storage. I at least wanted to attempt to decorate. I know I can't run and hide from these things forever. I need to face the memories that seeing the ornaments will dredge up. We decorated it together and I did the rest of the decorations and hung the stockings. I had found some mini owl ornaments at Walmart and bought them. I wrote 2014 on them and also remembered that we had bought an ornament in memory of Amanda when we were in Greenville for her service. We couldn't remember what the ornament was...it was just sort of a flash of us buying one as that was all such a blur, but I went into my bottom dresser drawer and found it as well as the angel ornament that my friend, Martha, had painted for me. We got it all out together without too many tears. There were some, of course, as we remembered certain memories attached to different ornaments and, of course, her putting the angel on the tree. We put a big red bow on the top and hung one of the mini owls from the bow to symbolize Amanda having always done the topper. We lost it a little bit afterwards. We just miss her so much. 

Later on I was straightening up and realized I hadn't seen Tim in a little while. I saw the light out in our room so thought he might be laying down, and he was , but he'd plugged in one of the digital picture frames and was looking at all of those pictures and crying. I laid down next to him and watched them, laughing at some but just holding his hand. We plugged in the other one and looked at those, too.

I guess because we had been listening to Christmas caroles and decorating the tree that in my sleep I wrote a poem about silent night, but of a different kind, about how loud silence can be, the absence of someone is so present. I should have written it down when I woke up but didn't; however, the basic idea of it wouldn't leave me alone. So this is for my Amanda:

SILENT NIGHT

It's another silent night
Wish you were here so I could hold you tight
Life goes on, but it doesn't feel right
Looks like another silent night.

I never knew silence could be so loud
I'm still marching on trying to make you proud
I strain to hear your voice, but I don't hear a sound
It's just another silent night.

Some days are worse than others and I'm crying in my bed
With memories and regrets playing in my head
In my dreams I hold you close, loving words we have said
Only to awaken from another silent night.

It's almost been a year since I held your hand
The weight of your loss makes it hard for me to stand
But my hope is in the One, and I'll see you again
After a few more silent nights.

Thanksgiving 2014

I was pretty ambivalent about even being present for Thanksgiving. I think part of me wanted to just stay in bed. But I had invited two of my aunts and an uncle over and while no one came, I still wanted to fix a nice meal for Tim and Dad. Tim helped me last night and today as my elbow is still hurt and it's really painful to do a lot.  Together we made for the first time ever the peanut butter balls that were Amanda's recipe that she had always asked us to make and never did. Today as We fixed food, I wore her blue Los Angeles t-shirt and her a pair of her funky knee high socks. We fixed spinach dip (for Michael and Amanda), a honey baked spiral sliced ham, Hawaiian rolls, vegetable salad, stuffing to which I added celery, red onion and cranberries, mashed potatoes and gravy, southern style green beans, deviled eggs, an apple pie, coffee cake and a dessert that I have no idea what it's called. It's supposed to be cherry pie filling on the bottom of a cake pan, then you pour a dry yellow cake mix over top and then slices of butter all over the top and bake, but Walmart was out of cherry so I did blueberry. It was good but not as good as the cherry.

Michael texted me a few times throughout the day. Linda sent me two pix of him zonked out on the couch. I was grateful that they invited him over. They all went to Rob and Christy's. Michael finally emailed me his RAOK which was really sweet and I added it to the blog.

Overall, it wasn't too terrible. I missed Amanda very much, but I also missed Michael very much, too. I missed our family...being a family of four. Having the opportunity to all be together under one roof...

On Tuesday Tim and I had the opportunity to go to New Life House where we are donating the money in memory of Amanda. It was bittersweet. I got to meet two of the girls/ladies who live there. I got to talk more to one and share our story some. I gave her a hug and even when I was ready to let go, she wasn't. I thanked her for being there, for her courage. I told her we just want to help in the hopes that even one family doesn't have to experience what we have and are. I set up a time on Dec. 11, to bring the donation check by, so it will be at 1 p.m.

Tomorrow Tim and I will go to storage and get our Christmas tree, ornaments, and decorations. I will try. I know I need to. Yes, it will be painful, but I can't hide from it to move forward, and I have to move forward. So even if I cry the whole time or have to do it in spurts, I will do it because Amanda loved Christmas, the lights and decorations and all of it. She loved when the tree was all decorated and we would turn out the lights in the living room and just have the tree lights on. Something very peaceful about that...and I need all of the peace I can get....all is calm. All is bright. Round yon virgin, mother and child.

Heading into the holidays...

So, this is "officially" my first Thanksgiving without Amanda being alive. Last Thanksgiving she was supposed to have come with us to have supper at the Wesley where I'd fixed food for the family. She hadn't wanted to go to begin with as she was afraid of judgment by certain family members for her drug use. We told her that it would be fine, that we wouldn't let anyone be ugly to her and that we would be there to support her at all times. She reluctantly agreed. That morning, however, she sent Tim a text saying she was going to Dallas with some "friends." Those friends turned out to be Ryan and Erika, and it turned out to be the first time she tried heroin. So Thanksgiving was the beginning of the fast track downward. Naturally, I have mixed emotions this Thanksgiving.

Still, I am fixing supper for Tim, Dad, and myself. My Aunt Sheila and Uncle Jack may come but it's uncertain. Aunt Kay will come if her other plans don't work out. Either way, we will have food. As I hurt my right elbow three months ago and it's too painful to lift stuff, Tim will be helping me this year with all of it.

Friday the 21st Tim and I went to the GriefShare dinner at Tuscan Slice in Sherman. Our whole class showed up, including the facilitator, Rex Brown's brother, Larry and his wife. Larry is a licensed professional counselor, and he gave a really nice talk.  We brought a collage picture of Amanda that I created and passed pictures around and told stories of our loved ones. It was a really nice time of fellowship and bonding.

Saturday we had a make-up GriefShare class with Surviving the Holidays immediately following. I feel the onslaught of tears building. I did cry and talked about my anger that "family" members are non-supportive of the things we are trying to do in Amanda's memory. It makes me feel betrayed. Thus, I do not want to see certain people when we go home for Christmas. I was specifically told by one SIL that "they decline my solicit" for the fundraiser for New Life House in Amanda's memory. This particular one probably has 20 purses and 50 pairs of shoes and I'm estimating on the very low end. They take vacations more than anyone I know and are at bars very, very frequently. I say all of this to illustrate that donating a lousy dollar just to show support would not be breaking the bank.

Sunday after church we went to the Calera UMC church where we have friends and had lunch with their congregation. Afterwards we went in and Tim helped decorate the Christmas tree in the sanctuary. Just seeing the angel on the top of the tree brought the memories flooding back. Our old sorry angel that we had forever...then when we were finally going to get another one, I told Amanda she could pick out the new tree topper. She picked out this big acrylic angel who was flying with some sort of horn. It was big and heavy and I tried to talk her out of it, but she thought it beautiful, and so we bought it. Every year we would put it up and it would make the top of the tree sag and it would make us laugh. Before we moved, we ended up selling it in a yard sale, and I'd give anything to have that back now.

Sunday for youth we delivered food boxes for needy families in our youth group. Tim and I had separated out all of the food that was collected and then went to the grocery store to buy things to make up the difference. I wasn't going to go with them to deliver the boxes. I'd stayed at the Wesley. My arm was aching really bad as I'd hurt it further the other night, and my heart was just really hurting with the memories. I did end up going, however, just not as a driver and we ended up at Krysta and Dawson's house (the kids we bought food and clothes for a few weeks back). After that we were doing the same thing with the Wesley kids, but only one family. They went with Tim in the van and delivered that box.  It was nice to see these college kids, who struggle financially anyway, pull together to bless another family.

After they all got back, we were discussing upcoming plans for the Wesley prior to Christmas, and we were talking about watching Christmas movies, and multiple times Jingle All the Way came up. Tim and I locked eyes as he knew that would tug at me. That's the movie we all watched as a family December 8, 2013, over at Amanda's apartment when we were in the middle of that ice storm and spending time with her just to love on her and support her.  That sort of breached the dam for me and I sobbed nearly the whole way home. I miss her so much. I miss that she won't be here to decorate the tree, for me to buy gifts for, to hear her sing Christmas carols, for her to ask me to sing Drummer Boy, to ask for spinach dip, to ask for snickerdoodles and all of the other goodies, to sneak and try to guess which gifts are hers.

All of those years just pass by in a flash. The kids waking us up before the crack of dawn (2, 3, 4, 5 a.m.) wanting to open gifts. Hearing them out there shaking this and peeking in their stockings. Us acting all put out and groaning as we get out of bed but secretly loving it. Putting on coffee and Amanda and I having a cup. Fixing breakfast for everyone and then getting started on Christmas dinner. I'd even take the annual arguing or griping over the screaming silence in the absence of it all.

My friend, Stacey Brinson Platt, who is also a grieving momma over her son, Caleb, said something today that resonated deeply with me:

"A person who is grieving the way we are doesn't want pity, we want people to just remember our children always. And if a person sends you a text, email or calls you or gives you a hug, that helps us know they remember them too!"

Whether anyone else in my supposed family remembers Amanda or will speak her name, Tim and I will for the rest of our lives.

I've also been so worried about Michael. He's been really depressed to the point that his roommate, John Huffman, messaged me as well.  He's lonely. He misses us. He's had trouble with this girl that he really liked. She was addicted to a bunch of crap back in PA and then moved to NC and was clean for 8 months. I feel like he's trying to "save" her as a substitute for his sister. I told him that this is not Amanda and that he may feel some sense of false guilt for being the big brother and feeling like he was supposed to protect her and "failed." I reminded him that as much as it sucks that she's not here, she made bad choices that she had to suffer the consequences for, and that resulted in her death. I've just been calling and/or texting him daily telling him I love him. I'm counting the days until I get to see him again. It's been too long until I've seen him. He misses being able to come by our house, having dinner, seeing us, just having that opportunity to see us when he wants to. I feel tremendously guilty for not being there and it makes me feel so torn. I already don't like living here but can't leave Dad and then there's Tim's ministry. Sigh. I will have to start going to see him even more often. Losing Amanda makes me terrified of losing Mike, too.

So that's what's been going on in my life. 

Random Musings

I haven't posted in a little bit. I've had a chance to look over more of the stuff the detectives brought us. I think I want to check out Amanda's other Facebook page that had more of her other lifestyle on it, but I don't know. Maybe it's still denial, but how can that be? I mean, I know she died of a heroin overdose. While she was fairly new at it, she definitely wasn't a first-timer. And we know she'd used other drugs as well. I guess it's my heart that's having a hard time accepting that was a part of her lifestyle.

I guess now that the investigation is over and I have nothing else to "do" about her death, I'm just sad.  I miss her. I miss her laughter. I miss her singing. I miss who she could be if only she'd seen her own value. 

The account we set up at First Texoma has only had 2 donations made to it that weren't ours, Ms. Susu and Michelle. What. The. Heck?!  I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am, and that's probably what annoys me the most, that I'm still surprised after all of these years.  John said they'd make a donation to another recovery place in her memory (great but that's not what we were specifically asking for), and then Linda said they were going to donate to an animal shelter or something like that because Amanda loved animals so much, also great but not what we were asking for. Nothing from my brother, Jennifer, Christy and Rob, Kelly and Michael, nothing. And it's not that they aren't financially able to. They take vacations out the wazzoo, buy this, that and the other, go to bars very frequently, and out to eat all the time. I mean, come on, you won't put in $1? $5?  Gimme a break!!  It just annoys me to no end. These people who want to give lip service to "loving" Amanda, and then the one thing we are asking people to do in her memory, to help other people who are striving to break free from the lifestyle that claimed her life, and they won't do it. What, too busy? Don't think about it? Whatever. And then I'm supposed to go back to NC at Christmas and play nice with these hypocrites.  I know others can't donate, and that's totally fine and absolutely acceptable. This is supposed to be "family," and they HAVE money and choose not to.  Makes. Me. Sick!

We've gone through storage some more gathering up more of her t-shirts so I can attempt to have them turned into a quilt. I've also grabbed out two tubs of her clothes to go through.  There is a family that we helped recently. They had nothing. There are three kids involved. I gave the girl some of Amanda's "stay-at-home" socks...the fuzzy ones that keep your feet toasty. We'd gotten her some the Christmas before she passed, so I was able to give Krysta about three pair.  We also gave that family 4 of Amanda's comforters. I gave Krysta Amanda's turquoise one. She was so excited about it. We went to her room and put it on her bed right away. We gave them the purple one that looked sort of tie-dyed. We gave them the one that had been given to her by a friend that was multi-colored and the one that was super warm, hot pink on one side and green on the other. (I'm only putting these details in for my own memory sake).  I got Amanda's jacket out that I'd bought her the week she died and gave that to Jackie Nichols last night. She loved it and it fit her well. I also gave her a few tops that I never wear but were in perfect condition. She tried one on and wore it the rest of the night. I also gave her one of Amanda's nicer tops that she didn't like anymore and had given it to me, but I didn't care for it either and it had just been taking up space in my closet. Might as well give the stuff to needy people, and I know Amanda would have approved of it all. I have the two tubs of her clothes in the back of my car right now and will go through it and decide if there's more I can give to Jackie or others. 

We had bought some groceries for Krysta's family and then when I dropped them off, I picked up Krysta and we went to Wal-Mart. Tim and I and the Caddo pastor had talked about helping these kids out already. I had a ball with Krysta. She had such a great attitude. She's 12 years old, tall for her age, and skinny as a rail. Because of this, she had to try on all of her pants and she did everything with a smile. Saturday we did the same thing for her two brothers. Besides regular clothes, we made sure they each had warm pajamas, socks, underwear, winter coats, gloves, and hats. We bought them each a new backpack as well. Overall we spent over $600 on them for the clothes and about $120-something for the food. It made us feel so good to pour into this family who had nothing. These kids were so grateful for everything and so excited about everything they got.  We've had people help us over the years when we've struggled, and it was such a blessing to be able to pay it forward. I was so glad they would now be warm at school, at home and in their beds. The trailer that they rent is a shambles. It breaks my heart that they live like that and it made my heart smile to be able to let them know that someone cares, we see them, we understand their needs. That's what God asks us to do. To open our eyes to what's around us, to who is around us, to situations, to lives. We can't help everyone and do everything, but we can help one (or more) and we can do something!