Heading into the holidays...

So, this is "officially" my first Thanksgiving without Amanda being alive. Last Thanksgiving she was supposed to have come with us to have supper at the Wesley where I'd fixed food for the family. She hadn't wanted to go to begin with as she was afraid of judgment by certain family members for her drug use. We told her that it would be fine, that we wouldn't let anyone be ugly to her and that we would be there to support her at all times. She reluctantly agreed. That morning, however, she sent Tim a text saying she was going to Dallas with some "friends." Those friends turned out to be Ryan and Erika, and it turned out to be the first time she tried heroin. So Thanksgiving was the beginning of the fast track downward. Naturally, I have mixed emotions this Thanksgiving.

Still, I am fixing supper for Tim, Dad, and myself. My Aunt Sheila and Uncle Jack may come but it's uncertain. Aunt Kay will come if her other plans don't work out. Either way, we will have food. As I hurt my right elbow three months ago and it's too painful to lift stuff, Tim will be helping me this year with all of it.

Friday the 21st Tim and I went to the GriefShare dinner at Tuscan Slice in Sherman. Our whole class showed up, including the facilitator, Rex Brown's brother, Larry and his wife. Larry is a licensed professional counselor, and he gave a really nice talk.  We brought a collage picture of Amanda that I created and passed pictures around and told stories of our loved ones. It was a really nice time of fellowship and bonding.

Saturday we had a make-up GriefShare class with Surviving the Holidays immediately following. I feel the onslaught of tears building. I did cry and talked about my anger that "family" members are non-supportive of the things we are trying to do in Amanda's memory. It makes me feel betrayed. Thus, I do not want to see certain people when we go home for Christmas. I was specifically told by one SIL that "they decline my solicit" for the fundraiser for New Life House in Amanda's memory. This particular one probably has 20 purses and 50 pairs of shoes and I'm estimating on the very low end. They take vacations more than anyone I know and are at bars very, very frequently. I say all of this to illustrate that donating a lousy dollar just to show support would not be breaking the bank.

Sunday after church we went to the Calera UMC church where we have friends and had lunch with their congregation. Afterwards we went in and Tim helped decorate the Christmas tree in the sanctuary. Just seeing the angel on the top of the tree brought the memories flooding back. Our old sorry angel that we had forever...then when we were finally going to get another one, I told Amanda she could pick out the new tree topper. She picked out this big acrylic angel who was flying with some sort of horn. It was big and heavy and I tried to talk her out of it, but she thought it beautiful, and so we bought it. Every year we would put it up and it would make the top of the tree sag and it would make us laugh. Before we moved, we ended up selling it in a yard sale, and I'd give anything to have that back now.

Sunday for youth we delivered food boxes for needy families in our youth group. Tim and I had separated out all of the food that was collected and then went to the grocery store to buy things to make up the difference. I wasn't going to go with them to deliver the boxes. I'd stayed at the Wesley. My arm was aching really bad as I'd hurt it further the other night, and my heart was just really hurting with the memories. I did end up going, however, just not as a driver and we ended up at Krysta and Dawson's house (the kids we bought food and clothes for a few weeks back). After that we were doing the same thing with the Wesley kids, but only one family. They went with Tim in the van and delivered that box.  It was nice to see these college kids, who struggle financially anyway, pull together to bless another family.

After they all got back, we were discussing upcoming plans for the Wesley prior to Christmas, and we were talking about watching Christmas movies, and multiple times Jingle All the Way came up. Tim and I locked eyes as he knew that would tug at me. That's the movie we all watched as a family December 8, 2013, over at Amanda's apartment when we were in the middle of that ice storm and spending time with her just to love on her and support her.  That sort of breached the dam for me and I sobbed nearly the whole way home. I miss her so much. I miss that she won't be here to decorate the tree, for me to buy gifts for, to hear her sing Christmas carols, for her to ask me to sing Drummer Boy, to ask for spinach dip, to ask for snickerdoodles and all of the other goodies, to sneak and try to guess which gifts are hers.

All of those years just pass by in a flash. The kids waking us up before the crack of dawn (2, 3, 4, 5 a.m.) wanting to open gifts. Hearing them out there shaking this and peeking in their stockings. Us acting all put out and groaning as we get out of bed but secretly loving it. Putting on coffee and Amanda and I having a cup. Fixing breakfast for everyone and then getting started on Christmas dinner. I'd even take the annual arguing or griping over the screaming silence in the absence of it all.

My friend, Stacey Brinson Platt, who is also a grieving momma over her son, Caleb, said something today that resonated deeply with me:

"A person who is grieving the way we are doesn't want pity, we want people to just remember our children always. And if a person sends you a text, email or calls you or gives you a hug, that helps us know they remember them too!"

Whether anyone else in my supposed family remembers Amanda or will speak her name, Tim and I will for the rest of our lives.

I've also been so worried about Michael. He's been really depressed to the point that his roommate, John Huffman, messaged me as well.  He's lonely. He misses us. He's had trouble with this girl that he really liked. She was addicted to a bunch of crap back in PA and then moved to NC and was clean for 8 months. I feel like he's trying to "save" her as a substitute for his sister. I told him that this is not Amanda and that he may feel some sense of false guilt for being the big brother and feeling like he was supposed to protect her and "failed." I reminded him that as much as it sucks that she's not here, she made bad choices that she had to suffer the consequences for, and that resulted in her death. I've just been calling and/or texting him daily telling him I love him. I'm counting the days until I get to see him again. It's been too long until I've seen him. He misses being able to come by our house, having dinner, seeing us, just having that opportunity to see us when he wants to. I feel tremendously guilty for not being there and it makes me feel so torn. I already don't like living here but can't leave Dad and then there's Tim's ministry. Sigh. I will have to start going to see him even more often. Losing Amanda makes me terrified of losing Mike, too.

So that's what's been going on in my life.