Random Musings

I haven't posted in a little bit. I've had a chance to look over more of the stuff the detectives brought us. I think I want to check out Amanda's other Facebook page that had more of her other lifestyle on it, but I don't know. Maybe it's still denial, but how can that be? I mean, I know she died of a heroin overdose. While she was fairly new at it, she definitely wasn't a first-timer. And we know she'd used other drugs as well. I guess it's my heart that's having a hard time accepting that was a part of her lifestyle.

I guess now that the investigation is over and I have nothing else to "do" about her death, I'm just sad.  I miss her. I miss her laughter. I miss her singing. I miss who she could be if only she'd seen her own value. 

The account we set up at First Texoma has only had 2 donations made to it that weren't ours, Ms. Susu and Michelle. What. The. Heck?!  I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am, and that's probably what annoys me the most, that I'm still surprised after all of these years.  John said they'd make a donation to another recovery place in her memory (great but that's not what we were specifically asking for), and then Linda said they were going to donate to an animal shelter or something like that because Amanda loved animals so much, also great but not what we were asking for. Nothing from my brother, Jennifer, Christy and Rob, Kelly and Michael, nothing. And it's not that they aren't financially able to. They take vacations out the wazzoo, buy this, that and the other, go to bars very frequently, and out to eat all the time. I mean, come on, you won't put in $1? $5?  Gimme a break!!  It just annoys me to no end. These people who want to give lip service to "loving" Amanda, and then the one thing we are asking people to do in her memory, to help other people who are striving to break free from the lifestyle that claimed her life, and they won't do it. What, too busy? Don't think about it? Whatever. And then I'm supposed to go back to NC at Christmas and play nice with these hypocrites.  I know others can't donate, and that's totally fine and absolutely acceptable. This is supposed to be "family," and they HAVE money and choose not to.  Makes. Me. Sick!

We've gone through storage some more gathering up more of her t-shirts so I can attempt to have them turned into a quilt. I've also grabbed out two tubs of her clothes to go through.  There is a family that we helped recently. They had nothing. There are three kids involved. I gave the girl some of Amanda's "stay-at-home" socks...the fuzzy ones that keep your feet toasty. We'd gotten her some the Christmas before she passed, so I was able to give Krysta about three pair.  We also gave that family 4 of Amanda's comforters. I gave Krysta Amanda's turquoise one. She was so excited about it. We went to her room and put it on her bed right away. We gave them the purple one that looked sort of tie-dyed. We gave them the one that had been given to her by a friend that was multi-colored and the one that was super warm, hot pink on one side and green on the other. (I'm only putting these details in for my own memory sake).  I got Amanda's jacket out that I'd bought her the week she died and gave that to Jackie Nichols last night. She loved it and it fit her well. I also gave her a few tops that I never wear but were in perfect condition. She tried one on and wore it the rest of the night. I also gave her one of Amanda's nicer tops that she didn't like anymore and had given it to me, but I didn't care for it either and it had just been taking up space in my closet. Might as well give the stuff to needy people, and I know Amanda would have approved of it all. I have the two tubs of her clothes in the back of my car right now and will go through it and decide if there's more I can give to Jackie or others. 

We had bought some groceries for Krysta's family and then when I dropped them off, I picked up Krysta and we went to Wal-Mart. Tim and I and the Caddo pastor had talked about helping these kids out already. I had a ball with Krysta. She had such a great attitude. She's 12 years old, tall for her age, and skinny as a rail. Because of this, she had to try on all of her pants and she did everything with a smile. Saturday we did the same thing for her two brothers. Besides regular clothes, we made sure they each had warm pajamas, socks, underwear, winter coats, gloves, and hats. We bought them each a new backpack as well. Overall we spent over $600 on them for the clothes and about $120-something for the food. It made us feel so good to pour into this family who had nothing. These kids were so grateful for everything and so excited about everything they got.  We've had people help us over the years when we've struggled, and it was such a blessing to be able to pay it forward. I was so glad they would now be warm at school, at home and in their beds. The trailer that they rent is a shambles. It breaks my heart that they live like that and it made my heart smile to be able to let them know that someone cares, we see them, we understand their needs. That's what God asks us to do. To open our eyes to what's around us, to who is around us, to situations, to lives. We can't help everyone and do everything, but we can help one (or more) and we can do something!