My roller coaster experience of losing our 19-year-old daughter and walking through all that entails.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Busyness and grumpy
So much has been going on that I haven't felt like I've had the time to even post. I've sold several books. I went to Jen's church in Calera last Sunday (November 1) to be part of the service. She was talking about life after death and after reading my book, she knew I'd had several experiences with Amanda and even prior, with my mom, so she had me sit up front with her and she asked me questions. Tim went with me and videotaped it. I think I did pretty well. Then the next day I had a television interview with KXII. That was VERY brief. Tim went with me to support me with that, too. Aaron Bucy was there. Everything seemed to go fairly well until the cameraman distracted me and right then they asked me where people could find the book, and I froze. Thank goodness the camera wasn't on me at that time, but it was obvious that my mind had gone blank....sigh. Lesson learned. I have another interview on Friday with KTEN and this time I'm going to bring a note card with the websites where people can purchase the book! Tuesday we have a student coming over from Southeastern to interview us for the college newspaper. It's not like the main newspaper for town, but at least it's exposure.
We were SUPPOSED to go to Bullard, Texas on Friday for the Red, White & Blue Festival where Aaron was going to be there with myself and two other authors. I had purchased 50 books to have available for sale. Tim and I were so excited...we were finally going to get away, even if it was just overnight. So, we're on our way there, in Anna, Texas, and I saw I had a text from Aaron....the event was canceled....flooding overnight caused the place to be too wet. So, we had to cancel our hotel reservations and instead we went to Sherman for me to renew my glasses.
God protected us, though, in us not going to Bullard. Saturday when I went to start my car, my check engine light and traction light came on and stayed on. Also, my cruise control light was blinking at me when I tried to turn it on and set it. Sooooo, I followed Tim in his truck and we dropped my car off in Sherman at the Toyota place to be worked on. I'd rather have that happen when we were at home than 4 hours away. God knew it was going to happen!
Friday before we headed out of town, though, we stopped and ate brunch at IHOP. A song came on and I just busted out crying! This song, "Say Something," is one I associate with Amanda being nonresponsive in the hospital. There's this one part that says, "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." and it tears me up. Not that I knew she was dying or where she was to be able to get to her, but it's a momma's heart to always want to protect their children, and I wasn't able to protect her, to save her. Anyway, it sort of caught me off-guard me having that reaction...was like a punch in the gut. I just sat there crying in the middle of IHOP. I've been more aware lately anyways with the holidays approaching that it's almost been two years since Amanda died and so I've been more emotional.
I've also been more stressed about living here, not in Oklahoma, per se, but that Tim and I have no privacy, no "our space," nothing that's really ours. I hate how junky this house is, how junky it stays. I hate the clutter. I don't like how tiny our room is and I'm just picking at stuff. It's probably just because of my nerves being more frayed lately, but it's just really getting old. I miss Tim and I having our space, our being able to have down time the way/when we want to without being on anyone else's scheduled. For instance, and this really annoyed me today, Dad informed me that Ann's brother is coming for a visit tomorrow...I'm SUPPOSED to be working tomorrow...I know it's good her brother wants to see her and all that, but it's like there is no consideration, zero, to my obligation to be working. I felt like if someone is supposed to come visit, HE should stay home instead of going bowling so that HE can visit with them or whatever needed to be done instead of him going bowling and me having my work interrupted AGAIN, as if it isn't all day every Monday and Wednesday with the dogs, the cats, the nurses, etc. I don't have an office space or room that I could close off...I'm right in the flipping dining/living room. Sigh...I feel taken for granted, like my time is not valued the same as others'. I need some space. I need some peace. I was so looking forward to having that, even temporarily with the hotel night away...
We were SUPPOSED to go to Bullard, Texas on Friday for the Red, White & Blue Festival where Aaron was going to be there with myself and two other authors. I had purchased 50 books to have available for sale. Tim and I were so excited...we were finally going to get away, even if it was just overnight. So, we're on our way there, in Anna, Texas, and I saw I had a text from Aaron....the event was canceled....flooding overnight caused the place to be too wet. So, we had to cancel our hotel reservations and instead we went to Sherman for me to renew my glasses.
God protected us, though, in us not going to Bullard. Saturday when I went to start my car, my check engine light and traction light came on and stayed on. Also, my cruise control light was blinking at me when I tried to turn it on and set it. Sooooo, I followed Tim in his truck and we dropped my car off in Sherman at the Toyota place to be worked on. I'd rather have that happen when we were at home than 4 hours away. God knew it was going to happen!
Friday before we headed out of town, though, we stopped and ate brunch at IHOP. A song came on and I just busted out crying! This song, "Say Something," is one I associate with Amanda being nonresponsive in the hospital. There's this one part that says, "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." and it tears me up. Not that I knew she was dying or where she was to be able to get to her, but it's a momma's heart to always want to protect their children, and I wasn't able to protect her, to save her. Anyway, it sort of caught me off-guard me having that reaction...was like a punch in the gut. I just sat there crying in the middle of IHOP. I've been more aware lately anyways with the holidays approaching that it's almost been two years since Amanda died and so I've been more emotional.
I've also been more stressed about living here, not in Oklahoma, per se, but that Tim and I have no privacy, no "our space," nothing that's really ours. I hate how junky this house is, how junky it stays. I hate the clutter. I don't like how tiny our room is and I'm just picking at stuff. It's probably just because of my nerves being more frayed lately, but it's just really getting old. I miss Tim and I having our space, our being able to have down time the way/when we want to without being on anyone else's scheduled. For instance, and this really annoyed me today, Dad informed me that Ann's brother is coming for a visit tomorrow...I'm SUPPOSED to be working tomorrow...I know it's good her brother wants to see her and all that, but it's like there is no consideration, zero, to my obligation to be working. I felt like if someone is supposed to come visit, HE should stay home instead of going bowling so that HE can visit with them or whatever needed to be done instead of him going bowling and me having my work interrupted AGAIN, as if it isn't all day every Monday and Wednesday with the dogs, the cats, the nurses, etc. I don't have an office space or room that I could close off...I'm right in the flipping dining/living room. Sigh...I feel taken for granted, like my time is not valued the same as others'. I need some space. I need some peace. I was so looking forward to having that, even temporarily with the hotel night away...
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Emotional
I've been a bit emotional the last few days. I can't totally put my finger on it. It's been cumulative of several small things....the seasons changing, I've hurt my left foot and right knee attempting to jog and so I'm out of doing that for a while (I think I actually have "duck feet" so that may be why - I had to wear braces on my feet/legs as a child and maybe they didn't work??...we got a new dog (Jax) and it made me sad that as big of a lover of animals Amanda was, she wasn't here to meet him/love on him...my book is I guess selling okay...I want it to do well as I want it to help others, but at the same time it's hard to think about it as the only reason there IS a book is because our baby girl is in Heaven....then last night I heard back after several months from a lady I'd asked about making a T-shirt quilt for me from Amanda's T-shirts. I took those out of Tim's dresser where they've been for months. I've wanted to get this done and yet, as silly as it may seem to some, the thought of those shirts being cut up for any reason upsets me. One more tangible thing that was Amanda's and I'm letting them go, even if it's to turn them into something wonderful in her memory. I never would have worn them, but still it was hard to part with them. I did take pictures of all of them last night and met with her today. For the back, I need to look for a queen-size sheet with owls on it, sort of whimsical, if I can find one Tim and I agree on.
Aaron Bucy contacted me tonight...my book is ready in paperback for sale. I will receive two free ones based on our contract and we ordered 18 more. One I know I'll give to Michael, Linda, and Ms. Trudy. Several others want to buy one. Anyway, it's exciting and saddening at the same time. Aaron is going to contact a news station for them to interview me.
I guess that's it...shed some tears today. I also cried when I had to throw away one of the candles at the Wesley that were ones we'd bought for Amanda for her apartment....made me sad...another thing gone.
Aaron Bucy contacted me tonight...my book is ready in paperback for sale. I will receive two free ones based on our contract and we ordered 18 more. One I know I'll give to Michael, Linda, and Ms. Trudy. Several others want to buy one. Anyway, it's exciting and saddening at the same time. Aaron is going to contact a news station for them to interview me.
I guess that's it...shed some tears today. I also cried when I had to throw away one of the candles at the Wesley that were ones we'd bought for Amanda for her apartment....made me sad...another thing gone.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Amanda's 21st birthday, Sunday, September 27, 2015.
It really was a beautiful day. I had been in a bit of a funk (not too terrible) a few days before, but that's normal. Saturday I stayed in bed quite a bit, just sad.
Sunday had a beautiful blue sky dotted with clouds and a slight breeze. We had bought a helium tank that included ribbon and some extra balloons so that we didn't have to purchase any more. After church we went to McDonald's, in honor of Amanda, and shared some chicken McNuggets (her favorite). Afterward, we drove out to Lake Texoma.
When we got there, Tim and I tag-teamed, as usual. I was cutting the ribbons and holding the balloons together as he got them ready, blowing them up, tying them, and the ribbon. It was HOT, and I laughed that Amanda would be griping that it was too hot out. At first there didn't seem to be a breeze, but as we were getting closer to releasing, a gentle breeze began.
When they were all assembled, with the big owl in the center that said "Who Loves You Baby?" we sang happy birthday to her (recorded this), and released the balloons. It was pretty emotional but we did pretty well.
The funny part came when as the balloons were ascending, the owl balloon, which was tied by a toe, didn't ascend ahead of the others despite there being more helium in that one and being the biggest. Instead, it was at the bottom of the bunch, upside down, looking like it was being dragged by his toe. That made me laugh. Wasn't quite how it was supposed to work out, but that's ok. I'm sure if God gave Amanda a window, she would have laughed about it, too.
We watched until they were essentially out of sight and then left. I went back to the Wesley after dropping Tim off at church. I took a nap, but before I could, all of these memories of birthday parties for Amanda started flooding my mind. I remembered writing on her birthday cakes, decorating the trailer while she napped or was out playing so I could surprise her. Those memories were beautiful and yet also brought tears to my eyes. My sweet baby girl.
I was sort of on edge all day...little things were quick to get on my nerves. I knew it was because of the day. I still was able to do youth and Jody made her best effort to get me out of my funk.
We've started doing Couch 2 5k a week ago today. I've seen slight improvements but am not beating myself up about my slow progress, either. At least I'm moving and it's helping me to feel better that I'm doing something positive along with changing my eating habits to take care of me.
I finished editing my book on the 27th, appropriate that it's about grieving Amanda's loss and it's complete on her birthday. We'll see what happens with it. I sent it to the publisher/Aaron Bucy. It's in God's hands. I just want others to get something positive out of it, mostly hope.
Sunday had a beautiful blue sky dotted with clouds and a slight breeze. We had bought a helium tank that included ribbon and some extra balloons so that we didn't have to purchase any more. After church we went to McDonald's, in honor of Amanda, and shared some chicken McNuggets (her favorite). Afterward, we drove out to Lake Texoma.
When we got there, Tim and I tag-teamed, as usual. I was cutting the ribbons and holding the balloons together as he got them ready, blowing them up, tying them, and the ribbon. It was HOT, and I laughed that Amanda would be griping that it was too hot out. At first there didn't seem to be a breeze, but as we were getting closer to releasing, a gentle breeze began.
When they were all assembled, with the big owl in the center that said "Who Loves You Baby?" we sang happy birthday to her (recorded this), and released the balloons. It was pretty emotional but we did pretty well.
The funny part came when as the balloons were ascending, the owl balloon, which was tied by a toe, didn't ascend ahead of the others despite there being more helium in that one and being the biggest. Instead, it was at the bottom of the bunch, upside down, looking like it was being dragged by his toe. That made me laugh. Wasn't quite how it was supposed to work out, but that's ok. I'm sure if God gave Amanda a window, she would have laughed about it, too.
We watched until they were essentially out of sight and then left. I went back to the Wesley after dropping Tim off at church. I took a nap, but before I could, all of these memories of birthday parties for Amanda started flooding my mind. I remembered writing on her birthday cakes, decorating the trailer while she napped or was out playing so I could surprise her. Those memories were beautiful and yet also brought tears to my eyes. My sweet baby girl.
I was sort of on edge all day...little things were quick to get on my nerves. I knew it was because of the day. I still was able to do youth and Jody made her best effort to get me out of my funk.
We've started doing Couch 2 5k a week ago today. I've seen slight improvements but am not beating myself up about my slow progress, either. At least I'm moving and it's helping me to feel better that I'm doing something positive along with changing my eating habits to take care of me.
I finished editing my book on the 27th, appropriate that it's about grieving Amanda's loss and it's complete on her birthday. We'll see what happens with it. I sent it to the publisher/Aaron Bucy. It's in God's hands. I just want others to get something positive out of it, mostly hope.
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Big Changes
So....I've been helping Tim with youth this semester. To be honest, I really didn't want to. I wanted to pull away some...But God had other plans for me and I'm so glad He did!
For the last almost 3 years of helping with youth, I've felt a lot of pressure in being a leader, whether that was self-induced pressure or not. This year, though, we have a lot of help! I'm in a group of leaders for the junior high girls, which is different for me (I have traditionally done senior high girls). I have Shelby, Jody, and Jean with me, so I don't feel so much of the pressure to do it all of have all of the answers or have it all together. It's been FANTASTIC! Not only are we our own accountability group, but the strengths each one brings complements another's.
Tim has been challenging us (the youth and leaders) lately to make being with God a habit that we pursue. This really spoke to me in that we are only as close to God as we want to be. Convicted! I've been the worst about picking up my Bible to take it to church and not picking it up again until the next Sunday. I really wanted to take this seriously....to purpose to draw closer to God and not solely in prayer. I needed to get into His word. I downloaded the First 5 app from Proverbs 31 Ministries, whose purpose is for us to give God our first moments of the day through a quick devotional and Scripture reading. It asks questions at the end to ponder, etc. I also downloaded the You Version Bible Study app and have started 3 Bible studies in that. This time with God has been transformative!! Just starting my day out with time with God in His word has filled my soul with peace that covers me all day. Not only that, but there was one scripture that really hit home with me, Genesis 7:5, "And Noah was obedient with all God commanded him." ALL, that's the word that got me. He didn't just pick or choose the easy parts or the fun parts, or what he felt like at a given time. ALL. This also convicted me.
I knew for a while that God's been wanting me to do my part to reconcile with Michelle W. but I'd been stomping my foot at him telling him No. I didn't want to. I felt "justified" in my feelings. As part of one of my devotionals, also, I'd come across a story that made me think...it was about how we often only want to be used by God in the way WE want to, not necessarily in the way God wants to use us. I realized I was guilty of that at times and began to pray. I wanted God to be able to use me in any way He saw fit, even in the hard stuff. Well....later that day God gave me a chance to put that to the test and it involved Michelle. My initial response was the foot stomping NO! Immediately, the Holy Spirit whispers to me, "Oh? Didn't you just pray earlier for me to use you even in the hard things? Really meant that, huh?!" UGH! Head hanging low...yes, God, you're right. I will be obedient (through gritted teeth). I told God, you know I don't want to do this, but I WANT to want to do this, so if you can take that and do something with it....of course He can! So...I let Tim know my encounter with God and he'd come to the same conclusion I had. We needed to not be hardhearted about this situation.
But God wasn't done with me yet about this. See it wasn't enough to repent of my hardened heart, I had to do something about it to attempt to reconcile. So...being the coward I am, I apologized to her...via text. Yeah, I know, lame, but I really am still not ready to talk to her. I apologized for having hardened my heart towards her and for any pain I caused her. She never responded, but that's not MY business; that is between she and God. So, that was huge for me.
THEN, Jody from youth also had invited me to her Sunday school the other day after church so I went with her. That was also a big deal for me. I'm always so worried no one is going to like me so shy away, but since she was there, I felt more confident. It was a GREAT Sunday school class. I knew several in there and even went back the next week. That week in class, God also got to work on me. God brought to mind all of the ways/occasions people from our church have blessed us since we got there and I was convicted again!! All of those people doing all of these wonderful things for us, welcoming us, and what have I done? Basically spat in their face with my attitude, how I'd hardened my heart about even being here. Oh the people I know I've hurt with my words/attitudes/actions! I felt so ashamed. It was like God has removed the scales from my eyes to see all of the good things that we DO have here, the wonderful people and the blessings we've been given and I've been so blind to them. It's like I didn't want to even acknowledge them. I was so dead set that "I'm not staying here" that I refused to get close to anyone or see the good that was here around us. I once was blind but now I see....Again, I had to bow my head and pray, asking for forgiveness for my hardened heart. Whatever you need of me, Lord....if this is where you want to use us, your will be done. I will do whatever you want.
I can't tell you how light I've felt in my spirit since all of this has taken place!! I honestly feel like I'm coming back to life. The depression that has been a weight around my neck is lifting...that's NOT to say that I miss or love Amanda any less...but it's okay for me to live...to really live! I know Amanda would want no less for me.
Thank you, God, for all of the work you are doing and have yet to do in me to make me more like you! Thank you for the nudging of the Holy Spirit. I want to be obedient to you in all things, in all ways, at all times. Forgive me when I fail. Thank you for your Word and the privilege to spend time with you! Thank you for being my shelter in the storm and my light, even when I couldn't see that you were there. Thank you for never, ever leaving me. Amen
For the last almost 3 years of helping with youth, I've felt a lot of pressure in being a leader, whether that was self-induced pressure or not. This year, though, we have a lot of help! I'm in a group of leaders for the junior high girls, which is different for me (I have traditionally done senior high girls). I have Shelby, Jody, and Jean with me, so I don't feel so much of the pressure to do it all of have all of the answers or have it all together. It's been FANTASTIC! Not only are we our own accountability group, but the strengths each one brings complements another's.
Tim has been challenging us (the youth and leaders) lately to make being with God a habit that we pursue. This really spoke to me in that we are only as close to God as we want to be. Convicted! I've been the worst about picking up my Bible to take it to church and not picking it up again until the next Sunday. I really wanted to take this seriously....to purpose to draw closer to God and not solely in prayer. I needed to get into His word. I downloaded the First 5 app from Proverbs 31 Ministries, whose purpose is for us to give God our first moments of the day through a quick devotional and Scripture reading. It asks questions at the end to ponder, etc. I also downloaded the You Version Bible Study app and have started 3 Bible studies in that. This time with God has been transformative!! Just starting my day out with time with God in His word has filled my soul with peace that covers me all day. Not only that, but there was one scripture that really hit home with me, Genesis 7:5, "And Noah was obedient with all God commanded him." ALL, that's the word that got me. He didn't just pick or choose the easy parts or the fun parts, or what he felt like at a given time. ALL. This also convicted me.
I knew for a while that God's been wanting me to do my part to reconcile with Michelle W. but I'd been stomping my foot at him telling him No. I didn't want to. I felt "justified" in my feelings. As part of one of my devotionals, also, I'd come across a story that made me think...it was about how we often only want to be used by God in the way WE want to, not necessarily in the way God wants to use us. I realized I was guilty of that at times and began to pray. I wanted God to be able to use me in any way He saw fit, even in the hard stuff. Well....later that day God gave me a chance to put that to the test and it involved Michelle. My initial response was the foot stomping NO! Immediately, the Holy Spirit whispers to me, "Oh? Didn't you just pray earlier for me to use you even in the hard things? Really meant that, huh?!" UGH! Head hanging low...yes, God, you're right. I will be obedient (through gritted teeth). I told God, you know I don't want to do this, but I WANT to want to do this, so if you can take that and do something with it....of course He can! So...I let Tim know my encounter with God and he'd come to the same conclusion I had. We needed to not be hardhearted about this situation.
But God wasn't done with me yet about this. See it wasn't enough to repent of my hardened heart, I had to do something about it to attempt to reconcile. So...being the coward I am, I apologized to her...via text. Yeah, I know, lame, but I really am still not ready to talk to her. I apologized for having hardened my heart towards her and for any pain I caused her. She never responded, but that's not MY business; that is between she and God. So, that was huge for me.
THEN, Jody from youth also had invited me to her Sunday school the other day after church so I went with her. That was also a big deal for me. I'm always so worried no one is going to like me so shy away, but since she was there, I felt more confident. It was a GREAT Sunday school class. I knew several in there and even went back the next week. That week in class, God also got to work on me. God brought to mind all of the ways/occasions people from our church have blessed us since we got there and I was convicted again!! All of those people doing all of these wonderful things for us, welcoming us, and what have I done? Basically spat in their face with my attitude, how I'd hardened my heart about even being here. Oh the people I know I've hurt with my words/attitudes/actions! I felt so ashamed. It was like God has removed the scales from my eyes to see all of the good things that we DO have here, the wonderful people and the blessings we've been given and I've been so blind to them. It's like I didn't want to even acknowledge them. I was so dead set that "I'm not staying here" that I refused to get close to anyone or see the good that was here around us. I once was blind but now I see....Again, I had to bow my head and pray, asking for forgiveness for my hardened heart. Whatever you need of me, Lord....if this is where you want to use us, your will be done. I will do whatever you want.
I can't tell you how light I've felt in my spirit since all of this has taken place!! I honestly feel like I'm coming back to life. The depression that has been a weight around my neck is lifting...that's NOT to say that I miss or love Amanda any less...but it's okay for me to live...to really live! I know Amanda would want no less for me.
Thank you, God, for all of the work you are doing and have yet to do in me to make me more like you! Thank you for the nudging of the Holy Spirit. I want to be obedient to you in all things, in all ways, at all times. Forgive me when I fail. Thank you for your Word and the privilege to spend time with you! Thank you for being my shelter in the storm and my light, even when I couldn't see that you were there. Thank you for never, ever leaving me. Amen
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Dark places
Last time I wrote, I think I indicated that I need some help. That is very true. The fact of the matter is I feel hopeless and rather pointless. Hopeless in that I feel stuck and see no viable option for me. We are here to help dad, and dad is here in the sticks. Being in the sticks for me is entirely too isolating and it's not good for my bipolar (Amanda and I definitely had that in common). I can't move and Dad won't move, so....I've been in a very, very dark place contemplating pills, think about drinking way too much, and just suicide in general. I feel pointless in that I feel like dad and I don't really relate. We don't talk. I feel like I can't really share what's on my heart and mind because (A) It would likely hurt his feelings, (B), I feel tremendous guilt for feeling how I do, (C) he never talks about Amanda, and (D) I feel like he doesn't really care if I am here or not, but Tim, being a man, is another story. I feel like a hindrance to Tim. I feel like just a wallet to Michael, which I know is not true, but in general, it just feels like if I were to die, it really wouldn't leave a ripple.
I also feel hopeless in that I don't feel like my well being, be it physical or mental or ____ is a priority to anyone. I have to be here Mondays and Wednesdays for Dad to do his stuff. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to be at the Wesley for Tim and all his stuff. Sundays I have to help Tim. My only day to do anything is Friday and frankly, sometimes I get damn sick and tired of having to schedule anything I need around everyone else's schedules.
Last night I looked into where the Choctaw Behavioral Health Services are. There is a location near me in Hugo, but the main place is in Talihina, 2.5 hours from me. Stupid. It didn't give any indication as to whether I can just call and make an appointment to be seen or if I have to have a referral or ?? I see Dr. Lee soonish so I will ask him unless I call up there earlier. I feel so crappy. Like I'm already on meds for depression and clearly they either aren't working or if they are, they are certainly not enough. I definitely want to talk to a therapist to help me work through some of these feelings. I just feel like I have no purpose anymore. I have no drive about anything. All I do is work, wait on Tim, help Tim, help Dad, clean, and go to church where I'm getting nothing out of it....which is and has been another point of contention. At Covenant I could have gone to one of the counselors there but FUMC Durant offers NOTHING like that. The pastor is clueless and only gives pat answers...oh just pray about it...do you think I haven't? I may talk to Jen Kellogg, though. I would feel safe talking to her. She's a pastor, close to my age, and a friend.
Anyway, if anyone actually reads this thing, I'm sure people are sick of my whining, but ya know what? This is MY life and MY blog and this is my only outlet other than talking to Tim, and he hears it already. I'm glad I was able to voice all of these things to him yesterday. I know he's scared for me and I hate making him feel that way. Frankly, the way I feel scares me, too, sometimes.
I also feel hopeless in that I don't feel like my well being, be it physical or mental or ____ is a priority to anyone. I have to be here Mondays and Wednesdays for Dad to do his stuff. Tuesdays and Thursdays I have to be at the Wesley for Tim and all his stuff. Sundays I have to help Tim. My only day to do anything is Friday and frankly, sometimes I get damn sick and tired of having to schedule anything I need around everyone else's schedules.
Last night I looked into where the Choctaw Behavioral Health Services are. There is a location near me in Hugo, but the main place is in Talihina, 2.5 hours from me. Stupid. It didn't give any indication as to whether I can just call and make an appointment to be seen or if I have to have a referral or ?? I see Dr. Lee soonish so I will ask him unless I call up there earlier. I feel so crappy. Like I'm already on meds for depression and clearly they either aren't working or if they are, they are certainly not enough. I definitely want to talk to a therapist to help me work through some of these feelings. I just feel like I have no purpose anymore. I have no drive about anything. All I do is work, wait on Tim, help Tim, help Dad, clean, and go to church where I'm getting nothing out of it....which is and has been another point of contention. At Covenant I could have gone to one of the counselors there but FUMC Durant offers NOTHING like that. The pastor is clueless and only gives pat answers...oh just pray about it...do you think I haven't? I may talk to Jen Kellogg, though. I would feel safe talking to her. She's a pastor, close to my age, and a friend.
Anyway, if anyone actually reads this thing, I'm sure people are sick of my whining, but ya know what? This is MY life and MY blog and this is my only outlet other than talking to Tim, and he hears it already. I'm glad I was able to voice all of these things to him yesterday. I know he's scared for me and I hate making him feel that way. Frankly, the way I feel scares me, too, sometimes.
Monday, August 10, 2015
I hate this depression
I feel like a broken record and a total whiner, but I can't shake this depression.
We had a WONDERFUL trip home to NC from July 28 through Aug. 4. It was sooooo good!!! Michael went out of his way to spend time with us this time, which was a really nice change. We got to meet his girlfriend, Sara, and we really like her a lot. She is really good for him. The maturity level was saw in him, the responsibility, the tenderness he has with Sara...all really good changes to see in him. As usual, I didn't want to come home and cried on the way back. We went fishing, ate out a LOT, took him shopping, paid his rent for August, went to a Sunday at the Park at the Town Commons where we listened to music and talked, went to a movie (Ant Man), visited friends, went to Covenant, painted pottery at The Painted Peacock. It was so nice to be able to see him whenever we wanted. I miss that so very much. It was nice to feel needed and wanted. To see the relationship with him as an adult start really developing.
Then I come back here. I'm so isolated. I'm so lonely. I miss Amanda so very much. I feel so guilty. I HATE living out here in the sticks but know I can't leave Dad. I don't like going to our church here. I get nothing out of it. I don't fit in anywhere. I can be in a crowd, like last night at the pool party, and feel totally alone. I don't feel a purpose in my life. I think too often about drinking and/or suicide. I would never want to leave Michael and Tim, though...and drinking, well that's all Tim needs to deal with is an alcoholic wife when he's a pastor....
I looked again for a The Compassionate Friends meeting closer to me, and still, the closest one is in Ada. There is a new Grief Share group that started up in Sherman...on Monday nights...started actually tonight. I feel like there's no one here I can really relate to. No one I can feel safe to take my mask off for. I mean who wants to listen to or be around Debbie Downer? I miss my life...the one I had with my intact family in North Carolina...though when I was in NC I missed my dad, so when the hell am I happy? And now Amanda's whole and fully loved in Heaven, but I struggle every day with missing her....with missing me. I feel so alone.
___________________________________________
Ran across these today on FB...I needed them both.
... to the limpers who feel too far behind,
to the bruised who feel too busted up,
to the scarred who feel too wounded deep inside ---
*We need you*... We need you because you who are scarred make the world sensitive, because you who are broken leak a rare kind of light, because you who limp are the ones who dance the most unforgettably.
*We need you*... and right now, you are the ones down in the trenches who need to know: you are wanted, you are brave, you are Beloved.
-- Ann Voskamp
We had a WONDERFUL trip home to NC from July 28 through Aug. 4. It was sooooo good!!! Michael went out of his way to spend time with us this time, which was a really nice change. We got to meet his girlfriend, Sara, and we really like her a lot. She is really good for him. The maturity level was saw in him, the responsibility, the tenderness he has with Sara...all really good changes to see in him. As usual, I didn't want to come home and cried on the way back. We went fishing, ate out a LOT, took him shopping, paid his rent for August, went to a Sunday at the Park at the Town Commons where we listened to music and talked, went to a movie (Ant Man), visited friends, went to Covenant, painted pottery at The Painted Peacock. It was so nice to be able to see him whenever we wanted. I miss that so very much. It was nice to feel needed and wanted. To see the relationship with him as an adult start really developing.
Then I come back here. I'm so isolated. I'm so lonely. I miss Amanda so very much. I feel so guilty. I HATE living out here in the sticks but know I can't leave Dad. I don't like going to our church here. I get nothing out of it. I don't fit in anywhere. I can be in a crowd, like last night at the pool party, and feel totally alone. I don't feel a purpose in my life. I think too often about drinking and/or suicide. I would never want to leave Michael and Tim, though...and drinking, well that's all Tim needs to deal with is an alcoholic wife when he's a pastor....
I looked again for a The Compassionate Friends meeting closer to me, and still, the closest one is in Ada. There is a new Grief Share group that started up in Sherman...on Monday nights...started actually tonight. I feel like there's no one here I can really relate to. No one I can feel safe to take my mask off for. I mean who wants to listen to or be around Debbie Downer? I miss my life...the one I had with my intact family in North Carolina...though when I was in NC I missed my dad, so when the hell am I happy? And now Amanda's whole and fully loved in Heaven, but I struggle every day with missing her....with missing me. I feel so alone.
___________________________________________
Ran across these today on FB...I needed them both.
... to the limpers who feel too far behind,
to the bruised who feel too busted up,
to the scarred who feel too wounded deep inside ---
*We need you*... We need you because you who are scarred make the world sensitive, because you who are broken leak a rare kind of light, because you who limp are the ones who dance the most unforgettably.
*We need you*... and right now, you are the ones down in the trenches who need to know: you are wanted, you are brave, you are Beloved.
-- Ann Voskamp
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