3/13/14 through today (3/20/14)

Well, quite a bit has occurred since I wrote last.  On Thursday, 3/13, the detective came over to meet with us at the Wesley after our free luncheon. Basically, we have nowhere to go in the investigation at this point. Until and unless Ericka at some point comes home and says something to the effect that Ryan intentionally hurt her, there is not enough evidence to convict for anything. The reason is, and we understand, there is too much that shows that Amanda was a willing participant in all that was going on. It wasn't her first time hanging out with them, so what they were about was no surprise. It wasn't her first time using. It wasn't her first time driving them down to Dallas for the heroin. All of those occurrences taken together paints the picture of someone who willingly went, who willingly used, and accidentally died. I'm coming to accept that. As much as it sucks, I mean, she just made a bad choice. No matter what her reasons were, it was just a bad choice and she accidentally overdosed...unless Ericka says otherwise, but I'm not hanging my hat on that. I'm gaining peace that she may be gone from this physical world, but she is every bit as alive as I am, even more so. She's not gone from me, she is here, I just can't see her. I'm starting to be able to just celebrate who she is/was to us and to others. I'm trying to not constantly focus on how she died, as just celebrate that she lived and the love she had for others. The one thing that her death has done for us is really open our eyes to the amount of hurting kids there are around us. It's not that we didn't see them or acknowledge them before, but now it's like there is this radar, laser focus. So, that's good, but it can also be a bit overwhelming at times. 

Next, on the 14th we drove to Dallas Love Field to pick up my long-time friend, Stacey (Brinson) Platt. We have known each other since kindergarten, used to live on opposite ends of 31st together, and went through school together except for junior high when she had moved to our "rival" school. Even then, though, she was in sports and I was a cheerleader, so we would see each other when our schools played each other. 

Stacey had a free round-trip ticket and wanted to come see me. We hadn't seen each other in 20 years, since our boys were little! It was such a blessing seeing her. Her son, Caleb, had passed away 3 years ago at the age of 11, so having someone who could truly relate to a lot of the same thoughts/feelings because she'd been there and was a bit ahead of me, was sooooo amazing. It wasn't like we only talked about the death of our kids, we didn't, but when we did, even though our experiences were totally different in circumstances, there are such commonalities and made for a deep bonding time. We laughed and talked, and talked, and talked, and cried, and hugged and it was just a fantastic time. To have someone like that that you haven't seen in so long and it could have been a bit awkward, but it was like no time had passed at all, and we just picked up like we had seen each other yesterday. Tim was tickled for me as he said he has never in all of our years together seen me talk as much as I (we) did. It was refreshing and I hope it's not another 20 years before we see each other. I was able to share Amanda's video from the service at Covenant. My own dad hasn't wanted to see that yet. I showed her the scrapbook holding all of these pictures we had at her service. It was so comforting to share Amanda with her and our love for her, and I got to hear all about her Caleb. We took her back to the airport on Monday, the 17th, which just happened to be her birthday. What a beautiful time together. I am so thankful we had that.

Monday we also flew out ourselves from DFW so we could come home to NC. We've gotten to spend a lot of time with Michael; we are staying again with Ms. Trudy, and Barbara Lingle let us use her Altima for the week we are here; seen Rob and Sarah Hall, Bob Wynn, Lisa Jenkins; Tim got to see Robin Davis, Lexy, Haley, and Steve; we saw Wes and Pastor Branson; we saw Dr. Blackmon and Dr. Kilpatrick, Pam Albertson, Kellie Cannon, and Kati Danner; we've seen Will Daugherty and Brent Anderson. We've tried to set things up with some other folks but they haven't worked out. Rob and Sarah are in a dancing competition tonight for Pitt Community College's Dancing With the Stars...it's a black-tie fundraiser, silent auction, etc., along with the dance competition to raise money for scholarships for PCC. What a great cause!! Since we weren't going to be going tonight to the competition, they invited us to watch them practice before us going to lunch with them today (Thursday). That was a LOT of fun!!

I have completely been thrilled to be home. Sure there have been moments of sadness that Amanda's not here, but she is. I wish we didn't have to go back and everyone keeps asking us when we are moving home. Well...the fact of the matter is, we can't leave until my daddy has passed, and although I hate living in OK, I am not in any hurry for my Daddy to be gone, either. So...I will just have to be satisfied with periodic trips home and try to make the best of it in OK. Here is home, good and bad, but I just feel so peaceful here. It has made me realize how much we had that we took for granted before without trying to or realizing we had. I mean, there are not just ONE but TWO movie theaters, ice skating, bowling, beautiful homes, our church family, our family family, sports venues, etc. We had so much. I'm thankful we've had this refresh/recharge. Tomorrow we will be going to New Bern to see family. 

I'm not saying by any stretch of the imagination that I'm "over" losing Amanda; I never will be. I will always miss her and love her and wish she was here in the physical, but I am cherishing the time I had with her. I'm thinking of good memories we had and not how she died. I'm thinking of the legacy, her always reaching out to help others and seeing them just as people, looking past their behaviors to just see hurting people and try to help that hurt. Because of her, I'm trying to pour into hurting teens I encounter and remind them that they, too, ARE enough! YOU ARE ENOUGH! Romans 12:2 - It talks about not conforming to how the world wants you to be (you will never be enough), but to be transformed by the renewing of your mind (through Christ). Christ is enough for us, and we, in Him, are enough. I love you, baby girl. Thank you for the privilege of being your Mama.