Almost 3 months...

Three months without Amanda seems ludicrous to me. I've been really emotional today. Had a bad breakdown the other night. I just get so tired of feeling like I have to put on a happy face and go on like everything is status quo. I just lost it after dinner one night. Just sitting at the table and it just all started crashing down around me. Being here. Her not being here. Wanting answers that may never come. The most important answer, I DO have, and that should satisfy me always, but the mom in me wants the WHY. I need to let it go, I guess. And I have this fear. I know, as I've read other grieving parents express the same thing, that it's "normal" given the circumstances, that Amanda will be forgotten. Someone so vitally important to me may be forgotten by all but us. That thought sickens me and yet, I know she won't be forgotten, not by those who loved her, by those whose lives she touched.

My brother is here for a few days. I was showing him some of the pictures we'd had out at her funeral and seeing if he wanted a few. Just having her scrapbook out and showing him the temporary urn she is in was distressing. Talking to him over breakfast about the questions we have had, the feelings that there should be SOME charges brought against Ryan and Ericka, etc. had me crying. Just trying to express how hard it is still to even wrap your mind and heart around my child being gone...people can sympathize with our pain, but unless you've been there, you just can never really know, and I pray no one else I know ever has to.  

Tim and I went to Oklahoma City yesterday. He had a conference for the camp he's going to be the dean of, and I tagged along just to have some time with him. On the way, Dad texted and said that the bath lady had come over and felt that Ann was severely dehydrated, so they were having her taken to the ER again by ambulance.  I was torn as I knew Dad's nerves would be torn up, but we were almost at least an hour out. We called our pastor who went up there to the hospital to sit with Dad a while.  Long story short, they found nothing wrong again with her and sent her home. They said it's just the progression of her Alzheimer's and Parkinson's and if she continues down this path, the next step will be a feeding tube. All she wants to do is sleep. She has zero quality of life. 

After the conference, Tim and I went to the Oklahoma City bombing memorial/museum. It was my second time as I'd been before with Dad and Ann. Tim had never been. It was still just as sobering and sad. Hard to believe that 2 people could wreak so much havoc, destruction and death for innocent people just to make an antigovernment statement.  We had hoped to be able to go check out some of the city, but it was going to be another 2+ hours home and we wanted to get home to Dad. Ann had been in bed the rest of the day pretty much. It was nice just to get away with Tim, though. He kept thanking me for riding down there with him. He hates to drive in heavy traffic like that so he was glad that I drove. I'm just glad he likes me with him.

Anyway, today after showing Tony the pictures, etc., Tim and I went to town as I had a hair appointment. I had just been feeling down today in general over Amanda. Just sad. Nothing specific happened, just missing her. I had my hair highlighted quite a bit this time so it's much more blonde but not in a fake-looking way. It looks very natural. Afterwards Tim and I didn't want to go right home so we went to Chili's. We are sitting there having dinner and I just felt the need to tell Tim what a great Dad he has been to our kids and how much I appreciate him. I told him that I've always appreciated the fact that he CHOSE to be their dad and knew it was something he could have walked away from before we ever started, but he chose for us to be a family. I just told him how much I love him and love that he has always done his very best for our family. Of course, I was crying, but I know how much we both beat ourselves up over our parenting and the "should have," "could have," and "would haves" in light of the choices our kids have made, but we know that they have been taught well and that they have free will, as we all do, and they are going to do what they are going to do. We, as parents, can only do our best and entrust them to God. I'm so thankful for Tim and the amazing husband and father he is and has been, and will continue to be. He has always been a gift from God and I'm so glad God let us be a family. On the way home, an Adele song came on that Amanda used to sing, "Someone Like You," and the memory of Amanda singing that song in her room or around the house, in the car, everywhere, was just so strong and her beautiful voice and the earnestness with which she sang just haunted me. I just miss her so much, and hearing that was what broke the dam. I just cried and cried driving home. It's so hard for me to really let it out with anyone but Tim or alone with God. No one else really understands it. In that way, a lot of times I feel alone in my grief (except for Tim, I mean).

The other day I did have Tim apply my memorial decal on my wheel cover on the RAV4. It looks so good. It makes me glad to have other people at least see her name and know this was someone  who was and is very loved, cherished, and missed by her family.