Plateaus and Valleys

So...I don't really know what to write today, only that I feel like I need to. Such a whirlwind of emotions, as usual. My visit with Stacey was so good and so needed. It felt healing to my soul, just a tiny bit, to have someone else who understood, who understood my need to watch Amanda's service with her on the DVD and the difficulty in doing so. I'm still so raw but so often I am wearing a mask. I don't even know if it's for my benefit or for others', just that I have it on. But with her being here, I could take it off with another person who knew and loved me and understood my pain. I hope we get to see each other again and not have it be 20 years in between.

After we took Stacey back to the airport, we headed to the other airport for our flight out to NC. I was half excited, half guilt-ridden as I knew leaving Daddy to handle Ann on his own was not going to be fun, but I knew he could handle it. Still, I was adding stress on his plate when he's already so stressed with few outlets.

The flights out were uneventful except for getting into Charlotte's airport where we were let off (late) in terminal A and had to be in terminal E for our next flight. We had to walk so fast and try to manage the crowds across the expanse of the airport. Not fun. We got there just as they were starting to board for our flight, so that was good. 

We got into Greenville around 6'ish I think. Barbara Lingle and her daughter, Kaylee, picked us up. We borrowed one of their vehicles for the week and again stayed with Trudy Halstead at her house. We first went to Mike's work to see him and let him know we were in town. It was an excellent trip home. I'm happier there. Part of me thinks it should be harder there as there are so many memories of Amanda there, but that's where she wanted to be, so I felt she would be happy we were there, and felt she was with us in a sense. We saw lots of friends and family as well as my coworkers from Physicians East and Doctors Blackmon and Kilpatrick. Hopefully we can go back in July, but between paying to get our car out from the airport, all of the food, the souvenirs (ECU stuff), movies, and paying to board the cats, in addition to gas for the car we borrowed and the airfare...it gets a bit pricey, even with the freebies we got by the grace of our church family.

Since we've come home, a few people have made the comment that they were surprised that we came back (to OK). I can't say that the thought of staying in NC didn't cross my mind, a lot, but, it also makes me wonder about the type of people they think we are. I mean, we have our jobs here; I made a promise to my dad and intend to keep it; we have no jobs there to go back to, and we are just not the type of people to up and walk away from our responsibilities, no matter how tempting it may seem. That's just not who we are.

Dad, I can tell, really needs a break. He said Marion, Ann's daughter, still plans on taking Ann with her to Cleveland in July. With the way Ann is eating, or not, who knows if she will still be here then. Dad's behavior and the way he spoke to Ann the other day worried me. It's not that I think or thought he'd ever be violent with her, but the way he spoke to her just kinda shook me up. I know she's not my mom, but as I was praying about it all, it just sort of took root in me so what if she's not my mom. How would I want my mom to be treated in this situation/circumstance. I needed to step in and diffuse things. I know she doesn't mean to be aggravating or not eat when it's time to eat. She just doesn't know any better and doesn't know that she ever did know better what to do and why. So I've tried to just be more helpful and accommodating to her. She wants her doll moved away from the door because the storm might hurt it? Ok, how is this over here? Instead of telling her to eat, I just fed her or assisted her in drinking. It's just easier and gives her dignity instead of being yelled at (by dad) and she doesn't even know why. I'm sure it's upsetting to her and probably scary. So I'm just trying to be better and keep it in the forefront of my mind that she may not be my mom, but what if this was? How would I want her to be treated and talked to, and that's what I'm determined to do.

Tomorrow is my 44th birthday. That is crazy. That's how old my mom was when she passed away. It made me miss Amanda even more today in a funny way; not that she wouldn't be here for my birthday, but that she wouldn't be here to NOT be here for my birthday. She pretty much skipped out on mine and/or Tim's birthday every year. Now I wish she was here to skip out on my birthday. I don't want to celebrate it. I'm off tomorrow which is nice, but I'm home while Dad goes to his Choctaw seniors luncheon. It's supposed to rain anyway. I did get to go play in the dirt some today and yesterday. I transplanted some plants/flowers and bought some bulbs today to plant but haven't decided where to put them. I like working in the dirt. Something sort of therapeutic about it. 

The metaphor of spring being the bringing forth of new life from the ground after the cold, hard winter seemed ironic to me. This new life is and will be coming forth, and I feel like a spectator looking through glass at the rest of the world but not quite able to participate in it. I can look, and it may seem pretty, but I can't quite feel or experience it like others; I'm set apart. Maybe one day again spring will come for me, too.