In the quiet...

I guess I haven't blogged in a little while. I have decided to go ahead and host a support group for other parents in the Durant area who have lost a child or children. I've ordered a bunch of books for resources for anyone who wants to borrow them. My friend, Stacey, sent me a bunch of pamphlets from Compassionate Friends to have available, also. I'm going to use the booklets that our church has had sent to us, also. The group is called Grief Care and starts May 7 at 6 p.m. whether one or none shows. Detective Laxton has given me the contact info for a few ladies in the area; one is the dispatcher who took the call about Amanda. She also lost her son prior to Amanda from an overdose. I've also told one of the home health nurses, Allie, about it and wrote down all of the information about the group for her. Her son and his girlfriend died in a house fire a little over a year ago. She had recently taken a 3-month leave of absence and just came back to work. Also, my friend, Karen, from back home is a counselor and has been helpful with websites and info. Also, my friend, Teddi Sharpton, used to lead a Grief Share group and gave me some great ideas to incorporate, things that worked really well in the group. I'm anxious about it as this is an area that I've never thought of delving into, but I feel this is what God has been preparing me for, that this is my purpose in this tragedy, to reach out to other parents on the grief journey and be His heart, His compassion, and His love. I want a place where I can air my heart and hurts and where others can too, in a safe place, where others understand the depth of our pain, the loss of present and future life with our children in the physical. While we don't know how long our time here is, it feels too long, when your heart just wants your child. I miss you, Amanda, so very much. 

Last night was a little hard. I just miss her so much. It's in the quiet times, when I get still and put all of the baggage of the day away that I am really able to feel. No masks. No agendas. Just being a mom who misses her daughter. I was staring at her Baby Bop just sitting in the closet next to Amanda's temporary urn and it just breaks my heart. Amanda was always holding onto Baby Bop as her comfort, and I would love to snuggle with her, but I don't want her ruined, either. And so in the quiet, the tears come, my heart breaks, and the cries are guttural. My mommy heart can't be consoled in these times. I just want my baby. I miss my baby and want to hold her. I want to hear her, feel her, be with her. And I can't do any of those things now and so I cry. 

I was ashamed of some thoughts I had last night. Sometimes I get so tired...tired of always having to take care of someone else. Tired of taking care of Ann. Tired of being woken in the middle of the night, rolling her over, listening to gibberish, hearing her cry out in pain. I try to be compassionate toward her. She can't help it. Everything does hurt her. She's barely eating. She doesn't understand why she's still here, and frankly, neither do I. And sometimes I find myself getting mad or having ugly thoughts...why IS she still here when she has no quality of life, is in pain always, and has no hope of recovery here in the physical. And in that same train of thought, I wonder, why did Amanda die? Why didn't God intervene and spare her life, stop her from going over there with, I don't know, a flat tire, vomiting, anything, just to keep her from going there. Maybe I just don't see the picture like God does. I know I don't. I know he sees in total when I only see in part and through the lens of grief and pain. Maybe he DID intervene, and this was a kinder, gentler death than where she was headed. I do know where she is, I just wish she didn't have to get there so soon, and I know that's selfish. I wouldn't have wanted her to suffer, to stay depressed, to struggle with the bipolar and her identity. I just miss her. I miss her laughter, her hugs, her ticklish feet, her goofiness, her singing. I miss everything, too numerous to list.  I guess I just don't understand why one's life is prolonged in agony when another's is shortened. I'm not wise enough, nor am I God, to be able to answer that question.

I still have a hard time dealing with others...especially if there's a lot of drama involved, constant stress and ups and downs in their life. Two people in particular I've had to distance myself from some as I just can't deal with it in a positive, encouraging, supportive manner. I listen and give advice, the same advice given by Tim, Pastor John, and Pastor Dewey, and then they go and do just the opposite, and then come back crying. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! 

Tim and I actually had some struggles in our marriage. It came to a head on Easter Sunday after church. All of this is taking a toll. Tim and I don't get enough "us" time, living with my parents in the sticks is so isolating and stressful, his jobs are very, very time-consuming, and this one girl it seems is always with us. She calls Tim, "Dad," and I'm sorry, that didn't fly with me. Tim is Amanda and Michael's Dad. Period. Tim would also introduce her as his daughter (she's black - so, no question she wasn't), but still...this Momma's heart was NOT happy about this. I know she doesn't feel love from her own family, I know she has a lot she's dealing with, but I NEED MY HUSBAND, TOO. I felt like I was coming in last place and always, always this girl was with us. She is NOT our daughter. We can love on her, we can do nice things for her periodically, but I felt like Tim was replacing Amanda with her, and I didn't like it one little bit. All of this can just be too much. I get mad about living here. I get mad at Ann's daughter, Marian, when she makes comments about how we take care of her mother. Oh she does such and such all the time with her dad and he weighs more than Ann, she will just have to show us how to do it right. My dad is NOT hurting himself anymore just to take Ann to the doctor for a visit when nothing can be done for her. I understand taking her if there is an actual problem, like a UTI, but the doctor even said there's no point in her coming out anymore. Anything she needs, the home health aides can do, or, when we need the three-month eval, the doctor's nurse practitioner can come out and see Ann and give the doctor the proper paperwork to fill out. But that's not good enough for Marian. Well you know what? Miss Know-it-all can just MOVE her butt down here and take over care permanently since we are doing things so wrong. I would welcome it! We could move into town and not be spending an arm and a leg in gas each month per vehicle. SHE could get up all night long, losing sleep and still trying to work the next day. She could do the cooking and cleaning and buying all the groceries. She could pay the water and trash bills. Meanwhile, Tim and I could move to town and have time to be a couple again, have time to grieve as we need to, when and how we need to. I know I'm on a rant, it just gets my blood boiling. 

And another thing that I struggle with is my anger at my dad. I KNOW it's a moot point, but we gave up soooo much, now including our daughter, to move to this place, to help him take care of Ann. I get mad because he COULD have moved to NC. We begged him for five years, but nooooo. The land, blah blah blah, the house, blah blah blah. Now we are here, our daughter is dead, and it's like pulling teeth sometimes to get him to spend time with HIS wife. Maybe it's his self-preservation, knowing she's not here for long, but watching TV or fiddling with something in the garage should not trump spending time with Ann. It's like he can't get out of there fast enough sometimes. And now that she's in the hospital bed and he's sleeping in the other room, he doesn't hear her at all when he's sleeping (really wish he'd go see an audiologist - We already know he's hard of hearing in one ear at least, but I bet he's past due for a hearing aid). Sooo, Tim and I are up and down all night long tending to her. But then, the other day he ran across all of her scrapbooking stuff and he broke down crying, saying that she kept everything from concerts they went to, camping trips, birthday parties, etc. and now seeing her how she is, it's just hard to take in. I told him that he knows she won't be here for long, so he needs to make sure and spend time with her now. I just don't want him having regrets and kicking himself for spending time doing all of this other, non-essential stuff, when Ann is here, right now, with him and he could be spending time with her, and taking care of that other stuff after she's gone. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things, though.

I guess I'm done whining for now. A home health nurse is on her way to see Ann, which is nice. It's always a little reprieve for me. Her physical therapy just started back and he was astonished at her condition. He can barely move her legs and arms a little anymore. Everything hurts her. Bless her heart. And she wonders at times why she is still even here. She said she's ready to go, that she just wants to go to sleep. I asked her if she's told Jesus she's ready to go, and she said, "Not yet. Do you think I should?" Yes, tell Jesus.