Mixed bag

Remember these? I used to love Kaleidoscopes when I was a kid and I still think they're pretty cool. You take a variety of colors and shapes and depending on which way you turn the end piece, you got a different picture. The same shapes and colors, when the end piece is moved a different way, creates a different picture. Well, that's sort of how my emotions are right now. 

For instance, Mother's Day is coming up. I'm not any less a mother than I was before Amanda passed (same shapes and colors), but now there is this new twist, and my picture looks completely different to me.  But it doesn't have to be an event to make things look different, it's a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute twisting of the scope. I can have the same set of circumstances and in one day I go through a myriad of twists and I go from being "okay" to a basket case. Let me tell you, it's exhausting. And I keep thinking about the empty platitudes that people offer and sometimes I really want to smack some folks upside the head. I know it's not their fault; they don't know what to say so they say what they think will be comforting, and it just...gahhh...makes me want to scream. But I guess in all honesty, I've probably said some of those same things but now that the shoe is on the other foot, I realize how ridiculous some they are, or how ridiculous they sound to a heart that is broken. 

I have this beautiful image of my being curled up in Jesus' lap, just letting him hold me and all of my brokenness. The tenderness, gentleness, acceptance, and love, the compassion there is what I need most. It's been four months and 5 days and I feel like I'm going crazy and so, so lost. I wonder how others have done it for years without their children. Not that I think they love their kids any less by any means, it just is a wonder to me how they have gotten through, but I guess it's just one step at a time, one foot in front of the other just like me, not because they want to, but because they don't know anything else to do and not curl up and die. 

I feel so lost. This despair is so deep it's almost palpable. I want my baby. All I ever wanted to do when I was little was be a wife and mommy. And it's not that I'm not still those things, just everything else to me was secondary. And now that part of one of those jobs is over and I never wanted it to be over, I feel like I've completely been sucker punched. I don't know how to catch my breath, or really if I even want to, but part of me does. I want to honor my daughter's life by living. I want to be able to move forward, but at the same time I have such guilt every single day of if I move forward, if I laugh, if I enjoy life again, what does that say about my love of my child, of the deep loss I have experienced? Does it say, "I'm over it"?? I will never be over it and I don't know how to marry these two warring thoughts. 

Papa God, please help me. I want to curl up in your arms and have you soothe my shattered heart. I want to hear you say you are with me, though I know you are. I need your comfort. Thank you for walking with me through this. I know you have never and never will leave me. Thank you for the Psalms that reassure me. My favorite is Ps. 139: 7-12: 

7 

Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

8 

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

9 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 

even there your hand will guide me,

    your right hand will hold me fast.

11 

If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me

    and the light become night around me,”

12 

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

    the night will shine like the day,

    for darkness is as light to you.

While I don't like this new season of life and know that you didn't "Take" Amanda, I do know that you have a plan for this and that you will be glorified. I am yours, Father, and I will do your will in this plan to bring you honor and glory. 

In Jesus' name,

Amen