Frustrated

I am just so stinking mad. Frustrated. We got Amanda's phone back yesterday, April 1, from Detective Laxton. It was good but heartbreaking to have it again. I broke down and sobbed, again. Tim wants to try and help me, but there is no help. There is nothing any person can do for me. I am losing confidence in the police. 

I am fully aware and becoming more so in looking over Amanda's phone and messages, that my daughter was no saint. I'm also fully aware that she was apparently a willing participant in obtaining the heroin and using...but she was still my daughter and I loved her!!! She wasn't "just" some dead junky or a case number. She was Amanda Christine Garrett, my daughter, my pain in the butt who could make me laugh til I snorted and grossed out like no other. She was stubborn and silly and sassy and had a potty mouth and could be so loving and sweet. She put on a tough act to cover up her very tender heart. She wanted to be loved so much by someone besides just her family. She wanted to find her place in this world. But I get the feeling that the police pretty much don't care as she was a drug user who died. "Oh well, one more off the streets...NEXT!" And it pisses me off! 

I KNOW they have to be able to prove things no matter how much they do or don't believe them to be true, it's just so maddening to know that Ryan and Erika are "out there" somewhere and Amanda's in an urn in my closet. 

And I fight with myself...this life, here, is maybe all they will have, but Amanda has eternity with Jesus. I KNOW that...and I know I'm being shortsighted in thinking there's no justice being served NOW when justice will ultimately be God's, but I am a mom. I did everything I could from the time I was pregnant with her to protect her, even from herself, and you don't just turn that off when they die. I still want to protect her. I want someone to have to pay for this crap. I want someone to have to pay for all of the brokenness I have now. I want someone to know how I don't want to get up in the morning. And I have thoughts of driving my car into a tree. Of wishing I never had to wake up again. But I can't do that. I don't have that much selfishness in me and wouldn't want my family to grieve me like I am over Amanda. I'm just so angry!!!

So I'm looking over Amanda's phone and see calls the day Amanda died starting at like 6:40 in the morning. I'm certain Amanda was already gone by then. I also saw 9 calls the night she died to a Dallas number that, based on the times, were most likely to the dealer. I email the detective and he acts like this is news to them and they will "look into it" and let me know. Excuse me?? Did you say you WILL look into it? They had this phone for almost 4 months. That pissed me off. I'm thinking I have the Abbott and Costello version of cops working this case. Who's on First? I emailed him and probably sounded pretty much like a B, and he responds that they knew about those numbers, blah blah blah. He did say that he contacted YESTERDAY the Dallas narcotics division to have them call him back about the Dallas number, but what. the. heck???? WHY is this JUST being done if they supposedly already had that info??? Nothing makes sense to me and I just feel like (and I may be way wrong) if THIS crime had happened back home, I would feel more confident in the way things would be handled AND we know several police there and would have at least someone we knew we could talk to about it and be given straight answers.  Heaven help me.