In the stillness of the heart...

I don't know why I write like I do. It's more like journalistic reporting...just the facts, Ma'am.  But here I sit on this Monday, when I should be working, but there is none, and I have too much time to think. Back from vacation and seeing Michael, friends, and Tim's family. Back to the stillness and quietness of the heart, and that's where/when I miss Amanda the most. Everything is back to "normal."  Nowhere to go or visits to try to squeeze in. Just back...here...with my memories and that's all I have left of you here. Of us as an intact family. Someone said we are still an intact family, we are just located in different places. And I guess that IS true. You are more alive now than you ever were here, but it's that I can't see you. I can't hold your hand or hug you or watch you sleep. I can't hear that laughter except in my memories and dreams.

I don't want you back here, not like you were, with your hurts and demons. It would be beyond selfish of me to want that. I just miss you. I don't know if I wrote this down earlier or not, but on a card we got was this saying, and I hope I don't goof it up. It said something to the effect of, "If they are with Christ, and Christ is with us, then they are never really far away." I love that, and it was sort of an ah-hah moment. I just miss her so, so much.

I don't know why her life was as tough as it was. I beat myself up about the one thing I could have NOT done and convince myself that that one thing is what set the downward spiral in motion...but do I know that for a fact? No. Is it helpful for me to tell myself that it's my fault? No. But I guess in my heart of hearts, that's what I believe. I. started. it.  And to live with that guilt?  It's what caused me initially to push Tim away. How could you even stand to look at me? How could you want to be around me? I'm horrid. I'm disgusting. I gave THAT explanation, and in my mind, that's what started her self-loathing. So, fast-forward, in effect, I killed our daughter. That's the ugliness I have in my heart. If I had given another explanation, or lied and not told the truth, she MIGHT still be here. She MIGHT NOT have turned to drugs. Heck, for all I know, she might not have ever been bipolar. What do I know??  And that's where I've had to turn it over to God. He knows the hurt and ugliness I try to stuff down so deep. I mean, who wants to think THEY ALONE are responsible for their child's pain? It's truly too much to bear, and that's what Satan wants me to do, bear it alone. Don't turn it over to God. Don't cry out to God. But I have to. No one else knows my heart. No one else truly knows her story or mine. Even I don't know my own story like the author. So God, take these ugly, self-deprecating thoughts and self-blame from me. I can't bear it. I miss my baby girl so very much, and you alone know how much my heart is broken without her here. But thank you for taking her from the misery she was in. Thank you for making her whole and walking with us while we pick up the pieces of our lives. Thank you for my husband's steadfast love for me. Thank you for making him her earthly daddy and you her heavenly one. Thank you that these tears that run down my cheeks even now, you call precious and collect every one. Thank you that not only will I be reunited with Amanda again one day, but that I can stand in your presence and worship you, can fall on my face in worship and adoration of you. You are the great I AM and no circumstances change who you are.

"None But Jesus"

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

I am yours and you are mine...

All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore

I made it through Christmas...

I really didn't want Christmas to come. Not for anything to do with the meaning of it, but because I had no idea how I would handle it and that freaked me out. My anxiety level was very high.

We went home for Christmas. I felt bad leaving Dad, but Marian was coming the day before we left, so I knew he would have good company.  It had been 9 months since we'd seen Michael, and that was just too long for me, especially with how down he had recently been.  I was excited to see him, but still wary of how to deal with Christmas with Amanda not being there.

We got to spend a good bit of time with him. He was off for four of the days that we were there. Mostly when we hung out, it was at his place. Other times we took him out to eat, once with his roommate, John, as well.  

We did some Christmas shopping and saw some friends, ate a LOT, saw some people unexpectedly. Tim got me a new wedding band and I got him the new iPhone 6-Plus. It's like a suitcase compared to his old one LOL.  He finally made the leap to a smartphone in a big way! 

I did love going to Christmas Eve service at Covenant. How I have missed that church, those people, great messages, the movement of the spirit and passionate worshippers.  We also go to go to church our last night there, Saturday night, for that evening service. It was so nice to be welcomed by so many. Hugs from people we don't always get to see.

Christmas day Tim and I had to go to New Bern for the family thing. Mike went, too, but drove separately as he had to work the next day and didn't want to be out too late. I guess it wasn't too bad, but I did have my moments of tears.  I gave Linda, Kelly, and Christy their ornaments I'd had made for them, and then the day before I had gone on Collage.com and did a collage of pictures of Amanda for Linda, sent it to CVS and had them print it. We bought an 8x10 frame and I wrapped that and gave it to her, as well.  They all seemed to like their gifts, and Christy did hang her ornament on the tree.  Linda sent me a picture the next day and had hung hers from her rearview mirror in her car.  

I don't know...I guess I was mostly just trying NOT to feel or think. Part of me feels like I should have wallowed in bed crying all day, but it does truly help to know that Amanda got to have Christmas WITH JESUS!!!  I mean, how much more awesome could that be?  I miss her terribly, but she got to celebrate Jesus' birth WITH Jesus!  It was hard not to reminisce, and I did do that some...that's usually when the tears came. Hard not to think about Christmases past.  John had seen my tears but gave me space.  He did come up to me the next day at the Dirty Santa party at Rob and Christy's and ask me if I was doing better. He mentioned that he'd seen me crying. He's been great, he really has. Linda had given me a beautiful scarf with owls on it. I made sure to wear it to the party, along with the perfume they gave me (Cool Water).  She also had brought me a book she just finished reading, Unbroken, the story of Louis Zamperini, which is quite the page-turner!!  It's so, so good!

I hate leaving there. Not that I'm in a big hurry to get back near Tim's family, BUT I would do it to get to see Michael often.  Maybe God will bring us back there one day. Who knows. For now, this is where our mission field lies, and we will be obedient to God.

One year...

Wednesday the 10th I was really struggling. It's the anxiety of knowing that that day is just right around the corner. We went to eat that night at Los Arcos and two songs that Amanda used to sing came on and then Martina McBride's Concrete Angel came on. I remember Amanda heard that the first time and just bawled at how sad it was. She then watched the video and had me watch it with her. After hearing that at Los Arcos, I just lost it. I couldn't eat. I couldn't quit crying. I just asked for a box and we had to leave.  I guess I will have those grief avalanches from time to time.

Thursday, December 11 was difficult. Not traumatic, but it was difficult. All throughout the day we would have flashbacks of where were we at this time, what was going on? What were we experiencing, did we still have hope? In the morning I kept watching the clock for 9:30, the time I got the phone call from Amanda's phone, but it was the hospital. About 10:30 when Tim got there. Seeing her laying there so still, eyes partly open, pale, bluish nail beds. On and on it went. 

We still had to make and serve lunch that day, though Jean and Caroline did a fabulous job taking care of that. Around 12:20 Tim and I headed over to the bank to get the cashier's check to take to New Life House. We added to what was collected to make it an even $2,000 to donate. We went on over to NLH and were met by Margie, who is the house manager. We visited with her for a little while before Suzy, the director, came out to visit with us. They are both recovering addicts who used to live at the house as residents.

In talking with Suzy, we discovered that Erica Hollowell used to be a resident there, and apparently she and Suzy still keep in contact. Suzy graciously said that we might want to keep our check now that we knew Erica used to be a resident there. We said, no, it's to help the girls who are trying to get clean. We found out that they do Bible studies there and they volunteer at Families Feeding Families, or at least used to. I don't remember exactly if they still do.

While we were there, Jeff Hill from our GriefShare group came in the door and I was like, "What are you doing here??"  He drove down from Sherman just to bring his donation since he hadn't had a chance to get it in the mail in time. The grand total that was donated, including Jeff's $75 and the $250 from the Caddo Martha's Circle was $2325.00 in memory of Amanda. Praise God! Even Kent and Janice donated!?!  They (she) said they would, but I didn't know if they actually would.  The ladies cried when I gave them the check. They were so surprised and pleased that it was as much as it was. There were hugs all around.

I was surprised as Linda actually texted me. John texted me, too, but that's not a surprise. Kelly texted (I think) and called Tim, as did Linda call Tim. He didn't answer, though. He said he couldn't deal with stress on top of what he was already feeling that day.

It's still so hard to wrap my head around never being able to see my baby girl again in this life. I know I have eternity with her, but that's "then" and I don't know how long I will have to wait for that. It's hard to fathom the concept of relegating my life with my child as a sort of "before" and "after."  I still struggle every day. It's true that I do have "good" days, I laugh, I enjoy my time with Tim, and I'm definitely looking forward to our upcoming trip home, but only to see Michael and our church family. 

I know I've learned a lot and maybe grown since she died. In some ways it's good, I guess. It has opened our eyes and we don't always like what we see, but it has also made us more acutely aware of people who are hurting. In certain ways we've been tremendously hurt by "family" and then we've been abundantly blessed by others in our lives and have had people become like new family to us, who have chosen to walk with us through this and not turn away. I know we weren't the only ones grieving Amanda, but in my mind, you turn to the others you know are grieving also to mutually support one another and not away from and ignore them completely and choose not to support anything they do in memory of that person that these people "loved so much."  I mean for crying out loud, even Kent and Janice contributed!  Ok, I need to shut up about that. It gets me nowhere. There were people who loved and supported us and that's who and what I need to remember and not focus on who didn't <mental slap>.

I guess that's all for now. 

Counting the Days

I've been counting the days and reliving, but not just the bad, the good...The beautiful final days we had with Amanda. For instance, on the 8th (last year), we had had the sleepover with Amanda, had brought us Arby's to eat with her, watched movies at the Wesley and one at her apartment (Jingle All the Way), fixed spinach dip together to go with the chicken, coleslaw, and potato salad. So, as a way to commemorate that special memory, Tim went and bought Jingle All the Way, and we watched it with Dad last night. I didn't even cry. It was a good memory to have and a nice way to sort of memorialize that night with her.

Today would have been the night she went to Julia's house. Tim had wanted to spend the night at her apartment again, but she didn't let him know that she'd come home from Julia's with a headache, so he'd stayed at the Wesley by himself.  I had had a migraine and unfortunately had gone home.

Tomorrow would be the day we had gone to Ada together. Our last day together on the earth. We had such a good day and I miss those good days so, so much. I had such hopes for her, for us, for more days like this and more family times. The loss of her, the loss of those times makes me so sad.

Then the 11th....the day that my world as I knew it ceased to exist. The worst day of my life, the worst day of any parent's life. My baby died. To honor her life, we will be presenting a check for the donations to New Life House in her memory to help recovering addicts (so far $966). That will be at 1 p.m. Even thinking about the 11th makes my stomach start to hurt.

If I'm honest, those are not the only days I'm counting down. I'm quite excited to be going home to see Michael. We will be going on the 22nd and coming back here on the 28th. Not long enough for me, but it will have to do. I had a picture collage blanket made for him as he's been struggling with missing us and other things. Just wanted to give him something that would hopefully bring him some comfort. He loved it!  Yesterday we overnighted ($ouch$) some goodies I'd baked to him and John so he'd have some of the same treats he grew up getting at the holidays (fudge, snickerdoodles, peanut butter cookies, choc. chip cookies, mini muffins (banana nut, pumpkin, and zucchini).  He should be getting those shortly. Other than seeing our church family from there and of course spending as much quality time as possible with Mike, I don't care about seeing too many other people.

That's it, quick update.

8 more days

8 days...Selfishly I hate it that you're not here with us anymore. I miss you so much and sometimes I am still mad at you...why did you go? Why didn't you listen? Why couldn't I love you enough for you to love yourself? I know you're free from all of the self-doubt, self-loathing you had. No more bipolar. No more feeling "less than." Only love. We just miss you so, so much. Sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks just thinking about those last days we had together. Part of me thinks, if I hadn't scraped off the ice/snow from your car, then you wouldn't have been able to go, but then you wouldn't have been able to come to us like you did and spend all of those beautiful days with us. I cherish those days. You laying in my lap so I could run my fingers through your hair. Hearing your precious laughter. Snuggling. Holding hands. Singing. Fixing spinach dip together at your apartment. I wanted so, so many more of those times with you. But I also wouldn't want you back in this world that's so full of darkness and pain. This world that made you doubt yourself and your worth. I can never tell you enough how much I love you, Sugarbear. I see me holding you and dancing around the living room when you were little singing Lucky One, and that's how I felt, so lucky to be your momma. Your eyes and smile would light up a room, and that big laugh was just icing on the cake. I miss you my sweet. Love, Momma