One year...

Wednesday the 10th I was really struggling. It's the anxiety of knowing that that day is just right around the corner. We went to eat that night at Los Arcos and two songs that Amanda used to sing came on and then Martina McBride's Concrete Angel came on. I remember Amanda heard that the first time and just bawled at how sad it was. She then watched the video and had me watch it with her. After hearing that at Los Arcos, I just lost it. I couldn't eat. I couldn't quit crying. I just asked for a box and we had to leave.  I guess I will have those grief avalanches from time to time.

Thursday, December 11 was difficult. Not traumatic, but it was difficult. All throughout the day we would have flashbacks of where were we at this time, what was going on? What were we experiencing, did we still have hope? In the morning I kept watching the clock for 9:30, the time I got the phone call from Amanda's phone, but it was the hospital. About 10:30 when Tim got there. Seeing her laying there so still, eyes partly open, pale, bluish nail beds. On and on it went. 

We still had to make and serve lunch that day, though Jean and Caroline did a fabulous job taking care of that. Around 12:20 Tim and I headed over to the bank to get the cashier's check to take to New Life House. We added to what was collected to make it an even $2,000 to donate. We went on over to NLH and were met by Margie, who is the house manager. We visited with her for a little while before Suzy, the director, came out to visit with us. They are both recovering addicts who used to live at the house as residents.

In talking with Suzy, we discovered that Erica Hollowell used to be a resident there, and apparently she and Suzy still keep in contact. Suzy graciously said that we might want to keep our check now that we knew Erica used to be a resident there. We said, no, it's to help the girls who are trying to get clean. We found out that they do Bible studies there and they volunteer at Families Feeding Families, or at least used to. I don't remember exactly if they still do.

While we were there, Jeff Hill from our GriefShare group came in the door and I was like, "What are you doing here??"  He drove down from Sherman just to bring his donation since he hadn't had a chance to get it in the mail in time. The grand total that was donated, including Jeff's $75 and the $250 from the Caddo Martha's Circle was $2325.00 in memory of Amanda. Praise God! Even Kent and Janice donated!?!  They (she) said they would, but I didn't know if they actually would.  The ladies cried when I gave them the check. They were so surprised and pleased that it was as much as it was. There were hugs all around.

I was surprised as Linda actually texted me. John texted me, too, but that's not a surprise. Kelly texted (I think) and called Tim, as did Linda call Tim. He didn't answer, though. He said he couldn't deal with stress on top of what he was already feeling that day.

It's still so hard to wrap my head around never being able to see my baby girl again in this life. I know I have eternity with her, but that's "then" and I don't know how long I will have to wait for that. It's hard to fathom the concept of relegating my life with my child as a sort of "before" and "after."  I still struggle every day. It's true that I do have "good" days, I laugh, I enjoy my time with Tim, and I'm definitely looking forward to our upcoming trip home, but only to see Michael and our church family. 

I know I've learned a lot and maybe grown since she died. In some ways it's good, I guess. It has opened our eyes and we don't always like what we see, but it has also made us more acutely aware of people who are hurting. In certain ways we've been tremendously hurt by "family" and then we've been abundantly blessed by others in our lives and have had people become like new family to us, who have chosen to walk with us through this and not turn away. I know we weren't the only ones grieving Amanda, but in my mind, you turn to the others you know are grieving also to mutually support one another and not away from and ignore them completely and choose not to support anything they do in memory of that person that these people "loved so much."  I mean for crying out loud, even Kent and Janice contributed!  Ok, I need to shut up about that. It gets me nowhere. There were people who loved and supported us and that's who and what I need to remember and not focus on who didn't <mental slap>.

I guess that's all for now.