Grief work is exhausting

I thought that it was exhausting just grieving. Just getting up everyday since Amanda died and somehow making it to the end of the day has been work enough, it seemed. Some days are better than others. I read the grief books. I have crying spells. But last night at Grief Care we started Beyond the Broken Heart and today I started on some of the homework, which really focuses thought on my feelings, my anger, my guilty feelings, taking me back to that day and before. I realized in my grief work today that I needed to talk to Amanda, to write her a letter and apologize to her for everything and be very specific about those things. I needed to verbalize what I'm angry at, who I'm angry at and ask for her forgiveness so that maybe one day I can forgive myself. I do feel responsible for having set her on the path of self-loathing. I feel so incredibly guilty. So on the way home from work today, instead of writing her a letter, I just started talking to her like she was right there in the car with me. I talked to her the whole way home and poured out my heart, my hurts, my sorrow, my anger and I asked for her forgiveness. I told her over and over all of the specific things I am sorry for. I sobbed and just told her how much I love her. I told her how much I miss her every single day and how I would gladly trade places with her if I could. I went back to her source of pain, the topic of her potential adoption, and told her again how much I love her and that I always, always wanted to be her Mommy and that's why I got her back. I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to raise her. I was emotionally spent and exhausted when I was done. I hope one day I can forgive myself for moving us here. If it weren't for that, she would likely still be here. I love you my Sugarbear. Always and forever.