1/10/14

Being back has been rough. We've spoken several times to the detective. I still can't believe the people at whose house she was at packed up everything, rented a U-Haul and fled to CA. My mind screams "Guilty!" but I know it's just circumstantial evidence. I want answers and I want truth.

We have had to go pick up her temporary urn. No parent should ever have to do that. With it was the certificate thing that comes with it. It shows when the cremation was done, what time it started and stopped. The thought of the process sickens me. The thought of her having had to have an autopsy and all that entails sickens me. I know it wasn't done to "her," but that body housed the daughter I knew and loved before she was born. I felt that body move inside of me and kick.

Her car is up at the Wesley. I pulled it over to the side of the building as I was going to vacuum it out, but so far it's been too cold and/or rainy to do it. It hurts to see it, but it will hurt not to see it, too, whenever we have to sell it or whatever.

Today has been terrible. A month ago she and I spent that last beautiful day together going to and from Ada. The last time I saw my baby alive. I hurt so much. Working is an absolute chore. Pretty much everything is a chore. I don't want to do anything! It takes me forever to finish a task. My mind is always wandering. Everything makes me cry. I get overwhelmed by simple things. I just want to hold my baby. I want to be with my baby. I want to protect my baby.

Everyone has been really nice and all that since we've been back. I get a lot of offers to talk or at least people saying they are available to talk, but I don't know if I can. I feel like I'm going to be bringing everyone down if I open up. Tim is my safe harbor, the one I can be totally open with. I feel guilty for not having prolonged our day that day...maybe she wouldn't have gone. I feel guilty for wishing, in part, she was still here when she is perfect where she is at, and there is no more brokenness to deal with.

I've had to have some dealings with her father, Kent, and his wife, Janice. I had notified Connie, Kent's mom, the night Amanda died out of courtesy. I felt they had a right to know at least. I've since had a few messages back and forth between Janice and I (not unpleasant ones) and one phone call with Kent. I hadn't spoken to him in 17 years. It pissed me off. NOW they want to be concerned about Amanda? NOW they want to know her more? I finally told them that she reached out to them 2x and both times she was basically told, "we're not ready." It took a lot of courage for her to reach out at all. She already struggled with her identity and naturally wanted to know her biological father and his family to help her know herself better. But NOW??? I told them that I would let them know, if they still wanted, about the investigation into her death and that I'm sure they have some feelings about her death (likely mostly guilt), but that she had parents who loved her and cared for her every single day, that they didn't want to know her when she was alive so why bother now. I've not heard anything since.

Today we got the video in the mail from her service in NC. I wasn't sure I could watch it yet as I've been hyperemotional today. Tomorrow marks a month since she died. Tim and I went in our room and watched it together. Seeing her beautiful face, the songs that we had selected, parts of the slideshow set to the music, and the personal recordings people had done for us was overwhelming. I wept for her, for us, for all she went through, for what we are going through being separated from her now, and for what we lost, future-wise in losing her. I wish I didn't have to wait to see her again. The video was beautiful and well put together. I will cherish it always.