It's Time...

It's time...

I don't want to write about this, but I have to write about this. I don't even want to think about it and yet, that's all I think about. My. baby. is. gone. It has been nearly a month since Amanda passed. I want answers. I'm mad. I'm guilt-ridden. I'm heartbroken and crushed. I want to scream, cry, throw things, and curl up in a ball and just cry and sleep. I don't want to take care of me. I don't want to take care of my parents. I don't want to wake up another day to this being reality. I'm mad at God but I know he didn't take her or make this happen. I know he welcomed her into Heaven with all of the love and acceptance that she had searched her whole life for outside of her family, and regrettably, that she sometimes felt she didn't get it INSIDE her family. I know she has no more bipolar. No more feelings of unworthiness. No more self-loathing. No more trying to cope with the internal pain through drugs.

We thought things had started turning around. She was waiting to hear back from IHOP for a hostessing job. We had just gotten her an apartment that we were going to pay the rent on for a year. That was November 22. She wasn't even fully unpacked yet. She hated living by herself and was anticipating a roommate coming in soon. She loved the freedom of being able to come and go, but she never liked being alone.

The ice storm hit here in early December. She had confessed to having tried heroin. She felt terrible for having done so. So full of shame. I was trapped in Bennington at Dad's and couldn't get to her. She was terribly depressed. I was able to text with her and asked Tim (who was trapped at the Wesley in Durant) to have the police go do a welfare check on her (as she was stuck at her apartment because of the ice). He ended up having the Southeastern police drive him over to her apartment. She was actually in her car trying to warm it up so she could try to get to him. He picked her up and went back to the Wesley where Tim got to pour into her for 2 days. He got to tell her that everyone messes up and does things they regret, but that we just love her no matter what and will always be in her corner and trying to help her in any way. The walls were down and he really got to spend some good time with her. They talked, watched movies, she got online, and also texted with me. I know he said at one point that she said, "I just want my mama." He said, "I'm not your mama, but I'm the next best thing and I love you!" The next day I was able to drive into town. He had been able to take her back to her apartment for a little bit and she wanted us to stay the night! We were all excited. We picked up some food for lunch and also bought food at WM for us to have for supper. We got stuff to make her favorite spinach dip. She was really so happy that we were all there together. I got to take a picture of her that night as we watched a movie, which is now my background on my phone. She just looked happy, peaceful, and content. We watched Jingle All the Way. Later we all went up to the Wesley where we had supper and watched the other two movies we had rented. She laid in my lap and I got to run my fingers through her hair. Her feet were on Tim and I think he tickled them some. We were all eating up the time together. We all went back to her apartment later where she gave Tim and I her bed and she slept on the couch. What a beautiful night. The next day we went to work and she texted me later saying I'd left some stuff at her apartment that I was supposed to take to my dad's. I told her I'd come over on my lunch after I ran to the bank. She texted, Good! I get to see my pretty mama again! I went over there and chatted with her, at the rest of my sandwich from Arby's from the day before and got some nice big hugs. We were happy to see each other again, even if just for a few minutes. Later she said she was going to go to her friend Julia's house as I had a migraine and was going to go home. Tim was disappointed as he had hoped to stay the night again at her apartment and just hang out with her more. She texted me later saying she had gone on home as she had a headache and Julia had a houseful of people over. Tim was disappointed as she didn't let him know she had gone home and he stayed at the Wesley. The next day, Tuesday the 10th, I wasn't even supposed to be at work but had brought the cats up there to give them flea baths. I also knew I had to run to Ada for my meds. When I was thinking about heading out, Amanda stopped in. I asked her if she wanted to go with me, and to my surprise and delight, she said yes. We had such a great time. She didn't realize how far away Ada was so I asked her if she wished she had rethought her decision to come with me, and she said No, because she wouldn't have gotten to spend all that time with her Mama. We held hands, we sang goofy songs, we just talked and goofed around. She even took a picture of us in the car on the way. We would say the same thing at the same time and then laugh at how much alike we were.

At one point, though, on the way, her phone rang. It was this boy, Ryan. She had told us that he was the one who had given her the heroin and that she had been his ride down to Dallas to get it. They had had a falling out a week or so before and hadn't been speaking. She said he had flipped out on her when she had told him that she didn't want to be his ride anymore, that she didn't want to do it anymore and just needed to step back. She said he had threatened to kill her. She had told us that she was afraid of him and that he was "crazy." I asked her who was on the phone as I could tell she was surprised. She said it was Ryan. I asked her what he wanted and why he was calling. She said he had called to apologize to her and ask her for a ride. I asked her if she didn't find that a little coincidental that he apologizes to her and in the same breath asks for a ride. She said yeah, but I can't believe he actually apologized. I told her I didn't trust him. She said she didn't trust him either, but she trusted herself. She said he had offered her $100 to take him somewhere. I told her I didn't want her to go. I begged her to please not go. She squeezed my hand and said, "I'll be fine Mama, I promise." I looked out the side window, upset, as I could tell she was going to go anyway. She squeezed my hand again so I would look at her, and she said, "I promise." I asked her to just stay away, that she wasn't strong enough, that if she really wanted away from all of that, then she needed to stay totally away. She said she just wanted to find out where he wanted her to take him, that if it was to Dallas, she would know what that was about and wouldn't take him.

My mind was racing. Do I take her out to supper to prolong this day and maybe she will change her mind about going? I had started supper in the crock pot before leaving that morning and knew my parents eat early. Part of what I needed to finish supper was at the Wesley still. It was about 5:15 when I dropped her off at the Wesley. I ran in to get my stuff and the cats, and we said we loved each other. Tim saw her leaving and heading down 3rd Street (her apartment is on 1st) and she waved real big at him. He called and asked me where she was going and I told him I wasn't certain but told him about the call and figured that is where she was headed. We were both very upset and worried for her. Later in the evening I got a message from her on FB asking how dinner was (she had told me earlier that she wanted me to save her some chicken and dumplins). She said, "How was dinner lucky butt?" I said it was Mmm Mmm Good. That was the last I ever heard from my baby.

I will have to continue this tomorrow...