One Month Ago...

Today was rough. I've been thinking about Tim's 40th birthday tomorrow and how we've been so sad and I felt bad that he doesn't really want to do anything, but I completely understand. Usually the kids blow us off on our birthdays. This year Michael sent Tim a card that he got yesterday that had both of us crying. It was probably the first one that Michael really put his heart into, and it really moved us both. We wish Amanda was still here to blow off Tim's birthday. At least she was here when she did that. We "knew" we'd see her later that day or evening. Anyway, in my musings earlier in the day I realized the date...January 8. Just one month ago is when I took the picture on my phone of Amanda when we were at her apartment. I had been sitting in the recliner and she on the couch near me. We'd been holding hands occasionally and then I asked her to look at me so I could take her picture. She just had this sweet, content, peaceful smile. We had brought Arby's for lunch and had bought a chicken and potato salad and stuff to make spinach dip, which she helped me make, and the big loaf of French bread. I remember she was helping me in the kitchen and we were talking about how I could come over and teach her to cook now that she had her own place. We watched Jingle All the Way on Netflix as we'd never seen it. We all laughed and had a great time just being together. Later we grabbed some of the food and took it and the 2 movies we'd rented and went to the Wesley as the BluRay player was up there. She was laying on my lap on one of the couches. Sam joined us (which Amanda liked as she thought he was cute). I know she took a picture while she laid on my lap but I don't think it turned out well because of the lighting. I got to run my fingers through her hair and just love on her. I miss that so much and am so thankful we had that opportunity. I miss her laugh, her smile, the way she smelled when she got out of the shower. I miss everything. I miss her big heart and I even miss her stubbornness. I always told her if she could channel that stubbornness into something positive, she could go far. 

I was driving down Banty Road today on the way to town listening to the new Steven Curtis Chapman CD I bought yesterday. There's this song that really spoke to how we always tried to help Amanda see herself the way we saw her, the way God saw her, as a masterpiece, priceless, beautiful, but all she saw was her flaws or what she perceived to be flaws. It made me cry. We wanted so much for her to see how precious she is. I know she knows now...I wish she knew then. 

Later when I was in Walmart, as I was leaving, I saw this girl, Leah West, that Amanda had taken she and her mom to Arkansas so that her mom could get a knee surgery. She was who Amanda had been hanging with when my Altima got messed up last year (not the wreck). The back window smashed out, etc. And now that girl just wanted to trash talk Amanda. Also with her was Timmy Dooley, the one Amanda thought might be her roommate at one point. I had this fury well up in me, and I remember thinking, why not them? I was quickly convicted for sitting in judgment of them. They may still have life on earth, but what is earth but broken and twisted. Amanda has eternity in Heaven, and so will we.

One month ago...how drastically life has changed. Still, I have to praise God for allowing us to have those days with her, that precious time pouring into her telling her how much we love her and would do anything to help her, that nothing she could ever, ever do would change that, that she would always be our baby girl. So I will hold onto those precious memories and still raise shaking hands in praise to the One who let me be her mom.