2nd Service

Thursday, December 19, Tim and I got a ride from Dewey to the airport. He had given us buddy pass tickets and we would be on standby, but we got the first flight out to NC, so that was good. We had had to be up at like 3:30 or so and at the Wesley at like 4 or a bit after. I don't remember. Anyway, it was early and I know I hadn't slept much the night before. 

Bob Wynn was picking us up at the airport. He was a site for sore eyes. We talked all the way back to Greenville. When we got there, he took us to Tipsy to see Mike and figure out where we were going to be staying as we had no idea. Even though we'd just seen Mike a few days prior, it was so good just to hug him and hold onto him. Bob and Holly let us use Holly's car while we were in town, and we dropped Bob off at one of his daughter's place of employment. We ended up staying at Ms. Trudy's, which was a true blessing. She had already asked us to please stay there, but we weren't really sure. We didn't want to inconvenience anyone, but she wouldn't hear of us not staying there. Being in her home was like walking into the peace and presence of God. It felt like the biggest, warmest hug. We had our own room on one side of the house where we slept in her granddaughters' two twin beds, but it was cozy and we had our privacy and our own bathroom. 

That first night back in town was overwhelming. It was just too much, too much traffic, too many businesses, too many memories flooding my brain, and being bombarded with the reason we were home. We ate that first night at Fuji's in honor of Amanda.

While we were there, we got to see Brian and Angie, go to church on Sunday which was just so perfect, go to Christmas Eve communion service, have coffee with Will, spend time with Trudy, hang out with Michael, take him shopping, have lunch at Japan Inn with him, go to the movies, etc. We got to spend a few days with Lola, too.  She and I went to the tattoo artist who had done Amanda's tattoo and had Amanda's owl tattoo done, me on my left thigh (same as Amanda's) and Lola on leg but higher up towards the hip. That was painful but I wanted to do it to make Amanda smile. We went to Linda and John's house for Christmas Eve and stayed the night after the service at Covenant and then went to Rob and Christy's on Christmas Day. Amanda never left my mind and it all felt wrong to be anywhere without her.

We had to meet with Bob at Covenant and the rest of the team who was putting together her service. We got to discuss what we wanted, timing of things, etc. We had brought all of the 8x10s and 5x7s in a scrapbook so had to re-buy all new frames which we later donated to the youth for a senior year thing they do. We had to pick out flowers for her service and Charlene Silver had gotten us in touch with a friend of theirs who works at a funeral home to borrow an urn.  The guy from Pip Printing comped our service programs which was such a blessing. Everyone was just really loving and going out of their way to support us. The church had set up a hotel room across town by the hospital if we wanted it, but honestly, we felt so loved and comforted just being at Trudy's, we continued to stay with her.  

Saturday the 21st came. Amanda's friend, Zacc, was staying at a hotel in Greenville, and I told him we would pick him up for the service. We got there at the agreed upon time and he wasn't out front. I tried his phone, no answer. The manager tried his room, no answer. We drove around the hotel, no Zacc. Finally, the manager told Tim what room he was in so we went and pounded on the door, no answer. I finally took my keys and pounded on the glass. He shows up in his underwear and a blanket around him. He'd overslept. We were already late by this time from when we were supposed to be there (not late for the service, though). He ended up just throwing on some clothes and running downstairs. He was so apologetic. We got to the church and there were already lots of people there. People from my old work, Shaun and Heather, people drove up from SC, Kelly and Michael from NJ, just lots and lots of people. We went into the "family room" and talked with everyone in there. It was all very overwhelming. I loved the way we were able to decorate (and Covenant staff) for her service. They had given us a prayer shawl that complimented her borrowed urn and we had draped that around the urn like a big hug. We had put her Baby Bop up next to her urn and picture to represent who she was, a woman child. Everything about the service was outstanding. Rob Hall sang a song that Amanda had loved in House Church. He said when she sang that, it was the first time he'd heard her sing and what a beautiful voice she had; it had blown him away. He and Susan Todd also sang a song by Gungor, Beautiful Things that we had requested. They played a song earlier by Tenth Avenue North, You Are More that I had dedicated to Amanda previously. Ernest Silver had sung an original song for Amanda called Shining Star. The message that Bob gave, we hope Michael really paid attention to, it was how we live in this broken world and bad stuff does happen, but God doesn't cause them to happen, but he was there to welcome Amanda into heaven based on a choice she made previously...that we all make choices every single day, some good, some bad, but that Amanda gets to spend eternity with Christ because of the single best decision she ever made, to accept Christ, and that because of that and our faith in Christ, we have that hope to see her again, that this is not the end. What Satan intended for bad, God intended for good, and Satan thinks he had the last say, but God had the ultimate victory in Amanda's life and in her death here on earth. It was perfect. Even Tim's old drama team from youth wanted to help out, so they served as ushers. That brought tears to Tim's eyes that they loved him so much that they chose to take their time to do that.

The line to see us afterwards stretched on and on. I thought people would leave, get impatient waiting, but no one did. It was amazing the amount of people who came. Even Dianne, Cierra, and GG came. Pastor Branson said he'd invited Dianne to church for 7 years but she never stepped foot in until that day. Everyone was so gracious and loving. It was humbling to see how many people loved us and loved our girl. 

By the time we had to leave to come back home, I was ready to stay. I did not want to leave Michael again and the guilt of leaving him there to grieve without us tore me up. I had guilt of not wanting to go back when I know Dad needed us, and guilt of not staying to be with Michael when I know he needs us. I am thankful that Mike's friends were being super supportive of him, but it's not the same as having mom and dad there.

We had to leave for the airport at 4 a.m. and the mom of two of Tim's drama kids drove us back to Raleigh. She was soooo sweet.  We were split up on the first leg of the flight back, but at least we got on it. It was packed so it was iffy if we would get on. Dewey and Norene picked us up. The whole trip was so very emotional. We were happy to be back home and with our home church and friends but not for that reason. We had initially planned on going back as an anniversary trip but in April or so, so being back in NC for this was not what we wanted, of course.

Anyway, jumping ahead to today, Jan. 9th., it's Tim's 40th birthday. I gave him the Father/Daughter Willow Tree figurine and card that I'd bought him. He cried. I knew he would, but I also knew he'd love it because it represented his bond and relationship with our baby girl. We went to Arby's for lunch. I had quite a big meltdown earlier in the day at work. I just miss her so much and I want justice for her if it's to be had. I want the truth. I hate how hard her life was with the bipolar and never feeling like she was enough. I feel like someone has sucker punched me or reached right into my chest and torn out my heart. I feel like there's just this big gaping hole there since she's gone. I will be glad when the detective working Amanda's case gets back to work next week. 

After work, I took Tim to Tokyo steakhouse and we had supper just the two of us. He had lots of phone calls and texts throughout the day. I'm sure his FB is blown up with messages.  Anyway, I didn't sleep much last night and the emotional roller coaster is taking a toll on me. That's all for tonight.