People keep telling me I'm being so strong. No, I'm really, really not. I don't even know what that's supposed to look like, or what that really means to them. I try, sometimes unsuccessfully, to not have a complete breakdown when I'm out in public. Tim sees me cry, he knows my heart, the things that trip me up. We saw something the other day and it was talking about a drug overdose and it's like a stab in the heart. Tonight daddy had flipped channels and had stopped on Million Dollar Baby. I've never seen it so we were both watching it. Then it happened. One of the characters is in the hospital on life support, and Clint Eastwood disconnects the respirator. I had to leave the room. Too close to home. Too soon.
I made a list of questions while I was at work, at the end of my day, that I wanted the detective to ask the medical examiner in OKC. I had placed a call in to him earlier in the day but never heard back. Finally, I just emailed the questions to him. Also, this morning I called the funeral home to see about her death certificate, but I had already suspected, that they didn't have them in yet as her cause of death is still pending. I guess realistically it could still be months.
Nothing else new to say. I just miss my baby girl. We didn't always have the best relationship, and I do regret that, but I know that Amanda knew she was loved and that she knew if she were ever in trouble or in a situation she felt uneasy about or whatever, that she could call and I'd be there, the same with Tim. I hope and pray that those people haven't disappeared off the radar since getting to CA and that God will allow the truth to come out, whatever that may be. I just need to know how and why my baby died. I guess I'll update more when I hear something from the detective.
My roller coaster experience of losing our 19-year-old daughter and walking through all that entails.
I hear the strong word, too. And I don't know what it means either. In my case, I guess it means that I keep putting one foot in front of the other. That is not strength to me. I have no choice in what I do. If I had a choice I would walk away and stop doing what I am doing and feeling what I am feeling. That is not strength. That is lack of choice.
ReplyDeleteAs far as whether you had the best relationship? You had the best relationship that circumstances allowed. And, as long as she knew that she was loved and that she could count on you, you could have done nothing more important for her. Those are the two greatest gifts that you could have ever given.
I love you. Hugs.
And that's just it, too...I just keep waking up because what other choice do I have? I still have Tim and Michael to be here for. I still have my parents that need me, and maybe, just maybe that's why we are here...because in God's provision, he led us here knowing what was going to happen to Amanda and that I would need a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other. It's like when Mom died. I had Michael who was depending on me, so I couldn't just curl up in a ball and whither away, though that is very much what I felt like doing, and feel like doing now. I love you, N.
Delete