Service #1

Going through storage and getting pictures and then putting pictures in frames was heartwrenching, but lining them all up on the tables at the Wesley and knowing what it was all for...It was devastating to look at them, the laughter, those big, beautiful eyes and her smile, the subtle changes over the years. Tim had bought two digital frames that he uploaded the photos from the slide show on to be played at her service.

I had to buy a top for her service and it just seems unreal...shopping for a top to wear to your child's memorial service?! That isn't right. When I was in Walmart, I just felt like I was in a haze, lost, so small and vulnerable. I didn't want to be shopping for a top to wear for this!!  I would see something, a purse, or a top, or anything that she would like and it would unravel me. I saw her favorite candybar, Hershey's Cookies 'N Cream and I wanted to buy it for her. I saw my friend, Pamela and her mom, and I just went to her and got the biggest hug and had a meltdown. I don't know how to do this. I don't want to have to know how to do this. I remember feeling angry that the rest of the world got to go on but my world had just fallen apart and it was never, ever going to be the same again. I wanted to scream, "Don't you care??? My baby died! Doesn't anyone care? Don't you know??" 

Tim and I had to go pick out flowers for her service at our church in Durant. Small details are so hard. We wanted it to be so pretty. Something she would look down from Heaven and see and smile because she knew we were doing everything to make it special and beautiful just for her.  We picked out a guest book from Hallmark. All of these things, I didn't care what anything cost, it just had to be good for Amanda. It was the last nice thing we could do for her and we were going to do everything we could to honor her and show how much she was cherished.

We didn't really come home to Bennington much. It was too much...to be there and have to deal with Mom and Dad and try to grieve and finalize arrangements, etc. We needed "our" space to just be together, just Tim and I.  We were a complete mess.

I had already mentioned Brown's Funeral Services in another post, but to have to go make arrangements for your child's service, cremation, etc. is unnatural. They were very compassionate and super helpful. Since getting the legal paperwork completed to actually perform the cremation was going to take too long and we'd planned to have her service here in Durant on the 18th and in Greenville, NC, on the 21st, they let us pick out a very pretty urn. It was a pretty blue/turquoise Cloissone style urn with silver birds flying away on it. It was so pretty.

The day of her service (18th - Wednesday), I went to get my hair cut and we had our clothes there at the Wesley. We took the car to the carwash to get all of the mud off from Dad's road so we wouldn't get slimed in our nice clothes when we got out. I remember it was about 80 degrees that day and so pretty out and I thought it was odd...I felt like it should be cold and gray and gloomy like I felt inside. And I remember thinking that Amanda would complain about how hot it was. She hated being hot.

Finally, around 3 or so we went to the church with all of the pictures, etc. Lindy was there and helped us as did Christy Hamilton. We had her little girl pictures lined up in front of the alter on the kneeling pads, her borrowed urn on a pedestal in the center of the stage with a bigger, taller table behind it with a picture of her angled to the side and one of the vases of the flowers we bought on the other side.  It looked so pretty. We had her big "baby head" picture on a standing easle.  On either side of the room in the front of the sanctuary we had tables covered in table cloths with pictures, a photo album, her baptism certificate, etc. for people to browse.  In the back of the sanctuary by the guestbook, we had the other vase of flowers we bought. My friend, Shirley, had sent a basket of mostly white daisies and pink carnations. It was so pretty. We had the digital frames playing as well as other photos scattered on a table where people would enter.  We were pleased with how it looked when we were done and then left to get ready for the service.

I remember it was hard to do my makeup as my hands were shaking and also thinking it was so ludicrous to even worry about makeup at such a time but also thinking that I wanted Amanda to say, "You look so pretty Mama!" I wanted to look pretty for her. If God gave her a window seat in Heaven for that night, I wanted her to be pleased with every detail.

I honestly do not remember much about the service. I know Dewey and John traded off jobs. Dewey did the more personal aspects as he had reached out to Amanda multiple times and we wanted him to be the one to do the service.  There were quite a few people there. My aunts Sheila, Martha Kay, and even Pat were there, along with my Uncle Jack. My parents were in the front with us and Mom kept asking questions and couldn't hear and I was wondering how long that was going to go on and if I would lose it if it did. Everyone from church was so nice. I remember that on FB I had let many, many, many people know when her service was going to be and had spread the word. I was disappointed that out of all of the people that Amanda had helped or tried to help here, only one person that SHE knew had come, and he had had to beg a ride from Denison, Texas, to get there, but it meant that much to him. Alex was only 1 of 2 people who had bothered to come see her in the hospital after her accident and the only one to come to her funeral. I was sad for Amanda, but also touched that it meant that much to him to come.  I know the line of people to come give us hugs was fairly substantial considering the size of the church. I remember people giving us hugs and telling us they love us and I had no idea who they were other than they probably went to our church.  Some were probably from the Sunday school classes as one of them on the Sunday after Amanda passed had us come to the front of the church and they laid hands on us and prayed over us. That was so emotional and powerful how people just wanted to show so much love for us. I remember that day one lady gave me her cross necklace and another one gave me her earrings. They didn't have much to give but wanted to do something to show they cared. Beautiful people.

I don't remember much after the service. I know it all got packed up and we took it back to the Wesley. We gave Amanda's flowers to the church to use as they wished. I think they sent them to a nursing home. The small basket Shirley had sent I brought home to give to Mom.  I remember thinking at some point about how I knew the busyness was holding back the torrent that was coming, but that it would come, and I was worried about me. Holding onto Jesus and Tim. That's all I can do. I'm just holding on trying to keep my head above water. It brings me to my knees just thinking about not seeing my baby girl again here, and I know it's not forever, but this road sure seems long...