The Day After and More

To be honest, this day is a fog. Well, most days since have been a fog. I know at some point we went to Amanda's apartment. Walking in was surreal. There are the cups from Arby's from when we'd picked up lunch for all of us. There are the dishes in the sink from when she and I made the spinach dip together. Her "watermelon blankie" is still on the couch. The apartment smells like her. There are storage tubs that she never had a chance to fully unpack. Tim and I collapse in a heap. I scream and cry. Tim weeps. This isn't real. This can't be real. Why is this happening? Why baby? Why did you go over there?? Whyyyyy...We would have done anything to help you. You always tried to see the best in people and some people just took advantage of your big heart, you desire to help the broken. Tim is sick. He had started feeling sick yesterday while we were at the hospital but it's getting worse. We wander around her apartment just wanting to be where she was, wanting to see the things she loved, wanting to lay on her pillows and hold her Baby Bop. If I could, I would freeze everything in that place just as it was. I don't want this stuff, but it's all I have left of my baby. I want her here. I want to hold her. I want to protect her. God, the hurt is so deep. It sucks the breath out of me. It hurts to move. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to feel anything. 

Pastor Dewey and another gentleman had gone to pick Michael up from the airport. At some point in the afternoon, they brought him to Amanda's apartment. We rush out to meet him and just hold each other and cry. We go into her apartment together. Michael is just taking in "her space." He is so heartbroken. His little sister. The one he would do all sorts of goofy antics for just to get her to laugh. He was the one person who could tell things to her straight and she would listen to him, usually without cussing him out :)  She idolized him. She missed him so much. She always talked about how much she wanted to go home and see Michael. His trip here in July had been great right up to the end, and then I think they'd had their fill of each other and it was back to squawking at each other. But when push came to shove, they always loved each other and always would take up for the other.  

I really don't know what else we did while he was here. I know he went through her room and some of her jewelry. I told him to take a pair of earrings for Lola that Amanda had loved. I also showed him this elephant pendant necklace that she had loved. It had sort of an African carving look to it. He took that and ended up having it tattooed on his arm when he got back to NC in her memory. We just spent a lot of time loving on each other. I was so proud of him. I didn't know how he would respond given the circumstances and the fact that we had had to remove her from life support before he got there and he'd wanted to see her. I was so glad he was there. I think that he ended up being more support to Tim and I than we were to him. We are all so crushed that this happened.

I know the next day Tim and I went to Urgent Care as he was just getting worse and knew he had to be better to make all of the crazy decisions and stuff we would have to make. Mike stayed out in the car while we were in and it took longer than anticipated. I think we bought him some clothes at one point but I can't be sure. I know we went out to eat at some point, but none of us really had an appetite. I remember feeling guilty for sleeping at all or eating at all. I remember the horror of it all trying to invade my mind and wanting to shake it away and not let it be real. I loved having Michael here but not for this reason. Never for this reason. Because we had decided to have one service for her here in Durant for my family and our church friends and any of her "friends" here who might want to attend, and a second service back in NC since that's where she grew up, we told Mike he could go back if he wanted to. He only works part-time and has no bereavement pay. So we took him back to the airport in the afternoon. I know that before we left Amanda's apartment before Mike left, Tim swiped her Baby Bop and I got her Watermelon Blankie, things she loved and loved to snuggle with that gave her comfort. We needed some of her, something she loved, to bring us comfort, too, to make us feel like we had a piece of her with us.

We have been swamped by calls and texts and food, messages on Facebook, voicemails, donations, etc. Everyone has been so great but I'm not really ready to talk. Talking about it makes it real, and I don't want this reality. At first we were going to fly her body back to NC to have her buried there as that's where she would want to be location wise. The cost of that would be too much for us. We chose cremation. I know that's just her shell, that she is in Heaven, but I gave birth to that shell, I raised that shell and loved that shell. I nursed that shell back to health and wiped tears from her eyes. So the thought of her being cremated still horrifies me. That's one area I have to force myself not to think about. Eventually, though, the thought of leaving her ashes in NC while we live in OK made me sick to my stomach and have major anxiety. We realized that we don't HAVE to bury her anywhere, that we can keep her with us and have her buried with us later. She loved being with us, having us to herself, and that choice gave me more comfort.

We decided to use Brown's Funeral Services from the recommendation of a friend here, Janice Balkenbush, who has been a rock for us. We chose to only have them in charge of cremation and putting her obituary on their website, but I wrote her obituary. Another friend had it put in the Durant newspaper, and Tim's old boss, Will, had it put in the Greenville newspaper. We did not want a cookie cutter type memorial service or program. Tim designed the program. We collaborated about what to put in there. We wanted it to be "her." The owls were on the front to represent each of us. Tim, me, and Mike had closed eyes to represent our sadness, and Amanda's were open and bright to represent life and her being happy. On the inside cover we put her obituary with 4 pictures of her on the inside as well. The opposing inside page had what her name means and the characteristics associated with her name. On the back page we put a poem I'd written for the kids years ago. All of it was tailored to what we felt she would like and that would represent her. Tim and I had also gone through tons of pictures and narrowed it down to about 250 or so to play on a slide show. We bought 8 x 10 picture frames and went through storage to get other pictures. We selected music for her services. In all of this busyness, we had plenty of breakdowns, but the busyness helped give us something to focus on, to give her our best in this, to represent her well, and to let others know more about who she was, and, if they didn't know, that she was saved and very much alive in heaven. We wanted to honor her and share the hope we have in Jesus and that in Him, there is no death.