In the stillness of the heart...

I don't know why I write like I do. It's more like journalistic reporting...just the facts, Ma'am.  But here I sit on this Monday, when I should be working, but there is none, and I have too much time to think. Back from vacation and seeing Michael, friends, and Tim's family. Back to the stillness and quietness of the heart, and that's where/when I miss Amanda the most. Everything is back to "normal."  Nowhere to go or visits to try to squeeze in. Just back...here...with my memories and that's all I have left of you here. Of us as an intact family. Someone said we are still an intact family, we are just located in different places. And I guess that IS true. You are more alive now than you ever were here, but it's that I can't see you. I can't hold your hand or hug you or watch you sleep. I can't hear that laughter except in my memories and dreams.

I don't want you back here, not like you were, with your hurts and demons. It would be beyond selfish of me to want that. I just miss you. I don't know if I wrote this down earlier or not, but on a card we got was this saying, and I hope I don't goof it up. It said something to the effect of, "If they are with Christ, and Christ is with us, then they are never really far away." I love that, and it was sort of an ah-hah moment. I just miss her so, so much.

I don't know why her life was as tough as it was. I beat myself up about the one thing I could have NOT done and convince myself that that one thing is what set the downward spiral in motion...but do I know that for a fact? No. Is it helpful for me to tell myself that it's my fault? No. But I guess in my heart of hearts, that's what I believe. I. started. it.  And to live with that guilt?  It's what caused me initially to push Tim away. How could you even stand to look at me? How could you want to be around me? I'm horrid. I'm disgusting. I gave THAT explanation, and in my mind, that's what started her self-loathing. So, fast-forward, in effect, I killed our daughter. That's the ugliness I have in my heart. If I had given another explanation, or lied and not told the truth, she MIGHT still be here. She MIGHT NOT have turned to drugs. Heck, for all I know, she might not have ever been bipolar. What do I know??  And that's where I've had to turn it over to God. He knows the hurt and ugliness I try to stuff down so deep. I mean, who wants to think THEY ALONE are responsible for their child's pain? It's truly too much to bear, and that's what Satan wants me to do, bear it alone. Don't turn it over to God. Don't cry out to God. But I have to. No one else knows my heart. No one else truly knows her story or mine. Even I don't know my own story like the author. So God, take these ugly, self-deprecating thoughts and self-blame from me. I can't bear it. I miss my baby girl so very much, and you alone know how much my heart is broken without her here. But thank you for taking her from the misery she was in. Thank you for making her whole and walking with us while we pick up the pieces of our lives. Thank you for my husband's steadfast love for me. Thank you for making him her earthly daddy and you her heavenly one. Thank you that these tears that run down my cheeks even now, you call precious and collect every one. Thank you that not only will I be reunited with Amanda again one day, but that I can stand in your presence and worship you, can fall on my face in worship and adoration of you. You are the great I AM and no circumstances change who you are.

"None But Jesus"

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that you are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored
When you call I won't refuse
Each new day, again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know you're sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do your will
When you call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

I am yours and you are mine...

All my delight is in you Lord
All of my hope
All of my strength
All my delight is in you Lord
Forevermore

I made it through Christmas...

I really didn't want Christmas to come. Not for anything to do with the meaning of it, but because I had no idea how I would handle it and that freaked me out. My anxiety level was very high.

We went home for Christmas. I felt bad leaving Dad, but Marian was coming the day before we left, so I knew he would have good company.  It had been 9 months since we'd seen Michael, and that was just too long for me, especially with how down he had recently been.  I was excited to see him, but still wary of how to deal with Christmas with Amanda not being there.

We got to spend a good bit of time with him. He was off for four of the days that we were there. Mostly when we hung out, it was at his place. Other times we took him out to eat, once with his roommate, John, as well.  

We did some Christmas shopping and saw some friends, ate a LOT, saw some people unexpectedly. Tim got me a new wedding band and I got him the new iPhone 6-Plus. It's like a suitcase compared to his old one LOL.  He finally made the leap to a smartphone in a big way! 

I did love going to Christmas Eve service at Covenant. How I have missed that church, those people, great messages, the movement of the spirit and passionate worshippers.  We also go to go to church our last night there, Saturday night, for that evening service. It was so nice to be welcomed by so many. Hugs from people we don't always get to see.

Christmas day Tim and I had to go to New Bern for the family thing. Mike went, too, but drove separately as he had to work the next day and didn't want to be out too late. I guess it wasn't too bad, but I did have my moments of tears.  I gave Linda, Kelly, and Christy their ornaments I'd had made for them, and then the day before I had gone on Collage.com and did a collage of pictures of Amanda for Linda, sent it to CVS and had them print it. We bought an 8x10 frame and I wrapped that and gave it to her, as well.  They all seemed to like their gifts, and Christy did hang her ornament on the tree.  Linda sent me a picture the next day and had hung hers from her rearview mirror in her car.  

I don't know...I guess I was mostly just trying NOT to feel or think. Part of me feels like I should have wallowed in bed crying all day, but it does truly help to know that Amanda got to have Christmas WITH JESUS!!!  I mean, how much more awesome could that be?  I miss her terribly, but she got to celebrate Jesus' birth WITH Jesus!  It was hard not to reminisce, and I did do that some...that's usually when the tears came. Hard not to think about Christmases past.  John had seen my tears but gave me space.  He did come up to me the next day at the Dirty Santa party at Rob and Christy's and ask me if I was doing better. He mentioned that he'd seen me crying. He's been great, he really has. Linda had given me a beautiful scarf with owls on it. I made sure to wear it to the party, along with the perfume they gave me (Cool Water).  She also had brought me a book she just finished reading, Unbroken, the story of Louis Zamperini, which is quite the page-turner!!  It's so, so good!

I hate leaving there. Not that I'm in a big hurry to get back near Tim's family, BUT I would do it to get to see Michael often.  Maybe God will bring us back there one day. Who knows. For now, this is where our mission field lies, and we will be obedient to God.

One year...

Wednesday the 10th I was really struggling. It's the anxiety of knowing that that day is just right around the corner. We went to eat that night at Los Arcos and two songs that Amanda used to sing came on and then Martina McBride's Concrete Angel came on. I remember Amanda heard that the first time and just bawled at how sad it was. She then watched the video and had me watch it with her. After hearing that at Los Arcos, I just lost it. I couldn't eat. I couldn't quit crying. I just asked for a box and we had to leave.  I guess I will have those grief avalanches from time to time.

Thursday, December 11 was difficult. Not traumatic, but it was difficult. All throughout the day we would have flashbacks of where were we at this time, what was going on? What were we experiencing, did we still have hope? In the morning I kept watching the clock for 9:30, the time I got the phone call from Amanda's phone, but it was the hospital. About 10:30 when Tim got there. Seeing her laying there so still, eyes partly open, pale, bluish nail beds. On and on it went. 

We still had to make and serve lunch that day, though Jean and Caroline did a fabulous job taking care of that. Around 12:20 Tim and I headed over to the bank to get the cashier's check to take to New Life House. We added to what was collected to make it an even $2,000 to donate. We went on over to NLH and were met by Margie, who is the house manager. We visited with her for a little while before Suzy, the director, came out to visit with us. They are both recovering addicts who used to live at the house as residents.

In talking with Suzy, we discovered that Erica Hollowell used to be a resident there, and apparently she and Suzy still keep in contact. Suzy graciously said that we might want to keep our check now that we knew Erica used to be a resident there. We said, no, it's to help the girls who are trying to get clean. We found out that they do Bible studies there and they volunteer at Families Feeding Families, or at least used to. I don't remember exactly if they still do.

While we were there, Jeff Hill from our GriefShare group came in the door and I was like, "What are you doing here??"  He drove down from Sherman just to bring his donation since he hadn't had a chance to get it in the mail in time. The grand total that was donated, including Jeff's $75 and the $250 from the Caddo Martha's Circle was $2325.00 in memory of Amanda. Praise God! Even Kent and Janice donated!?!  They (she) said they would, but I didn't know if they actually would.  The ladies cried when I gave them the check. They were so surprised and pleased that it was as much as it was. There were hugs all around.

I was surprised as Linda actually texted me. John texted me, too, but that's not a surprise. Kelly texted (I think) and called Tim, as did Linda call Tim. He didn't answer, though. He said he couldn't deal with stress on top of what he was already feeling that day.

It's still so hard to wrap my head around never being able to see my baby girl again in this life. I know I have eternity with her, but that's "then" and I don't know how long I will have to wait for that. It's hard to fathom the concept of relegating my life with my child as a sort of "before" and "after."  I still struggle every day. It's true that I do have "good" days, I laugh, I enjoy my time with Tim, and I'm definitely looking forward to our upcoming trip home, but only to see Michael and our church family. 

I know I've learned a lot and maybe grown since she died. In some ways it's good, I guess. It has opened our eyes and we don't always like what we see, but it has also made us more acutely aware of people who are hurting. In certain ways we've been tremendously hurt by "family" and then we've been abundantly blessed by others in our lives and have had people become like new family to us, who have chosen to walk with us through this and not turn away. I know we weren't the only ones grieving Amanda, but in my mind, you turn to the others you know are grieving also to mutually support one another and not away from and ignore them completely and choose not to support anything they do in memory of that person that these people "loved so much."  I mean for crying out loud, even Kent and Janice contributed!  Ok, I need to shut up about that. It gets me nowhere. There were people who loved and supported us and that's who and what I need to remember and not focus on who didn't <mental slap>.

I guess that's all for now. 

Counting the Days

I've been counting the days and reliving, but not just the bad, the good...The beautiful final days we had with Amanda. For instance, on the 8th (last year), we had had the sleepover with Amanda, had brought us Arby's to eat with her, watched movies at the Wesley and one at her apartment (Jingle All the Way), fixed spinach dip together to go with the chicken, coleslaw, and potato salad. So, as a way to commemorate that special memory, Tim went and bought Jingle All the Way, and we watched it with Dad last night. I didn't even cry. It was a good memory to have and a nice way to sort of memorialize that night with her.

Today would have been the night she went to Julia's house. Tim had wanted to spend the night at her apartment again, but she didn't let him know that she'd come home from Julia's with a headache, so he'd stayed at the Wesley by himself.  I had had a migraine and unfortunately had gone home.

Tomorrow would be the day we had gone to Ada together. Our last day together on the earth. We had such a good day and I miss those good days so, so much. I had such hopes for her, for us, for more days like this and more family times. The loss of her, the loss of those times makes me so sad.

Then the 11th....the day that my world as I knew it ceased to exist. The worst day of my life, the worst day of any parent's life. My baby died. To honor her life, we will be presenting a check for the donations to New Life House in her memory to help recovering addicts (so far $966). That will be at 1 p.m. Even thinking about the 11th makes my stomach start to hurt.

If I'm honest, those are not the only days I'm counting down. I'm quite excited to be going home to see Michael. We will be going on the 22nd and coming back here on the 28th. Not long enough for me, but it will have to do. I had a picture collage blanket made for him as he's been struggling with missing us and other things. Just wanted to give him something that would hopefully bring him some comfort. He loved it!  Yesterday we overnighted ($ouch$) some goodies I'd baked to him and John so he'd have some of the same treats he grew up getting at the holidays (fudge, snickerdoodles, peanut butter cookies, choc. chip cookies, mini muffins (banana nut, pumpkin, and zucchini).  He should be getting those shortly. Other than seeing our church family from there and of course spending as much quality time as possible with Mike, I don't care about seeing too many other people.

That's it, quick update.

8 more days

8 days...Selfishly I hate it that you're not here with us anymore. I miss you so much and sometimes I am still mad at you...why did you go? Why didn't you listen? Why couldn't I love you enough for you to love yourself? I know you're free from all of the self-doubt, self-loathing you had. No more bipolar. No more feeling "less than." Only love. We just miss you so, so much. Sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks just thinking about those last days we had together. Part of me thinks, if I hadn't scraped off the ice/snow from your car, then you wouldn't have been able to go, but then you wouldn't have been able to come to us like you did and spend all of those beautiful days with us. I cherish those days. You laying in my lap so I could run my fingers through your hair. Hearing your precious laughter. Snuggling. Holding hands. Singing. Fixing spinach dip together at your apartment. I wanted so, so many more of those times with you. But I also wouldn't want you back in this world that's so full of darkness and pain. This world that made you doubt yourself and your worth. I can never tell you enough how much I love you, Sugarbear. I see me holding you and dancing around the living room when you were little singing Lucky One, and that's how I felt, so lucky to be your momma. Your eyes and smile would light up a room, and that big laugh was just icing on the cake. I miss you my sweet. Love, Momma

Silent Night

Yesterday Tim and I went to town and got our Christmas tree, ornaments and decorations out of storage. I at least wanted to attempt to decorate. I know I can't run and hide from these things forever. I need to face the memories that seeing the ornaments will dredge up. We decorated it together and I did the rest of the decorations and hung the stockings. I had found some mini owl ornaments at Walmart and bought them. I wrote 2014 on them and also remembered that we had bought an ornament in memory of Amanda when we were in Greenville for her service. We couldn't remember what the ornament was...it was just sort of a flash of us buying one as that was all such a blur, but I went into my bottom dresser drawer and found it as well as the angel ornament that my friend, Martha, had painted for me. We got it all out together without too many tears. There were some, of course, as we remembered certain memories attached to different ornaments and, of course, her putting the angel on the tree. We put a big red bow on the top and hung one of the mini owls from the bow to symbolize Amanda having always done the topper. We lost it a little bit afterwards. We just miss her so much. 

Later on I was straightening up and realized I hadn't seen Tim in a little while. I saw the light out in our room so thought he might be laying down, and he was , but he'd plugged in one of the digital picture frames and was looking at all of those pictures and crying. I laid down next to him and watched them, laughing at some but just holding his hand. We plugged in the other one and looked at those, too.

I guess because we had been listening to Christmas caroles and decorating the tree that in my sleep I wrote a poem about silent night, but of a different kind, about how loud silence can be, the absence of someone is so present. I should have written it down when I woke up but didn't; however, the basic idea of it wouldn't leave me alone. So this is for my Amanda:

SILENT NIGHT

It's another silent night
Wish you were here so I could hold you tight
Life goes on, but it doesn't feel right
Looks like another silent night.

I never knew silence could be so loud
I'm still marching on trying to make you proud
I strain to hear your voice, but I don't hear a sound
It's just another silent night.

Some days are worse than others and I'm crying in my bed
With memories and regrets playing in my head
In my dreams I hold you close, loving words we have said
Only to awaken from another silent night.

It's almost been a year since I held your hand
The weight of your loss makes it hard for me to stand
But my hope is in the One, and I'll see you again
After a few more silent nights.

Thanksgiving 2014

I was pretty ambivalent about even being present for Thanksgiving. I think part of me wanted to just stay in bed. But I had invited two of my aunts and an uncle over and while no one came, I still wanted to fix a nice meal for Tim and Dad. Tim helped me last night and today as my elbow is still hurt and it's really painful to do a lot.  Together we made for the first time ever the peanut butter balls that were Amanda's recipe that she had always asked us to make and never did. Today as We fixed food, I wore her blue Los Angeles t-shirt and her a pair of her funky knee high socks. We fixed spinach dip (for Michael and Amanda), a honey baked spiral sliced ham, Hawaiian rolls, vegetable salad, stuffing to which I added celery, red onion and cranberries, mashed potatoes and gravy, southern style green beans, deviled eggs, an apple pie, coffee cake and a dessert that I have no idea what it's called. It's supposed to be cherry pie filling on the bottom of a cake pan, then you pour a dry yellow cake mix over top and then slices of butter all over the top and bake, but Walmart was out of cherry so I did blueberry. It was good but not as good as the cherry.

Michael texted me a few times throughout the day. Linda sent me two pix of him zonked out on the couch. I was grateful that they invited him over. They all went to Rob and Christy's. Michael finally emailed me his RAOK which was really sweet and I added it to the blog.

Overall, it wasn't too terrible. I missed Amanda very much, but I also missed Michael very much, too. I missed our family...being a family of four. Having the opportunity to all be together under one roof...

On Tuesday Tim and I had the opportunity to go to New Life House where we are donating the money in memory of Amanda. It was bittersweet. I got to meet two of the girls/ladies who live there. I got to talk more to one and share our story some. I gave her a hug and even when I was ready to let go, she wasn't. I thanked her for being there, for her courage. I told her we just want to help in the hopes that even one family doesn't have to experience what we have and are. I set up a time on Dec. 11, to bring the donation check by, so it will be at 1 p.m.

Tomorrow Tim and I will go to storage and get our Christmas tree, ornaments, and decorations. I will try. I know I need to. Yes, it will be painful, but I can't hide from it to move forward, and I have to move forward. So even if I cry the whole time or have to do it in spurts, I will do it because Amanda loved Christmas, the lights and decorations and all of it. She loved when the tree was all decorated and we would turn out the lights in the living room and just have the tree lights on. Something very peaceful about that...and I need all of the peace I can get....all is calm. All is bright. Round yon virgin, mother and child.

Heading into the holidays...

So, this is "officially" my first Thanksgiving without Amanda being alive. Last Thanksgiving she was supposed to have come with us to have supper at the Wesley where I'd fixed food for the family. She hadn't wanted to go to begin with as she was afraid of judgment by certain family members for her drug use. We told her that it would be fine, that we wouldn't let anyone be ugly to her and that we would be there to support her at all times. She reluctantly agreed. That morning, however, she sent Tim a text saying she was going to Dallas with some "friends." Those friends turned out to be Ryan and Erika, and it turned out to be the first time she tried heroin. So Thanksgiving was the beginning of the fast track downward. Naturally, I have mixed emotions this Thanksgiving.

Still, I am fixing supper for Tim, Dad, and myself. My Aunt Sheila and Uncle Jack may come but it's uncertain. Aunt Kay will come if her other plans don't work out. Either way, we will have food. As I hurt my right elbow three months ago and it's too painful to lift stuff, Tim will be helping me this year with all of it.

Friday the 21st Tim and I went to the GriefShare dinner at Tuscan Slice in Sherman. Our whole class showed up, including the facilitator, Rex Brown's brother, Larry and his wife. Larry is a licensed professional counselor, and he gave a really nice talk.  We brought a collage picture of Amanda that I created and passed pictures around and told stories of our loved ones. It was a really nice time of fellowship and bonding.

Saturday we had a make-up GriefShare class with Surviving the Holidays immediately following. I feel the onslaught of tears building. I did cry and talked about my anger that "family" members are non-supportive of the things we are trying to do in Amanda's memory. It makes me feel betrayed. Thus, I do not want to see certain people when we go home for Christmas. I was specifically told by one SIL that "they decline my solicit" for the fundraiser for New Life House in Amanda's memory. This particular one probably has 20 purses and 50 pairs of shoes and I'm estimating on the very low end. They take vacations more than anyone I know and are at bars very, very frequently. I say all of this to illustrate that donating a lousy dollar just to show support would not be breaking the bank.

Sunday after church we went to the Calera UMC church where we have friends and had lunch with their congregation. Afterwards we went in and Tim helped decorate the Christmas tree in the sanctuary. Just seeing the angel on the top of the tree brought the memories flooding back. Our old sorry angel that we had forever...then when we were finally going to get another one, I told Amanda she could pick out the new tree topper. She picked out this big acrylic angel who was flying with some sort of horn. It was big and heavy and I tried to talk her out of it, but she thought it beautiful, and so we bought it. Every year we would put it up and it would make the top of the tree sag and it would make us laugh. Before we moved, we ended up selling it in a yard sale, and I'd give anything to have that back now.

Sunday for youth we delivered food boxes for needy families in our youth group. Tim and I had separated out all of the food that was collected and then went to the grocery store to buy things to make up the difference. I wasn't going to go with them to deliver the boxes. I'd stayed at the Wesley. My arm was aching really bad as I'd hurt it further the other night, and my heart was just really hurting with the memories. I did end up going, however, just not as a driver and we ended up at Krysta and Dawson's house (the kids we bought food and clothes for a few weeks back). After that we were doing the same thing with the Wesley kids, but only one family. They went with Tim in the van and delivered that box.  It was nice to see these college kids, who struggle financially anyway, pull together to bless another family.

After they all got back, we were discussing upcoming plans for the Wesley prior to Christmas, and we were talking about watching Christmas movies, and multiple times Jingle All the Way came up. Tim and I locked eyes as he knew that would tug at me. That's the movie we all watched as a family December 8, 2013, over at Amanda's apartment when we were in the middle of that ice storm and spending time with her just to love on her and support her.  That sort of breached the dam for me and I sobbed nearly the whole way home. I miss her so much. I miss that she won't be here to decorate the tree, for me to buy gifts for, to hear her sing Christmas carols, for her to ask me to sing Drummer Boy, to ask for spinach dip, to ask for snickerdoodles and all of the other goodies, to sneak and try to guess which gifts are hers.

All of those years just pass by in a flash. The kids waking us up before the crack of dawn (2, 3, 4, 5 a.m.) wanting to open gifts. Hearing them out there shaking this and peeking in their stockings. Us acting all put out and groaning as we get out of bed but secretly loving it. Putting on coffee and Amanda and I having a cup. Fixing breakfast for everyone and then getting started on Christmas dinner. I'd even take the annual arguing or griping over the screaming silence in the absence of it all.

My friend, Stacey Brinson Platt, who is also a grieving momma over her son, Caleb, said something today that resonated deeply with me:

"A person who is grieving the way we are doesn't want pity, we want people to just remember our children always. And if a person sends you a text, email or calls you or gives you a hug, that helps us know they remember them too!"

Whether anyone else in my supposed family remembers Amanda or will speak her name, Tim and I will for the rest of our lives.

I've also been so worried about Michael. He's been really depressed to the point that his roommate, John Huffman, messaged me as well.  He's lonely. He misses us. He's had trouble with this girl that he really liked. She was addicted to a bunch of crap back in PA and then moved to NC and was clean for 8 months. I feel like he's trying to "save" her as a substitute for his sister. I told him that this is not Amanda and that he may feel some sense of false guilt for being the big brother and feeling like he was supposed to protect her and "failed." I reminded him that as much as it sucks that she's not here, she made bad choices that she had to suffer the consequences for, and that resulted in her death. I've just been calling and/or texting him daily telling him I love him. I'm counting the days until I get to see him again. It's been too long until I've seen him. He misses being able to come by our house, having dinner, seeing us, just having that opportunity to see us when he wants to. I feel tremendously guilty for not being there and it makes me feel so torn. I already don't like living here but can't leave Dad and then there's Tim's ministry. Sigh. I will have to start going to see him even more often. Losing Amanda makes me terrified of losing Mike, too.

So that's what's been going on in my life. 

Random Musings

I haven't posted in a little bit. I've had a chance to look over more of the stuff the detectives brought us. I think I want to check out Amanda's other Facebook page that had more of her other lifestyle on it, but I don't know. Maybe it's still denial, but how can that be? I mean, I know she died of a heroin overdose. While she was fairly new at it, she definitely wasn't a first-timer. And we know she'd used other drugs as well. I guess it's my heart that's having a hard time accepting that was a part of her lifestyle.

I guess now that the investigation is over and I have nothing else to "do" about her death, I'm just sad.  I miss her. I miss her laughter. I miss her singing. I miss who she could be if only she'd seen her own value. 

The account we set up at First Texoma has only had 2 donations made to it that weren't ours, Ms. Susu and Michelle. What. The. Heck?!  I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am, and that's probably what annoys me the most, that I'm still surprised after all of these years.  John said they'd make a donation to another recovery place in her memory (great but that's not what we were specifically asking for), and then Linda said they were going to donate to an animal shelter or something like that because Amanda loved animals so much, also great but not what we were asking for. Nothing from my brother, Jennifer, Christy and Rob, Kelly and Michael, nothing. And it's not that they aren't financially able to. They take vacations out the wazzoo, buy this, that and the other, go to bars very frequently, and out to eat all the time. I mean, come on, you won't put in $1? $5?  Gimme a break!!  It just annoys me to no end. These people who want to give lip service to "loving" Amanda, and then the one thing we are asking people to do in her memory, to help other people who are striving to break free from the lifestyle that claimed her life, and they won't do it. What, too busy? Don't think about it? Whatever. And then I'm supposed to go back to NC at Christmas and play nice with these hypocrites.  I know others can't donate, and that's totally fine and absolutely acceptable. This is supposed to be "family," and they HAVE money and choose not to.  Makes. Me. Sick!

We've gone through storage some more gathering up more of her t-shirts so I can attempt to have them turned into a quilt. I've also grabbed out two tubs of her clothes to go through.  There is a family that we helped recently. They had nothing. There are three kids involved. I gave the girl some of Amanda's "stay-at-home" socks...the fuzzy ones that keep your feet toasty. We'd gotten her some the Christmas before she passed, so I was able to give Krysta about three pair.  We also gave that family 4 of Amanda's comforters. I gave Krysta Amanda's turquoise one. She was so excited about it. We went to her room and put it on her bed right away. We gave them the purple one that looked sort of tie-dyed. We gave them the one that had been given to her by a friend that was multi-colored and the one that was super warm, hot pink on one side and green on the other. (I'm only putting these details in for my own memory sake).  I got Amanda's jacket out that I'd bought her the week she died and gave that to Jackie Nichols last night. She loved it and it fit her well. I also gave her a few tops that I never wear but were in perfect condition. She tried one on and wore it the rest of the night. I also gave her one of Amanda's nicer tops that she didn't like anymore and had given it to me, but I didn't care for it either and it had just been taking up space in my closet. Might as well give the stuff to needy people, and I know Amanda would have approved of it all. I have the two tubs of her clothes in the back of my car right now and will go through it and decide if there's more I can give to Jackie or others. 

We had bought some groceries for Krysta's family and then when I dropped them off, I picked up Krysta and we went to Wal-Mart. Tim and I and the Caddo pastor had talked about helping these kids out already. I had a ball with Krysta. She had such a great attitude. She's 12 years old, tall for her age, and skinny as a rail. Because of this, she had to try on all of her pants and she did everything with a smile. Saturday we did the same thing for her two brothers. Besides regular clothes, we made sure they each had warm pajamas, socks, underwear, winter coats, gloves, and hats. We bought them each a new backpack as well. Overall we spent over $600 on them for the clothes and about $120-something for the food. It made us feel so good to pour into this family who had nothing. These kids were so grateful for everything and so excited about everything they got.  We've had people help us over the years when we've struggled, and it was such a blessing to be able to pay it forward. I was so glad they would now be warm at school, at home and in their beds. The trailer that they rent is a shambles. It breaks my heart that they live like that and it made my heart smile to be able to let them know that someone cares, we see them, we understand their needs. That's what God asks us to do. To open our eyes to what's around us, to who is around us, to situations, to lives. We can't help everyone and do everything, but we can help one (or more) and we can do something! 

The investigation is done

The investigators are done with their investigation into Amanda's death. We had a meeting with them today, so I'm still digesting everything. They gave us a lot of information, both audibly and items to look over, and it's just so much to take in. I have yet to read the reports, etc.

Basically, it seems to boil down to this:  Amanda was a very conflicted young lady. On the one hand, she wanted to get herself together, go to school, get a job, and have a nice life. On the other hand, she couldn't seem to withstand the pull of the drugs and the people in that scene.  Long story short, the mixture of the heroin with her antidepressants was lethal.  While we may never know what transpired in the 20-30 minutes between someone seeing her alive the morning of the 11th and when 911 was called, we are "comfortable" with it having been her choice to use that morning, no matter who gave it to her, and that it was just too much for her system. We don't believe that she was murdered or that it was necessarily done maliciously. She just shouldn't have been there doing that, ever. And I think that's what hurts so deeply...we had just spent these amazing days with her where the walls were down and then she is pulled right back in, and she went even when I begged her to stay away. I feel like my heart shattered all over again this morning and I can't really tell you HOW I feel at the moment. Overall, I guess I'm sad above all else. No matter her issues, she was our baby girl and we loved her and would have done anything to help her. Why she went, I will never know, but I've never been addicted to anything, so I don't know that draw. I know she struggled with self-worth, and maybe when she was high, she didn't struggle with that, I just don't know.

I'll write more later. I just can't really function too well right now. My mind is clouded like right after she passed.

A chat with Erica

Thursday 10:56pm

Hey Erica,

I'm Amanda's mom. I just wanted to reach out to you, mother to mother. These last 10 months since Amanda died have been a nightmare for her dad and I. To have your child die, to never be able to hold their hand or hear their voice, to watch them become the person they were meant to be, to watch them get married and have children of their own...it's more than any parent should ever have to endure. Please hear me on this, I am NOT interested in getting you in trouble. I do pray for you and your son. I hope that if you aren't free of the drugs yet, that you can beat it for his sake...so you can turn your life around and be the mom and person you were born to be. I hope that now that you're free of Ryan, you'll be able to do just that. I'm begging you, mom to mom, to tell the detective anything Ryan told you about what happened that morning with/to Amanda. It haunts me day and night that I don't know what happened, and I'm pretty sure that if you were in my shoes and something happened to your son, you would want to know, too. I am begging you.

 

 

Sunday 2:16pm

 

I must say, one, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. It haunts me too, I think of Amanda almost everyday. I have gotten clean I have been clean now working on 5 months and part of my driving force is I try to live everyday to the best of my ability because I know that Amanda can't. I have seen a lot of bad things happen to people over the years of my crazy addiction. But, for some reason Amanda sticks out for me. I have sat and talked with Detective Bucy, and I don't know anything other than what I told him. Truthfully I couldn't tell you what happened while I was at work, and Ryan isn't going to tell me. I am free of him these days and don't plan on ever going near him again. I don't know what happened myself and it bothers me. I wish I knew more as far as what happened to her that morning. I hate that things are this way. I could not imagine the pain you and your family must have endured. Amanda will forever be with me the day she passed was my birthday. I will forever carry Amanda with me. I know nothing I am going to say is going to bring her back or fix things, and you are right I could not imagine burying one of my own. I have still been ravaging my brain looking for answers but I can't seem to find any. I am so sorry for the lose you and your family have endured if I think of something I will most definitely keep you updated.

 

 

 

My thoughts:  I've taken a day to kind of digest this. I felt like she was being honest. I pray that she is clean and totally free of Ryan.  I had been so angry, and part of me still is, but mostly I'm just sad. I see her not as the monster I wanted to see her as, but as a broken person, and drugs were the avenue her demons played out. I don't know what her brokenness stems from. The drugs are a symptom, not the source, but they add to the troubles when they promise to make things better. Another tool of Satan. She seems remorseful. I really wasn't sure how or if she would respond. I guess I thought she'd tell me where to go and how to get there. As for Ryan, I still feel that he did something to her. He was the one home with her. He was the one who would administer the heroin.

 

Thursday we have our sit-down with the detectives, and honestly I feel sick. I want to know, but I don't. I don't want to tell Dad whatever is said as he's already judged her based on her actions and fails to look past the actions to the root and try to understand the hurt that drove the demons. I'm not saying that to excuse her behavior. Every choice has a consequence, positive or negative. We see where hers went, but no matter her actions, she was and will always be our baby girl. Something Brandon Hatmaker said last night on our Explore God series was (paraphrasing), "My children didn't do anything to earn my love, and they can't do anything to lose it."  That's the same way with God and it's what we were trying to tell Amanda all along...there was nothing she could do to push us away, to turn us away from her or make us not love her. Our love just was and it will remain.

 

I miss you, Sugarbear.

A million little things

My brain won't shut off tonight. This isn't profound or anything, but losing Amanda wasn't just a one-time loss; it's a million little losses for the rest of our lives. 

For instance, tonight I made an apple pie from scratch...ok, the crust was courtesy of Pillsbury, but the rest was from scratch. That was the first time I'd ever even attempted one, and Amanda wasn't here.  But before that, I had pulled out a bunch of recipes, loose ones and looked through my recipe book, and it's in looking at that recipe book that I see the recipes she hand-wrote out for me just to help me out, and the recipes she just taped in there in the appropriate sections that I remember thinking when she did it that I would go back and re-do in a neater fashion.  Now I wouldn't redo them for neither money nor gold. She did that for me, to save me time and headache, because she loved me. I love seeing her handwriting. Seeing it makes my heart hurt...I just miss her so much.  Then, as I'm looking through the recipes for the apple pie recipe I'd saved years ago for "one day," I see her recipe...the one she'd learned and written down in Home Economics and asked me a bunch of times if we could make...the one I never took the time to go get the stuff for.  Why didn't I??  What did that communicate to my sweet girl?  What would it have hurt to go to the store and take some time out of my "busy day" to make these with my girl???  So many missed opportunities, wasted chances, always thinking we could do it "some day."  We had "some day," but I was too busy being busy.  I'm sorry, baby girl. Regret is such a big pill to swallow when it was so easily avoidable.

I'm supposed to call the detective, Aaron Bucy, on Thursday if I haven't heard from him by then.  Thanksgiving is coming up, and it makes my heart hurt so much. Our first without you alive. That is the day you tried heroin for the first time. You should have been with us, with your family who loved you and wanted the best for you. Now I am going to have to cook for me, Dad, and my dad, possibly others, and pretend it's just another Happy Thanksgiving.  I'm just so sad. I want you here. I want a do-over. I want to take those missed opportunities to pour into you and love you and spend time with you. I'm sorry I was so selfish and self-involved. I hope you knew that even though I'm this selfish, flawed person, that I loved you more than life itself...still do, always will. Feeling like...

Too much in my brain...

I should have written sooner before I had so much in my brain that it will come out a jumbled mess, and I'm afraid that's what this will be.

We heard from the PI on October 6, I believe, that they had found an EYE WITNESS that had seen Amanda up walking around October 11, 2013, between 7:30 and 7:45 a.m.  The detective said they are positive it was my Amanda they saw, and that he deems them a very credible witness.  This was huge and mind-blowing. For one, we had assumed, based on her core body temperature and acidity, that her heart had to have stopped around midnight to 1 a.m. The longer the heart had not been pumping blood, the more acid would have built up in her system. So that seemed a good assumption. BUT, if she was alive around 7:30 a.m., even to 7:45 a.m. and then Ryan called 911 around 8:30, (A), what happened in that time interval?  (B) obviously her heart hadn't been stopped THAT long to account for the acid level being so high, (C) that explains why EMS said she was still "warm," and (D) that DOESN'T explain why her core body temp was as it was.  This had me broken all over again. All I kept thinking was what did that bastard do to her? (excuse my language; I really have a hard time thinking kind thoughts when it comes to someone having hurt my child).  All I could do was sob and sob for her, for me, for us, for not knowing. 

On Friday the PI, Aaron, had said he was going to go try and question Erica and see what she might tell him. She and Ryan are apparently in a custody battle now for their son, so I was hopeful that IF Ryan had told her anything about what happened that day, and I can't see that he didn't, she might be more willing to spill the beans on him to try and remove him from the equation of the custody situation. Nothing had come back under Amanda's fingernails as far as DNA goes. The syringes only showed heroin in the needles and no DNA, and they weren't able to get any fingerprints on the syringes either. Aaron said if he couldn't at first get Erica to talk to him, he would try her attorney for the custody dispute and see if he/she could get Erica to talk to him. He was going to try and talk to Erica's mom, too, to see if she had told her anything. I was so hopeful.

He said Erica at first tried to give the same song and dance about what happened that night as what she'd told Laxton, but when Aaron confronted her with things he KNEW had happened and when, she changed her tune and filled in a lot of blanks and answered questions that they still had about some things.  The one thing she didn't provide, is what, if anything, Ryan told her about what happened that morning. So, while it was fruitful, it wasn't what I really needed/wanted to have come from that. Aaron said he has a very good idea and a very strong timeline of what happened except for about the critical 30-45 minutes.  I was crushed.  Aaron feels he should have this wrapped up in the next few weeks.

I asked him if it was his inclination that this was something criminal or just something she did, a bad decision, and he said probably both. He said he feels Amanda was a willing participant, and I don't doubt that. BUT he said that he does NOT feel Amanda was dosing her own heroin (and even by Erica's interview, Ryan was extremely controlling of the heroin and would hide it,  constantly moving it around and not tell her where it was). He feels that if it can be proven or if Erica would ever say that Ryan told her he gave it to her, Ryan could be on the hook for manslaughter or criminally negligent homicide, even if it was an accident, but none of that will come to be unless Erica talks.

Another thing that has been eating at me is Tim's schedule. I KNOW what he's doing are good things, it's Kingdom work, and it's God work. I know this. He's so flipping busy I feel like a side note and I HAVE to work with him in the various activities just to see him. He's part-time at both places BUT it's definitely NOT part time either place. Then even when he's "off," someone is calling him about work, or someone needs counseling, or there's some book he has to be reading to prepare for the next meeting, or there's the next meeting to be prepping for, or the next tailgating on a Saturday (also a day off), or the next message to be practicing or doing research for, etc. etc. And I feel like such a heel. I just miss him having ONE job and having time off that really felt like time off, not just time to prepare for the next thing on the list. If you looked at his calendar, it's amazing he doesn't have to schedule bathroom breaks, for real!  All of his busyness, even with good things, makes me resentful sometimes. I miss my husband. I miss us having OUR time and OUR space and not feeling like I have to share him with 50,000 people daily.  Also, I've been wanting to go into storage to start looking for pictures to finally start putting together our picture frame we'd bought before Amanda died. I truly thought I was going to have to go there alone and do that by myself and that made me angry. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS ALONE!  And that's the main feeling of his busyness for me, I feel alone.  He must have heard me talking today to my friend Jean about how I was feeling and that I was going to go to storage today while he went to his meeting, because he offered to go with me for a little bit, which he did.  Jean had offered to go with me for support if I needed/wanted company. I told her I really wasn't sure how I was going to feel when I got there. She told me to just call her if I needed her.

Which leads to my next thing.  Going into storage is excruciating. It's a big neon sign in the face that screams SHE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE!  I finally went through her clothes that were in her hamper. Some of her shirts still had a lot of her hair on them.  I was throwing some things out (underwear, bras), and setting aside some of her T-shirts to hopefully have turned into a quilt, and setting aside other things to go to a Goodwill type program. Tim did find the pictures and we loaded that tub into the truck. To even throw one thing away that was hers, that she wore or touched felt like a betrayal. I know it's not, and I know this is necessary and that I can't hold onto every single thing. This will take me some time. I told Tim before we got over there to not go into his organizer mode and start riding roughshod over me, that this was going to be upsetting and I needed to go slow. He was good. He broke down two times, one when he ran across the video of her birth, which for reasons stated in prior posts, I have great guilt over Amanda ever having seen. The next time he broke down was when he was handling Amanda's box of important things and he dropped it and the contents spilled all over the floor of the storage room. I wasn't able to access her dresser, and I know I need to go through that. Baby steps. 

So, that's where we're at. My head and heart are a mixed up jumble of emotions. I miss you so much baby girl.

Leaving a Legacy

This will be continually added to up to (and maybe shortly after) Amanda's birthday, Saturday, September 27.  This will include the ripples of kindness that people are spreading across the US as part of celebrating Amanda's birthday with us by doing Random Acts of Kindness.

Hey lovely lady.

I just thought I would let you know that I have prayed about how I could Honor Amanda.  And it just so happened that at church last Sunday in the announcements they were offering an 8 week  class(which I believe starts on the 27th of September)  to help those with any strongholds that would be holding them back from being a true disciple of Christ. This was such an eye opener and a huge knock to the head from God that I had decided to not only donate funds in Amanda's name but buy some of the books to keep this class study going for the next group that comes along. I am so excited to tell you that as all of this was happening I felt  joy that only comes from knowing that Amanda would love this group.

With just the little you have shared with me I know in my heart of heart that this class is what I could see her participating in. Thank You for letting me be part of this for her.

Lots of Love to You & Tim

Dottie (Houtz) Peters took flowers to a stranger at a convalescent home. Dottie and my mom were friends.

Michael Stumbaugh

Random Act of Kindness

Around September 20, 2014, I had the opportunity to help an old acquaintance who had fallen on hard times. I have had known her for years through my job at Tipsy Teapot and she was recently evicted from her home. She was in Raleigh hanging out with friends for about two weeks and she returns to her home to find out that she has been evicted due to her roommates throwing a party that got out of hand and she did not have a cell phone at the time to even be notified about the eviction. The home was locked up and the landlord would not allow her to enter to get her remaining possessions as it was his right, so he said, to prevent such actions from happening. She was now homeless with no possessions other than her bag of clothes that she went to Raleigh with. Furthermore, she had no job at the time, as she was in a band that toured parts of the east coast and was already barely making ends meet by playing music, but this is what she loved doing I suppose. So picture painted; no suitable clothing to properly try to procure a job, no cell phone, no transportation, no home and no extra money to get on her feet. She had been bouncing around friends’ houses for about a month until we ended up re-meeting each other at a mutual friends house where she was staying. She felt that she had stayed there too long so I told her she could stay on my couch for a few days and I’d try to help her out, as I could see and have always seen that she was a genuine person with a big heart. So, for a little over a week, she stayed at my home and I fed her and purchased her some clothes that were more suitable for a job interview. From the beginning, we were going out and getting job applications and towards the end, I talked to her landlord and convinced him to let her get her possessions. Oddly enough, he had all the expensive stuff that her and others had left, in a storage unit; to sell I’m sure. In the end, we got some of her clothes, 3 of her Bass guitars, and her computer back. She again bounced to another friend’s house as she never wants anyone to feel that she has overstayed her welcome and within a few days she got a job interview at PetSmart and was hired two days later. We have grown to become best friends and I wouldn’t trade our time together for anything, we learned a lot from each other and even though I wasn’t necessarily in the financial position to be doing these things for her, it felt right and I knew it was something that was worth doing and it was something my sister would have been proud of. Finding truly genuine, kind and loving people is a rare occasion in today’s world and I’m forever grateful to have found and helped one of those people.

Nancy and I made a donation to Cure Search (http://www.curesearch.org/?utm_source=Donors2&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=CCAM2014) in Amanda's memory and in honor of a little girl who's a cancer survivor and was in a previous church we served.

Hi! Shelly, well on Wednesday there was a man with his kids stuck at a school where I pick up kids. His vehicle wouldn't start and it was hot out. I didn't know him at all. I remembered your request and I told the kids to give me a minute that we were going to go do a good deed. They didn't understand. I told them we were going to help this man. I had one of those handheld machines to give him a jump start. I'd never used it before. It worked, he was shocked and happy, so was I. It was a great feeling. I know it's not much, but I thought I'd share.

Shelly, I wanted to you know, we fed a homeless man in Amanda's name. I told him to have a meal on Amanda.

  

Hi, I just wanted to say you & Tim were on our hearts and mind yesterday more than ever...I hope the pics we tagged you in were ok and didn't make you cry anymore...my grandbaby Aiden was so sweet , he is only 2 but it was as though he understood..when we said we were goona go let the balloons go, for Amanda's b/day and for uncle Zachy he said with Jesus?? and we told him it was uncle Zach's friend Amanda's b/day and she is with uncle Zach & Jesus and he sang happy birthday as the balloon went into the sky..and then he blew kisses and said I love uncle Zach.. and jesus loves me, and uncle Zach and "Manda"..(Jesus loves me..is his favorite song..he knows every word & sings it all the time) he also knows Happy Birthday & It's a Small World too..Scott did a RAK yesterday 2 actually but I am not allowed to share them lol he is such a goof ball....((hugs)) hope you smiled at least once yesterday knowing how much your beautiful girl was loved.

Today did not go as planned. I've struggled with a way to honor Amanda that was special. We try to do kind things every day in our every day lives, so finding something extra special was hard. We had several ideas, but they all involved a hot, sunny day. Well, today is windy and almost cold. I was at a loss. We went out anyway and hoped that inspiration would strike. And it did. We ended up going to Walmart and buying several $5 gift cards. We then went into the store and looked for people who looked like they needed to be blessed with a little help. One lady looked extremely poor, yet she had a cart full of food for animals. I know she could have used that money for herself, but after we gave her the card, she went back and bought more cat food. I think we did a good job choosing all of the recipients because as I made my little speech to honor Amanda, each and every one of them cried with me and were so very grateful. But, the last lady, oh, the last lady. She was in a wheelchair. As I explained what we were doing, she looked up at me with such joy. She asked if she could pray with us. When I told her that I would love it, she grabbed my hand and prayed for us... my family, your family, Amanda... all of us. She is an ordained minister and truly blessed our day. Mom was even able to smile at the woman. Her name was Bessie. So, even though we didn't do what we had planned, I know we had guidance to do what we were supposed to do. God Bless you, Shelly, Tim, Amanda and Michael. Thank you for letting us share in the celebration of Amanda's life. p.s. I'm telling you this story so that you know that even though I never met her, I love Amanda and wanted to honor her. But, I believe that by telling others about good deeds, it brings honor to me instead of Jesus. So, if you share my story, and you're welcome to do so, please don't use my name. Love you!

Hi, in honor of Amanda, cooking dinner and sending my neighbors a plate or two! BBQ baked chicken, french style green beans, homemade mashed taters.

Hello Shelly! My Random Act of Kindness came a little early. On tues I was having a fb message conversation with someone that was in my life decades ago. I've reconnected a little with het the last few months. She in a very tough situation, single mom 1 son with Bipolar (I know you told me before that Amanda suffered with this mental illness as well) anyway she asked me about church food pantry type assistance and while I have her the information I also tried to make arrangements to take her shopping for some groceries or drop groceries off. She just couldn't make it work in the next couple of days so I met her with grocery gift certificates and got to meet and hug her son, Thinking of precious Amanda. I thought it was so amazing how this opportunity to help was laid in my lap just days before Amanda's birthday! Almost like she sent them to me. Silly I know. Anyway I wanted to share and let you know that Amanda's heart for others lives on! hugs my friend.

Yesterday I performed several random acts of kindness in honor of my beautiful friend Amanda 's birthday. My favorite was serving an elderly couple who was very clearly eating out on a fixed income. They were sweet as can be. Shared a sandwich, both got waters. I overhead the lady say that all she really wanted was a glass of white wine and some tiramisu. So I bought her some and surprised her. Even when you don't have alot to give it feels good to see someone so genuinely surprised and happy.  This same young lady sent me this:

Hi sweet lady! I have been thinking about you all! I wanted to share a couple of random acts of kindness on Amanda's behalf. Forbes painted a welcome sign to Rob's cousin that was coming to spend the evening with us. I made a quiche for some of our neighbors that has a father that has cancer and is staying with them through the week as he gets treatments in Greenville. We love u guys. Sarah

 

For our random act, (I hope it doesn't sound lame), we made a cake for a girl on her birthday, who wasn't going to have one.

Making dinner for a neighbor whose husband suffered an accident a month ago. He is still in rehab and learning to walk again. ‪#‎raok ‪#‎amandaford

Hey Shelly,

Please keep my email confidential b/c one of my recipients would recognize it was me & I wanna be anonymous. (Thanks!)

First off I got some little owl stickers in memory of Amanda. Whenever I see anything owl-related now, I lift you up in prayer. So owls are my prayer prompt for you. :-)

I didn't get to do everything I had on my list b/c we have a funeral tomorrow. Mark's 91-yo grandmother Farrell passed away Friday morning in Apex, NC & we've been getting ready for the service tomorrow. However, I did get my two "big" ideas done! And I will do more soon.

First there is a lady in my community who is a foster mom to PETS! I would love, love, love to do that one day. This lady works odd jobs to pay vet expenses, etc. I got her a cute t-shirt off Cafe Press online for rescue/foster pet moms. I wrote her a "thank you for all you do" card & put a little owl sticker on it.

Second thing was I shopped for trial size stuff (deodorants, hand sanitizer, lotions, etc.) and some bags of coffee for a friends of the homeless ministry. I also wrote them a card with an owl sticker. I will get these two packages in the mail on Monday .... missed it today, our little post office isn't open on Saturday anymore.

I think this was an awesome way for y'all to honor Amanda's memory! I'm going to adopt this idea and honor my loved ones who have passed on on their birthdays too....so you have inspired me! Thank you!! I was honored to participate.

I think of you often and pray for you more often!

In Christ's love, xxxxxx

Dearest Shelly,

I was trying so hard to think of something awesome to do today in honor of Amanda. My mind was blank. But as always God had a plan.

I decided to eat lunch outside today. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, banana, and some carrot sticks.

A homeless man came from behind the building. He walked past me. And something told me to ask him if he was hungry. Of course he was. So we sat together and ate. His name is Matthew. He lives near the train tracks behind work. He's trying to get his life back on track after 12 years of addiction. (That's when God hit me over the head with a 2x4)...Matthew was my pay it forward. Although I think I learned a lot more from him. He let me pray with him. And I even got to give him my "no shame, no blame, just love" bracelet.

Happy Birthday in Heaven to your sweet child of God, Amanda!

xoxo,

________

Hi Shelly and Tim
I think I told you about our day. We cut limbs and trimmed the back hedge at Wesley this am. (We stacked a huge pile by the street tonight after serving at Tailgating. Hopefully will be picked up Wednesday.)Then we headed south, had lunch at the new Slotzkey's (?)in Denison. Found out they serve Cinnabon rolls there so got 15 minibons and took them to the nurses and CNA's at Homestead of Denison where Gordon's 96 year old mom stays. They work 16 hour shifts on the weekend so were delighted! Had a smaller group at Tailgating tonight (around 50) but a good groups working. Was fun.
This was a great way to honor Amanda and celebrate her birth!
Love and hugs to you both,
Gordon and Kay

I hope this is a day of celebration for you! Amanda is having the time of her (Heavenly) life looking at all the celebrations that are going on for her down here on Earth, I think. Well, the neighborhood get together didn't go as planned, because my neighbor beat me to the punch by having a potluck last week to welcome the two new families. There were at least 30 people there, which included far more than I even knew!

We did, however, celebrate by going to Baskin Robbins for an ice cream today. I handed the Server your card and told her we wanted to pay for the family of 6 who was right behind us. I asked that she give them the card when they went to pay, and "wow" were they all surprised and very touched by your act-of-kindness request. I had chills, and it wasn't from the ice cream. I felt emotional telling them only that you had lost Amanda last December, and this was for YOU. Even the Server did a double take when learning of your request. No one else was in the store at the time except all of us celebrating Amanda. It couldn't have been more special.

Love, Dottie

Hi Ms. Shelly,

Sorry I missed you earlier. The pumpkin muffins are delish! You are so sweet to think of us.

So, what we did was I sent letters of encouragement to some ladies I know that really need it. Also enclosed a magnet for their fridge to remind them of how awesome they are.

Also, I watered a yard for an elderly couple. The husband has been in and out of the hospital over the last few months and the lady is the only care giver for him. Also, took them some meals.

That is all. J Thanks for the great idea to honor your sweet daughter.

Love ya!

I was sent a card for Amanda's birthday by a lady I used to work with at PE.  She is also one of the people whose RAOKs are listed here.

Earlier in the week, I was also sent a carved owl necklace that is pictured here also by a guy I went to high school with (and maybe Junior high too?).



Shelly, I have a not so random act of awesomeness I would like to share with you about Amanda's birthday - this Saturday, September 27, 2014. A couple weeks ago I had a random Facebook evite (you know how you get those) to go to a yard sale. I checked it out and saw it was from a friend I haven't seen or spoken to in a couple of years. Her name is Amanda Bush. I happily noticed that it was raising funds for House of Hope ministry. They have been helping my beautiful 15 year old daughter for the past year. I of course immediately decided to go. Then, last Saturday, I ran into that same friend at church! What a wonderful surprise! Before when I knew her she had been in the process of wanting to adopt a teenage girl. God was really laying that her heart. Now, she has one who I met with her last week. I found out that she is in my daughter's small group at church. Wow. The following Saturday, your special Saturday, I dropped my daughter off to attend Wired (church event) where I waited until a friend showed up for her to hang out with. This turned out to be Amanda's daughter Cassie! Then I headed over to the yard sale and saw another old and dear friend who is in Amanda's small group. I'm having coffee with Amanda this week and am thinking of starting to go to her small group so I can have the fellowship I have been needing. I love how God orchestrates our lives for good. I was especially blessed by your daughter's beautiful day and wanted to share what it meant to me and my life. Thank you.

Dewey helped some neighbors move :-)

Ms. Shelly for our random act of kindness we baked and baked. We shared treats with our local unsung heroes teachers :) at North West Heights and Silo Elementary. We also took some and visited with an elderly couple in our neighborhood who are pretty much home bound due to his illnesses. Thank you so much for having us do this memory of Amanda. I wish I had had a chance to meet her. By knowing you and Tim I know she was a lovely young lady. Thank you for reminding me that that I can do simple things everyday that may enhance the day of a perfect stranger. Thank you for helping me realize there is still a chance to daily create goodness in this crazy messed up world we live in. Also thank you and Tim so much for the muffins....they were so yummy!! :-)

So, I have to admit I am still a bit caught up in the Random (or not so random) acts of kindness thing and found myself today wanting to "have a better story to tell you". So I did offer a lady walking to our local store a ride today..She was almost there and said walking helped her back. But I did offer. I also just sent some money to the DR to help with Alberts travel expenses for his surgery. My point being is that your celebration of Amanda ' s birthday has stirred a little something in me and I appreciate that and hope to find myself living out her generosity all through out the year.

Aidan and I feed homeless people (as we are known to do on occasion) in Amanda's name:)

Act of kindness: Sharri and I participated in a 72 hour spiritual training event which demonstrates God's love and grace. 33 women enjoyed a first time experience. Over 100 volunteers renewed their experience as the hands, feet, and heart of Jesus. Volunteers did everything from cleaning cabins to witnessing a life story of God's grace in their own life. The event is called Walk to Emmaus. That was our act of kindness this past weekend.

My brother fed a homeless man and his dog :-)

Donated 10 inches of hair to locks of love.

my RAOK .... a lady in line behind me at the grocery store lost her wallet in the store. she had already unloaded her cart at the checkout & realized her wallet was gone. she set out looking for it .... parking lot, car, every aisle, under & in food displays. while she was looking I had the clerk go ahead & scan her items & i paid for them for her .... i left before she came back to the checkout, so i don't know if she found it, but her groceries were paid for & bagged up ready for her to go home. her daughter was in my class a couple of years ago & i know that wether or not she found her wallet, money is tight for them & I was happy to be the one in line ahead of them.

My RAOK was on Saturday I had went to the store with Sean and there was an elderly lady in front of us in line. She was having a little trouble getting her groceries out of her cart. So Sean and I helped her get them out and then Sean asked the lady if he could help her take her cart to her car and she had a smile so big it made me tear up. We helped her to her car and unloaded her groceries for her. She was so grateful she hugged Sean and I and told me how blessed I was to have such a sweet little man.
Thinking of you always!

When a random person messages you thinking that your someone else. Then they have a name of someone that you know...so you think that you know them too. Then your talking and the person asks for your advice on something. You give it to them, only to realize that you dont know them? Hahahahahha God works in mysterious ways. I needed that laugh. This is Amandas birthday present because that person told me I was amazing at giving advice and truly appreciated me. It was funny and relieving at the same time. I instantly thought about Amanda when it happened....idk why but I guess its a sign. Anyway Happy Birthday Amanda we miss you here on Earth. Love you Mrs Shelly.

(This wasn't done FOR Amanda's bday, but she was mentioned, so thought I'd include it).  To the individual who found my phone in front of Albertsons and chose to turn it in instead of keeping it... I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I have everything on that phone, a lot more than I probably should, and a very serious blow would have been dealt to my life had you not chosen to share an act of kindness with me. Nancy Bullock has been trying to encourage people to do random acts of kindness in memory of a loved one she has lost who was notorious for such thin...gs. It is because of people like Nancy, her loved one and this individual who helped me out today, that I love people. It is because of the kinds of people that no matter what happens in life, no matter dark or depressing history, politics or the media might be, that I will always have faith in humanity. This might seem like an over reaction to some people, but maintaining faith in humanity is important to me, and I have a deep appreciation for selfless people with kind hearts. So thank you to those mentioned and those who do random acts of kindness themselves. And I encourage everyone start or continue doing random acts of kindness.

Hey girl!! I finally have my plan for Amanda's birthday/RAK... (sorry it was delayed but I was waiting for the right one and it just came by an email request today) I/we will be donating money for 2 students to go to a play with their 7th grade class.  I will try to post the email so you understand the need that the teacher has asked for help with.  Happy Belated Birthday to Amanda!!

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Hey,
The entire 7th grade is going on a field trip, next Thursday, except for about 16 students who can't afford the trip. Several parents have sent in donations already which has helped, but I am reaching out to my students parents one more time.

We would love for each of our students to be able to attend this play and so I wanted to email you and ask if at all possible, you could send in even a few dollars to help our other students to attend.

If it is at all possible we would appreciate this so much. For many of these children it would be the first time in their life to attend something like this event.

I am sending this request to all of my parents in hope we can accomplish this goal.

We need the money by next Wednesday, but the sooner the better. Once enough funds are collected, I will email you to let you know.

Once again, thanks for any amount you can spare at this time.
Ms. Martin

#No Child left behind!!! Love u guys!

This is especially meaningful to me as I'm sure when our kids were younger, we were the beneficiaries of others' generosity like this, so thank you.

I was really trying to do or think of something that wasn't of monetary value but this came and it was like God's answer to help those kids experience something they may never get another opportunity.

Hey Tim and Shelly,

I hope today finds you resting in the arms of Jesus.  I am doing well and just wanted to let you know about my random act of kindness in memory of our sweet Amanda.  It was rather simple but the outcome surprising but isn’t that how God works all the time.  He is full of surprises.  I really wanted to do something really clever but that didn’t happen.   As I was driving through Starbucks the other day, I decided to buy the girl behind me her coffee.  The best part of it though was sharing with the girl who took my order and money about sweet Amanda and how her birthday was being celebrated.  The girl got big tears in her eyes and thanked me for making her day with such a kind act in memory of such a sweet girl.  Tim and Shelly,  I loved your idea and I love how honest you have been as you grieve.  It has really helped me understand the depth of pain that one feels when they lose a child.   Keep grieving out  loud because I know  you are giving others permission to do the same.  I never cried so hard for other people like I did for you the day I found out Amanda was gone.  There is so much we don’t understand on this side of heaven but I have to believe and trust that God is Good.  I love you both and Happy Birthday Amanda!  I can only imagine the amazing time you are having heaven.

Love,

Darlynn

I am doing my "act of kindness" in memory of Amanda tonight.  My plan is to do this once a week.  I'll have a bible trivia question and whoever answers it correctly gets a free item of my handmade jewelry mailed to them.  This will all be done in Amanda's memory.  Sorry I am a little late with this.  Brooke and I spoke a lot about Amanda on her birthday and celebrated her day in our hearts.  (Make sure to tune into tonight at 7:30 for the trivia question)  Love ya!  -Kim

 
 Tim and I sent some money to a dear friend of mine in CA who helps take care of her mother.  She very likely wouldn't have accepted it otherwise, so I sent it as my RAOK so she's sorta "obligated" to take it now ;-)  I baked pumpkin bread mini-muffins and packaged them up. Tim made the gift tags that went with them and we bought little owl stickers to go on them. We ended up giving them out to 13 different people, with 5 or 6 going to the people who were with us in the hospital and who really loved on us and supported us that day when Amanda died and since then.  We wanted a small way to say thank you to them.  We were able to visit with folks, one in particular who had just had surgery and her father just died recently. I could tell she needed a visit.  The last thing that we did was over two days we painted a fence for a widow in our church. She was amazing.  89 years old and just go-go-go.  She refused to let us just do this, though, without giving us something, and even though we protested, she stuck $20 in my pocket. Bless her. She is such a sweet, loving lady and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to have met her.  I did sing Happy Birthday to my baby girl. Man oh man I miss her. I did pretty well until we were in IHOP, the place she was supposed to be working, and they sang HBD to someone near us.

So to tally it up, the states represented were NC, CA, OR, OK, PA, UT, SC and NV!  That's awesome! I know Amanda would have been so touched.