My roller coaster experience of losing our 19-year-old daughter and walking through all that entails.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Busyness and grumpy
So much has been going on that I haven't felt like I've had the time to even post. I've sold several books. I went to Jen's church in Calera last Sunday (November 1) to be part of the service. She was talking about life after death and after reading my book, she knew I'd had several experiences with Amanda and even prior, with my mom, so she had me sit up front with her and she asked me questions. Tim went with me and videotaped it. I think I did pretty well. Then the next day I had a television interview with KXII. That was VERY brief. Tim went with me to support me with that, too. Aaron Bucy was there. Everything seemed to go fairly well until the cameraman distracted me and right then they asked me where people could find the book, and I froze. Thank goodness the camera wasn't on me at that time, but it was obvious that my mind had gone blank....sigh. Lesson learned. I have another interview on Friday with KTEN and this time I'm going to bring a note card with the websites where people can purchase the book! Tuesday we have a student coming over from Southeastern to interview us for the college newspaper. It's not like the main newspaper for town, but at least it's exposure.
We were SUPPOSED to go to Bullard, Texas on Friday for the Red, White & Blue Festival where Aaron was going to be there with myself and two other authors. I had purchased 50 books to have available for sale. Tim and I were so excited...we were finally going to get away, even if it was just overnight. So, we're on our way there, in Anna, Texas, and I saw I had a text from Aaron....the event was canceled....flooding overnight caused the place to be too wet. So, we had to cancel our hotel reservations and instead we went to Sherman for me to renew my glasses.
God protected us, though, in us not going to Bullard. Saturday when I went to start my car, my check engine light and traction light came on and stayed on. Also, my cruise control light was blinking at me when I tried to turn it on and set it. Sooooo, I followed Tim in his truck and we dropped my car off in Sherman at the Toyota place to be worked on. I'd rather have that happen when we were at home than 4 hours away. God knew it was going to happen!
Friday before we headed out of town, though, we stopped and ate brunch at IHOP. A song came on and I just busted out crying! This song, "Say Something," is one I associate with Amanda being nonresponsive in the hospital. There's this one part that says, "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." and it tears me up. Not that I knew she was dying or where she was to be able to get to her, but it's a momma's heart to always want to protect their children, and I wasn't able to protect her, to save her. Anyway, it sort of caught me off-guard me having that reaction...was like a punch in the gut. I just sat there crying in the middle of IHOP. I've been more aware lately anyways with the holidays approaching that it's almost been two years since Amanda died and so I've been more emotional.
I've also been more stressed about living here, not in Oklahoma, per se, but that Tim and I have no privacy, no "our space," nothing that's really ours. I hate how junky this house is, how junky it stays. I hate the clutter. I don't like how tiny our room is and I'm just picking at stuff. It's probably just because of my nerves being more frayed lately, but it's just really getting old. I miss Tim and I having our space, our being able to have down time the way/when we want to without being on anyone else's scheduled. For instance, and this really annoyed me today, Dad informed me that Ann's brother is coming for a visit tomorrow...I'm SUPPOSED to be working tomorrow...I know it's good her brother wants to see her and all that, but it's like there is no consideration, zero, to my obligation to be working. I felt like if someone is supposed to come visit, HE should stay home instead of going bowling so that HE can visit with them or whatever needed to be done instead of him going bowling and me having my work interrupted AGAIN, as if it isn't all day every Monday and Wednesday with the dogs, the cats, the nurses, etc. I don't have an office space or room that I could close off...I'm right in the flipping dining/living room. Sigh...I feel taken for granted, like my time is not valued the same as others'. I need some space. I need some peace. I was so looking forward to having that, even temporarily with the hotel night away...
We were SUPPOSED to go to Bullard, Texas on Friday for the Red, White & Blue Festival where Aaron was going to be there with myself and two other authors. I had purchased 50 books to have available for sale. Tim and I were so excited...we were finally going to get away, even if it was just overnight. So, we're on our way there, in Anna, Texas, and I saw I had a text from Aaron....the event was canceled....flooding overnight caused the place to be too wet. So, we had to cancel our hotel reservations and instead we went to Sherman for me to renew my glasses.
God protected us, though, in us not going to Bullard. Saturday when I went to start my car, my check engine light and traction light came on and stayed on. Also, my cruise control light was blinking at me when I tried to turn it on and set it. Sooooo, I followed Tim in his truck and we dropped my car off in Sherman at the Toyota place to be worked on. I'd rather have that happen when we were at home than 4 hours away. God knew it was going to happen!
Friday before we headed out of town, though, we stopped and ate brunch at IHOP. A song came on and I just busted out crying! This song, "Say Something," is one I associate with Amanda being nonresponsive in the hospital. There's this one part that says, "I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you." and it tears me up. Not that I knew she was dying or where she was to be able to get to her, but it's a momma's heart to always want to protect their children, and I wasn't able to protect her, to save her. Anyway, it sort of caught me off-guard me having that reaction...was like a punch in the gut. I just sat there crying in the middle of IHOP. I've been more aware lately anyways with the holidays approaching that it's almost been two years since Amanda died and so I've been more emotional.
I've also been more stressed about living here, not in Oklahoma, per se, but that Tim and I have no privacy, no "our space," nothing that's really ours. I hate how junky this house is, how junky it stays. I hate the clutter. I don't like how tiny our room is and I'm just picking at stuff. It's probably just because of my nerves being more frayed lately, but it's just really getting old. I miss Tim and I having our space, our being able to have down time the way/when we want to without being on anyone else's scheduled. For instance, and this really annoyed me today, Dad informed me that Ann's brother is coming for a visit tomorrow...I'm SUPPOSED to be working tomorrow...I know it's good her brother wants to see her and all that, but it's like there is no consideration, zero, to my obligation to be working. I felt like if someone is supposed to come visit, HE should stay home instead of going bowling so that HE can visit with them or whatever needed to be done instead of him going bowling and me having my work interrupted AGAIN, as if it isn't all day every Monday and Wednesday with the dogs, the cats, the nurses, etc. I don't have an office space or room that I could close off...I'm right in the flipping dining/living room. Sigh...I feel taken for granted, like my time is not valued the same as others'. I need some space. I need some peace. I was so looking forward to having that, even temporarily with the hotel night away...
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