The wait is over..

My head is spinning and I probably shouldn't even be writing yet. They called and said they were ruling Amanda's death accidental due to complications of heroin abuse and pneumonia. They said they found metabolites of heroin, codeine and morphine in her. We should be able to get her final death certificate around Tuesday from the funeral home. I emailed the detective. They, in my guess, will just close the book on it. I think unless the needles and syringes held anything damning, it would be too hard to prove anything. I don't know. I need to go digest this. I'm so sad and mad at Amanda for going over there. Then I feel guilty for being mad at her. I have all of these feelings and I don't know what to do with them.

Waiting

So...Tuesday when I was at work, my cell phone rang. I answer and find it's someone from the Medical Examiner's office calling to ask me some questions.  He asked me if I knew what time she was found. I told him approximately 8 a.m. on December 11. He asked if she was living at home. I told him that we'd just gotten her an apartment and she was living there, but that's not where she was found.  He asked if I knew where she was found. I told him that what I was told was that she was at the house of some people, in a spare bedroom laying on a pallet made up of blankets and that there were 1 or 2 blankets in there with her. I told them that she was always hot, so I doubt she had the blankets on her. He asked me if the police have talked to the people whose house she was at. I said yes, but that they packed a U-Haul and fled to CA 2 days after being questioned. He said, but they do know who it is. I said, yes. He said, good.

Disclaimer:  This bothers me to not do this with the correct punctuation and form, but that's just me, and this is my blog so I can do it incorrectly if I wanna - Ha!

So anyway, he asked me when I last heard from or saw Amanda and knew she was alive. I initially told him 10 p.m., that she had messaged me from her Facebook. He asked if that was from her phone. I told him yes.  He told me to hang tight, they were close to being done.  I asked him if he could at least tell me if they had found windshield washer fluid or antifreeze in her system. He said he could not share with me yet what they did find, but that those two things were not found. What does that mean? That they DID find something but just not that? Or was he just trying to be evasive in answering as he wasn't allowed to answer yet? Too many things that it could mean.

Later, I looked all through my Facebook to find the message to confirm the time, and she had actually messaged me at 7:29 p.m. December 10 and I had not responded until 10'ish as I'd fixed dinner, watched TV with the folks and did dishes. I called back to relay the change in the time. He called me back later to let me know he changed the time in his notes and that they are trying to establish a timeline. He told me to hold tight, that they're almost done and it won't be long now.

So I have waited. I emailed the detective that day to inform him of their call. The guy from the ME's office also said that their investigator would be calling the detective to speak to him about what was told to him by Ryan and Erika. He later confirmed that they did speak. I carried my phone everywhere with me that day. No call.

Wednesday I went with Mom and Dad to the Choctaw Seniors' Luncheon and carried my phone with me there. I knew if I was in Bennington I wouldn't get a signal so was glad to be in Durant for part of the day. No call.

Today I was on my way to work following behind Tim when he signaled to me with his cell phone. I dig all through my purse and don't ya know it, I forgot my phone! Ugh! So I called Dad to see if he would keep my phone by him all day in case they called but then realized that the call would not actually be able to be completed due to us being in the sticks!!! Frustrating! So I had to walk Dad through how to get to the contacts in my phone so he could give me the number to the ME's office so I could call and leave them my work number in case today was the day. No call.

I keep having to remind myself that whether I get myself in a tizzy over the results or the call, God already knows the answer and anything I do or don't do will not change the results nor make them call any sooner. So I've been praying and repeatedly handing it over to God only to pick it back up later and start worrying over it. Sigh. God has this. He already knows. At least we will be getting answers sooner than it was predicted, anywhere between March and June. That in itself is a gift from God. Thank you so much, God, for walking beside me this whole time, for being my hope and my identity always.

Non-newsworthy update and a word from God!

I haven't written in several days. Busy with work and Mom and Dad. Tim and I also had our 15th anniversary on the 6th. We had to work...certainly wasn't the Alaskan cruise we'd talked of taking...we have both been sick. Tim went to the doctor and is on antibiotics, etc. We did manage to go out to dinner that night at Naifeh's (Steakhouse) for bacon-wrapped filets. It was really nice. We had never been there. Afterwards, we headed across the street to the casino to kill some time as we were going to go to a Southeastern basketball game and it didn't start for about an hour and a half. We only took our $40 to play with and played various machines before I spotted a Star Wars slot machine. Tim got excited about that one so sat down to play. He didn't know what he was doing at all but still managed to win $289.50 on the first go. He is the luckiest person I know! After the casino we headed over to the game. It was a lot of fun and we realized that we tend to go to basketball games fairly often on our anniversaries. I guess it's a good thing we both enjoy them :)  So, even though we didn't feel well that day, it still ended up to be an enjoyable evening.

The following is a portion of an email between myself and the detective involved in Amanda's case:

I asked a doctor friend of mine (one not involved in the case) to read the lab results from the hospital records. He advised there is no way to tell if Amanda had ingested antifreeze, windshield washer fluid, or any other poisonous substance without testing for that specifically. He did say that the lab results are consistent with someone that may have ingested such substances. He then told me there are other things that could cause the same lab results so he is not that she ingested something. He did say the lab results were interesting and he would like to know what the toxicology report from the ME Office says. Basically what I got from him was that he was suspicious about the lab results as well, he just didn't have enough to say he suspected foul play. I am putting a call into the ME Office again today to confirm they are testing for everything I requested and to see if they can give me an ETA on the toxicology report.

I asked him about the body temp as well. He advised your research is correct about the amount of body heat lost per hour. Obviously the surrounding air temp, amount of blankets, clothing, and stuff like that also play a role but he said that's a good approximate amount. There are two issues I had with the estimation of the time of death being 8.4 hours earlier. 1. She did not have any rigor mortis(stiffing of the joints), which begins shortly after death. There also was not any livor mortis(blood pooling/settling), which is usually visible a few hours after the heart has stopped pumping. However, if they took the temp and they said it was 86 then that's something I can't argue with and I can't explain. He seemed to be a bit stumped on this as well. He did not have much info to tell me about the lack of rigor and livor mortis as he has not had much experience with people that long after their death. I will try to get some answers on that from the ME Office when I call them since they should be more knowledgeable in that area.

 The thing about the time of death possibly being approximately 8.4 hours before the temperature was taken is that that would have been somewhere around 1 a.m.(ish). If she was seen on the video camera at Walmart that evening and had driven to and from Dallas and had been drinking and doing drugs once they got home (which would have been late), it's like she had to take whatever drugs, with or without any additives, almost the minute she got in the door for it to have stopped her heart around 1 in the morning. And that kid Ryan said he'd given her 2 "bumps" of heroin so when did that occur? Also, the whole time she was in the hospital, we were holding her hands and never did we feel any stiffness in her hands/fingers, arms, etc., i.e. the rigor mortis. I don't know, I'm clearly not an expert of any sort, I just don't understand these things and pray that God will allow the truth to be brought to light to help us understand.

This weekend was DNOW (Discipleship Now) for Bryan County. Tim is a part of the team that organizes it. Youth groups from churches from all over Bryan County get together as one body to fellowship, worship, get into the word, stay at host homes, and do service projects all over the county. We went last year and I think only had 7 kids from our youth go. This year we had 12 kids. I honestly did not want to go, so wrapped up in my hurts and my grief, on top of not feeling well. I was praying for snow. I was mad that it snowed all around Durant but not in Durant (save for some very minor flurries). I just wanted to stay home and sleep and feel better. God, however, knew I needed Him more than I needed to sleep or stay home feeling sorry for myself. I can honestly say that I'm glad I went. I got to hear a wonderful speaker 3 times and worship music that was powerful. I got to love on hurting teens and pour into them. I got to speak truth to kids who needed to hear it. True, the weather did cancel most of the mission projects as they were all outdoor projects, but I was reminded of something huge. It was a word that I felt God had just for me and was why I was there:  My identity, my foundation, is Jesus and my relationship with Him. My identity is not based on being my kids' mom (or anything else!), so Amanda's death changed my circumstances, but it did not change who or whose I am.  WOW!  It's not like that is news to me, but sometimes I need to be reminded! 

So, I'm really glad God knows what I need and give me what I NEED versus just catering to my wants. What a good Daddy I have!