Doing okay

Tim and I have been purposing to spend more time together. There have been some ambush moments here and there from missing Amanda, usually triggered by music.  Adele's Set Fire to the Rain came on one day while I was getting ready and it just hit me so hard. I could clearly hear her singing that song and how my heart misses hearing her actually do it from the next room. All of the things I miss and will miss just flood me.

Another time I got ambushed was this song, Jar of Hearts:

Amanda could sing this so, so well, and it's so hauntingly sad, which is, I guess, why it appealed to her and she could sing it so authentically.  It just tears me up.

A friend from kindergarten through high school sent me a box full of owl goodies a while back. There were 2 owl journals, an owl necklace, an owl nightgown, a little stuffed owl, an owl scarf, and an owl mirror compact. Such a thoughtful thing to do for someone I was never really really close with and really just acquaintances by high school. Still, you go through life and realize that you have more in common than the superficial crap that we let get in the way as youth.

I haven't had anymore vivid dreams about Amanda, but she is in many dreams, usually as a child of 4-6. Usually it's that someone has taken her, or she's lost and I can't find her and the majority of the dreams, I'm desperately trying to find her. I guess it's still my subconscious and heart trying to accept (or not wanting to) that she's really gone from me here and not coming back. I wake up so sad after those dreams.

The other day Tim and I went to the movies over our Valentine's weekend getaway. We saw some (dumb) movie with Channing Tatum in it and at the end, there was the typical love story element, and the unlikely guy and girl get together. I told Tim I felt like she was sitting next to me watching the movie and I could almost hear her giddy laugh and happy clap as they kissed at the end. She loved romance and was always wanting to find her happily ever after. I told Tim I could hear her say (as she most likely would), "Hell-oooo SEXY!" about Channing Tatum. I miss her sense of humor and silly ways.

I saw yesterday on FB one of the youth from Covenant whom we've known since she was a little girl (and who used to babysit Amanda) got her wedding dress. She and another kid from Covenant youth are getting married soon. I am happy for her. They are both good kids. It is a reminder, however, of all of the things we won't get to experience with Amanda, so while I'm happy, it's bittersweet.

I love you so much, Amanda. Nothing has changed. I can stuff it down easier now while I have to work and do life...that is until an ambush forces me to rip the mask off and be the real grieving mom I am.  I recently bought a necklace in memory of her and can't wait to receive it.


I also bought a sign from the Magnolia Market. I saw it on an HGTV show, Fixer Upper, and what it said really spoke to me, especially in light of losing Amanda.
http://shop.magnoliahomes.net/collections/all/products/today-is-a-good-day-sign#

It's going to go over the TV in the living room as a daily reminder to look for and embrace the good that God does give us in each and every day. It was supposed to be delivered Friday, but we weren't at the Wesley, so I'm hoping it will come Monday.

I also recently made an owl wreath in memory of Amanda. I think it turned out well. I saw the idea on Pinterest and finally got the supplies needed at Hobby Lobby and one last roll of owl ribbon at Wal-Mart.  It's hanging in the kitchen window and coordinates well with the wall color.