It really was a beautiful day. I had been in a bit of a funk (not too terrible) a few days before, but that's normal. Saturday I stayed in bed quite a bit, just sad.
Sunday had a beautiful blue sky dotted with clouds and a slight breeze. We had bought a helium tank that included ribbon and some extra balloons so that we didn't have to purchase any more. After church we went to McDonald's, in honor of Amanda, and shared some chicken McNuggets (her favorite). Afterward, we drove out to Lake Texoma.
When we got there, Tim and I tag-teamed, as usual. I was cutting the ribbons and holding the balloons together as he got them ready, blowing them up, tying them, and the ribbon. It was HOT, and I laughed that Amanda would be griping that it was too hot out. At first there didn't seem to be a breeze, but as we were getting closer to releasing, a gentle breeze began.
When they were all assembled, with the big owl in the center that said "Who Loves You Baby?" we sang happy birthday to her (recorded this), and released the balloons. It was pretty emotional but we did pretty well.
The funny part came when as the balloons were ascending, the owl balloon, which was tied by a toe, didn't ascend ahead of the others despite there being more helium in that one and being the biggest. Instead, it was at the bottom of the bunch, upside down, looking like it was being dragged by his toe. That made me laugh. Wasn't quite how it was supposed to work out, but that's ok. I'm sure if God gave Amanda a window, she would have laughed about it, too.
We watched until they were essentially out of sight and then left. I went back to the Wesley after dropping Tim off at church. I took a nap, but before I could, all of these memories of birthday parties for Amanda started flooding my mind. I remembered writing on her birthday cakes, decorating the trailer while she napped or was out playing so I could surprise her. Those memories were beautiful and yet also brought tears to my eyes. My sweet baby girl.
I was sort of on edge all day...little things were quick to get on my nerves. I knew it was because of the day. I still was able to do youth and Jody made her best effort to get me out of my funk.
We've started doing Couch 2 5k a week ago today. I've seen slight improvements but am not beating myself up about my slow progress, either. At least I'm moving and it's helping me to feel better that I'm doing something positive along with changing my eating habits to take care of me.
I finished editing my book on the 27th, appropriate that it's about grieving Amanda's loss and it's complete on her birthday. We'll see what happens with it. I sent it to the publisher/Aaron Bucy. It's in God's hands. I just want others to get something positive out of it, mostly hope.
My roller coaster experience of losing our 19-year-old daughter and walking through all that entails.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Big Changes
So....I've been helping Tim with youth this semester. To be honest, I really didn't want to. I wanted to pull away some...But God had other plans for me and I'm so glad He did!
For the last almost 3 years of helping with youth, I've felt a lot of pressure in being a leader, whether that was self-induced pressure or not. This year, though, we have a lot of help! I'm in a group of leaders for the junior high girls, which is different for me (I have traditionally done senior high girls). I have Shelby, Jody, and Jean with me, so I don't feel so much of the pressure to do it all of have all of the answers or have it all together. It's been FANTASTIC! Not only are we our own accountability group, but the strengths each one brings complements another's.
Tim has been challenging us (the youth and leaders) lately to make being with God a habit that we pursue. This really spoke to me in that we are only as close to God as we want to be. Convicted! I've been the worst about picking up my Bible to take it to church and not picking it up again until the next Sunday. I really wanted to take this seriously....to purpose to draw closer to God and not solely in prayer. I needed to get into His word. I downloaded the First 5 app from Proverbs 31 Ministries, whose purpose is for us to give God our first moments of the day through a quick devotional and Scripture reading. It asks questions at the end to ponder, etc. I also downloaded the You Version Bible Study app and have started 3 Bible studies in that. This time with God has been transformative!! Just starting my day out with time with God in His word has filled my soul with peace that covers me all day. Not only that, but there was one scripture that really hit home with me, Genesis 7:5, "And Noah was obedient with all God commanded him." ALL, that's the word that got me. He didn't just pick or choose the easy parts or the fun parts, or what he felt like at a given time. ALL. This also convicted me.
I knew for a while that God's been wanting me to do my part to reconcile with Michelle W. but I'd been stomping my foot at him telling him No. I didn't want to. I felt "justified" in my feelings. As part of one of my devotionals, also, I'd come across a story that made me think...it was about how we often only want to be used by God in the way WE want to, not necessarily in the way God wants to use us. I realized I was guilty of that at times and began to pray. I wanted God to be able to use me in any way He saw fit, even in the hard stuff. Well....later that day God gave me a chance to put that to the test and it involved Michelle. My initial response was the foot stomping NO! Immediately, the Holy Spirit whispers to me, "Oh? Didn't you just pray earlier for me to use you even in the hard things? Really meant that, huh?!" UGH! Head hanging low...yes, God, you're right. I will be obedient (through gritted teeth). I told God, you know I don't want to do this, but I WANT to want to do this, so if you can take that and do something with it....of course He can! So...I let Tim know my encounter with God and he'd come to the same conclusion I had. We needed to not be hardhearted about this situation.
But God wasn't done with me yet about this. See it wasn't enough to repent of my hardened heart, I had to do something about it to attempt to reconcile. So...being the coward I am, I apologized to her...via text. Yeah, I know, lame, but I really am still not ready to talk to her. I apologized for having hardened my heart towards her and for any pain I caused her. She never responded, but that's not MY business; that is between she and God. So, that was huge for me.
THEN, Jody from youth also had invited me to her Sunday school the other day after church so I went with her. That was also a big deal for me. I'm always so worried no one is going to like me so shy away, but since she was there, I felt more confident. It was a GREAT Sunday school class. I knew several in there and even went back the next week. That week in class, God also got to work on me. God brought to mind all of the ways/occasions people from our church have blessed us since we got there and I was convicted again!! All of those people doing all of these wonderful things for us, welcoming us, and what have I done? Basically spat in their face with my attitude, how I'd hardened my heart about even being here. Oh the people I know I've hurt with my words/attitudes/actions! I felt so ashamed. It was like God has removed the scales from my eyes to see all of the good things that we DO have here, the wonderful people and the blessings we've been given and I've been so blind to them. It's like I didn't want to even acknowledge them. I was so dead set that "I'm not staying here" that I refused to get close to anyone or see the good that was here around us. I once was blind but now I see....Again, I had to bow my head and pray, asking for forgiveness for my hardened heart. Whatever you need of me, Lord....if this is where you want to use us, your will be done. I will do whatever you want.
I can't tell you how light I've felt in my spirit since all of this has taken place!! I honestly feel like I'm coming back to life. The depression that has been a weight around my neck is lifting...that's NOT to say that I miss or love Amanda any less...but it's okay for me to live...to really live! I know Amanda would want no less for me.
Thank you, God, for all of the work you are doing and have yet to do in me to make me more like you! Thank you for the nudging of the Holy Spirit. I want to be obedient to you in all things, in all ways, at all times. Forgive me when I fail. Thank you for your Word and the privilege to spend time with you! Thank you for being my shelter in the storm and my light, even when I couldn't see that you were there. Thank you for never, ever leaving me. Amen
For the last almost 3 years of helping with youth, I've felt a lot of pressure in being a leader, whether that was self-induced pressure or not. This year, though, we have a lot of help! I'm in a group of leaders for the junior high girls, which is different for me (I have traditionally done senior high girls). I have Shelby, Jody, and Jean with me, so I don't feel so much of the pressure to do it all of have all of the answers or have it all together. It's been FANTASTIC! Not only are we our own accountability group, but the strengths each one brings complements another's.
Tim has been challenging us (the youth and leaders) lately to make being with God a habit that we pursue. This really spoke to me in that we are only as close to God as we want to be. Convicted! I've been the worst about picking up my Bible to take it to church and not picking it up again until the next Sunday. I really wanted to take this seriously....to purpose to draw closer to God and not solely in prayer. I needed to get into His word. I downloaded the First 5 app from Proverbs 31 Ministries, whose purpose is for us to give God our first moments of the day through a quick devotional and Scripture reading. It asks questions at the end to ponder, etc. I also downloaded the You Version Bible Study app and have started 3 Bible studies in that. This time with God has been transformative!! Just starting my day out with time with God in His word has filled my soul with peace that covers me all day. Not only that, but there was one scripture that really hit home with me, Genesis 7:5, "And Noah was obedient with all God commanded him." ALL, that's the word that got me. He didn't just pick or choose the easy parts or the fun parts, or what he felt like at a given time. ALL. This also convicted me.
I knew for a while that God's been wanting me to do my part to reconcile with Michelle W. but I'd been stomping my foot at him telling him No. I didn't want to. I felt "justified" in my feelings. As part of one of my devotionals, also, I'd come across a story that made me think...it was about how we often only want to be used by God in the way WE want to, not necessarily in the way God wants to use us. I realized I was guilty of that at times and began to pray. I wanted God to be able to use me in any way He saw fit, even in the hard stuff. Well....later that day God gave me a chance to put that to the test and it involved Michelle. My initial response was the foot stomping NO! Immediately, the Holy Spirit whispers to me, "Oh? Didn't you just pray earlier for me to use you even in the hard things? Really meant that, huh?!" UGH! Head hanging low...yes, God, you're right. I will be obedient (through gritted teeth). I told God, you know I don't want to do this, but I WANT to want to do this, so if you can take that and do something with it....of course He can! So...I let Tim know my encounter with God and he'd come to the same conclusion I had. We needed to not be hardhearted about this situation.
But God wasn't done with me yet about this. See it wasn't enough to repent of my hardened heart, I had to do something about it to attempt to reconcile. So...being the coward I am, I apologized to her...via text. Yeah, I know, lame, but I really am still not ready to talk to her. I apologized for having hardened my heart towards her and for any pain I caused her. She never responded, but that's not MY business; that is between she and God. So, that was huge for me.
THEN, Jody from youth also had invited me to her Sunday school the other day after church so I went with her. That was also a big deal for me. I'm always so worried no one is going to like me so shy away, but since she was there, I felt more confident. It was a GREAT Sunday school class. I knew several in there and even went back the next week. That week in class, God also got to work on me. God brought to mind all of the ways/occasions people from our church have blessed us since we got there and I was convicted again!! All of those people doing all of these wonderful things for us, welcoming us, and what have I done? Basically spat in their face with my attitude, how I'd hardened my heart about even being here. Oh the people I know I've hurt with my words/attitudes/actions! I felt so ashamed. It was like God has removed the scales from my eyes to see all of the good things that we DO have here, the wonderful people and the blessings we've been given and I've been so blind to them. It's like I didn't want to even acknowledge them. I was so dead set that "I'm not staying here" that I refused to get close to anyone or see the good that was here around us. I once was blind but now I see....Again, I had to bow my head and pray, asking for forgiveness for my hardened heart. Whatever you need of me, Lord....if this is where you want to use us, your will be done. I will do whatever you want.
I can't tell you how light I've felt in my spirit since all of this has taken place!! I honestly feel like I'm coming back to life. The depression that has been a weight around my neck is lifting...that's NOT to say that I miss or love Amanda any less...but it's okay for me to live...to really live! I know Amanda would want no less for me.
Thank you, God, for all of the work you are doing and have yet to do in me to make me more like you! Thank you for the nudging of the Holy Spirit. I want to be obedient to you in all things, in all ways, at all times. Forgive me when I fail. Thank you for your Word and the privilege to spend time with you! Thank you for being my shelter in the storm and my light, even when I couldn't see that you were there. Thank you for never, ever leaving me. Amen
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)