Holidays

I haven't written in a bit...I just haven't wanted to. The holidays have me reminiscing about Amanda and it all seems wrong without her here.

I cooked a very minimal Thanksgiving dinner. I played Adele while I was cooking to include Amanda.  It was okay. We watched a movie with Dad while we ate.  I also purchased Christmas cards and, with Tim's help, got those filled out and sent.

On November 30 we received the T-shirt quilt that we had made of Amanda's T-shirts.  It is BEAUTIFUL.  Such a special thing to have. I'm sort of paranoid of it getting messed up, though.  It's a queen size and we had bought owl flannel sheets to be the backing of it.  We have the T-shirt side down as, with the animals, I don't want it messed up.  It's like snuggling up with her...sort of.

I did do my baking for Michael.  I made him chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, snickerdoodles, oatmeal raisin cookies, turtles and fudge.  I shipped that out November 30 also, priority mail...supposed to be there BY the 3rd...oh no...he got it on the 7th.  I was not a happy camper, but at least he got it.  He was funny. He texted me the next day and said someone needed to take the bag of turtles away from him because he kept eating them. :-)

I organized a group of us from youth (adults only) to go to Elements and paint.  It was so much fun!  I really needed it. The wine helped haha.  Tim made his look like an elf and mine...well, it's supposed to be Santa.  We laughed and carried on.  It was a really fun night and I needed to cut loose so much.  The pressure and stress of missing Amanda is so heavy.  I've been snapping at everything.  I've been drinking a little more (which is to say I very, very rarely drink at all, and I bought a bottle of mudslides and a bottle of wine at Thanksgiving and I still have some of both left).  Because we had so much fun, I organized for us to have (with kids) a gingerbread house and/or cookie decorating get-together at the Wesley.  We (generalized) always talk about getting together with people and it's always sort of put off for "we should" or "sometime" and never actually do it.  Tim and I are such hermits and it's good for us to get together with friends.  That will be happening on the 18th at 6 p.m.

We had the Wesley Christmas party/dinner this last Sunday night. I was supposed to make the ham and spinach dip but ended up making the deviled eggs and mashed potatoes, too.  They did a talent show which was funny.  Tim participated in that, two different skits.  I knew they were practicing for something for a few weeks, but I hadn't seen it.  It was cute.

All of this is good and fine and all of that, but honestly, I feel like a fraud.  Even with my book and all of that, I guess it gives the illusion that I'm dealing with things fine, and who knows, maybe in the grand scheme of things and the magnitude of my loss, I am, but it doesn't feel like it.  I guess it really just hits me even harder at the holidays.  I had a hissy fit the other night, well, Sunday afternoon.  At times I feel like all of this helping with this and helping with that are just too much and even though Tim says I don't have to, I know that he kind of does expect it, so I do it, and feel like I constantly have to stuff my own needs into a corner.  I don't know. Maybe doing this stuff is better for me than hiding in my room.

The book is selling very slowly.  I got my first "royalty check."  A big whopping $14 and some change.  We haven't even broken even yet to start sending money to New Life House.  Sigh.  No festivals in the near future to try and sell at.  No new radio or TV appearances to promote it.  It's frustrating.

I guess I'd better get back to work.  I've been struggling with that, too.  I can't seem to stay focused.  I'm easily distracted...Case in point, I'm writing my blog when I should be working.  Tim and I booked a cabin in Shawnee that we are going to tomorrow and coming back on the 12th to be there during the anniversary of Amanda's death.  I'm glad we will just have some time alone.  I miss Amanda so very much.  I know she's better, I just miss her.  Can't even go home to see Michael for Christmas, but that was worth it because we were able to keep him in school this semester.  He just passed the first part of his certification exam for his degree.  I'm really proud of him!!!  He's working so hard, full-time as the kitchen manager at Crave and taking care of his school in addition to his relationship with Sara.  I'm really happy for him and the direction his life is heading.

Back to work.