Just a dream

I dreamed about Amanda again last night. Just thinking about the dream has me crying again. I was walking down a street at night with a group of people and we felt this whooshing sensation all around us, rushing between us and over us, like something was playing with us all, trying to get our attention. At first we are startled and kind of spin around looking to see what caused it. We knew it wasn't just wind. There was only a slight breeze. I look up and catch a glimpse of this translucent shimmering thing and the more I looked at it, the more I see more of them and I realize we are in the presence of angels. I drop to my knees but they tell me to get up, that we aren't to worship them but God alone. I reach out my hand to see if I can touch one, and a jolt of what felt like electricity is felt in the pad of my middle fingertip. I remember whomever I was with were all crowding around them asking questions about them, their jobs, and what Heaven was like. When I was finally able to get close enough to ask a question, I was sobbing and just said I didn't have a question, I just wanted the angel to please tell Amanda I love her and miss her so much. The angel said I could tell her. She told me to turn around, and as I did, the surroundings changed, and it was no longer dark out but day and it looked like it was a park-like setting. The angel pointed Amanda out to me as she was at the far end of the park with a little boy. I asked what she was doing, and the angel said she comforts the little children. I said that didn't really surprise me as she always loved children and had such a compassionate heart. Without a word spoken, it was like the angel communicated with Amanda to come, that I was there to see her, but it must be quick. Like a flash, she is closer and running towards me and I towards her with our arms outstretched and tears flowing. I wrapped her in the biggest hug and we told each other how much we love and miss each other. I was able to kiss her cheek and I told her over and over how much I love her. And just like that I knew it was time to go and I was so sad. I pleaded to stay but it wasn't my time yet. And that's how I woke up this morning. I was so incredibly sad to not get to stay with my baby girl. Of course I was thrilled at having seen and held her again. This ache in my heart is a constant reminder of what I had in my life and what I'm anxious to have once again.

I do miss you so much, Amanda. Every single day without you here is torturous to my mommy heart. I ache for you. I love you always and forever. 

Father's Day weekend

Father's Day weekend has been fun. I've been doing so much better with eating healthier. We went to Chili's yesterday, and if it weren't for those darn chips and salsa, I would have still done well...but I figured I had only had a weightloss shake for breakfast and Chili's was both lunch and supper (for me), so I didn't feel too terrible about the splurge.

The best thing about lunch, though, was that Tim and I talked, really talked, about how he is doing, his feelings, his fears, etc. I was sooo glad. He is always so busy trying to take care of me and make sure I'm okay, and I mean, he's a guy, he sort of stuffs his emotions. So it meant so much to me to have him open up (with probing questions).

I went and had my hair colored yesterday, too, and I love it. I was pretty nervous as I haven't been blonde in a lot of years. It looks great! Afterwards, we went to the Durant rodeo. I haven't been since I was a kid and Tim had never been to one. It was fun.

Today was Father's Day. Tim was already gone to church when I got up. We had bought Dad an iPad for today, so I went ahead and gave it to him. He had been watching Tim and I on ours and asking Tim questions, and Tim had been showing him stuff on it. He especially liked the idea of its portability in that he would be able to take it with him on his trip next month. I found him a Soduko game in the apps and downloaded that for him. He was up til midnight playing that and blackjack. He's never up that late. A bonus, to me, was that the LOUD TV was not on at all except for a few minutes of the last Spurs/Heat game and then they were back to playing games. My head appreciated the quiet. We were all going to Tokyo (steakhouse) in Durant, but when I checked their hours, they were closed on Sundays. Tim and I had been all set to dive into the filet mignon, too, so that was disappointing. I checked several other restaurants and ended up going to Sherman to Red Lobster. My body has been telling me loud and clear that it did NOT appreciate my not eating healthy there. Message received loud and clear! Back to being a good girl tomorrow!

I was pleased that Michael called Tim today. I'm beyond grateful for the dad Tim has been to our kids and how aware I am that it was a choice. Tim wasn't even out of college when we started dating, and I swear he fell in love with the kids before he did me. Amanda had him wrapped around her little finger from the get-go, and he and Mike were buddies, doing everything together. I used to joke that I had three kids. Tim loves them so much. With the childhood he had and the lack of a stable father around, I know it was all the more important to be for our kids what he didn't have. To know that he had his whole life in front of him, was only like 23, and he CHOSE to be Dad to Mike and Amanda. How could I not be grateful, admire, love, and respect him for that? I'm so thankful for the dad he has been, the role model he has been, and the time, love, and attention he has poured into our kids.

So all of that was good. Sometimes there are things, though, that even though I can be happy and excited for someone, and am such, it comes with the twist of a knife for the things we won't get to experience with Der. My school friend was sharing the wedding/reception photos of one of her daughters, and as much as I loved seeing them and all, it is another reminder of what we lost, a chance to see our baby girl get married and all of the craziness of the preparations. I had to close out the page I was on when I was looking at them as that knife just twisted a bit too far. I hate that feeling...happy for them, sad for us. I guess it's envy, and what an ugly emotion to have. It hit again in Target earlier walking by sweet baby clothes and accessories and the longing to one day have grand kids. I hope that happens...

Anyway...that is all. Thank you, God, for putting Tim and I together, to make our little threesome a foursome, and giving my children the daddy who was perfect for them. Amen.

Grief work is exhausting

I thought that it was exhausting just grieving. Just getting up everyday since Amanda died and somehow making it to the end of the day has been work enough, it seemed. Some days are better than others. I read the grief books. I have crying spells. But last night at Grief Care we started Beyond the Broken Heart and today I started on some of the homework, which really focuses thought on my feelings, my anger, my guilty feelings, taking me back to that day and before. I realized in my grief work today that I needed to talk to Amanda, to write her a letter and apologize to her for everything and be very specific about those things. I needed to verbalize what I'm angry at, who I'm angry at and ask for her forgiveness so that maybe one day I can forgive myself. I do feel responsible for having set her on the path of self-loathing. I feel so incredibly guilty. So on the way home from work today, instead of writing her a letter, I just started talking to her like she was right there in the car with me. I talked to her the whole way home and poured out my heart, my hurts, my sorrow, my anger and I asked for her forgiveness. I told her over and over all of the specific things I am sorry for. I sobbed and just told her how much I love her. I told her how much I miss her every single day and how I would gladly trade places with her if I could. I went back to her source of pain, the topic of her potential adoption, and told her again how much I love her and that I always, always wanted to be her Mommy and that's why I got her back. I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to raise her. I was emotionally spent and exhausted when I was done. I hope one day I can forgive myself for moving us here. If it weren't for that, she would likely still be here. I love you my Sugarbear. Always and forever.

Things I Miss

• My daughter.
• My family...being a family of four.
• Days that didn't include books on grief.
• Nights that I didn't cry myself to sleep, if I can sleep.
• Not wearing a mask.

Things I mourn:

• That you didn't know how precious you were.
• That I will never get to have an adult friendship with you.
• Life as I knew it.
• Me feeling whole.
• The missed opportunities when I thought we had "forever."
• Not having the opportunity to see you really in love.
• That you never got to experience life past your teens.
• Seeing other people's children reaching milestones, wishing it was you.
• That Daddy will never walk you down the aisle.
• That we will never get to hold your children.
• That you will never get to experience the honor of having children.
• Your presence. Even when I didn't know where you were, I had the expectation of seeing you soon. Now soon doesn't feel soon at all.
• Knowing one day I will have to go through your things and decide what to do with them. 
• The loss of innocence -- feeling like I could somewhat predict how life would play out. It wasn't like this.
• Knowing I've barely taken baby steps into my grief work and it terrifies me.
• Having the fear of others forgetting you.

6/11/14 will be six months

Six months since I got one of your sweet hugs
Heard you sing
Held your hand
Said we love each other
Argued about stuff that was important then but pointless now.

Six months since I asked you not to go there
Told you they weren't your friends
Said you weren't strong enough...
Please stay away
Heard you say, "I'll be fine, Momma, I promise."

Six months since I got that call
Since my world stopped
Since I screamed your name
Begging for it not to be true
But seeing the proof in front of me.

Six months that you've been with Jesus
That you ARE fine and you promise
Of no bipolar or struggles
Of wholeness, unconditional love, beauty and peace
Of our broken hearts that miss you but know you are better.

Six months closer to holding you again
Trying to find purpose and help others
Trying to make you proud of me
Trying to heal and point others to God
Amidst my aching heart to just be your mom.



I miss you every single day Babydoll. Not just a handful of things, everything. The good and bad, because no matter what, we would be in your corner forever. I would have gone to the ends of the earth to help you. I wish I would have had that chance. I love you to infinity and beyond.

Love, Momma

Step by step

So....I did something today that may not have been wise, but it was important to me. I went and saw the place where Amanda died. I just wanted to see the last place she was. I guess I anticipated it being a total dump, prejudicely (if that's not a word, it is now) because of the people she was with and based on the majority of places in Durant. Detective Laxton said that if someone hadn't been living there then, he would have let me go in. There was nowhere to really park and just reflect, cry, and pray, so I just drove by twice. It actually looked like a place Tim and I would want to buy...outside at least. It all hit me again driving home afterward. That's where we would have had to go get her car. That's where CPR was performed on her. That's where Ryan tried to clean up the scene, worrying more about his own butt than my daughter. That's where her car was processed, and that's where my daughter's lifeless body was removed from the house to be taken to the hospital. I was forced to notice how close the neighbors were based on there not being really wide roads nor big front yards and wondered if anyone still lived there who gawked at all of the goings on. No, no one went with me. Tim is still at camp, and honestly he may be upset that I went without him. This was just a hurdle I felt I needed to face. I honestly don't know how I've managed to keep breathing all of these months. I know it's been God's strength and not mine...Six months seems an eternity and a flash concurrently. I don't know if I am ready yet to hear the 911 call, though that has been offered to me. Climbing one step at a time. I miss you my precious Amanda....everything about you. Every ornery, grouchy in the morning, texting me from the bathroom, ticklish, love to snuggle thing about you.

A life parable I've always loved about stepping up and out when faced with adversity:

“One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a Well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the donkey was old, and the Well, needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey did something amazing. He shook it off and took a step up.

As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

What happened?

I just want to know what happened the night Amanda died. The good bad, and ugly. I can't really express this with other people as I get the "churchy" answers like, "Let go and let God." I don't doubt where she is and I know there are many things I have to let go of; however, those responses come from people who haven't had the burden of having a child go to Heaven before them. I think it is perfectly reasonable for my heart and mind to want the answer to what exactly happened that night almost six months ago. And the kicker is that I KNOW Ryan and Erica know what happened but aren't speaking. What if it was their little boy? It is irrelevant to me that Amanda made a choice to go over there. I know that. I want to know what happened after that. I more than sort of wish I had a way of tracking them down in L.A. or wherever they are now and get these answers. I feel like our rinky dink police force here just said, well she was a willing participant and she is dead, so it doesn't matter what happened. I get that to an extent as perhaps there is no legal reason that they have in front of them to dig deeper, but I'm not law enforcement; I'm a momma who wants to know what happened.