It's been a while...

I haven't posted since February. Days turn into weeks and so on, and there's nothing spectacular to write about.

I turned 45 on March 26, and I took the day off. I was really down for a few days before my bday. I just wanted Amanda here, knowing, though, that even if she were here, she probably wouldn't have spent it with me. She usually blew off mine and Tim's birthdays. But I wanted her here, even if it was to blow me off. I didn't want the big hoorah that some of the Wesley kids may make over it. I just couldn't do it. I didn't want it. None of it. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and since it was on a Thursday when we serve the free lunch at the Wesley and have Bible study at night, I just couldn't bear the thought of being around a bunch of people, especially Michelle.

One thing that occurred was that Michael's father, Tim Stumbaugh, ended up in the hospital and nearly died. First he was nearly dead when he arrived at the ER, and then after surgery, nearly bled to death. They really didn't think he was going to make it. I'd been trying to get Michael and his father to communicate, but neither had made a real effort, both scared, I suppose. Well, this time we flew Michael out there for a few days. We felt it was important, especially if his father were going to die, for Michael to have some time to see his father, to say whatever he needed to. He was able to meet family he never has, specifically his sisters Mia and Destiny, and a 2nd cousin, James, who is Tim's medical power of attorney. Tim is an alcoholic with liver failure and desperately needs a liver transplant, but due to his repetitive relapses with alcohol, that's not likely to happen. Tim's out of the hospital now and living with James and his family. We have been in communication. I prayed for him constantly. I pray for his soul. I prayed for God to breathe healing life into every cell in his body, but specifically for him reach into Tim's heart, mind, and soul and speak life and love to him, and for Tim to say "Yes" to Christ.  Tim and I agreed even before Tim S. got out, that since he only has, at max, 6 months to live, we would cancel our family vacation plans to a cabin in NC we'd rented, and send Michael back out there to spend time with his father. We booked him a flight for May 16-19, a day after Michael's 26th birthday.  I was able to connect some with Mia and Destiny, sending Destiny pictures of her dad and brother that she'd never seen. 

So, aside from that, it's pretty much been status quo. Easter is tomorrow and Rachel Jenkins got married today to Josh Schwager...both events have me melancholy. I'm elated for Easter -- the meaning of Easter -- It's my favorite holiday. However, with that, it brings up the memories of Easters when the kids were little. I don't think I have a single picture of the kids at Easter time. The kids loved decorating eggs. Even as an older teen, Amanda still wanted us to dye eggs...how I wish I could go back and say yes instead of thinking it silly.  She loved doing Easter egg hunts. I remember countless ones at the trailer. We'd hide easier ones for her or she'd get really frustrated, and harder ones for Michael. We had to make stipulations that Michael, even if he saw an easy one, he couldn't take it for himself or he'd get all of the eggs and Amanda would throw a fit. We'd do hunt after hunt. She just loved them. 

Then with Rachel getting married today....she used to babysit Amanda sometimes...kinda cuts to the heart. Another reminder of what I won't get to share with her. I wanted her to find that forever love...sometimes I think she thought we set the bar too high with mine and Tim's marriage. She wanted what we have, but she wanted it without all of the hard work that went into getting there. She wanted an automatic happily ever after...now in Heaven she gets the happily ever after, just not the one I'd hoped she'd find here, too.  And so, my eyes are leaking again.

Then, one final thing...I've been having what I'm assuming are GYN issues. It feels like cysts on my ovary, but instead of hurting once a month or every other month, it's been multiple times a month with a dull ache almost daily. I've had a pelvic, a pap, and an ultrasound now. They even insinuated I was making it up (or making more of it than it was) because I'm depressed. The sent in some sort of a shrink to talk to me for like an hour and a half before she said I was fine, doing better than she would have expected, and I've done a lot of processing/grief work already. Well, lo and behold, a few days later the doctor had to call me to tell me that the radiologist saw something on the ultrasound. She said, yes, there were multiple cysts on the right ovary but that there was something near or next to the ovary that had blood flow to it. They want to do a CT scan, but, with the speed with which they move, it won't be until April 16th. I'm praying it's not cancer, but the thought that has continued to float around in my head is, To live is Christ; to die is gain.  Not exactly the encouraging thought I wanted, but I agree. If I continue to live, I want it to be to glorify God, but if I don't, then I get to go home to Heaven, Amanda, and my mom....but I don't want to leave Tim and Michael...so...enough of that jazz. I'm trying not to worry about it...I mean, Matthew 6:27 says, "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" So, thy will be done, Lord, THY will.