"Mom struggles"

I've been struggling lately. I don't know if it's the upcoming surgery that has me more contemplative.  I've been thinking about Michael, myself, our relationship, and his future. I'm an enabler. I have a hard time telling Michael "no" when he asks for something, but especially since Amanda died. I know there were many times when Amanda was still alive that she'd ask for something (i.e. to have her nails done), and we said "No" when it would have been just as easy to say yes, even if it hurt a little financially at the time. Since Amanda died, I look back at all of those lost opportunities for the relationship to be built, those times to connect. Not that we should have said yes to everything and spoil her, but what really would it have hurt to say yes more than we did?  And so I have some regrets and I don't want to have those with Michael, BUT...

Michael is my baby...he will always be my baby, but he is not A baby, and I need to let him fall sometimes on his own without trying to swoop in and prevent...what?  Financial hardship of his own making? Him feeling the repercussions of poor decision making and lack of planning?  What I'm really preventing are learning opportunities for him to grow, to feel the sting and say OUCH! I shouldn't do "that" again.

In the last two months or so, we've spent a lot of money on Michael. Now granted, we CHOSE to do this, so he could go see his father and sisters.  We feel that was important. But see, it wasn't just the flight and travel money, then it's money to make up for his lost work when he gets back. It's hey, I forgot I need my meds, may I please get some money? And I rationalize, well those are important, so here's the money. And then it's that he needs contacts. Again, I rationalize the importance of those and purchase his eye appointment and 2 years of contacts....but the last time I bought them we were leaving NC and I told him he had two years to start budgeting and saving for the next go-round. Fast forward two years and there I go paying again. And it's gas money sometimes, and his check was short so can I help him pay rent? There's a litany of occurrences.  He always expresses his great thankfulness, so there's that, but...he's 26 now.  Yesterday he texted me this sweet note but was asking if I would "help" him get his fishing license so he could take Sara out on a boat fishing at River Park North. I lied to him and said I didn't have the money. I felt terrible for lying to him and I thought saying No might split me in two. Then I worry about, well is he going to put it on his credit card and just add to his debt then??  He likes to go and do like we all do, but he doesn't have the income for it...at all.  So since I'm connected to his checking account and I can see when he's gone to Christy's Euro Pub and blown money that, had he planned ahead, could have been used for X, Y, or Z, and then he asks me for money, it bothers me.  So I'm not mad at myself for saying No, (I mean clearly I say "yes" too much!), but then the guilt starts of....would I look back on this if something were to happen to him and regret it? In this instance, I definitely think not.  It's just a struggle. Letting go. Needing him to grow up, but then I've been preventing that in many ways. I mean, he pays his bills, gas, etc., 99% of the time, he just needs to learn to budget and plan ahead.  Part of me thinks...well geez, at 26 I had a 2-year-old and a 7-year old....but he's not me, and I've been enabling this behavior of spending all I have and then asking mom when I can't do _____.

May 14

Been away for a while…from posting, that is. It's just I feel like a broken record.

Let me see....Mother's Day....well, it came and went. Tim took me to Tokyo the day before as I hate dealing with crowded restaurants. Michael texted me (he was the first to wish me happy mother's day), but ya know what? (I would never ever say this to him as I know he's broke and already feeling like a failure in life, wishing he'd gone to school earlier so he'd be further along than he is.) Just once, ON HIS OWN ACCORD, I would love for him to CALL me on Mother's Day, send me a card, something. But I got a text. At least I got that. 

I was trying really hard not to think about it. Trying not to think that I have TWO children who should be here to ignore me on Mother's day (snarky).  I did find a FB post Amanda made to me in May 2012 saying how much she looked up to me, how I was the hardest working woman she knows and that she wants to make me proud (tears). Well, trying not to think about it only lasted so long, because my heart and mind weren't collaborating. I ended up going in the room and crying for a while. Tim came in and held me. He said he knew it was coming; he just didn't know when.

On Tuesday when we were coming into work, we were driving down Cox Lane (I was following Tim) and a big beautiful owl flew right between our vehicles. I just hit the brakes and watched with mouth agape. I just started crying. Tim pulled over to have me pull up beside him and he was like, "Did you see that???"  I needed that little hug from Amanda.…boy did I need it!

So today I've been in kind of a funk. I had this very intense dream last night/early this morning. There was a trial. Apparently some evidence had been "found" that showed that Ryan intentionally killed Amanda. The scenes would change back and forth from in the court room to in a conference room with the judge, attorneys, me, Tim, and Ryan. The opposing side were just ripping Amanda to shreds, basically saying that it was her own fault. I just remember arguing that we never said Amanda was a saint, but that no one deserves to have their life taken from them like that. It was very traumatic the things they were saying about her and I was just crying. There was also a slideshow of pictures of Amanda that I'd never seen before. Pictures of her at school, with friends, etc. I was elated and brokenhearted at the same time to see these pictures of our beautiful girl. I was mesmerized just wanting to take in every detail of each one, and at the same time hearing such terrible things about her. The whole dream was so intense and I remember I was just sobbing. The alarm went off then so I never got to finish it, but the residua of the dream just has left me in a funk. Funny how it can carry over and color your mood. I'm trying not to let it, which is why I'm blogging about it so maybe if I get it out, I can move on from it.

Tomorrow is Michael's 26th birthday. What. the. heck?! 26???  Friday he's going back to see his father for a visit. I'm thankful he has lived long enough for this to happen. Today's my grandpa's birthday. It just dawned on me, that this is the same timing as when I went into labor with Michael in 1989. It was May 14 (Grandpa's bday), and I was hoping to have him on that day (It was also Mother's day that year), but he came at 2:48 a.m. the 15th, weighing 8 lb. 4 oz. and 22 inches long. :-)

We've made vacation plans to go back out and see him July 28-August 4. I need some Michael time and just time away from Oklahoma.  Hopefully the results of my surgery won't mess that up. We did purchase trip insurance in case things have to change, however. It's going to depend on if the mass is malignant or benign and what treatment, if anything, needs to happen after that. I'm hoping we can still go. I really just need out of here. Unfortunately, my surgery is June 2 and Tim will be at camp that week, so my lady friend, Jean Rodgers, is going to be my ride. It's just a same-day surgery (I hope). They are starting it laparoscopically and, depending on what they find when they get in there, may have to convert it to an "open" surgery (bigger incision, longer recovery time). I really hate that Tim won't be there.

That's all for now. Guess I'll get back to work....It feels that that is all I do.