I was pretty proud of myself. This Thanksgiving is the first since Amanda died that I did not cry. I did tear up once, but I did not cry. I cooked. We ate. I kept a candle lit for her all day. Michael went to Sara's parents' in Wilmington and they fixed a fully vegetarian Thanksgiving spread. He said he envied our meat LOL but that everything turned out great!
For the first time in my life, I made cornbread stuffing from scratch (okay, minus the box mix I used for the actual cornbread). It was excellent!!! I usually skip the stuffing any time it's served, but I was really curious. I had found the recipe on Pinterest and it sounded easy enough. I added dried cranberries to it, lessened the amount of onion for Tim's sake, increased the celery. It was so flipping good! Since I'd used Jiffy brand cornbread mix, it had a sweetness to it that Dad didn't care for, but Tim said it was the best stuffing he'd ever had. Woot! I know it was the best I'd ever had. I sent over some of everything to Jack and Sheila. Tim said Jack was excited because I'd made "pink stuff." Tony even texted me the day before for the recipe for pink stuff. That was Grandma Cox's thing she used to make so I've continued the tradition.
We received our things back from Pickles & Pottery. They turned out so good! Tim's was the Holy family and mine was an angel holding a heart that I put Amanda's initials in. That got me in the mood to decorate and for the first time since Amanda died that I actually wanted to engage in all aspects of Christmas. Thanksgiving day I had Tim put the tree together (not decorated, just up) while I cooked. After lunch (and a nap) we decorated the tree and I did the house inside. When I'd been cleaning out Dad's broken storage shed, I'd run across some ornaments/wreath that were keepers so yesterday Tim and I went out to the good shed and brought those out. We decorated the outside of the house for the first time since living here. It's cute. The other night we went to Elements and painted a cute Christmas tree in a blizzard. Those are hanging as well as the other Christmas pictures we've painted there. I did get a little weepy when we were decorating the tree. Sometimes it's just so hard thinking about her not being here, about our family not being all together. I feel like whether we go home for holidays or stay here, I'm always letting someone down and I hate that. Anyway, that is all :-)
My roller coaster experience of losing our 19-year-old daughter and walking through all that entails.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Saturday, November 12, 2016
Random musings
I don't know what to write, just that I feel the need to get my thoughts and feelings out. The holidays are approaching again. I feel the ever-present ache all the more as they approach. I need to figure out if I will be fixing for Jack and Sheila, too, or if they have other plans.
Tim had to go to Ada today for a pastor's thing so I got to sleep in. I did some chores and then went to Jack and Sheila's to pick up some things to take to Goodwill for them. I headed to Walmart after that and it was kinda nice just to wander the store, except for the reminders of Christmas everywhere. I found a really cute owl ornament that I considered buying but put it back. I'll probably go back and get it one day soon. I was musing about how many owl ornaments we needed and that one day, we'd probably have a whole Christmas tree with nothing but owl ornaments. I was looking, though, for a red bow and a red lightbulb to add to a little wooden deer that I found out in Dad's storage. I stained him a few weeks ago and thought he could be cute with some added bling. I found some cute rustic looking red bows (we'll use the rest for the tree) and some mini-light ornaments. Again, I will use the rest for the tree. I came home and superglued the bow and lightbulb and he's really cute. I'm going to fill the box part of him with the scented pinecones. He may be kinda hokey, but I liked him. He kinda reminded me of me, in need of some TLC but overall good bones.
The holidays are still hard. Not excruciating like they used to be, but they are definitely hard. There's the reminder of the empty chair, the wonder of what she'd be like, what she'd want for Christmas, and always, always missing her so very much.
We are facilitating GriefShare (almost done). Soon we'll be having the Surviving the Holidays class. It will be a good refresher for me. I've just been feeling the sadness more in the last few days. Tim got me out of the house yesterday and we went to paint at Pickles & Pottery in Sherman. It was very relaxing and much needed. Tim did a nativity scene with Mary, Joseph and Jesus and I did an angel holding a heart that I put Amanda's initials in. I'm always trying to find ways to incorporate her into our life now. It's not the same, but it makes me feel a tad better. I really, really miss her.
I am looking forward to going home. Mike is doing great in school and will graduate in the spring. We'll go home for that, too, of course. We'll be staying at a room we rented for a few days and then staying at Michael's the rest of the time. I'm really looking forward to seeing him again. It's been too long for this momma. Tim and I have often talked about when/if we get to move back. We're not really sure if we'll move back to the same area. Somewhere in the vicinity of Michael, but not necessarily Greenville or even Winterville. I just want to be able to see him frequently, be near to him where ever he is.
I am concerned about something, though. My dad told me the other day that when he had X-Rays done at the VA that they saw a spot on his liver. They're sending him back to Dr. Sturch (whom he sees Wednesday) to hopefully get a CT scan to figure out what it is. That fills me with trepidation. I'm praying it's nothing or at most fatty liver.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Amanda's 22nd birthday
Sometimes I feel like there is so much to say and I just get overwhelmed and say nothing. At least that's how it's been lately.
For Amanda's 22nd birthday (3rd in Heaven), we chose to do Random Acts of Kindness again. This world has gone crazy with hatred, racial division, etc., and I felt one thing we could do would be to spread love and kindness.
We had cards made up from Vista Print and mailed them out across the country to those who wanted to participate. More participated without receiving cards, as well. I had found these beautiful owl blank note cards online and ordered a bunch. I sent the RAOK cards inside of those.
For us, we have been doing stuff all month basically, which I considered part of our RAOK. We cut my aunt and uncle's grass, but then since Tim and I had cut dad's, Jack/Sheila's, I figured it would be nice to go cut Aunt Kay's grass, too. When Tim was done with J/S's grass, he came over and we tag-teamed to finish Aunt Kay's. It looked so good!
I've also started making dinner and desserts for Jack and Sheila. I know they're struggling financially and this was just something I could do to help. I do it most nights and this blesses me as much as it does them. I love being able to help, especially knowing what a toll Jack's stroke has taken on them both.
I also, with the owl note cards, wrote about 15 notes of encouragement to folks. Some were for people whose children went off to college. Some were for those who've lost a loved one. One was for appreciation to Dr. Gadberry. Some were for people going through health issues. Some were for students who had gone off to school. Words of affirmation is one of my love languages, so this was a perfect fit for me to do. I heard back from several people thanking me and telling me how much it meant to them, so that was great :-)
Tim and I thought and thought about what else to do. We combined ideas. I wanted to do "Free Hugs and Prayer" signs and stand somewhere where there'd be a lot of foot traffic and he suggested in front of the Wesley on the 24th (Saturday) as it was SE Homecoming game and there would be a larger than average amount of people there. GREAT! I knew I wanted an owl on the sign somewhere, so I looked up images and found a cute one to give him an idea. He drew them up, I colored them in, and he added all of the artistic flair. They were perfect!So there we were out front of the Wesley on that Saturday. It was hot as heck and at first I was a little discouraged, but before we got there, I had prayed. Just God, bring people and let this honor Amanda and glorify you. I ended up getting to hug so many, including two members of the band as they marched by. They wanted hugs so I ran out there and gave them hugs. I had people stop in the middle of the street in their cars and grab a hug through the window. I got a lot of "thumbs up." I had people driving by on the little carts from SE jump off and give me a hug. I got to tell why we were doing this. Tim got to pray with several people. I looked over to the SE police station and out front there was a Highway Patrol officer, Sheriff, Durant PD and SE PD officer. I ran over and just gave them each a hug and thanked them for all they do (in light of all of the craziness in this world right now, people hating on our law enforcement officers all across the country, it was especially meaningful to me to do this). All in all, it was a great day and I was so pleased doing this.
For Amanda's 22nd birthday (3rd in Heaven), we chose to do Random Acts of Kindness again. This world has gone crazy with hatred, racial division, etc., and I felt one thing we could do would be to spread love and kindness.
We had cards made up from Vista Print and mailed them out across the country to those who wanted to participate. More participated without receiving cards, as well. I had found these beautiful owl blank note cards online and ordered a bunch. I sent the RAOK cards inside of those.
For us, we have been doing stuff all month basically, which I considered part of our RAOK. We cut my aunt and uncle's grass, but then since Tim and I had cut dad's, Jack/Sheila's, I figured it would be nice to go cut Aunt Kay's grass, too. When Tim was done with J/S's grass, he came over and we tag-teamed to finish Aunt Kay's. It looked so good!
I've also started making dinner and desserts for Jack and Sheila. I know they're struggling financially and this was just something I could do to help. I do it most nights and this blesses me as much as it does them. I love being able to help, especially knowing what a toll Jack's stroke has taken on them both.
I also, with the owl note cards, wrote about 15 notes of encouragement to folks. Some were for people whose children went off to college. Some were for those who've lost a loved one. One was for appreciation to Dr. Gadberry. Some were for people going through health issues. Some were for students who had gone off to school. Words of affirmation is one of my love languages, so this was a perfect fit for me to do. I heard back from several people thanking me and telling me how much it meant to them, so that was great :-)
Tim and I thought and thought about what else to do. We combined ideas. I wanted to do "Free Hugs and Prayer" signs and stand somewhere where there'd be a lot of foot traffic and he suggested in front of the Wesley on the 24th (Saturday) as it was SE Homecoming game and there would be a larger than average amount of people there. GREAT! I knew I wanted an owl on the sign somewhere, so I looked up images and found a cute one to give him an idea. He drew them up, I colored them in, and he added all of the artistic flair. They were perfect!So there we were out front of the Wesley on that Saturday. It was hot as heck and at first I was a little discouraged, but before we got there, I had prayed. Just God, bring people and let this honor Amanda and glorify you. I ended up getting to hug so many, including two members of the band as they marched by. They wanted hugs so I ran out there and gave them hugs. I had people stop in the middle of the street in their cars and grab a hug through the window. I got a lot of "thumbs up." I had people driving by on the little carts from SE jump off and give me a hug. I got to tell why we were doing this. Tim got to pray with several people. I looked over to the SE police station and out front there was a Highway Patrol officer, Sheriff, Durant PD and SE PD officer. I ran over and just gave them each a hug and thanked them for all they do (in light of all of the craziness in this world right now, people hating on our law enforcement officers all across the country, it was especially meaningful to me to do this). All in all, it was a great day and I was so pleased doing this.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
it's been a good while...
I really hadn't realized I hadn't posted in this long. I just came off of a really ugly cry set off by the tiniest trigger....a date on a medicine bottle. I'm sick. I'm being treated for strep, but whatever this is, has moved into my chest now and I have a bad cough. I was scrounging around for some cough syrup, having tried one the other day that didn't work well and saw another bottle tonight. I was reading it over and saw the date, 12/13/13, and that's all it took for a flashback, us in the hospital praying for Amanda to be okay, Tim becoming sicker and sicker, her dying, Tim going to the doctor the 13th, thus the medications. And so, it just hit, yet again, like a punch in the gut and I'm left reeling, again, thinking incredulously that I have to live the rest of my life without my daughter. How is that even possible?
Tim has started working again on Amanda's owl urn. Before he was going to do the model in clay, but he needs an oven to work with it (different type, I guess) and so that wasn't going to work. Now he has plaster and will carve it out to make the model and later do it in wood. I had recently done some research as I didn't know what capacity the urn would need to be and found out that for every pound of body weight, it typically yields 1 cubic inch of cremains. Having to even process through that whole thing makes me nauseous. The process of what happened to my daughter's body after she died. Having to figure out what size urn you will need for your child....not something any parent should ever have to think about, EVER. What makes her situation a little different in trying to figure the calculation is that while she was on life support, she was being pumped full of stuff to try and make her less acidic and with her kidneys not functioning properly, the fluids had nowhere to go, so she became very bloated. I would think that that would burn off in the cremation process, but ??? And again, that is not something any parent should ever have to concern themselves with.
Another of our CSM "kids" got married yesterday. I'm very happy for them, for the family. Time marches on and Amanda won't get her happily ever after here. Sometimes I feel so cheated, so robbed. I hope and pray that Mike and Sara will one day get married at least and maybe (hopefully) make us grandparents someday, too. I would be over the moon.
One thing that Tim and I did in June, which I am so excited about and proud of is we ran our FIRST EVER 5K. Okay, so we didn't run the whole way, but I went into it with no expectations placed on myself other than to just finish. I walked when I needed to and just did what was best for me. Thankfully Tim didn't leave me in the dust; he stayed with me the whole time. Diane Dixon ran with us and we just made sure to keep her in eyesight. Sometimes we would pass her and then we'd walk and then she'd pass us. I was so jazzed when we crossed the finish line. We'd prepared and had bought protein shakes to chug afterwards to help our muscles rebound quicker with less adverse effects. Come to find out that I placed 3rd in my age bracket! What!?! I was exhausted, elated, and couldn't wait to do another one. I've just filled out the forms to participate in this program through the Choctaw that encourages healthy lifestyles. Through that, as long as you run 2 5K's in 12 months, they will pay your registration fees. Sweet deal. I'm looking forward to the next one...now to just get over this sickness!
Tim has started working again on Amanda's owl urn. Before he was going to do the model in clay, but he needs an oven to work with it (different type, I guess) and so that wasn't going to work. Now he has plaster and will carve it out to make the model and later do it in wood. I had recently done some research as I didn't know what capacity the urn would need to be and found out that for every pound of body weight, it typically yields 1 cubic inch of cremains. Having to even process through that whole thing makes me nauseous. The process of what happened to my daughter's body after she died. Having to figure out what size urn you will need for your child....not something any parent should ever have to think about, EVER. What makes her situation a little different in trying to figure the calculation is that while she was on life support, she was being pumped full of stuff to try and make her less acidic and with her kidneys not functioning properly, the fluids had nowhere to go, so she became very bloated. I would think that that would burn off in the cremation process, but ??? And again, that is not something any parent should ever have to concern themselves with.
Another of our CSM "kids" got married yesterday. I'm very happy for them, for the family. Time marches on and Amanda won't get her happily ever after here. Sometimes I feel so cheated, so robbed. I hope and pray that Mike and Sara will one day get married at least and maybe (hopefully) make us grandparents someday, too. I would be over the moon.
One thing that Tim and I did in June, which I am so excited about and proud of is we ran our FIRST EVER 5K. Okay, so we didn't run the whole way, but I went into it with no expectations placed on myself other than to just finish. I walked when I needed to and just did what was best for me. Thankfully Tim didn't leave me in the dust; he stayed with me the whole time. Diane Dixon ran with us and we just made sure to keep her in eyesight. Sometimes we would pass her and then we'd walk and then she'd pass us. I was so jazzed when we crossed the finish line. We'd prepared and had bought protein shakes to chug afterwards to help our muscles rebound quicker with less adverse effects. Come to find out that I placed 3rd in my age bracket! What!?! I was exhausted, elated, and couldn't wait to do another one. I've just filled out the forms to participate in this program through the Choctaw that encourages healthy lifestyles. Through that, as long as you run 2 5K's in 12 months, they will pay your registration fees. Sweet deal. I'm looking forward to the next one...now to just get over this sickness!
Sunday, May 29, 2016
Sunday, May 1, 2016
It's the little things that undo me
Friday, April 29th, we'd gotten up early to take Phillippe to the groomer. Poor thing looked like a homeless dog and I kept thinking that if Ann could see and know the condition he was in, she would never have stood for it. Anyway, we dropped him off, went and had breakfast together. Afterwards, we went by storage. I have been wanting to see if I had some smaller clothes in there since 99% of mine are too big now (PRAISE!!). Tim and I were looking through boxes for a little bit but he had to run by the Wesley for a minute and I continued looking through storage tubs. I was also on a mission trying to find the necklace Tim had bought Amanda so was going through her things.
One thing really kept going through my head and it was how incredibly sad it was that all we have left of our daughter, our treasure, the physical things we have left that were her treasures fit in the space of about 2-3 storage tubs. The hugeness of this person's life, condensed into something so small. That was just so very sad to me. Of course those "things" don't begin to capture her value or importance, but they are the tangible evidence of a life lived, of passions and interests, of hurts, hopes, dreams, strengths and frailties.
That already had me bummed, but then I ran across the jar of blessings I'd started in 2013. I sat down on the asphalt and pulled out each slip of paper and read each one. Many had to do with Amanda and her accident, so thankful she was still there with us, thankful for Dr. Gadberry (or Dr. G. Biggles as she called him). I was thankful for being able the take care of her in her dependent state after the accident and just being able to love on her. And again, it was all terribly sad to me. I kept thinking it wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I wept bitterly sitting right there outside of our storage shed. I wept for her, for us, for the past, present and future here that we don't get with her. I know we get to see her again and that time is marching ever closer, but here in the now, it sure seems so long and very far off.
One thing really kept going through my head and it was how incredibly sad it was that all we have left of our daughter, our treasure, the physical things we have left that were her treasures fit in the space of about 2-3 storage tubs. The hugeness of this person's life, condensed into something so small. That was just so very sad to me. Of course those "things" don't begin to capture her value or importance, but they are the tangible evidence of a life lived, of passions and interests, of hurts, hopes, dreams, strengths and frailties.
That already had me bummed, but then I ran across the jar of blessings I'd started in 2013. I sat down on the asphalt and pulled out each slip of paper and read each one. Many had to do with Amanda and her accident, so thankful she was still there with us, thankful for Dr. Gadberry (or Dr. G. Biggles as she called him). I was thankful for being able the take care of her in her dependent state after the accident and just being able to love on her. And again, it was all terribly sad to me. I kept thinking it wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I wept bitterly sitting right there outside of our storage shed. I wept for her, for us, for the past, present and future here that we don't get with her. I know we get to see her again and that time is marching ever closer, but here in the now, it sure seems so long and very far off.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
A sweet dream and other things
It's been almost two months since I've written. I've lost 45 pounds and am now 141.2. That alone is remarkable and I thank God. But that's really neither here no there. Still, it does make me feel good.
In March we went home to NC for 8 days. It was great to see Michael, Sara, family and very few friends. We stayed again at Trudy's, went to Covenant and also to John and Linda's church. My main focus is always to spend as much time with Michael as possible. He still had work and school going on, as well as he and Sara's first anniversary. They went to Wine and Design (I think it's called) and had a great time. It always makes me a little sad that 99% of the people we considered friends there don't take 5 seconds to call or see us. Not that we purposed to really develop our friendships with others when we lived there, so I'm sure that has something to do with it. We know everyone's busy, but still it would be nice to feel like people gave two poops that we came home for a visit.
We did get to see Tim's friend, Brent Williams, who used to be Tim's roommate in college. We saw Brian Taylor and Will at Evolve. We did a Bible study with Trudy at her home with several others. We got to see Zoe and Alice Gray for coffee and after hearing a specific need for Alice, two days later we stopped by her work to gift her with something. It's what we are called to do, be the hands and feet of Christ, to meet needs when we can, to be the church.
One of the best days was when we had Michael all to ourselves. Most of the time we saw Mike, he was with Sara, which was perfectly fine; it was just nice to get him alone one day. We went pier fishing at Atlantic Beach. It was a first for all of us. It was a lot of fun. We caught about 16 skates (stingray?), 1 baby sand shark, and 2 crabs, but 0 fish lol. Either way, we enjoyed ourselves. Afterwards we went to eat at The Crab's Claw restaurant that overlooked the water. That was probably the most expensive meal we've eaten in a long time, but just to have that time with Mike and make memories, it was totally 100% worth it.
I'm so proud of Michael, of the decisions he's making, of how well he's doing in school, his focus, his dedication and drive. He and Sara are in a really good place and are actually moving in together very soon....sooner than they were planning on, but Mike's roommate, John Huffman, is not doing well (alcohol), lost his job and is moving back in with his parents, hopefully to get some help. So, with that happening by the end of April, Mike and Sara are moving in together sooner than anticipated.
It was great to go home, but honestly, even if the planets aligned perfectly for us to move back to Greenville/Winterville, I don't know that I would...I mean, I want to be close to Mike, so where ever he is, I want to be in close proximity, but with less and less people interested in even seeing us when we go back, it makes it less attractive. We might even consider moving to New Bern..but really, it's kind of moot to think about it, considering. Still, I cried when leaving because I never want to leave there to come back here. It's like two separate worlds.
Fast forward...I've been having doubts about doing the book. We went to a "Chili Cook-off" in Bullard, Texas, that was supposedly going to be this big shindig...HA! What a waste of time! I sold two books and the chili contestants ran out of chili by 1 o'clock and it was supposed to run until 4. We packed up and came home early. I've told God that whatever He wants to do with it, I will do. It's His deal. If he closes the door, that's fine. If he opens another one, that's fine. If He continues the course, that's fine. Nevertheless, I've been a bit down about it all.
Last night I dreamt about Amanda. She was approximately 6-7 and was with a group of girls in I guess a dance competition. I was standing on the sidelines watching, about 4 rows back. Afterwards, everyone was hugging all of the dancers congratulating them, etc., but Amanda kept her eyes on me and intently made her way back to me. We hugged for the longest time and it felt so, so good just to hold my baby girl again. I never wanted to let her go. Unfortunately, my stupid dog woke me up and try as I may, I could not go back into that dream. I was so upset. All I wanted to do was hold her some more and never let her go. It is truly a gift when she visits me in my dreams and I get to hold her. Afterwards, though, it's so hard. There's such a deep longing. An ache that can't be quenched...at least in this life. I miss my baby girl so much. Things weren't perfect when she was here. We were both stubborn and both hurt, walls were up and we had tempers and would sometimes hit below the belt with our words. We had this pattern of hurt on both sides so oftentimes just anticipated the worst from the other towards each other. We would oftentimes react defensively instead of seeking to understand and look to the heart of what the other meant versus what they said/did. I have so many regrets, but I know that she loved me and I loved her...I LOVE her (present tense).
The rest of today I've just been on the verge of tears, sometimes actively crying. I just miss her. I'm thankful for the times she comes to visit me in my dreams because even if I just get to hold her for a minute, I still get to hold her, and even though my heart aches in ways most people thankfully will never understand, at least I had some time with her. She was here.
I've been watching a show lately called Long Lost Family. It's about adoptees searching for birth families and vice versa. It really hit home with the first episode. I really couldn't tell you the story, but it made me think about Amanda anyway, how I was initially going to give her up for adoption, how she went home for a day and a half with her adoptive parents/brother and I got her back. I have never regretted getting her back. I wanted her. I love her. Still, with the way things turned out, it makes me wonder if I did the right thing. Maybe she would've had a better life if I'd let her go. Maybe she wouldn't have gotten involved with the same type of folks as she did. Maybe she could've gotten the best help for her bipolar, if she'd even struggled with it...after all I still wonder if maybe all of her issues, her depression, her feelings of abandonment, etc., were from her discovering she was going to be adopted in the first place...was ALL of this my fault? I just don't know, and I never will know. I do know that I loved my daughter with every fiber of my being. I wanted the best for her and would've done everything in my power to help her. My baby girl...forever.
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Been a bit weepy..
I don't really know where to begin. I don't really know the reason I've been weepier (is that a word??), just that I have been. I always miss our girl, but it's been building in me, this ache, without release.
I periodically check in on Erica H. - just creeping on her FB really, and saw she'd updated her profile picture:
She looks good, right? Clear eyes, face no longer sunken in...she looks healthy and clean. And I'm happy for her. I'm proud of the progress she's made and is making, and then those voices start...Why her? Why does she get that chance? Why not Amanda? I hate those questions. They are for naught, but still my heart hurts because I guess when it comes down to it, I still want to know the answer to them. I know it's just from my pain.
Yesterday Tim and I went fishing at Lake Texoma. That was the first time we'd been there since doing the balloon release for Amanda's 21st birthday in September. I was sitting there and rubbed my thumb on the inside of my arm near my wrist and noted that the skin was really soft. That's all it took for a big ugly meltdown to happen. My brain automatically jumped to when Amanda was in the hospital. I was holding her hands, rubbing my thumb over the top of her hand and noting how soft her skin was and just wanting her to wake up. Sitting there at the lake, with the sun shining down and the wind lightly blowing and I wasn't there at all. The tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was just so sorry.
Tim scooted over to me and we sat there and cried. I still feel so guilty. I am guilty. I made us move here and it cost us Amanda. I. MADE. us. move. here. For what? Because still, after 46 years, I'm still trying to gain my dad's approval, because I've never felt "enough." Like I have always felt he would've been happier if I'd been a boy, that he doesn't really know how to relate to me and that I constantly need to prove my value. For this reason, I feel compelled to honor what I told him all those years ago, to be there for him whenever he needed me. But what about MY family? Did God not give me the gift of MY CHILDREN?? Weren't THEY supposed to be my top priority? But no, I stomp my foot and basically demand that we move to the armpit that is Oklahoma. Amanda didn't want to go. If we hadn't moved, I feel that Amanda would still be with us. Why didn't I just put off the move until Amanda got through cosmetology school??? Why?? If we had stayed, she could've gotten into which ever school, Alexander Paul or even Miller-Motte...she would've had that base under her and been able to stay. Her dying is MY fault. I know people would try to talk me out of those feelings, but they ARE my feelings and I've been carrying them around with me every single day for the past 2 years, 2 months and 9 days.
I'm so very sorry, Amanda. You said this place was going to kill you. I thought you were just being melodramatic. You hated it here. Hell, I hate it here. I had a responsibility to you and my selfishness, my "need for acceptance" by my dad, cost you your life. And I STILL don't feel accepted, ain't that the kicker?! Moving us here, I singlehandedly ripped our family apart. Yay me...
Today Tim and I were in the sunroom and I had yet another meltdown over the stupidest thing. I was going through my sock/underwear drawer and since losing weight, I have all of these underwear that are too big for me. I need to throw them away and you know what? I felt almost like I was betraying Amanda to throw them away! What?? Like in my head, I know that's ridiculous. They are underwear for crying out loud. Underwear! But guess what? Amanda would borrow them sometimes when she would run out. They were underwear I wore when she was alive. She was still here. And to throw them out "feels" like I'm throwing "her" away, moving further away from her, which I am, but I'm also moving closer to her. Sigh. Underwear...I had a meltdown over underwear. That's how twisted this grief journey can be. Don't want to use the last of the shampoo she had in her apartment, or don't want to throw away makeup that was hers, even if I can't use it...it was hers...she used it, she touched it, it's proof that she was here and I look around and need all of the proof of her existence as I can as time keeps marching on and my heart needs tangible evidence that demonstrates her presence.
Speaking of presence...Tim and I were in the kitchen today. I was preparing the veggies for a soup and he was next to me. Suddenly the fan for the range hood came on. Just like that. Poof. He and I looked at each other and asked if the other had done it. I was busy chopping veggies and had no reason to have turned it on yet. I just say it's Amanda letting me know she's here. What I wouldn't give to feel her arms around me, to hear her voice telling me she forgives me, that she loves me, though I know she does love me. I can't wait to see you, Sugarbear...this waiting is so long.
I periodically check in on Erica H. - just creeping on her FB really, and saw she'd updated her profile picture:
She looks good, right? Clear eyes, face no longer sunken in...she looks healthy and clean. And I'm happy for her. I'm proud of the progress she's made and is making, and then those voices start...Why her? Why does she get that chance? Why not Amanda? I hate those questions. They are for naught, but still my heart hurts because I guess when it comes down to it, I still want to know the answer to them. I know it's just from my pain.
Yesterday Tim and I went fishing at Lake Texoma. That was the first time we'd been there since doing the balloon release for Amanda's 21st birthday in September. I was sitting there and rubbed my thumb on the inside of my arm near my wrist and noted that the skin was really soft. That's all it took for a big ugly meltdown to happen. My brain automatically jumped to when Amanda was in the hospital. I was holding her hands, rubbing my thumb over the top of her hand and noting how soft her skin was and just wanting her to wake up. Sitting there at the lake, with the sun shining down and the wind lightly blowing and I wasn't there at all. The tears were streaming down my cheeks and I was just so sorry.
Tim scooted over to me and we sat there and cried. I still feel so guilty. I am guilty. I made us move here and it cost us Amanda. I. MADE. us. move. here. For what? Because still, after 46 years, I'm still trying to gain my dad's approval, because I've never felt "enough." Like I have always felt he would've been happier if I'd been a boy, that he doesn't really know how to relate to me and that I constantly need to prove my value. For this reason, I feel compelled to honor what I told him all those years ago, to be there for him whenever he needed me. But what about MY family? Did God not give me the gift of MY CHILDREN?? Weren't THEY supposed to be my top priority? But no, I stomp my foot and basically demand that we move to the armpit that is Oklahoma. Amanda didn't want to go. If we hadn't moved, I feel that Amanda would still be with us. Why didn't I just put off the move until Amanda got through cosmetology school??? Why?? If we had stayed, she could've gotten into which ever school, Alexander Paul or even Miller-Motte...she would've had that base under her and been able to stay. Her dying is MY fault. I know people would try to talk me out of those feelings, but they ARE my feelings and I've been carrying them around with me every single day for the past 2 years, 2 months and 9 days.
I'm so very sorry, Amanda. You said this place was going to kill you. I thought you were just being melodramatic. You hated it here. Hell, I hate it here. I had a responsibility to you and my selfishness, my "need for acceptance" by my dad, cost you your life. And I STILL don't feel accepted, ain't that the kicker?! Moving us here, I singlehandedly ripped our family apart. Yay me...
Today Tim and I were in the sunroom and I had yet another meltdown over the stupidest thing. I was going through my sock/underwear drawer and since losing weight, I have all of these underwear that are too big for me. I need to throw them away and you know what? I felt almost like I was betraying Amanda to throw them away! What?? Like in my head, I know that's ridiculous. They are underwear for crying out loud. Underwear! But guess what? Amanda would borrow them sometimes when she would run out. They were underwear I wore when she was alive. She was still here. And to throw them out "feels" like I'm throwing "her" away, moving further away from her, which I am, but I'm also moving closer to her. Sigh. Underwear...I had a meltdown over underwear. That's how twisted this grief journey can be. Don't want to use the last of the shampoo she had in her apartment, or don't want to throw away makeup that was hers, even if I can't use it...it was hers...she used it, she touched it, it's proof that she was here and I look around and need all of the proof of her existence as I can as time keeps marching on and my heart needs tangible evidence that demonstrates her presence.
Speaking of presence...Tim and I were in the kitchen today. I was preparing the veggies for a soup and he was next to me. Suddenly the fan for the range hood came on. Just like that. Poof. He and I looked at each other and asked if the other had done it. I was busy chopping veggies and had no reason to have turned it on yet. I just say it's Amanda letting me know she's here. What I wouldn't give to feel her arms around me, to hear her voice telling me she forgives me, that she loves me, though I know she does love me. I can't wait to see you, Sugarbear...this waiting is so long.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
It's been a while...
I can't believe how long it's been since I posted...I just haven't felt up to it. Tim and I had the best time at the cabin in Shawnee. It was so special. There were two owls in the decor...they had the cabin decorated for Christmas with a tree and everything. It was absolutely perfect! We saw the most stunning sunset as we were driving into the cabin the first night. The cabin wasn't too "fru-fru," but it was cozy and just what we needed it to be. We had brought the owl candle holder I'd painted as well as the owl salt/pepper shakers and set them up in front of the fireplace on one of the bar stools. We went to dinner at a Japanese steakhouse, went to the zoo, went to dinner in OKC at KD's, watched movies and just quietly remembered our girl. It was perfect...for being what we were there for. We were just trying to celebrate life, her life and the life we still have to live but without her with us. Of course there were times of tears. We just miss her so very much. It's so surreal to have to mark milestones because she's not here. Grief has its own milestones...holidays without her, vacations without her, last time you saw her, birthdays, anniversary dates, etc. etc. She is frozen in time and it's so hard to try to imagine what she'd be like now...would she have continued down that path? Would she have finally gotten help or embraced growing up and met the challenge? We will never know. All I do know is that she's in a far better place than she ever could have been here whether she lived or not.
Christmas was different. I mean, we were here, so that was hard not being with Michael. But in its own way, it was good to be here with Daddy for a change at Christmas. We had made him a photo collage book of he and Ann's times/travels together. We also bought him a turquoise/nickel bolo tie. He loved both but cried, of course, over the book. He'll be able to use that at her funeral, which was part of why we made the book. I cooked a small Christmas meal but didn't overdo it. I wore Amanda's knee-high socks that day to "have her with me." Tim had gotten a bigger TV for us for Christmas for the living room as he was moving the other TV to the sunroom. We also bought us an elliptical, which didn't get delivered for several weeks after. I'd gotten him a soundbar for the TV in the living room. He'd also gotten two picture frames that are made to look like window frames with four panes each and put pictures from our trip to the Shawnee cabin in them. He also got me an owl necklace and another picture frame that said, "To have somewhere to go is Home. To have someone to love is Family. Both are a blessing." Inside is a picture he took of us at the cabin. It all was so special and made me cry.
Michael is doing well. He's started back for another semester in college. He was reinstated with financial aid and that came through prior to his enrolling so all of his classes and books were covered. Thank God! We've made plans to go see him March 13-19. I'm so excited to see him!!
One day maybe two weeks ago (?) Tim and I were coming home on Cox Lane and saw a big owl fly overhead and land in a tree up ahead on the left. We stopped the car and just watched it watching us. We just stared and watched it for a while. I guess it got tired of our gawking and flew to the right to land in a tree by Martha Kay's. We pulled up a little more and sat and watched it. Finally, we just drove on home. It was really cool to see and Tim cried a little....just missing our girl.
For Tim's 42nd birthday (Jan. 9), I'd bought tickets for us to go see the Oklahoma City Thunder. The game wasn't until the 15th, against the Timberwolves. Our seats were surprisingly pretty good. Could've been a little lower, but really the view was great. We stayed the night at the Crowne Plaza hotel and it was great to just get away. We ate at Dave and Buster's prior to the game. It was actually fairly disappointing (the food not the basketball game). OKC won the game. It was wonderful to get a full night's sleep without animals crawling all over us and clamoring for our attention!
This morning Tim sent me a picture of an owl he saw when he was driving down Banty Road. This big beautiful barn owl just sitting on a fence post...you don't usually see them during the day but there it was!
They got the results back from the MRI that was done this morning. He actually had a large stroke in the right frontal brain and a smaller one in the back right brain. The doctor was surprised he's doing as well as he is. Physical therapy had him up taking a few steps today and his throat was scoped, dad said, and he's able to eat regular food now. Initially he couldn't swallow water but could drink thicker liquids and very soft foods. Praise God for progress!
That's about it and it's past my bedtime.
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