Wednesday, Sept 26, 2018
Der,
Tomorrow would be your 24th birthday. Five...five birthdays you've missed...that we've missed with you. 24 is how old I was when I had you. Who would you be at 24? Would you have followed your dreams and gone into cosmetology or would you have found a new dream to pursue? Would you be a mother? Would you be sober? Would you have found that special someone hand-picked by God for you if things had been different? Who would you be? Who would I be? Who would we be as a family? Who would be your latest favorite band? What new tattoo would you be wanting or getting? Would you have decided to go to school? Would our home still be filled with the sounds of your singing or would you have moved out and been singing in your own home? Would you be married? Who would you be? I don't recognize me. I feel haunted, lost, timid, anxious. Who would we be? Would we get along as you've grown older? Would you still text me random things and would I still get silly songs stuck in your head? Would you still sleep with Baby Bop or would you have retired her to a shelf or your closet? Would we be close? Would you still hero-worship your brother? Would you still be Daddy's little girl? Would you still laugh easily and big? Who would you be?
There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about you, that I don't miss you and love you, that I don't selfishly wish things were different and you were still here, but the LOVING part of me be glad that you are alive in heaven holding the fort down until I get there. I miss your hugs. I miss hearing the sound of your voice. I miss knowing you were asleep in the next room and miss feeling that false sense of security that I could keep you safe. I didn't keep you safe. I didn't keep you safe from bipolar and I couldn't shield you from the realities of this world in which drugs exist and helped steal you away from us. I wish I got a do-over. So many things I would change but I can't. We push on knowing each day is one day closer to being with you again. Happy birthday Sugarbear. You are loved more than you ever could've imagined but now where you are, I hope you know.
I love you always,
Momma
Today is Mother's Day. I've tried not to think about it and was pretty successful at it for a while. Friday at work, however, when many ladies are getting flowers from their husbands and/or kids, the dam broke just for a little while. It wasn't a full-on catastrophic break, more like a crack, but it leaked over lunch when I let my mind go there. I called Tim on lunch and I know he was expecting it at some point. It's just the way it goes for me on this grief journey. I was thankful he let me just express myself as only he and God would understand the depth of my pain.
Mother's Day has been hard for years, even before Amanda died. First, my mom has been gone for 28 years...28 years. That's a lot of Mother's Day cards I haven't had the opportunity to buy, a lot of time spent with her on other times, phone calls and laughs to miss out on. Then there's Ann not being here now. But of course, for me, the biggest one is not having Amanda here in the here and now with us and Michael being back home in NC. We long to get back to him and are working diligently toward that end. But we're not together now, and that's hard.
Friday afternoon after talking to Tim, he surprised me with two beautiful deep pink roses in a vase with a little card. He just wanted to cheer me up and knows how I struggle. He's so very thoughtful and loving. After work, he came back up and we went to Sherman for supper. We ate at Golden Corral (more like gorged). We went to Office Depot for some stuff he needed and then went shopping for new work/church clothes for me for spring/summer. Time with him is just what I needed. It was wonderful.
All the while, however, I know I'm stuffing memories, trying very hard not to think of them, not because they aren't worthy of thinking of and celebrating, but because they are. Because it hurts so dang much to peek back at those, the happy times, even the hard times because it's a reminder that I don't get those with our girl now and it's only some time off in the future. So I was at church this morning and Ms. Patty Wells asked me if I'd heard from Mike, which I had. 💝 He called me while I was getting ready for church this morning and we talked for about 15 minutes. I'd gotten his card yesterday. Then she asked me if I was thinking on the happier times with Amanda. I told her I was trying really hard not to. She insisted that I needed to do that, to celebrate them. I started crying and she was teared up and gave me a hug and told me she knew it was hard. After church, knowing we'd already been out to eat at a nicer place this weekend and that most restaurants in town would be packed for Mother's Day, we opted for cheap and went to McDonald's (my choice). After that, we opted to come home instead of going grocery shopping and get a nap (Tim is done with youth for now - PRAISE!!!). I say all of that to get to this memory/point. While I was napping, God brought to mind one of my most favorite, precious memories of Amanda. When I was in college, she was in pre-school right there at the college. When they'd be outside playing, she was always on the lookout for me and when she'd see me, even if from a long ways off, she would yell MOMMMMMYYYYY. I'd hear her and go over to her. We were always excited to see one another in the middle of our normal day. It was a treat. I'd go over to the fence, go inside and she'd run into my arms and I'd just hold her for a while, give her kisses and tell her I loved her. I really hope it's like that one day again, that she's watching and waiting for me, excited to see me again and when she does, she yells MOMMMMYYY, pushes her way to the front and runs into my arms...I long for that. What a Mother's Day that will be.
Where do I even begin? SO. MUCH. HAS. CHANGED.
So...Dad came home from his 6-week trip and was an absolutely, total and complete MESS. He was crying all the time. He was a nervous wreck. It broke our hearts to see him like that. But there was a kicker...when he was gone, he'd reconnected with Aunt JoeAnn (now Jody). He said he couldn't explain it, but over the course of his visit with her, he fell in love. We were in shock. He left grieving one wife and comes home in love with someone else....we thought it would fade...that it would just be a temporary thing that once he got back into the groove of his life here, it would go away....but it didn't. He'd asked for my blessing to pursue something with her and I of course gave it. I only want him happy, but at the time when he asked, he said it would be probably a two-year courtship as she's raising her great grands and that's how long it would take for them to be moved out....well, that's what we thought was going to happen. Next thing we know, he's making plans, getting rid of stuff, putting the house in my name and HE MOVED TO WASHINGTON 10/25/17!!! We were devastated!! To be honest, we're still wrestling with it. We want what's best for him, we're just not positive this is it. We know he was lonely and that we could never fill that hole of a spouse, but we were not prepared to be without him ourselves. Tim was brokenhearted, angry, and just generally upset. For him, Dad was the dad figure he's been craving and missing out on, someone stable whom he could love and be loved by in return, and they did love one another!! Tim loved spending time with Dad and for Dad, Tim really was a son.
We rented a big dumpster and for a few weeks went through the process before dad left of getting rid of stuff, just crap that we had around the yard, garages, etc. That got rid of a lot of stuff, but not enough! Still, it's that much less that we will have to deal with later.
I had left my job at the Casino in the gift shop and took a job at the Gaming Commission with Jody Nelson. BIG MISTAKE!!!!! Not only did I HATE the job, she and I butted heads. I cried all the time going to work. I felt convicted every single day for working there in support of something I don't believe in. It all came to a head and I just left October 5. I had gone to work that day and came home about 2 hours later. I was terrified. I'd never just quit a job but immediately I felt so much peace in my spirit, outside of the fact that I knew I had likely ruined my friendship with Jody. I still felt I'd made the right decision. Fast forward to today and we still aren't friends. I've apologized multiple times for the way I quit (not that I quit). She says she forgives me but can't trust me anymore. Anyways, I can't do anything about her; I can only do something about me.
Before Daddy moved, for his 80th birthday, I'd gotten us tickets to see a Texas Rangers game. Dad and Tim came to pick me up from work and we drove down. We had great seats and it was a lot of fun! We were trying to create memories/pictures for us all. Never know if I'll ever be able to do something like that again 😧
I cried for days and days after Daddy moved. It was initially quite the roller coaster for Dad. Jody was all over the place as far as how she was treating Dad. He felt like he was walking on eggshells all of the time which ticked me off. He is also completely strapped for money. We are enjoying our couple time but at the same time still wish Dad was here. We've told Dad we are staying for two years to give he and Jody a chance to see if they are going to move back here. If so, we won't sell the house as we don't want Dad to not have somewhere to live, whether they are together or not. If he comes back alone, we will stay. If he comes back with Jody, we will probably move back home. If he decides to stay in WA, we are going to try to move back home. I really don't like ambiguity. I like at least having the semblance of a plan and this up in the air business has me all upset. Things do seem like they're settling down on the home front for Dad and Jody, though. He even told me Josh (Jody's great grandson) got baptized a few weeks back!!! PRAISE! That's huge in and of itself, but beyond that, Josh had initially been nervous about Dad moving there as he knew Dad was an ordained minister and Josh didn't go to church. This was great news!!
Anyway, so now we are in the process of trying to get rid of stuff that Dad left...things we don't want and if we can get some money for it, all the better. If it's Dad's stuff that sells, I'm sending him at least half the money. It's my time researching the stuff, listing it on E-Bay, buying shipping supplies and shipping the stuff. I've sold a bit on E-Bay but we have SO MUCH STUFF left! We may enlist the help of an auctioneer if we decide we are moving to get rid of some of the bigger things like the tractor, etc. We are also trying to pay off my hospital bill from when I went to the ER in October right before Dad moved for some bradycardia. That's a whole other subject! Choctaw refused to pay for it even though I appealed their decision 3x and had letters of support written by my cardiologist and my internal medicine doc. Supposedly Councilman James Dry is having a big wig re-look at my case and she has the power to overturn it. We'll see but I'm not holding my breath.
We haven't been able to see Mike since May for his graduation and that has me very bummed. We feel stuck. We are trying to save money in case we can move home, but if we can't move home, I want to go see him. Catch 22 because everything is up in the air still.
On 2/6/18 Tim and I celebrated our 19th anniversary. He sent me roses with lilies. On the 10th, we went and saw a dinner theater, something we really enjoy doing. This was called The Mein Shaft or something like that. It was a lot of fun.
Backing up, I accepted a position at Choctaw Nation Durant Regional Medical Clinic as a registration clerk. At first it was daunting...I felt overwhelmed, but I LOVE IT. I started there in early November and just passed my 3-month probation period. We have a lot of laughs.
So...that's about my life in a nut shell now. I work, come home and maybe work out, fix supper, do chores, take a shower and go to bed to do it all over again. On the weekends, we work around the house/yard/garage, try to sort through more things to try and list to sell on E-Bay, go to church and start the week over again. It seems the seasons of life go faster and faster the older I get. Anywho...that's all.
